please stay until I'm gone, I'm here, hold on.

SPACE KID PEW PEW!! Imma shoot you with my pew-tastic laz0rgunz. MWHAHAHHAH.

so yeah, I've pretty much done nothing today. my sister and I had planned to go to the cinema to watch Burlesque, but we both woke up too late to do so, which sucked obese cow nipples, since I really wanted to see that movie.. I mean, Christina Aguilera. WHY SO HOT? and then it's burlesque, wohoo! couldn't get much better, hahah. I btw love Dita Von Teese, she looks amazing. I've thought about buying a photobook with pictures of her, but it's really expensive.. like, 400 DKK. it sucks, and I pretty much can't use it for anything, so I won't buy it. but WHY SO GAWJEEEEZZZ?
so instead of going to the movies, we just stayed home. I was pretty much just online, smoking some fags, taking a shower and packing all my belongings together, since I had to go home to my residency. didn't really want to, but I had to, since I didn't have any pills left. tomorrow, I have no plans whatsoever. I hope Laura is home and not busy, though she probably is... oh wait, I just got a text from her, asking me to go out shopping with her tomorrow, WOHOO! :'D now I have plans, hahah. I need to buy some booze for New Years Eve. oh yeah, new years eve..

I'm not going to have a throw anyways, because Nanna bailed on me. so I decided to drop it (LIKE IT'S HOOOOOT). so instead, I'm going to spend it with Jamie, which I'm looking so much forward to! it's going to be neat. his friend Lars is throwing a party, and that's where we will go. I'm pretty nervous about meeting Lars, since they're best mates, and that's always important to make a nice impression and not be a total dickface. idk, I'll probably be really shy in the beginning, and after some booze I'll hopefully loosen up a bit.
but I'm looking forward to it so much, especially seeing Jamie. <3 I'm going to his place on Thursday, and probably return the first of January, unless he talks with his contact person or sumthing... I hope I can see him a bit longer than just until the first, hahaha.

I'm going to bed now, sleep tight darlings. <3

Brace your self, cause I think I'm coming for you. Look up into the sky.

I changed my layout, yayzies! it's gone from black/white to lots of colors, which suits me more right now, I think. hellz yeah, there's even robots! :'D it's awesome. it's so ugly that I love it. what do you think about it? please be br00tal.

so today, I slept until 11 AM, but then I realized I had no plans, so I decided to sleep a few more hours. it's jamie's birthday today, so originally I had to go visit him and his family (he's home on vacation), but because of the snow and other things, we decided that it would be better another day. so I'm crossing my fingers for tomorrow, hahaha. I don't have any plans there either, and I really, really want to see him, and give him his present! nommmm. I'm pretty sure he's gonna like it, since he has talked about it before, and he still don't own it. plus, it's a thing that he likes, haha.
but I really hope he's gonna say go for tomorrow, because I'll run miles and hills to see him.

I haven't really done anything remarkely interesting today. I've eaten a lot of cake, since my brother's girlfriend had given us some homebaked stuff, and my mother recieved cookies as a christmas present. fucking awesome. I've eaten a lot these days, and I'm so grateful I haven't gained any weight.
and then... then I've eaten some more, from our local pizzaria. nom, falafel is good.
and then... then I've just been online for a whole lotta hours. I don't even want to count, hahahah. it's so fail, and I really need a life.

actually, it has been a pretty boring day. I have cravings after tattoos and piercings, since my best friend and my boyfriend will soon get inked, and I can't help but feeling a little bit envious. I want it, too. I can't wait until I get my next tattoo, it's going to be fucking rad. "I'm afraid to become an adult without dreams", just French instead.
and piercings... I really want to get my butterfly again, and my tongue piercing back. and then, something I've started thinking alot about... angel bites... WHY U NO MINE? seriously, they're so pretty. I know I'm gonna get it someday.. I've finally found the courage to get them despite my teeth, so someday. but probably not right now, because I have way too many in my face, and I like them all. I've started to grow really fond of my cheeks. they're cute when I smile. even though the jewelry is kind of big, and I'm not allowed to get smaller ones... and my lip piercings, I'm too much in love with them to take them out right now, they're my babies and I love them. I should give them names, AHAHAHH. awesome.

please, whatever deity there is out there, let me get to see that Jamie guy soon again. <3

burst of red and green all over me.

my Christmas was splendid! I spent it together with my sister, brother, his girlfriend, and her family and two dogs. there was a lot of present under the tree, and I got a lot of really, really nice stuff. I felt so happy recieving everything, though I knew what some of my presents were. but it was awesome. I recieved 2 Drop Dead shirts (one of them is the one I'm wearing on the picture - a shirt with a robot on, and the other one with a zombie), which both are extremely fabulous and urgh. I love them, even though the zombie one is rather small - but I'm going to loose some weight in 2011, so that's okay. then I got some really gorgeous underwear, I' completely in love with it - and a robot necklace and a robot figurine. then a mascara, a perfume (Bvlgari Black, so nom nom nom), boxers, some money and two gift certificates to the same store. I don't think I left something out.. oh yeah, and a really cute shirt I've been having my eyes on for a while! it's soft pink, with a big ribbon on.the food was also really delicious, and I ate so much! it was so good. I ate like.. two full plates, where I normally eat one, so I was completely full. but when it's Christmas, it's almost like a rule to eat when you're completely stuffed, haha.
so my christmas was well spent, and people liked the presents I got for them, so I couldn't be more satisfied.

today, we had dinner at my mom's place, where Mette (my sister's friend who currently lives here), my sister and her boyfriend, my mom, brother and his girlfriend and I were. it was so nice, I can tell you that! I got so full again. definitely have to start exercising again, haha. we got a lotta food, and christmas beer (but I don't drink beer, I get sick if I drink it). we played some boardgames, Bezzerwizzer, where I read the cards aloud and was the judge. all in all, I had a lot of fun today. but the thing is though, that after I have had a really nice and/or fun day, I don't know what to do afterwards. I'm so bored right now. just smoking some fags and drinking some coke. probably going to bed soon, since I'm exhausted and I don't really have anything else to do, hahah.

I found a picture from this spring, I'm going to share.my sister and I, when her hair was blonde and I had brown hair and extensions. I look so chubby. I weighed a lot more back then, because of the meds I was on, and the extra kgs were really hard to loose, so I exercised like a maniac and ate close to nothing. I was really sick at one point, with my eating disorder. but I think that went away after a few months. it sucks that it comes from time to time, where I get really sick. I haven't had it since this Spring, and I definitely hope it won't come back again! it sucks, really. but I've lost even more weight after that, I can see that in my face. which makes me really pleased with myself, haha. I need to start exercising again, so I can get healthier and more in shape and look a little bit better. just on my tummy, though, and a bit on my thighs. surprisingly, I don't want to loose anything on my hips, since I'm quite okay with them. and jamie likes them too, so that just makes it better, hahah.
I don't get why people say my sister and I look alike, because I really don't see it. first of all, we don't have the same type of face. she's oval, and I'm heartshaped. she has full lips, and I have pretty thin lips. she has a smaller nose than I, and hers is straight, while mine has more bumps on it. I have rounder eyes than she does. she's tall and curvy, as in hourglass shaped, and I'm short and more square. I don't get it, we just don't look the same, hahah! she looks better than me.. has all the right features, while I'm stuck with the bad side of the DNA from my family, hahahahah.
idgi.

From throat and eyes came winter and reasons, I'm told to carry on.

