stand tall, stand proud.

so I finally got my ass up and applied for the name change!! WOOH! fuck yeah. so now, if everything goes as it should, I should officially be named Billie Damien (+ last name) within the next two weeks. I'm so fucking excited. I've distanced myself way too long ago from my birth name, but finally, I did something to change it... so wish me luck that everything's going to be fine, and I'll get it accepted! did some other practical things today, too, and ordered a new phone. it's a HTC Wildfire S I ordered, and even though I have this strong hate towards smartphones (I'm like an old man, for cereal), I'm actually pretty excited about recieving it. it's more like... I can't wait to actually be able to do something as simple as just CALLING people now, and texting, just like every other young adult/teenager. I've gone around without a phone for about.. 2 or 3 months now, so it's about time. I will recieve it latest on Tuesday. WOO!

I got this really, really annoying and weird urge... to, yes, dye my hair purple. have had it for a few weeks. and now, I'm really considering it, even though I know pretty much everyone I know will be like "DONCHUDOIT", haha. it's weird.. I once really hated the color purple, but now, I really adore it. I find it pretty.
also cut my bangs shorter, and I don't really know if I like it. it's pretty much just shorter, like, really short on the left side, and then gets longer on the right side. not sure if like.
I really need to stand tall right at the moment, because my self-esteem is way low, and I know why it is. anywayz0r,.. that means that I'm scared of what people will think of me, if I dye it purple. but I realized something; I need to be myself, as I finally figured out who I am. and be proud..

I didn't go to school today, because I felt horrible.
as I mentioned, my self-esteem is lower than.. well, imaginable. and a single comment made me go down yesterday evening. I kept thinking... "it's not worth it", you know, fighting for myself. so today, after a consulation with a doctor, who also didn't get why I'm transgender, I was like; "fuck this shit", put on a dress, makeup, and became someone I'm not. and it was weird... it was like my personality had slipped away, like drops of water. and I felt absolutely nothing. nothing at fucking all.
went to my mum's to talk things out with her, and had an amazing talk. she made me realize that I should be who I am inside, despite what people think about me. she really helped me out today. that I should be proud of who I am, stand tall.
I guess I also became someone else, because I'm under pressure of thinking about what people at my school think about me, and because I have to come out to them.... which I haven't done yet, because I haven't been to school. but tomorrow, I'm going, and I'm gonna start the fucking day with getting things off my chest. I think. lol. because I shouldn't think about what others think of me, but be proud of how far I've come.
I'm mostly coming out to them, because I'm going to try and get a refferal, so I can start on T soon. that's what keeps me going, right at the moment.

btw.. I'm so sorry, I keep writing about these transgender-thoughts I have. it's not so interesting, and rather depressing from time to time, but it's what fills my mind, and I'm finally able to talk about it.

the curse of being a girl.

I was born a girl. but inside, I'm a young man. I want to rip off this skin, that seems to lie all the fucking time, and does nothing else than fuck me up completely. I just want to be who I am, be free of these genetic chains...
it was hard for me to write down the title of this blog entry, because I really don't want to admit that I am - bio-fucking-logical - a girl. I feel so fucking weird and awkward about it, and I can't.. well, believe that this is what my genes says I am. because inside, it's completely different. I relate to nothing of the female body. I feel like something's missing, and there's something extra on my body, and it's not mine. well, for now it is, but I hope that'll change within some years, minus the phalloplasty, because it's simply not good enough yet, in my opinion. but at the same time, I have planned on not getting any tattoos on my left forearm besides the one I have now, because.. you know, just in case, right?
when I look at myself in the mirror, undressed and naked, I feel like I'm looking at a whole another person. everything seems so fucking awkward and downright weird and does not make any sense.
this is extremely hard for me to write this entry right now. the title... it's from a Kashmir song. but it's so fucking hard to get down on paper, and even on this blog, because I just want to be seen as a guy, simple as that.. and I really doubt a lot, that people actually see me as who I am, but just say it so I can be pleased or whatever. I doubt that a lot. I just wish I could be who I am, not fight for just becoming something close to what I am - but actually be me. it's easy to give up on this journal, but I will fight my ass off. but there are just so many thoughts, and it overwhelms me.
lately, I haven't been passing as male very well, besides today, when some kids yelled "see, 2 faggots!" after me and my fiancé, because we were holding hands on the street. kind of funny, though.
and as I mentioned in the entry earlier today, I'm scared of coming out to the rest of my classmates. but I'm going to do it on Monday. but really, I need support, and no matter what response I get from them, I'll be worn out, because it's hard. so please, just someone.. please support me. I really need it, no matter the response.
I feel kind of weak.

and I've lost who I am.

