cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort.

I cut my hair shorter yesterday, or.. Lenna did, since she knows how to cut boy's hair. the weird thing is, though, that I look more feminine now, than I did with longer hair. it's weird, and not exactly what I wanted. I love the haircut though, I'm crazy about it! right now, I'm sitting with bleach in my hair, and it's itching like crazy. I bleached it one time before this time, because it got platin some places, and other places were still a bit red. I hope I can get it all even know, that would be rad. so now, I'm getting hair like agyness deyn. :]

today has been a bore, as usual, and I keep thinking about the weekend. it was so nice, and I just want to go back to hugging him.
I slept until pretty late, and then I got in the shower, and after that, I went to Strøget by myself. I bought two packs of hair bleaching kits, a hair wax, and a hair spray. and also, I bought boxers! it's my first time, and I can't wait to wear them tomorrow. I bought some with stars on, an just some regular black and white ones, and then a pair with a lady on, in a cartoon-ish style. I love them, they're so awesome! I want to be more androgynous. that's the main reason I cut my hair short. I just want to look like something inbetween genders, because let's face it; I'm born a girl, will always be, since I'm not transsexual (at least I don't think I am). I just feel more in contact with my male side that my female side. when I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a boy, I get more satisfied with myself in any other way I can. I don't care if I look ugly, but if I look like a boy, I get happy. so now, I just want to be androgynous, since I have both male and female sides. I talk a lot about genders, don't I? well, it's a part of me I'm struggling with everyday, because honestly, it's a mess for me. definitely don't want to be a girl, or even worse, seen as a girl. Jamie wrote "girlyboy" to me some days ago, and I got so happy, because he really understands that that's something that means a lot to me, even more when it comes from persons I love. it's one of the things that makes me want to end my life actually, that I can't be what I really want to be.

Emilia had a dream about me this night, where I comitted suicide. apparently, due to some dream dictionary, that means I'll change. I don't know, hahah. I've changed a lot in a very short time, at least my best friend said so.

I miss my best friend, she deserves to be mention here on my blog. I miss her. but I'm having a small get-together on new years eve where she will be, so that's good. I can't wait to see her again, I still have a present for her I have forgotten to give her. I have such great memories with her, like going to the Moomin Valley, and having random inside jokes. I love her to pieces, mhm. <3

tomorrow, I'm going to see Jamie again at his place, and I cannot waaaaait~ I'm so in love, hahah.