I miss summertime, therefore a picture from this summer. I remember that day, it was sooo hot, I felt like I was melting! one of the warmest days ever that summer. it's btw a friend of mine, called Cecilie (WHY DO EVERYONE I KNOW HAVE TO BE NAMED CECILIE? SO CONFUSING), and I miss her. sadly, she doesn't party anymore, and we don't really share the same interests anymore.. but she was sweet. I remember we sat on a swing, her, Cecil and I, and just had fun and talked that summer. I miss those times. ah, summer memories are coming back to me. I was also together with (another) Laura, not the one I've mentioned previously. she lives in Aarhus, but Cecil and I visited her for an entire weekend. it was so much fun, and we have a lot of inside jokes. I don't talk to her that often anymore though, and I really miss it.
I think I've lost some friends after dumping Japanese fashion and music. I mean, I still like it, and I sometimes listen to it too. it's just not that often anymore. I still listen to 12012 though, and sometimes Dir en grey. I used to be such a freak, hahah. with shaved eyebrows, plateau shoes, panty girdles showing, and Japanese brands. I only listened to Japanese rock and metal, and I studied the language. I don't regret a thing, because that's something that made me who I am. I still have some roots from there in my way of dressing, and I can still feel inspired by the fashion. not VK and that stuff though, even though I find it really pretty. it's just not fit for me anymore. I like being who I am right now, not following any kind of styles. I've asked some friends what style they consider me as, and they don't really have an answer. oh, when I dress girly, I've been told I'm having a sort of "Pigebarn"-style. in a good way. I don't know what I am, and I like it that way.
but I think I might have lost some friends over time because of it, which is rather weird. but instead, I've gotten new friends, whom I treasure dearly. but I'll admit, sometimes I miss the old times. like, how obsessed I was about fashion. now, I'm more relaxed, and I rarely dress up. I miss dressing up, but I simply don't know how to do it anymore. well yeah, I put on extra makeup, like eyeliner and eyeshadow, and wear something fancy.
but anyway. long boring rant about me some years ago, haha.

I woke up at 12, and then I packed some stuff so I could go home on Christmas vacation. then Anna came over a few hours after, and we just hung out and chillaxed, listening to music and talking, which was really nice. we also saw some Behind2Hills, and I remember it funnier than it actually was. maybe my humor is not as lame as it used to be, hahah. we also saw Desandnate, listened to Blink 182 (FUCK YEAH), saosin and of mice and men. pretty much my music, haha. I feel sorry for her.
but it was really nice hanging out with her. I gave her her christmas present, a mustache made out of beads, hahaaaha. I'm so lame. lately, I've been obsessed about beads. like, I make everything out of beads. mustaches, joysticks, bows, everything. it's so nice! I like it, but I feel like I'm in kindergarden again, haha. missing those times, where you ate paint because it looked delicious, AHAHAHAHAH. I did.

tomorrow it's Christmas. I'm gonna spend it together with my brother, sister and my brother's girlfriend's family. I'll tell you guys what I got as presents tomorrow!

like shooting stars.

I've had an aaaaamazing day, really. I feel full of happiness and confetti. it's like, if I puked right now, it would all be presents, unicorns and peter pan's shadow-vomit. :D

I woke up at 9:45 AM and took a looong, hot shower. it was so nice! I used my new stuff from the body shop, so I felt all nicely-scented and clean. (commercial much?)
then I took the train from Copenhagen to Jamie's place at 11:37 AM. arrived at 1 PM. yes, it takes an hour and a half to get there, it sucks! but anyway.
I felt so happy seeing him. again, glitter and confetti-vomit. that guy is so weird. hahahah. but I had a lot of fun, I laughed so much over such random things! it was nice, and just what I needed. I mean, I laugh a lot everyday with my friends, but his humor is so lame and unfunny, I laugh at it. if you read this - HAH THERE I SAID IT BITCH. >:D no, I think he's funny, actually.
we ate some nom-worthy food (bbq spareribs, NOM!), and just had fun and snuggled. he's so incredible. hahah. I'm so proud to call him my boyfriend, especially since I know there's a few who wants him - but he's aaaall mine, hahaha. suck it.
we exchanged christmas presents, and since mine hasn't arrived in the mail yet, he made me a cute box with some body butter and a sweet card. and then a picture of what I'm getting. Skull Candy earplugs! nom. in happy colors! I'm pretty excited about them. I gave him a monster robot necklace, now named Godzilla - and he seemed really happy about receiving it, naww. like, showing it off to everyone. it's so ugly it's cute. I've wanted one for myself in a long time now.
but then when I had to leave, the train was FUCKING CANCELLED. I FUCKING HATE DSB. SO MUCH. because that meant I couldn't catch the bus later on, because they didn't drive anymore at that time. so I just got home from walking in the cold for 20-25 minutes, just wearing stockings. :( I fucking hate dsb, it's all their fault if I get sick! hahahah.
so before I left, I tucked him in, and kissed him. then he was ready to sleep, haha.

tomorrow, I'm meeting up with Anna, which I'm looking forward tooooooo. we're also gonna exchange christmas presents, but I just have to buy mine before I meet up with her - I know exactly what to get her, though! I just didn't buy it the last time I was in that store. but I'm looking forward to spend some time with her, she's one of my best friends. too bad she doesn't smoke anymore, but I'll probably end up being evil and rub it in her face.. let's see about that tomorrow, haha.

I feel so happy. :D nom nom nom nom kizzez!

here's there no sins and your life can begin, Lucy at the gym.

the picture is from a few days ago, since I look craptastic today.. so wtf, eheheheh. :D

yesterday, I hung out with Emilia at my place, and I had so much fun! we smoked way too much and talked about all and everything. I laughed so much, it was so nice. we also talked about some private things, which was nice, since I needed advice about something. and she gave me a nice reply, hahah. :D I also talked to Emma about it.
we went for a walk in the freezing cold, holy shitballz, I ended up regretting it. it was soooo cold, my legs were dying! I fucking hate winter. :( so not a winter person. unless you're inside with someone you care about.
she also gave me my Christmas present! it was a pink muffin, and it's really what I needed to my collection of muffins. I have so many, hahah. I feel so scenester, but I do collect muffin and cake-items. it's just so cute, I can't stand it. I felt so sucky when I handed her present over, because all I did make was a ribbon out of pearls, she could use either as a necklace or a hairbow. I suck at presents this year, btw.

and today, I went out looking for Christmas prezzies. I only found one (for my sister, it's really gorgeous), and I found a shirt for my brother, but I didn't buy it because I didn't have enough time. but I'm going there again tomorrow, so I'm gonna buy it there. that's good. then I just have to buy presents for anna, cecil, my mother and signe. I think.

I've been feeling very happy all day, and I still am. it's awesome, I tell you, awesome! I mean, I have a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing best friend, lovely friends I can trust, it's almost Christmas and soon New Years Eve, which is going to be spent with people I love. I cannot wait. <3

you need a doctor baby, you scared?

I wrote a blog a few days ago, where I told everyone how much I loved them and appreciated them, but I ended up deleting it. I was afraid that people might think I was a bummer, because I feel like how I do, and also that people might not really care anyway. but I'm deciding on doing the blog again! but first, I'm gonna tell what I'm up to.
I'm feeling full of love today. people might think it's gross, haha. I think it's great, because it makes me happehfaced.
my mother came over today, helping me tidying my room as she does once a week, since I'm really bad at doing it myself (which, for the lulz, actually is a part of my sickness). then we went out for dinner, and we had sushi, or... I had. she got some curry chicken, and it looked so delicious! om nom nom. but I had a great time, it was nice to see her again. it's my second day of eating sushi in a row, I also ate it yesterday, since we had some really, really, really gross dish for dinner.. it smelled horrible in the entire house, and it was so yucky. I mean, which teenager decides to make "medister og stuvning" nowadays? so emma and I decided to bail, and go get some sushi instead, since there's a sushi bar right across the street. it was yummy. nom nom.

and I haven't been doing that much else.. I've just been home, chillaxing. I've watched some The X Effect on MTV, and holy shitballz, that's some sucky boy/girlfriends right there.

anyway, I want to make a shout out to my dearests, because really, they mean the world to me. without them, I would probably not be here. I love you guys with my whole heart. <3 style="text-align: center;"> Cecil; you're my best friend, and you know that. we have been that, for, what... 5 years now? I don't think that'll ever change, I've never had a friend like you. you're so weird, sweet and amazing, all in one. you're beautiful, even though you don't see it yourself, but you really are. I'm proud to have you as my best friend. I treasure all my memories and moments with you, even the bad ones. I have so many memories with you, I can't even remember it all. I remember New Year's Eve a few years ago, where we were bored and made a photostory about a banana named Johnny. we even gave him a face, hahah. I remember going to Finland this year, and it was the best vacation I have had up till now. I remember the first time we met, and we used our entire night on singing Disney songs and laughing. I treasure that memory so much. I remember going to the beach, walking in the water with pants on, and having just a blast. I remember more than you think I actually do. I'm proud to be your best friend, and I love you so much. and I know that you know that. I'm sorry I can't be there when you need it, but next year, we should really see each other more often. I love you so much.

Jamie; I have so many things I want to say to you. your kindness, your softness, geekiness and amazing personality... thank you so much for being here. I feel like I could travel space with you, so far out no one has ever been, and still feel like I was safe and whole and home, just because you're right there with me. you have no idea how much you mean to me, just thinking about you makes me smile. you're so wonderful, and I can't believe that you're mine. I would do so much to fight for you, to make you happy. when I look at pictures of you, which I do often (because I'm a creepy stalker), I feel so overwhelmed and happy and bubbly on the inside. you're really something special, and in a very good way. I don't know what to do if you weren't around, just your existence makes me happy. I remember sitting on the train, laughing at "IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!", while you shook your glasses. best traintrip ever. I remember the first time we met, and how fascinated I was because of you. I remember the many memories I have with "airplanes", not gonna tell about it though. I love you to the bones, baby, you're the best boyfriend ever. + you're fricking hot,hahahahah. :D no, seriously. I love you more than fat kids love chocolate chip cake. I treasure every moment I am with you, every textmessage, it fills me with love. I keep them and you tightly locked inside in my heart. Anna; we've known each other for long time, haven't we? we've even been girlfriends for 13 months. I think you're quite special, and I can't say how grateful I am to have you in my life. girl, u so sweet and awzum, hahahah. I have a lot of memories with you. I remember when my last boyfriend dumped me, and I was sad, so I came to your place, where you had lined up alcohol, fags and hookah for me. it was just pure bliss. I remember laying really drunk in the grass with you, listening to random music on your phone. I remember our 1 year anniversary, where I took you out for the ferriswheel at Vesterport, you gently laying your head on my shoulder as we watched birds in crowds. I remember when your face when I gave you that presents that day, how excited and loved you felt. it was awesome. girl, I really do love you, and never forget that.

Emilia; we've been hospitalized together, and you've seen me at my worst, and you still stick around. I don't get it. but I'm glad you do, because really, I care so much for you. I remember the first time we talked, and we sang singstars on a really low sound level, because it sounded so awful, hahah. I remember when you, laura and I dressed up with beards and weird hats, making awesome videos which still is on FB. I wuv you, even though you bully me, hahah. style="text-align: center;">

Laura; oh dear God, I love you. you've been there during really hard times, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. you've supported me so much, and been totally honest. I consider you as one of my best friends. you've seen me cry, laugh, being mad, in love, everything. and you're still here. I remember the Crystal Castles concert, where we were so fucked up weird, dancing like crazy people. it was fun times, hahah. I love you soooo much.

and now I'm done puking love up. :D

I used to have a best friend, but then he gave me an STD.

no, not really. she doesn't have an STD, as far as I know. :0 hahahahhaa.

so today has been nice, I've hung out with Laura at Strøget, since she needed to buy a dress for new years eve. we didn't find any dresses, but she ended up buying a butterfly and a skirt she'll wear that night. it's going to be awesome, I can't wait. I don't know what I'll wear yet, but probably something androgynous, like I wore today. I wore a white shirt, necktie, black pants and a vest, and I think it looked pretty rad, in my opinion. at least I felt satisfied wearing this, haha.
but yeah, I'm really looking forwards to new years. it's going to be nice. - IF PEOPLE DIDN'T STOP BAILING, hahah.

so, what am I up to? nothing really... I'm listening to some nice music, and I'm just pretty bored. but in a somehow good mood. I ate McD today, and a pancake, so I'm soooo full. that's on the other hand the only things I've eaten today. I bought the Carebear earplugs again, since the thingeys on the end of the plug got lost the last time, so they didn't work. I'm happy I bought them, they're so awesome!

I've found my favorite Suicide Girl. Nanou! HOLY FUCK SHE IS SO HOT AND I WANNA BE LIKE HER. it's not that I want to do stuff with her, she's just so pretty and gorgeous, and I really want her body. like, ment as in.. I want my body to look like her's. I'm going to start working out again soon, and hopefully I'll loose some kgs (just a few), and gain muscles instead on my tummy. I want to look really androgynous, and luckily, I don't have that huge boobies, on the contrary actually. so it's going to look great, and maybe then, I'd have the courage to post on genderqueer.tumblr.com. I check that site everyday, it's so inspiring. I want to be like them, hahah. I feel like I look more like a girl than a boy, which sucks sometimes.

tomorrow, I'm getting up early and will hang out with Laura again at some sucky stores, won't even mention the names here.. but I think it's going to be fun, and then maybe I can buy some more bleaching, since they have this ultra strong one in one of the shops.

I actually don't have anything remotely interesting to share right now, hhaha.

I believe I can see the future, 'cause I repeat the same rutines.

I don't know why, but I feel kind of melancholic right now. I really don't know why, my day has been chillax and everything. so I have no idea why I feel like this. I'm just tired of everything, and I feel like I need love right now. just to be held in warm hands.
I don't know, I just want to give up from time to time. and I feel like that right now. that it simply does not seem worth it.

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

I think I used to be someone, now I just stare into the sun.

I just love Nine Inch Nails, their music is amazing. their album With Teeth is amazing, and their lyrics are incredible. I don't care if it's not underground anymore, because damn, that's just great music.

anyway, I went to my sister's birthday yesterday. I bought her a box set from The Body Shop, full of moisturizer and peeling and all that jazz. she got happy, even though it was a quite boring gift, in my opinion. I'd love to give her something really awesome, but I had no idea what to buy her. I know what I'll get her for Christmas though, and I think she might like it!
I didn't get there in time to eat birthday buns, I came over at around 2 PM instead. later, her guests came, which consisted of Christina, my brother and his girlfriend Signe, Mette, Rikke, Anne, and her boyfriend, Mikkel. then we had some delicious dinner, it tasted so good, one of my favorite dishes actually! it's a dish I don't know the name of, but it's so good. my mother's husband used to make it from time to time, when he had time, since it takes a lot of time to make. and it's sooooo goood! nom nom. yeah, I'm ranting about that dish, but wth. :'D
we drank a lot of red wine that night, and I got sooo drunk. it was quite embarassing, because I have never been drunk in front of anyone in my family. smoked way too many fags. but I had a nice night! signe, mikkel and I stayed up until late, talking and mocking eachother. it was hella fun, hahah. went to bed at 3 AM.

