test my arms, kick like crazy, I've been trying way too long.

so I haven't written for a week or so, haven't I.. see, the last few days has been horrible. I don't have a boyfriend anymore, and my heart is completely open and it feels like it's about to tear apart. I feel like shit. I've been drinking, crying, hurting myself, crying even more, smoking too many fags, vomited to much because I was nervous, and again; crying. I still feel like crying.

he says he has feelings for me... but he's standing in too much shit to be in a relationship. he has too much to think about..
I still love him, and I love him to the bones.. I felt like he was the right for me, that I could be with him for years. it just hurts that he doesn't feel the same way.. I can feel the tears pressing as I write about it. it's just weird. I saw him yesterday, and he told me he was in love with me. then today, he sent me a textmessage, that he was still confused. and then it just went from there. we texted each other about it, and he decided that it would be the best for him to be single. it just hurts, knowing that he'd rather be single, than with me.
he says that I haven't done anything wrong, on the contrary actually... he just need to work on some things. the thing is, that I want to be a part of it too, to help him. I don't know.

I really don't fucking know anything anymore. the tears are running down my face, and I'm choking.

it just hurts so fucking much, knowing that he's no longer mine. I want to harm myself, get stitches, go as far down so I can see the fat and flesh beneath the skin... I've done it before, and it will happen.