I hosted a party yesterday, for my classmates on KUBA (the school I'm at right at the moment). it was awesome, simply awesome. I had some deep conversations with Alberte and Anna Rosa, and I also had a lot of with the others. it was simply blissful. I hosted it at my mum's place, because we're not allowed to drink at my residency (even though we do it anyways).. at 4 PM, Karoline and Kruhøffer came over and helped me buying all the things we needed for the party. Andreas had planned to come and help too, but he slept in and came an hour earlier than the rest of the guests. ate some pizza, did the welcome drinks, and just sat and talked. then we went to pick up the rest at 7:30 PM, but we ended up waiting at the trainstation in almost an hour and a half! people were all fucking late, and some came around 10 PM. we started out with sitting in my mum's kitchen, since my sister's friends had taken over the living room. she was also hosting something, so it was a share-thing about the apartment.
we just listened to awesome music, had fun, drank a lot and laughed. I had such a great time, I can't even describe it! I had bought a bottle of Fisherman, and I ended up drinking over the half of it, just in shots.. so yeah, I got pretty damn drunk, lol. well, everybody was really drunk, tbh. also ended up smoking weed 3 times that night, not the smartest idea ever, but it was kinda fun... got really high, actually. then when the rest was about to leave, my boyfriend came over, since it was our anniversary. then I kinda colapsed on the floor, when he went to buy nomz. D: fail...
but all in all, I think the party was really succesfull! everybody seemed to have an amazing time, so I'm happy!

I met some from my sister's class, those she had invited over. I met this girl, who also is transsexual, so we talked for a bit and exchanged facebook profiles. she seemed really kind, and it's nice to know more people who stands in the same position as I do. it was really pleasant... talked a bit about hormone therapy with her, and what doctors to go to. we pretty much agreed on everything, haha.
I also came out to two more from my class yesterday night. they took it very well, and were all like; "that's so brave of you to say", and "it seems like you've really found yourself" and asked more into it. it was just.. ah, wow. haha. 4 down, 8 to go! I should really come out to the rest of them soon, I'm just so scared of what they'll think of me, now when we have all become good friends. but maybe I'll stand up in class on Monday, and just say it as a sort of announcement.. will definitely tell you how it went, if I have the balls to do so. ):
I want to be straight honest with them, first of all, and let them see who I am. and it's also because I will try to get my refferal to the specialist within the next 6 months, and hopefully start on T. right now, it seems unbearable to not being in transition at all. I want to be who I feel like soon, because it's wearing me down.
I don't really know what to say, tbh. I really need some support to come out to them, and the girl I talked with yesterday, said she'll definitely help me, if I needed it. I also need support from my friends, because I think it's going to be hard for me. but then at least, if I do it, I can be myself for the rest of the year... definitely something I should think more about, I'm sure it can make me do it. soon.
I read through my blog a while ago, and I noticed that before I came out, I was always talking about how confused I was, and how terrible I felt. now, I feel sort of free, in a way. not the way it will be when I start to transition for real, but it's freeing. I'm also changing my name officially next week. I'm not sure on the first name, though, but I know for sure that Damien will be my middle name. maybe Alex, after my dad's brother? I don't know yet. but I'll decide tonight. but the first name doesn't really matter, I will just get others to call me Damien, just like everyone I know does right now.
I think I'll post a more deep entry later, or maybe tomorrow, if I want to. I need to get things of my chest, but I'm in a hurry atm. I'm going home now.

"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"

so how's everything hanging, guys? I'm sitting here in my way too messy room, listening to the rain and having a cigarette. just finished editing some pics, and one of them is up on DeviantArt, together with a poem I posted a week ago or so. I've been hanging out with Emilia, one of my dear friends, whom I've mentioned a lot, hahah. we haven't seen each other in a while... so when I saw her again, I was overjoyed. <3
we went for a walk in the local park, and just talked. most of it was about deeper things, and I learned some things about her I didn't know, even though we have been one of each other's best mates in two years! it was so lovely to see her again. we kinda have some of the same thoughts about serious matters, and some things about our past is very much alike, especially when it comes to our mums and all the thoughts you have as a child. I'm not saying my mum is bad, she's more than I ever could wish for now. <3 she's so supportive of who I am by now, but we had our problems when I was younger. it was around the time I was severely depressed, she could scold me for doing all kinds of things, that didn't make sense. but she did it because she was under pressure of her former husband, who died a year and a half ago. so it went out on me, because he wasn't fond of me... so when he scolded me for the most random things, she would agree, or just sit back and watch, for his sake. it's kind of tragic, isn't it.. I was with a girl at the time, and he was pretty much, like... REALLY homophobic, when I think of it, and when my mother told him I was in a relationship with a girl, he just rolled his eyes. if he knew me know, as I'm out about being transgender, he would probably not contact me or talk to me, if he lived.