I also made a bet, that if I don't stop smoking from January 1st, I have to pay 300 DKK to Mikkel, Christina and my mom. that's pretty good, since I don't have enough money to do that, which means I just have to stop. they're also quitting. teamwork, wooh!

tomorrow, I'm going out with my beloved friend Laura, since she needs a dress for New Years Eve. I'm really looking forward to spend some time with her, even though we are roomies, we actually don't see each other that often, because she always has plans during the day. I, on the other hand, are a low life, with no school or job or whatsoever, lawlz. emoing here.
but she's one of my closest friends, she's so awesome. she rather weird and used to be really annoying when I first met her, but now she's more down to earth and laidback, which is great. she has helped me through a lot of hard shit, when it comes to gender and sexuality, and she's been there through fun times also. we were hospitalized together, and have had some pretty deep talks and helped each other out during difficult times. she knows me really well, and we talk very openly with each other. I love her so much, and I'm proud of who she is. <3 I hope she knows that.

I really want to get a Isabella/Christina piercing! that'd be fricking rad, man. I know I'd love it. the thing is, I have to wait until I turn 18. I've wanted it for a long time now, but I just recently started thinking again about getting one. it must hurt so baaaad. idk. it looks pretty and cute.

I miss Jamie. a lot.

you sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

I'm pretty happy I dyed and cut my hair short actually, despite getting a more feminine face. that sucks ofc for me right now, but when I dress girly, it won't look stupid. and I'm happy about the haircut, it's nice and short and it feels good to be stroked on. it's still orange some places, or as Jamie was kind enough to point out, salmon-colored. *angry fist*
I had to cut some of my bangs shorter though, because it was so dead due to all the bleaching. but I'm grown pretty fond of my hair right now, which means my friends can't bully me with me looking like a scenekid anymore. now, I'm just told I look like a faggy queer, as Laura was so sweet to say. I don't mind being called that, actually, because that's pretty much what I am.

I spend some time with Jamie, my lovely boyfriend (yes, I'm proud to say that, hahah. I'm so proud he's mine) from Friday noon until Saturday night. now I'm home, and I'm just chillaxing to some music, Enter Shikari's Common Dreads. it's awesome, I just downloaded it.

I'm holding a small get-together on New Years Eve, where I'm gonna be together with my best friend Cecil, Nanna, Emilia, Laura and her boyfriend, David. I wish Jamie was there too, so I could kiss him when the time hits 12. he's going to be together with his best friend Lars, and I think that's great, they haven't seen each other in ages. but if that doesn't work out (they haven't settled things yet), he is welcome at my place. I hope he knows that. so if you're reading this; COME TO MY PLACE! hahah. you know I want you there. <3 I also want him to meet my friends.
but I'm looking so much forward to it, spending New Years with some of my closest friends. I hope Emma can come too, but she's probably going to spend it together with her almost-boyfriend, I think.. I'll ask her tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, my dearest older sister turns 19 tomorrow! she's getting old, huh. I've bought her a present, I'll tell you what it is tomorrow. but I can't wait to see my family, it'll be so nice. lately, I've talked with her a lot on the phone. it's really nice, knowing what she's up to, since she's always to busy to hang out with me. so I'm coming over at noon, where we'll eat birthday buns and pancakes, nom nom nom.

my blog is so unbelievably boring, I'm so sorry for those who follows me on blogspot.

what if all the worlds inside of your head is just creations of your own?

I look so stupid and wapanese. but all the other pictures SUCKED. deal with it.

I just broke my lamp some minutes ago.. I accidentally tugged the cord, and it fell on the floor and broke into pieces. sucks man, that lamp was so cute! it had cherry blossoms on it. goddamnit. now I gotta go to IKEA again. I really don't want to, all the screaming kids and the scent of sucky food and the long lines of people...

I went to Jamie's place yesterday, and honestly, I had so much fun. I laughed so much over the most ridiculous things! it was awesome. oh, and he had a surprise for me! a box full of chocolate and socks, hahahah. I got so happy, I felt so loved. he's cute.

I also made a secret for queersecrets.tumblr.com, but it haven't showed up yet. try to figure out which one is mine. :D it's pretty obvious. I mean, really.

I haven't done much today. I went to my psychologist for the last time, even though I got pissed off at some point. I actually don't get pissed off very easily, but I was just annoyed. it was because my contact person Berit tried to pressure me into seeing my psychologist every week from now on as usual, but I had specifically told her that I wanted to stop. she just kept going, and came up with excuses why I should still see her. I kept telling her no. at a point, I wanted to scream "NO I DON'T FUCKING WANNA GO THERE!", because I got so annoyed. I didn't do it though. but what's important is, I NEVER HAVE TO GO THERE AGAAAAAIN. :'D

otherwise, I have done absolutely nothing. I've hung out with Laura an hour an a half, but that's it. but I had a nice time, we just lay in her bed, talking about stuff. DO DAT DINOSAWR RAWR!

I've downloaded some NIN on my computer, and I had totally forgotten how amazing their music is. so right now, I'm listening to The Hand That Feeds. I remember listening to Right Where It Belongs a lot when I was at my worst, when I just got hospitalized.. I remember a lot of memories about that song, like when I was deeply psychotic, and I made a drawing out of it. I don't know where it is anymore, and I'd really like to see it again.. I remember harming myself after listening to that song, everyday for a very long time. I know I should probably not like that song anymore, but it means a lot to me. I can relate to everything about that song, when it comes to my schizophrenia, because it was that type of schizophrenia I had and still have.
I used to think that everything was just made up inside my head, that the world didn't exist and it was only a dream. that if I looked over my shoulders, the world behind me was created in that splitsecond it took to turn my head. it makes me sad to listen to that song, so maybe I shouldn't, but I can't stop myself. I'm afraid of getting psychotic again, like I was at that time. I remember sitting at the hospital, and suddenly, the blue floor turned into waves, like water. that the walls bulged and made shapes, which scared me. I remember one time, I got a really bad trip of psychosis, where I suddenly looked at my legs and thought; "these can't be mine. those are not my legs." apparently, in my head, it belonged to Alice, alice from wonderland. they were sewn off and dead, and definitely not mine, so I panicked. I was on my way to get help, and on the hallway to the office, there was this huge windows. I looked at it, and it felt like a puppet show, because of the curtains. that everything outside was looking at my little play, my act. that it was some some of theatre, which only confirmed the thoughts I already had about the world I was living in wasn't real. that I was something someone had made up, and that I was created inside someone elses head. I was really psychotic that night, there were a lot of other things, but I can't remember it right now.
I get sad, thinking back at all those things, because I was really fucked up. I remember the first day I was at the hospital, I sat by the window, wishing more and more that I could disappear. I was listening to boys don't cry. I want to read my diary from that time, just to see how I felt, but I don't know if it would be smart of me. I'll probably get sadder, and it will affect me and my thoughts.. because already, now when I'm listening to this song, I start to think; "is the world even real, or did I just make my happiness up inside my head? how come a moment can be there for an instant, and suddenly be gone?"

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods

cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort.

I cut my hair shorter yesterday, or.. Lenna did, since she knows how to cut boy's hair. the weird thing is, though, that I look more feminine now, than I did with longer hair. it's weird, and not exactly what I wanted. I love the haircut though, I'm crazy about it! right now, I'm sitting with bleach in my hair, and it's itching like crazy. I bleached it one time before this time, because it got platin some places, and other places were still a bit red. I hope I can get it all even know, that would be rad. so now, I'm getting hair like agyness deyn. :]

today has been a bore, as usual, and I keep thinking about the weekend. it was so nice, and I just want to go back to hugging him.
I slept until pretty late, and then I got in the shower, and after that, I went to Strøget by myself. I bought two packs of hair bleaching kits, a hair wax, and a hair spray. and also, I bought boxers! it's my first time, and I can't wait to wear them tomorrow. I bought some with stars on, an just some regular black and white ones, and then a pair with a lady on, in a cartoon-ish style. I love them, they're so awesome! I want to be more androgynous. that's the main reason I cut my hair short. I just want to look like something inbetween genders, because let's face it; I'm born a girl, will always be, since I'm not transsexual (at least I don't think I am). I just feel more in contact with my male side that my female side. when I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a boy, I get more satisfied with myself in any other way I can. I don't care if I look ugly, but if I look like a boy, I get happy. so now, I just want to be androgynous, since I have both male and female sides. I talk a lot about genders, don't I? well, it's a part of me I'm struggling with everyday, because honestly, it's a mess for me. definitely don't want to be a girl, or even worse, seen as a girl. Jamie wrote "girlyboy" to me some days ago, and I got so happy, because he really understands that that's something that means a lot to me, even more when it comes from persons I love. it's one of the things that makes me want to end my life actually, that I can't be what I really want to be.

