hiding the tears in my eyes, 'cause boys don't cry.

I have gotten cheeks, wohoo and yayz! I love them, even though the balls are kinda big.. I want smaller ones, but I can only get it after a month. kinda sucks. but I'm happy I got it done (even though I apparently can't eat Toffifee.... D: )

anyway, today's topic is gender, because I've finally come to understand myself better.

I dress girly, and I dress boyish. sometimes, a mix of both. when I was twelve years old, just hit puberty and started to get more womanly, I started thinking "why can't I be that male model in my magazine?". I remember thinking that. I started to wish I biologically was a boy. I remember crying at night because I was getting more and more like a woman, more and more like an adult. up to a few months ago, I felt like that. now, it has kinda started to come back, and I feel like dying because I know I can't be what I really want to be. something inbetween the genders. I keep wondering whether I'm a feminine boy or just a masculine girl, and that thought is way too frustrating sometimes. but I've finally come to understand myself. for a while, I thought I was transsexual, then I figured out that I wasn't, because you'd definitely know if you are. I just wish I were a boy more... I feel like, that if I actually were a boy, maybe I wouldn't have these gender-problems, but I don't know. I'm not transsexual, I know that for sure. I just want to be genderless, or something between the genders.
there was a time where I honestly thought I was a boy. now, I'm just confused, because I like being both. apparently, I'm genderqueer. a few weeks ago, Jamie and I talked about genders, and I told him about how I felt about myself. "Well, maybe you're genderqueer", he said. I thought it over. today, I managed to research it, and I haven't felt like I could relate to what I found more than.. well, I can't find any, besides "boys don't cry". it was such a relief, I can tell you that. now I don't have to think more about what the hell I am. I used to be ashamed whenever people called me "her" or "girl". I still am, for a bit, at least on the internet. I enjoy when people on dA confuses me with a boy. that's why I've always kept my gender hidden there.

someone once said...
"Every time I try to bind my chest and wear my men’s clothes, I wonder what it’s like to be a boy and every time I wear my bra and my dresses, I wonder what it’s like to be a girl."

and something entirely else. I've been smoking a lot of weed lately, and it turns out I probably have a toxic psychosis. I see things that are not there, and I hear things, like someone keeps knocking on my door. but I will write about that later, in another entry.


"I think my gender is Peter Pan. I’m just a boy, and I don’t want to grow up."