don't treat me like I ever accused you.

I've dyed my hair! for now, it's brown. I'm actually pretty accomplished with the outlook. I like it. it just looks a bit red on this picture, but whatever..
so it's 4:23 AM, and I just came home from a night out. I went out at 2 AM, with a girl I know. I just hung out with her and her friend at a gaybar, didn't get anything to drink at all, because I was too lazy, and also because I knew that I might feel bad later on, because my mind isn't really stable right now. a lot of things are going through my head.. mostly about jamie, but also about love in general and life. that I can't decide things, which is absolutely true. I have the most fucked up mind when it comes to deciding things. like... should I live and for what purpose? I'm not talking about dying and suicide, I don't want to die. I want to live. but it's more why I should. I just have to find my reasons, and that's pretty tough. I also keep thinking about Jamie, all the places we were and all the stuff we did. like, when I went to Rådhuspladsen earlier this night, I remembered the first time we met at Pride. how I felt when I saw him, and the mysteriousness he had. the kindness in him, and how he looked at me. when I left, and he immediately texted me "come back! <3". and so I did. tonight, I don't feel so clear about it all.. I have written with him all day on MSN, and we just both acted like goofballs, exchanging everyday words, like friends do. I got so happy, while writing with him. lately, all we have talked about was feelings and stuff like that, so it was a nice exchange. I just.. I can feel the tears well up in me, because it's really hard to think and write about. but I think I can manage it, not to cry. of course I want to support him if it was the right decision, but I also kind of forget about myself.. I just. I just want to be with him, you know? I don't want to get over him. I really hope for the slightest chance that we will get back together someday.. but we probably won't, and that's what fucking hurts. I don't want my heart to close that spot I have reserved for him. I just want to be with him.. I'm so sorry for whining about this all the time. but he means so fucking much to me, and I can't let it go. I know he won't have a relationship the next months, that's at least what he told me. but I don't know if I can wait that long without him... I don't know what to dooooo.
being heartbroken sucks big time dick.

but anyway.. I just..

I'm not okay. I'm really not. I need someone to talk to.