Emilia had a dream about me this night, where I comitted suicide. apparently, due to some dream dictionary, that means I'll change. I don't know, hahah. I've changed a lot in a very short time, at least my best friend said so.

I miss my best friend, she deserves to be mention here on my blog. I miss her. but I'm having a small get-together on new years eve where she will be, so that's good. I can't wait to see her again, I still have a present for her I have forgotten to give her. I have such great memories with her, like going to the Moomin Valley, and having random inside jokes. I love her to pieces, mhm. <3

tomorrow, I'm going to see Jamie again at his place, and I cannot waaaaait~ I'm so in love, hahah.

he doesn't look a thing like jesus, but he talks like a gentleman.

this is a picture (or two) of my boyfriend, Jamie. *hearts and candies* yes, we're together again, after this weekend, and I'm so blissful that we are. I can't describe the feeling I have in my tummy, it feels so right and good.

so I went to his parent's place, since he was on a visit, because a lot of shit is going on at his residency. I've met them before, his parents, and I really like them. I just don't hope they see me as a freak, haha. I got so excited when I saw him again! hahah. like, I was through the roof, inside my head. it felt like ages since the last time I saw him, so I was mentally rolling on the floor in excitement. it was amazing, hugging him again, and to kiss him was even better.
we got upstairs during the evening, just laying in his bed kissing and huggling, when he suddenly says he has a surprise for me. it was SO CUTE!!! a little letter, saying "will you be my girlfriend.. again? Yes, No, Maybe". I started laughing, because I didn't know how to react, because it was so damn adorable of him. of course I said yes. so now, we're back together, and I could absolutely not be happier than I am right now about it.

we also made christmas decorations! ours failed and ended up looking like I-don't-know-what, but it was so nice and lovely to just spend time with him and his family.

I feel like I could rant about him forever, hahah. he gives me the butterflies, the feeling that I'm loved and protected, and that everything is always okay. I don't know, it all just feels right when I'm with him, like he's what I needed, the arms I needed around me. he makes me feel a special feeling, that I can't describe, but it's amazing. he is amazing.

I love you to the bones. thank you for being here.

And when I wake, I'm right here by your side to feel your heart beat in and out of time.

I cut my hair shorter when I was together with Cecil - not sure if I like it. I actually wanted it as Agyness Deyn at first, even with the bangs and all, but I was too much of a pussy to do it. so it just got a bit shorter.. maybe I'll do it someday, but I'm still unsure if I want to be feminine or boyish, so idk. I'm still considering cutting my sides shorter though, but again, that would make me look more like a boy. and if I suddenly feel like a girl, I would regret it.

tomorrow, I'm going to the piercer with Anna, so she can get her septum done. it's going to look fucking rad, I just know it! I can't wait to see it. and I can't wait to see her. she's close me, after all, we dated for a year, but now we're just really close friends. I love hanging out with that person. :'D
I actually went to the piercer today too! I just had to get my cheeks shorter, since they were really sticking out. it looked pretty dumb. so I finally woke up at a reasonable time, and got it done! I feel awesome, so now they look cute. but I'm considering taking them out actually.. there's just too much metal in my face, and I don't want to take out my lip piercings, since they're my favorites in my face, and I love my bridge.. so it kinda has to be them. which sucks, since they're cute.
I also had plans to see Jamie tomorrow, but there's going to be a blizzard tomorrow, and I would be there at 7 PM, because I also have to go to the piercer.. so we're not going to see each other tomorrow, probably. I just really miss him, and I want to give him some homemade crap I've made for him. we'll figure something out.

I've felt high all day because of him though, so I'm in a great mood. right now, I'm just bored. and I want to watch Rugrats. and I want someone to pet me, because I'm a good boy. :D

I bought some Christmas prezzies today! one for Dina, my sister, and I hope she'll like it. the other one was for Jamie, and it's fucking rad, I've actually wanted it myself for soooo long. it's so fucking awesome! might buy one for myself as a christmas present, hahaha.

oh, and Emilia is a nullerpullergøj-julenisse. :'D you know you are!

I'm Peter Pan, and I don't wanna grow up, so it's a good thing I have a plan; rescue all the pretty girls, escape from crocodiles.

I went to Cecil's 18th birthday this weekend. it was so cozy! I love her, and her family. we had some wine and champagne and really lovely food, when her family came over. she got such grown-up prezzies! like towels and such.
we got drunk on her birthday, and later that night, we watched Rugrats. fun times, fun times. :D
we also watched Titanic. I'm such a pussy, I even got teary-eyed during the ending of the movie.
in total, I just had a blast, and I had a lovely weekend. I love you baby. <3

Monday, I went to drive gokart with my residence. I failed so much at it. I was close to crying, because I got frustrated about my gender because of it, because I felt like I failed at being both a boy and being a girl. which is true. I fail at being boyish, and I also fail at being girlish, because I'm so.. idk. boyish? and yet not enough to be a boy, because I also suck at that. it just frustrated me, but my dear Jamie calmed me down, and wrote some sweet textmessages to me, that I shouldn't try to put myself into a box of genders. fuck the gender binary, I'm just peter pan, I can be whatever I want to!

today, I went to Ikea, and bought even more candles, and more wallstickers. I bought some really nice candles, that smells like vanilla. I lit one of them an hour ago, and it smells amazing in here. you can smell the smoke from the fags... which reminds me. I decided to quit smoking AFTER new year, because I know I'll end up smoking that night. so, 2011 will be smoke-free!

I'm having butterflies and chest cramps right now, and I'm not even texting him. I'm just happy right now. he's such a good guy, and I love him to pieces.. he makes my heart pound, my stomach fluttering and my chest cramping, maybe I'm sick? hahah. no, not really. he wrote a blog about me yesterday, and I got so happy! I'm just... argh. :'D he's so lovely and delicate, and I just want it to be his birthday NOW, so I have an excuse to see him and give him my crappy prezzies.

I've downloaded some music today, Amy Can Flyy. it's so cute and gay. they even have a song about peter pan! I actually dreamt about peter pan this night...
I dreamt that I was peter pan, and that Sleeping Beauty was my girlfriend. I had to rescue her from her evil parents, but she ended up dying. what's odd, was that I got a massive boner in my dream, because she kissed me and whispered sweet things in my ears. srsly, it was huge, and so hard, haahahahh! when I have sex dreams, I almost always dream that I have a dick. isn't that kind of odd?

I'm Peter Pan, and I don't wanna grow up
So it's a good thing that I have a plan
I'm gonna rescue all the pretty girls
Escape from crocodiles and battle a pirate with a hook for a hand
I am going to do everything I always wanted
I have nothing to prove so you don't have to understand it

suffocation, no breathing.

everything just seem out of order right now. I'm dysphoric about everything in my life.

yes, it's one of those blogs again. I feel like shit, and I do that all the time. I wish people would take me seriously, but on the other hand, I don't tell about my problems to everyone. it's only a few who knows I'm wondering about suicide again, because honestly, I'm too afraid they'll A) stop me from doing it, and B) just think it's a cry for help. it's not. I really want to..

my days? I spend them on being alone in my room, hurting myself mentally. when I'm with others, I feel like I put on a mask of joy, and act like a goofball like I always do. I don't know, man. I don't even know if I feel like that. I'm just tired of having to figure all this shit out.