I've been trying to write this entry a bunch of times now, but I don't really know if it gets too personal, so I'll leave it. I just wanted to write about my past, and what I've gone through. but it's too close to me (obviously, since it was my life), and stings way too painfully. I'm actually in a great mood, though! I've felt amazingly blissful the entire day, and I've had this thought in my head all awake hours, that I'm so grateful to be alive. <3
but anyway, it's too close, everything, so I'll write about my everyday, as usual. lol.

what have I been doing since the last time I wrote here?
I've been to Pride, for an instant. I've been drunk, been high a few times, been tired as fuck, and I've enjoyed my life. pretty much the average life of a teenage boy, huh? :'D

I haven't taken my testosterone booster in a pretty long time, since I've been too scared to take it. only two of my classmates know I'm transgender, and I'm kind of scared of coming out. at first, I was in the closet, then I came out to EVERYONE, and now I'm partly back in the closet. BOOH! it really sucks in there. but the two girls I came out to, though, were really accepting, and asked me a bunch of things, to get to know more about it. it was nice, being fully accepted.
but I'm starting up on the booster again tomorrow, and then eventually, I'll come out to the rest. I'm trying to wake up as early as possible, and go to the gym before school, if I can manage it. I really need to get more bulky! D: not because it's stereotypically male, but because that's how I want to be. skinny, but with a touch of muscles. oh la laaaa. <3

I'm currently looking at fonts for my (probably) next tattoo, which I'm planning on getting this week, if my brother isn't occupied. it was actually planned to be my first tat, but I got some others instead before it.. but it's about time I get it now. my brother is also getting it, and it's going to be a tattoo in honour of him, and life itself. it's "memento mori" I'm getting, on my nape. I can't wait... <3 my fiancé's getting tattooed this Wednesday, and I can't wait to see the result. I can imagine what couple we'll end up being in the future; heavily tattooed, pierced, open-minded, with a small dog, in a really shitty apartment. and honestly, I'm looking forward to that time. <3

at the moment, there's a quote from the movie, "Girl, Interrupted" stuck on my mind. sometimes, I still do believe that my mum wish I wasn't around. she used to call tell me daily, that she regretted not having an abortion when she was pregnant, and that things would be easier if I were dead. she told me that daily at the time I was severely depressed, which only increased everything I felt. I still, from time to time, connect to the old thoughts, that it would be better for her if I wasn't here.
I used sex as a form of hurting myself at a time, and slept with a lot of random persons during a passage of time. it was kind of weird. but I felt dirty and horrible afterwards everytime, and I ended up wounded.

"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"

never guessed it got this good.

it's been a while since I wrote (again, I'm becoming a slacker when it comes to blogging), but I feel like writing right now. I've written several entries I just haven't posted, because I've only written around half of what I wanted to get out. but this time, I'll post!
so as you can see on the picture, I've gotten my beloved tattoo, Sputnik 1. <3 I'm super stoked. it didn't hurt at all, but I could feel it more when he was near my elbow though. but not painful. I'm getting so hooked on tattoos, it's crazy. and having a boyfriend who also loves tattoos, it's sure damn hard to not get new ones, because we talk about it all the fucking time. he's thinking about buying a tattoo starters kit, so I'm thinking.. Ceciiiiil, get over here... and make something on me, yes? <3
but seriously, I'm stoked about this Sputnik.

I've started at my new school, K.U.B.A, and I fucking love every damn bit of it. my classmates are absolutely fucking amazing, and I enjoy the things we do in class. so far, we've written essays, poems, articles, and short stories. I really feel like I could evovle here. and the guys there...! fuck, they are so sweet and I can really imagine becoming good friends with a lot of them. I couldn't be more satisfied than I am! <3
been spending a lot of time after school at a bar called Floss, together with my classmates. it's extremely nice.. but one thing is bothering me... I haven't come out to them yet, about being transgender. but I'm not afraid anymore, really. I've told one of the girls about it, but I don't think she really understood. but it's okay, really. but I plan on doing it soon, and they all already call me Damien, which is super nice.

I've loved Audrey Kawasaki's painting in a year or more now, but these days, I feel so fucking inspired by her. which results in... tattoos. lol. I'm getting a backpiece of one of her paintings in the future. but it's all so damn inspiring, and I love them all.

