Why don't you just fuck off and die.

fuck, I'm so in rage right now! you stupid, fucking whore of a residence. I am shaking in rage right now, chainsmoking and listening to Disturbed. I rarely get angry, but this time, I really am, and I'm also frustrated and on the verge of fucking tears, how pathetic is that!
I'm not allowed to see Jamie anymore during the weekdays. fuck them, they can't just decide that I can't. I am so fucking enraged.. I just want to bawl and cry and scream. their reason? I really don't fucking know anymore. they think I see him too much... I SEE HIM FUCKING 2 TIMES A WEEK, GET THE FUCKING FUCK ASS MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID SON OF A WHORE. I can't see him until I get a "structured day" because I haven't been to school lately (not because of him, BUT MY FUCKING PSYCHOSIS!! get the hell out of here. and also because I didn't feel motivated.)
it's just some bullshit, that's what it is... they will take it up at the meeting tomorrow, but I know how it will end anyway. I won't be able to see him during the weekdays.. this, my beloved friend, sucks ass.
why am I so upset about this? oh yeah, it's because he's the main reason I don't get high and I don't harm myself. right now, I just feel so fucking angry, I could put a lighter to my own skin and burn myself again. just feel it. drag something sharp against my skin. just to get relief and not be so bottled up.
I am so fucking angry, I could just scream and punch myself over and over again.

anyway, jamie helps a bit. he says he won't like to see me throw all I've worked on, out of the window. I can see his point in this.. I don't want to, I really don't want to, but it's difficult when you have to replace on urge with another.

anyway.

I was together with Jamie today, perfectly fine and all, really lovely as it always is, but then I get this phonecall about this crap and that I should come home earlier. shitballz. at least I could have been given permission to enjoy my day with him, but no.
we went to some antique shops and looked after shirts, since they are really cheap and awesome there. we didn't find any, though. then we fell asleep in each others arms. Argh, I'm too upset to write about my day!