I want to die. I sound so pathetic, I know.

I just feel like I'm loosing it all, like I'm becoming someone I hate. can't go into details why, because some people might get pissed, and some is too personal... I'm tired of dealing with these gender-issues. I don't know what I am, and I can't figure it out. first of all, I'm a teenager, so ofc I'm confused, but having a disorder that automatically makes you even more confused (that's what my type of schizophrenia does), really sucks. I don't even know anymore. I feel like I'm falling apart in the seams. litterally. I'm not sure about anything atm. I just want it all to go away, and find peace. and right now, it all just don't seem worth it. I'm keeping myself going right at the moment, because I don't want to die before my best friend turns 18, because I know she wouldn't be able to take it.. not before her birthday. but I don't know what to do after...
I honestly just want to die.

these white pills aren't kind.

so I'm just gonna tell about my week.

Monday, I visited Jamie, and it was nice. a bit awkward, but nice. there was some silence if I remember correctly, but we also lay in each other's arms and cuddled and kissed. we talked about having an open relationship. I don't know, man, in a way I think I'll be able to do it, but in a way, it's the opposite. I mean, I like the thought of being able to kiss and fuck other people, but I know that Jamie might fall in love in the persons he would fuck around with. so I don't know. I don't think we have anything between us anymore, or at least not from his side. so.. idk. idk man. but it was really nice to see him, I think it was nice to talk to him about it all face to face. and of course, the cuddling.

Wednesday, I went to the fucking Crystal Castles concert in Vega!! AWESOME, I TELL YOU, AWESOME! I danced soooo much, it was so pleasant. but they didn't play Not In Love and XXCUZXX ME, which I'm kind of dissapointed about.. but Crimewave was fucking rad! Alice Glass is fucking amazing, even though she had her foot broken.

and Friday night, I spend together with Laura and her boyfriend, David. it was nice! they're both so sweet, and obviously very in love with each other. so when they snuggled, they teased me for being the emo in the corner with nobody, hahah. but they made sure I was okay, and I didn't feel outside the conversation. I went for a walk with David and talked about juggalos and ICP.

Saturday, I spent some time together with my brother and his girlfriend, making sushi and watching brokeback mountain. that movie dissapointed me... D: I had expected so much more. but it was really nice to get to talk to my brother, I rarely see him. I told him about my addiction to weed I had earlier this year, and he beat some sense into me, since he has also been addicted to it.

and now, I'm just home, smoking some fags. I still feel like I should be dead, because I know I won't turn 25 ever. why not just do it now?

you should see my scars.

I don't really know why my hair looks purple.. it's brown, with a reddish undertone, because it was pink before. somehow, it just turned out purple on this pic, maybe it was the light.

I've started to think a lot about death again. about dying and suicide. life just don't seem worth it anymore, I give up. my life is better than somes, yes, but I can't stand the thought of living with schizophrenia until the day I pass away. it just don't seem worth it. I am happy, then I'm sad. I'm tired of my scars, that they remind me of certain events, my past. I'm tired of dealing with gender-issues everyday, because it's such a big part of me. I mean, I'm happy that I found out about who I am, but the thought that I will forever be unstable about my gender throughout my life, kills me. it kills me that I see things that are not there, feel like everyone is gonna shoot me, even my own brother, I'm tired of being so paranoid. idk... I'm tired of being dumped, am I that uncabeable of being loved and falling in love with? I'm tired of being forgotten, and people get over me. being taken for granted. I'm tired of living.
I don't know... I feel like just dying already, I don't want to become an adult. I'm proud of who I am right at the moment, but in a way, I'm not. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to be hospitalized. I just want to be at ease. be taken out of this drama of a life, self-inflicted drama. I just simply don't want to live anymore. and I don't even have a right reason, I just don't want to stay like I am anymore. I don't want to be fucking hospitalized again, and I'm too afraid to tell anyone, because I know they'll put me in the looney bin again. and I don't want to. I've tried my best, and I'm actually pretty happy or at least okay atm, I just don't want to live anymore.

it's not a cry for help, because at the bottom of my heart, I just want to be at peace. and right now, my life is nothing like that.

it's Friday, I'm in love!

so yeah, I'm actually pretty happy tonight. why shouldn't I be? the person I'm in love with sends me sweet texts and we're having random fun, it's Friday, I'm seeing Anna tomorrow, I survived the day, my best friend is bullying me in a loving manner, and everything is just good in my mind right now. I'm just afraid that I might fall down or sumthin, but I feel fucking fantastic right now.

so he's sending me sweet textmessages from time to time, telling me I look pretty and he feels mushy when he looks at me. he says he loves me. and I couldn't be more happy than I already am. I don't know if it's good or bad, though. right now, it's very good. I feel like I just fell in love with him again, I'm having chest cramps when he writes me, just like I did 3 months ago. I don't know if he's in love with me, or if he has feelings for me. but right now, I just don't care, I'm happily in love. of course, it would make me happy to know that he likes me back, but I also like this. I'm just happy. happy in love. all I can think about is him.

but besides being happy, today has been a bore. the only thing I have done is to get my bus card renewed, and even though the trip only takes around 10 minutes, it managed to get up to 30-40 minutes! D: it sucked mega ass, man. everything with the busses just went wrong. originally, I wanted to go out and by some dresses alone (FOREVER ALOOOONE), but because both trains and busses fucked up, I decided not to. it was just too messy for me. D:
and then I made dinner for the rest of the residence, homemade hamburgers. it tasted deliciouuuus. I'm still full, hahah!

and tomorrow, I'm seeing my dear friend anna. we're not going to drink, even though I have the urge and booze. we're just gonna hang out, find some chillax stuff to do. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

swallow your pride.

sometimes when I look at pictures of myself, I realize how many piercings I actually have. it's kind of weird. like, I think "omg, wtf, that's so.. weird." that's how I feel when I look at this picture. and yes, I do know that I look like shit, but wth, it's just my blog.

I've come to some conclusions;
I need to stop hurting myself. I've thought a lot about it, and now I'm at that point where I really sincerely just want to stop doing it. it'll be hard, but I want to try it out. not only for my own sake, but also the sake of others. I know I have hurt a lot of people around me by doing this to myself, and I don't want that anymore. not that I ever wanted that, believe me, I didn't. but right now, I just feel like.. I actually want to give it a shot and give it up for good. just quit. stop getting more and more nasty scars. I see the beauty in scars, the story behind. but I also see the surface and the ugliness. I don't think anyone would ever date me if they saw them.. not that I'm searching for any dates at all, I really don't. I still just want Jamie. it just sucks that I'm still so deeply in love with him.

I also need to stop smoking. or just cut down on some fags a day, since I smoke too much.

but anyway... my day has been kind of boring, but I went out and ate with my mom, which was really nice. I got soooo full. as of lately, I haven't really been eating anything, only one meal a day. today too. but I simply can't eat big portions of food anymore. ): I get full just by the smallest things.
the next few days will also be boring, my only plans are that I'm going to visit Anna.

