what if all the worlds inside of your head is just creations of your own?

I look so stupid and wapanese. but all the other pictures SUCKED. deal with it.

I just broke my lamp some minutes ago.. I accidentally tugged the cord, and it fell on the floor and broke into pieces. sucks man, that lamp was so cute! it had cherry blossoms on it. goddamnit. now I gotta go to IKEA again. I really don't want to, all the screaming kids and the scent of sucky food and the long lines of people...

I went to Jamie's place yesterday, and honestly, I had so much fun. I laughed so much over the most ridiculous things! it was awesome. oh, and he had a surprise for me! a box full of chocolate and socks, hahahah. I got so happy, I felt so loved. he's cute.

I also made a secret for queersecrets.tumblr.com, but it haven't showed up yet. try to figure out which one is mine. :D it's pretty obvious. I mean, really.

I haven't done much today. I went to my psychologist for the last time, even though I got pissed off at some point. I actually don't get pissed off very easily, but I was just annoyed. it was because my contact person Berit tried to pressure me into seeing my psychologist every week from now on as usual, but I had specifically told her that I wanted to stop. she just kept going, and came up with excuses why I should still see her. I kept telling her no. at a point, I wanted to scream "NO I DON'T FUCKING WANNA GO THERE!", because I got so annoyed. I didn't do it though. but what's important is, I NEVER HAVE TO GO THERE AGAAAAAIN. :'D

otherwise, I have done absolutely nothing. I've hung out with Laura an hour an a half, but that's it. but I had a nice time, we just lay in her bed, talking about stuff. DO DAT DINOSAWR RAWR!

I've downloaded some NIN on my computer, and I had totally forgotten how amazing their music is. so right now, I'm listening to The Hand That Feeds. I remember listening to Right Where It Belongs a lot when I was at my worst, when I just got hospitalized.. I remember a lot of memories about that song, like when I was deeply psychotic, and I made a drawing out of it. I don't know where it is anymore, and I'd really like to see it again.. I remember harming myself after listening to that song, everyday for a very long time. I know I should probably not like that song anymore, but it means a lot to me. I can relate to everything about that song, when it comes to my schizophrenia, because it was that type of schizophrenia I had and still have.
I used to think that everything was just made up inside my head, that the world didn't exist and it was only a dream. that if I looked over my shoulders, the world behind me was created in that splitsecond it took to turn my head. it makes me sad to listen to that song, so maybe I shouldn't, but I can't stop myself. I'm afraid of getting psychotic again, like I was at that time. I remember sitting at the hospital, and suddenly, the blue floor turned into waves, like water. that the walls bulged and made shapes, which scared me. I remember one time, I got a really bad trip of psychosis, where I suddenly looked at my legs and thought; "these can't be mine. those are not my legs." apparently, in my head, it belonged to Alice, alice from wonderland. they were sewn off and dead, and definitely not mine, so I panicked. I was on my way to get help, and on the hallway to the office, there was this huge windows. I looked at it, and it felt like a puppet show, because of the curtains. that everything outside was looking at my little play, my act. that it was some some of theatre, which only confirmed the thoughts I already had about the world I was living in wasn't real. that I was something someone had made up, and that I was created inside someone elses head. I was really psychotic that night, there were a lot of other things, but I can't remember it right now.
I get sad, thinking back at all those things, because I was really fucked up. I remember the first day I was at the hospital, I sat by the window, wishing more and more that I could disappear. I was listening to boys don't cry. I want to read my diary from that time, just to see how I felt, but I don't know if it would be smart of me. I'll probably get sadder, and it will affect me and my thoughts.. because already, now when I'm listening to this song, I start to think; "is the world even real, or did I just make my happiness up inside my head? how come a moment can be there for an instant, and suddenly be gone?"

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods