suffocation, no breathing.

everything just seem out of order right now. I'm dysphoric about everything in my life.

yes, it's one of those blogs again. I feel like shit, and I do that all the time. I wish people would take me seriously, but on the other hand, I don't tell about my problems to everyone. it's only a few who knows I'm wondering about suicide again, because honestly, I'm too afraid they'll A) stop me from doing it, and B) just think it's a cry for help. it's not. I really want to..

my days? I spend them on being alone in my room, hurting myself mentally. when I'm with others, I feel like I put on a mask of joy, and act like a goofball like I always do. I don't know, man. I don't even know if I feel like that. I'm just tired of having to figure all this shit out.

I want to die. I sound so pathetic, I know.

I just feel like I'm loosing it all, like I'm becoming someone I hate. can't go into details why, because some people might get pissed, and some is too personal... I'm tired of dealing with these gender-issues. I don't know what I am, and I can't figure it out. first of all, I'm a teenager, so ofc I'm confused, but having a disorder that automatically makes you even more confused (that's what my type of schizophrenia does), really sucks. I don't even know anymore. I feel like I'm falling apart in the seams. litterally. I'm not sure about anything atm. I just want it all to go away, and find peace. and right now, it all just don't seem worth it. I'm keeping myself going right at the moment, because I don't want to die before my best friend turns 18, because I know she wouldn't be able to take it.. not before her birthday. but I don't know what to do after...
I honestly just want to die.