No one ever said that life was fair, and I'm not saying that it should be
So knowing that you are where you want to be, and I'm not, comes as no surprise
But don't expect me to be happy for you
And don't smile at me and tell me things will work out for me too
I don't want your pity
I hate your pity

please stay, don't go, I got you now.

so how's it hanging everyone? I'm doing somewhat okay, I guess.

so today, one of the adults woke me up at 10 AM, and I actually was awake. I just decided that, since I had nothing to do, that I wanted to sleep some more. but today, I'll try to go to bed somewhat earlier than I normally do, even though it's midnight now. but well, I'll probably go to bed after I've written this.
but yeah.. emma came home and woke me up, and then we went to McD. totally gross, but we both felt like it. I ate two burgers and fries, how more fat can I get. then, because she needed a rug, we went to a local rug seller, but they were all so... pricy, to say it like that. fucking expensive was more what my head was screaming. so instead, we went to Ikea. I didn't really need anything, but I ended up buying more wall stickers and more candles... I have way too many candles, it's like an obsession. I love them. so much. but now I don't have anyone to share them with... sadface. fucking sadface. ):

so yeah, that was pretty much my day. we went home and just hung out, like we normally do. and tomorrow, I have no plans, since she's going to see her boyfriend, and make dinner for the rest of us. I miss Nanna and Laura. Nanna is hospitalized, and Laura is in in Dublin. so I can't even hang out with them. my weekend will also be boring. I might be going out clubbing with a girl I've written with, and then I'm going to see Anna sometime during Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing her! she's really been there for me, with all my problems and heartbreak and all that jazz... now I'm just looking forward to hang out with her.
I hope Cecil is coming over, I really miss her. but it's just if she has the money for it.. so I don't think she will. but then I'd have something to do, plus I really miss her and I want to take her to Vela someday. out clubbing with all the gays.

Jamie is coming home from Malmö tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to writing with him again.. but I feel so pathetic, that I'm looking so much forward to it, and we're not even together anymore.

don't treat me like I ever accused you.

I've dyed my hair! for now, it's brown. I'm actually pretty accomplished with the outlook. I like it. it just looks a bit red on this picture, but whatever..
so it's 4:23 AM, and I just came home from a night out. I went out at 2 AM, with a girl I know. I just hung out with her and her friend at a gaybar, didn't get anything to drink at all, because I was too lazy, and also because I knew that I might feel bad later on, because my mind isn't really stable right now. a lot of things are going through my head.. mostly about jamie, but also about love in general and life. that I can't decide things, which is absolutely true. I have the most fucked up mind when it comes to deciding things. like... should I live and for what purpose? I'm not talking about dying and suicide, I don't want to die. I want to live. but it's more why I should. I just have to find my reasons, and that's pretty tough. I also keep thinking about Jamie, all the places we were and all the stuff we did. like, when I went to Rådhuspladsen earlier this night, I remembered the first time we met at Pride. how I felt when I saw him, and the mysteriousness he had. the kindness in him, and how he looked at me. when I left, and he immediately texted me "come back! <3". and so I did. tonight, I don't feel so clear about it all.. I have written with him all day on MSN, and we just both acted like goofballs, exchanging everyday words, like friends do. I got so happy, while writing with him. lately, all we have talked about was feelings and stuff like that, so it was a nice exchange. I just.. I can feel the tears well up in me, because it's really hard to think and write about. but I think I can manage it, not to cry. of course I want to support him if it was the right decision, but I also kind of forget about myself.. I just. I just want to be with him, you know? I don't want to get over him. I really hope for the slightest chance that we will get back together someday.. but we probably won't, and that's what fucking hurts. I don't want my heart to close that spot I have reserved for him. I just want to be with him.. I'm so sorry for whining about this all the time. but he means so fucking much to me, and I can't let it go. I know he won't have a relationship the next months, that's at least what he told me. but I don't know if I can wait that long without him... I don't know what to dooooo.
being heartbroken sucks big time dick.

but anyway.. I just..

I'm not okay. I'm really not. I need someone to talk to.

it's just like him, to wander off in the evergreen park. slowly searching.

today has also been hard, but after some sleep, I actually feel a lot better. my inside of my head feels clean, and I can see straight again. maybe it was for the better to just end it, because the situation has really hurt me and made me go through a lot of shit. so maybe it was for the best. I will never find someone like him again, and if he died, I would be so devastated, because really, he means so much to me. but I now think it's better we're not together. but I'll admit, if he wanted me back, I would do it in a heartbeat.

but for now, all I can do is to mourn over my loss of him and try to get on with my life. apparently, it just wasn't meant for the two of us to be together. maybe in the future, but I don't know. I want to.. it's more like.. when will he get better? and will he find someone else to make him happy?

but really, I'm okay. if that's what's best for him, why shouldn't I support him? after all, he means so much to me.

I'm okay.


Well let's see. After you decide that I'm depressed or whatever, you'll put me on meds right? I'll go back to work on my new anti-depressants. Have dinner with my parents, persuade them that I'm back to being the normal one who never gives them any trouble. Then one day, some guy will ask me to marry him. I'm mean it's enough, it will make my parents very happy. In the first year we will make love all the time, and then in the second and third, less and less. But just as were getting sick of each other, I'll get pregnant. Taking care of kids, holding up a job, paying mortgages, it'll keep us on moving keel for awhile. And then about ten years into it, he'll have an affair because I'm too busy and to tired and I'll find out. I'll threaten to kill him, his mistress, myself. We'll get past it and in a few years he'll have another one, but this time I'm just going to pretend I don't know 'cause somehow keeping up a fuss just doesn't seem worth the trouble this time. And I'll live out the rest of my days, sometimes wishing my kids could have a life that I never had. Other times secretly pleased they're turning into repeats of me. I'm fine, really.

test my arms, kick like crazy, I've been trying way too long.

so I haven't written for a week or so, haven't I.. see, the last few days has been horrible. I don't have a boyfriend anymore, and my heart is completely open and it feels like it's about to tear apart. I feel like shit. I've been drinking, crying, hurting myself, crying even more, smoking too many fags, vomited to much because I was nervous, and again; crying. I still feel like crying.

he says he has feelings for me... but he's standing in too much shit to be in a relationship. he has too much to think about..
I still love him, and I love him to the bones.. I felt like he was the right for me, that I could be with him for years. it just hurts that he doesn't feel the same way.. I can feel the tears pressing as I write about it. it's just weird. I saw him yesterday, and he told me he was in love with me. then today, he sent me a textmessage, that he was still confused. and then it just went from there. we texted each other about it, and he decided that it would be the best for him to be single. it just hurts, knowing that he'd rather be single, than with me.
he says that I haven't done anything wrong, on the contrary actually... he just need to work on some things. the thing is, that I want to be a part of it too, to help him. I don't know.

I really don't fucking know anything anymore. the tears are running down my face, and I'm choking.

it just hurts so fucking much, knowing that he's no longer mine. I want to harm myself, get stitches, go as far down so I can see the fat and flesh beneath the skin... I've done it before, and it will happen.

looking at my own reflection, and suddenly it changes, violently it changes.

I feel so insecure, and so fucking frustrated right now. and I don't even know why. it feels like my head is echoing, my skin is too tight and it itches on the inside... I want to pull my hair out and go crazy because of this feeling. it's like I'm about to see double, but not quite. I just want to ARGH and just scream, bite and scratch.. kick someone, or more likely, myself. dig nails into skin, not even my own, but just skin.
I don't even know the cause of this. maybe it's my sickness. maybe I'm just having a bad day. maybe it's gender-issues. I don't fucking know, man, I don't fucking know. I just know that I have to avoid mirrors, because this self-hatred I have right now is too unbearable. it's not really my face at the moment, I can look at that. but it's my body. my female fucking body. I'm growing insane here, so I think it might be gender issues I'm having. I hate the fact that I were, and never will be, something even close to a boy. I don't want to be a real boy though, I just want to... I don't know. fuck it. I just want to be happy with myself.

I feel like I'm such a jerk, that people have no reason to be with me. I know that I'm a friendly person, and I have a lot who cares for me, but right at the moment, I'm just so fucking sceptical. I don't see any reasons to be near my company. I'm just a low-life, self-torturing loser, who's not really funny or anything special. I feel like wanting to destroy everything good I have. I don't want to, but something deep inside of me tells me to do it. fuck, dude. I feel like shit right now.

