NEKKID CHICKS! RIGHT THERE!I slept until 2 PM again today. I also had to make dinner for everyone again today. it sucks cow nipple. but I made homemade pizza, woohoo! I wasn't accomplished with the taste of it, but the others told me it was very delicious. I only made it because it didn't take that much time and because I didn't have to clean so much afterwards... I'm way too lazy, I know that, but it's Sunday, and I also made dinner yesterday, which was homemade burgers. nomz000r. tastes gewd. anyway, I didn't really do anything else for today, because again, it's Sunday, and Emma had her boyfriend over, Nanna felt mentally sick, Laura wasn't home, and they are the people I hang out the most with here at this residence...
when Emma's boyfriend left, she came to my room, though, and we just sat and talked. she was really fucked up in her head, she admitted it. she litterally begged me to harm myself with her.. in all different ways, but regularly, she asked me "don't you want to cut yourself?". I had to be honest and say yes, because lately, it has started to build up again. "I want to go out and get hit by a car so I can be hospitalized (physically)."
it was hard for me to say "no, I don't want to harm myself with you", but I stayed strong, even though it was difficult as hell. I wanted to.
so instead, she told me she had to go to the bathroom, but I knew she was going to do it. I feel like such a weakling for not being able to stop her.. so she cut herself. it just made me feel even more like burning myself. but I won't do it today, I'm going to see Jamie tomorrow, and he usually helps when I have these urges! when I told her that she didn't have to go to the emergency room, she looked sad.
of course I appreciate that people can talk to me about their problems, their sicknesses and their self-harming, but I also want them to know that it affects me. the main reason why I harm myself is because everyone around me does it, and I am not strong enough to fight it. right at the moment, I don't need and feel the urges to self-injure, which is fantastic, but when I feel like it these days, it's because of the people around me, their scars and their unhealed wounds.
but after she did it, she got a little better, and we started listening to all this GANGSTAAAA RAAAAAP, westlife and backstreet boys. laura joined us when she came home. it was nice. we also watched a lot of weird shit on youtube.. hahahah.
now, I'm listening to Mariah Carey's Without You, and it's pretty rad, I must admit. I will listen to N.E.R.D now, though. I'M A PROVIIIIIIDERRRR, GIRL.. <3
well, yeah. one of the things that I've been thinking of a lot is that.. well, the residence is somehow both a good thing and a bad thing for you, cause you cut yourself less when you weren't there, and you didn't smoke all that crap and such. but on the other hand; you're happy to be there, and you have a lot of fun and friends there, and for me your happiness is the most important.
SvarSletbtw, homemade burger.. fuck yes. do want.
I am very proud of you, that you could be that strong, very proud. but I really understand that you wanted to say yes. but I am so damn proud of you, babe.