you should see my scars.

I don't really know why my hair looks purple.. it's brown, with a reddish undertone, because it was pink before. somehow, it just turned out purple on this pic, maybe it was the light.

I've started to think a lot about death again. about dying and suicide. life just don't seem worth it anymore, I give up. my life is better than somes, yes, but I can't stand the thought of living with schizophrenia until the day I pass away. it just don't seem worth it. I am happy, then I'm sad. I'm tired of my scars, that they remind me of certain events, my past. I'm tired of dealing with gender-issues everyday, because it's such a big part of me. I mean, I'm happy that I found out about who I am, but the thought that I will forever be unstable about my gender throughout my life, kills me. it kills me that I see things that are not there, feel like everyone is gonna shoot me, even my own brother, I'm tired of being so paranoid. idk... I'm tired of being dumped, am I that uncabeable of being loved and falling in love with? I'm tired of being forgotten, and people get over me. being taken for granted. I'm tired of living.
I don't know... I feel like just dying already, I don't want to become an adult. I'm proud of who I am right at the moment, but in a way, I'm not. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to be hospitalized. I just want to be at ease. be taken out of this drama of a life, self-inflicted drama. I just simply don't want to live anymore. and I don't even have a right reason, I just don't want to stay like I am anymore. I don't want to be fucking hospitalized again, and I'm too afraid to tell anyone, because I know they'll put me in the looney bin again. and I don't want to. I've tried my best, and I'm actually pretty happy or at least okay atm, I just don't want to live anymore.

it's not a cry for help, because at the bottom of my heart, I just want to be at peace. and right now, my life is nothing like that.