I'm thinking about harming myself, more likely slicing myself, because maybe that'll get the frustration out. it used to work. the thing is, though, that I really don't want to. I've done it so much in the past, one of my arms are completely slaughtered. but the other part of me believes that there's no reason why I shouldn't do it, it's already broken. I just don't want to... I'll probably end up doing it anyway, because this frustration is not something I'm able to bear.

it's when I'm alone it comes, when I know that I have no plans whatsoever the next days.

the lovecats.

I've dyed my hair piiiink! it looks pretty rad, in my opinion. I look like some sort of chemical-freak, hahah. it's awesome. it was Monday I dyed it, and the color still looks pretty good. I feel like dressing up in colors with this hair. *thumbs up*

so I went to visit Cecil, from Monday to Thursday. we had such an awesome time together! we watched porn, lame movies and did all kinds of crap. it was so nice to see her again. it's been waaaaay too long. the last time we were together for realz was in Finland, and that's a few months ago. FAIL! especially when you think about the fact that you are best friends.. but we live so far away from each other, so we don't get to see each other that often, especially because we both have plans during the weekends... and it costs a fortune to get there, like 600 DKK, and that's a lot, especially when you don't have that much money... sucks nipples.
but we had an awesome time together, like always. did random stuff and laughed a hella lot, just being uncharming and perverse as we always have been. we have always been pervs together, ever since the first time we met. the sad thing is, that now, I mean every little pervy thing I say... or most of it, at least.
I love her with my whole heart, she means the world to me, and I can't imagine life without her.

OH! and one of my good, good, good friends has a thing for me. it's kinda cute. I miss her, we live about 20 minutes away from each other in walking distance, and we see each other once a week or so. she's so sweet, even though she calls me a flaming homo, like... always. -__- hahahahah. fail at my life.

tomorrow, I'm going to Jamie's parents' house for the first time! it's going to be awesome. I'm just so fucking nervous, it's unbelievable. I have no idea what to do and what to say.. I hope they'll like me anyways,.. despite all the piercings and the pink hair, and that I seem like a complete douchebag, because I'm A) nervous, and B) I'm shy. I've also forgotten my deo at Cecil's place, so unless I can borrow one of Emma's, I'm also going to smell. FML.
can't wait to see him again.

I'm enjoying my vacation to the fullest, hahah.

I am the kid with the CHEMICALS.

this weekend has been really lovely. I spend my time at Jamie's place, and we pretty much did nothing, really, besides laying in bed and eating unhealthy stuff. we made sundaes, whoohoo! :D it tasted fucking beast, it did. chocolate icecream, sprinkles, chocolate sauce, chocolate-coated marshmallow treats, whipped cream, everything. it was AWESOME. it's been, well.. I can't even remember if I've ever have made a sundae from scratch. but holy shit, it was delicious.
I've also eaten pizzas 3 times this weekend. one time yesterday for dinner, a slice for breakfast and then later this evening, because my residence apparently had left over some slices. fucking yummy. I'm going to get so fat, I just know it. :'D

I'm listening to DJ Crackrat and later on I'll enjoy a few smokes, probably while watching a movie. tomorrow, I'm going to do it, the unpreventable thing; I'm going to dye my hair PINK! how awesome is that. I'm probably going to look like some scene kid, but wtf. when I'm girly, it's going to look rather rad, I think, because I wear really dolly, antique-ish things. tomorrow, I'm going to hang out with Emma and Laura and buy/dye my hair together with them, and later that evening, I'm heading over at Cecil's place. I'm so looking farward to both things, hahahaha. I can't wait to see her again, and I can't wait to get pink haaaaaiiiiiir... she's going to dye her hair baby blue when I'm there, because I have the hairdye. woo, can't wait! *hearts and flowers*

I miss Jamie already. :(

did you know that I love you? come and lay with me. I love you.

today has been fairly boring. not just to say "fairly", but... extremely boring. I haven't been doing anything remotely interesting at all. originally, Emilia and I had planned to hang out, but she had forgotten she had an appointment with her shrink. so I got up fairly early, and then I waited for her to come to my place, checking Facebook, where she wrote about the appointment, and that she was sorry. but it was okay, everyone can forget an appointment once in a while. :) I do that, too. I didn't get angry at her.
so after that, I went to the bank with Laura and my contact person, Berit (AND ROBBED EVERYTHING MUHAHAHAHAH), because my card didn't work properly. so now, everything's fixed! such a relief that I can finally use it again. then we went to the pharmacy, because Laura needed some rescription pills.
unfortunately, I couldn't hang out with her when we came home, not for such a long time at least. she's sleeping at her mother's place. Nanna is also home on Bornholm, a little Danish island. and Emma had her boyfriend over. so I've pretty much just had a whole day for myself.. kind of boring, I must admit. maybe I'm just a boring person, hahahahha.

tomorrow, I'm going to sleep at Jamie's place, it's going to be so lovely. I am so much in love with him, it's whack. he surely does something to me, and the feeling I get is insane... it's like happiness, orgasms, rainbows and joy x 500. I feel so safe with him. and that I truly can be who I am, that I don't have to hide anything. he makes me feel better about myself, and not so critical of everything I do.
so yeah, I can't wait for tomorrow to come. I seriously consider just going to bed so time can move faster. isn't that pathetic? heh..

oh, and also; I just discovered how much dick crunkcore sucks (in my opinion).

now I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure.

I visited my mom today! she's babysitting two of these babies. aren't she cute? she's called Lulu. they're French bulldogs. they groint when they are happy, hahah. so cute. and then they are really small, just my type of dog. the other one is called Sigrid, a Danish name (pronounces See-rid). hahahahah. they were so happy and cuddly all the time, constantly wanting attention. I'm more of a cat person, but they were so cute... I miss my brother's dog, Liva. she's so stupid, it's unbelievable. she thinks she's way smaller than she really is, so she keeps donking her head into everything, really. but she's so adorable and happy...
when I become an adult, I'll definitely get a pet. a cat, called Milk. what species, I don't know yet, but my dream is to get a munchkin. but they are so fricking expensive!

I need to get in shape btw. I've been looking at all these gorgeous boys, and I really want a body like theirs. also the girl's bodies. I just wish you could do it like THIS, and then you would be in shape, with tones muscles and all. I want to loose a few kgs, so I'd weigh.. around 53-52, about that. it's only 2-3 kgs. that could be easy to do. :D or, easy and easy... not so much maybe. hahahhaha. I just have to work hard on it, but this time, in a good and healthy way. I don't want to get anorexic again, and I don't think I will this time. I feel healthy and sane enough to go through this, without cheating and doing stupid stuff like.. stop eating and stuff like that, which I used to do, when I wanted to loose weight. come to think of it, I've never been on a real diet, only the bad ones, like just-water diets and shit like that.
I need a lot of exercise, so tomorrow, after I've hung out with Emilia, I'll go to the gym and work out on muscles and run. it's ridiculous how little muscles I have on my arms, you can squeeze them down, hahahhaahha. I fail at life. I also want to get a toned abs. and a nicer ass.

speaking of something entirely else; I want pink hair. like, really, really bad. that would be sweet. except that I would have to dye my hair every week, because the colour I normally use only last for a few days.. go suck a dick, Stargazer, go suck a dick. I'd also have to bleach my hair, and red is really difficult to bleach... and I actually like my red hair. maybe I shouldn't. but it would just be sweeeeet to have pink hair... I want some kind of crazy color, not just pink, but maybe something else. pink is the main thing I want, though.
maybe I should do it. should I?

tomorrow, I'm going to hang out with Emilia, that sweet bastard. :'D she keeps calling me gay. but wth, as a girl, I am such a bulldyke from time to time, and as a boy, I'm such a faggot it hurts.

ps. I'm allowed to see Jamie again!