looking at my own reflection, and suddenly it changes, violently it changes.

I feel so insecure, and so fucking frustrated right now. and I don't even know why. it feels like my head is echoing, my skin is too tight and it itches on the inside... I want to pull my hair out and go crazy because of this feeling. it's like I'm about to see double, but not quite. I just want to ARGH and just scream, bite and scratch.. kick someone, or more likely, myself. dig nails into skin, not even my own, but just skin.
I don't even know the cause of this. maybe it's my sickness. maybe I'm just having a bad day. maybe it's gender-issues. I don't fucking know, man, I don't fucking know. I just know that I have to avoid mirrors, because this self-hatred I have right now is too unbearable. it's not really my face at the moment, I can look at that. but it's my body. my female fucking body. I'm growing insane here, so I think it might be gender issues I'm having. I hate the fact that I were, and never will be, something even close to a boy. I don't want to be a real boy though, I just want to... I don't know. fuck it. I just want to be happy with myself.

I feel like I'm such a jerk, that people have no reason to be with me. I know that I'm a friendly person, and I have a lot who cares for me, but right at the moment, I'm just so fucking sceptical. I don't see any reasons to be near my company. I'm just a low-life, self-torturing loser, who's not really funny or anything special. I feel like wanting to destroy everything good I have. I don't want to, but something deep inside of me tells me to do it. fuck, dude. I feel like shit right now.

I'm thinking about harming myself, more likely slicing myself, because maybe that'll get the frustration out. it used to work. the thing is, though, that I really don't want to. I've done it so much in the past, one of my arms are completely slaughtered. but the other part of me believes that there's no reason why I shouldn't do it, it's already broken. I just don't want to... I'll probably end up doing it anyway, because this frustration is not something I'm able to bear.

it's when I'm alone it comes, when I know that I have no plans whatsoever the next days.