I don't think I have much more to say right now, but I hope you all are enjoying yourselves. I certainly am! oh, and I'll try to get better at blogging. btw, I've made a new blog for my personal project at K.U.B.A - my poetry. the link is;
damiens-scribbles.blogspot.com. I could really use some opinions, so please leave a comment!

I can see your perfect world.

SO WHADDUPZ, GUIZE? it's been a really long time since my last entry, hasn't it? to be frank, I've been in a rush all the fucking time, but in a good way. I've done so many things, had cozy times with my friends, been occupied with my boyfriend, intaken too much alcohol (it was summer vacation, so I guess it's okay, haha), and just laughed and had an incredible time. I have so much to tell, I don't even know where to start! there will probably lie a bunch of pictures ahead, haha. urgh, I'm feeling joyful.
the last time I wrote here, I was leaving for London. it's like... a month and 2 weeks ago. I went with a good friend of mine, Emilia, and it was absolutely fantabulous! I had such a great time. we pretty much didn't get to see any tourist-y things, as we originally wanted to, but instead, we shopped a lot. like... really, a lot. I had a boner after Vivienne Westwood shops, and the last day we were in London, I used all my left-over money and bought a pair of pants and a t-shirt from her brand. then my wang got happy, hahahahahahha. I only had 15 pounds left when we took the flight home. also bought a lot of other clothing, and saw the most incredible shop ever. Cyberdog, it's called, and even though I'm not cyber, I have periods where I'm absolutely LOVING bright colors! so I bought a pair of strong mint green pants from there, and I'm so happy I bought them. then, I bought a lot of other bright clothes from small random shops at Camden. smoked hookah with Emilia one of the days too, and just sat there in the hookah café and felt blissful. and we took a bunch of pictures too! <3

what else.. now that I have to write everything I've done down, I can't remember any of it, haha. OH, I remember one thing, the main thing I wanted to write about, but that'll come later!
went to some parties with my friends and my boyfriend, and have been out at bars a lot. also, just being the two of us, just sitting in my mum's kitchen, being in love and drinking red wine. it's been lovely, it really has. but I'm cutting down on my alcohol intake now, since I'm starting in school TOMORROOOOOW. more about that later!
the main thing... oh yeah... wanna now? I'm - oh yes - ENGAGED!! so actually, he's not only my boyfriend now, but my fiancé. <3 and I'm so proud to call him mine. he's the sweetest thing ever, though we sometime annoy the shit out of each other because we've pretty much been together 24/7, ever since I came home from London. like.. the only time we're not together, is when one of us is using the bathroom. as crazy as it sounds, it's been just what I needed, being with him all the time.
off tracks - I'M ENGAGED! LIKE-- FOR REALZ! and I couldn't be happier. we went for a walk a late night on the 20th of July, and he was very focused on the road we walked, like he was kind of distant. but we just walked and chatted with each other, hand in hand. he wanted to go to the bench we had our first kiss on.. and I was all made of "okay, sure". sitting on that bench in the dark, we talked for a while. then he said "there's something I need to ask you...", and suddenly, he was on one knee, holding a ring I've wanted in 3 months, and looked at me with his gentle eyes, saying "Damien, would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?". couldn't help but squeal, and so I did, ahahaah. I yelled yes, and he put the ring on my finger. then we kissed, hugged, and I felt so much alive. SO I'M ENGAGED, MOFOS! (even though the ring is broken..)

cut my hair a while ago, and after that, I've been passing much more. it's fucking incredible, and I'm overjoyed. I have this rockabilly inspired hairstyle now, and I've gotten my bridge piercing again. but yeah.. I've been passing a lot more! when I've been out with my boyfriend, the cashiers have been all like "boys, boys! it's your turn now! boys, what do you want in your sandwich?"-like, and so on. it's fucking real, this is. and I get beyond happy everytime it happens, which is quite often by now.
I've also started on Tribulus! ARGH WOO! it's taking it slowly, the things I want, but I think that's the best. I'm starting to get sideburns/slight beard (not enough to shave off though, but fuzz that I haven't had before), and my hair is starting to grow darker on my arms. my voice has dropped JUUUUUUUST a bit, not much at all, but it's there! it's fucking splendid. I'm talking with my psychiatrist either this Tuesday, or the next, about whether or not he would support me if I started on testosterone. but he's a douchebag to the core, so I don't really know... I'm more than scared that he's going to say no. but if he says yes, I'll send try to get a refferal. WOOP! :'D

I've also gotten a new tattoo! it expands over both of my lower inner arms, saying "home could be anywhere" on one of them, and on the other, "when I am holding you". I fucking adore it. it wasn't even painful, and I'm in love with them. I'm getting tattooed again on Wednesday, GO ME! this time, it's at another shop, by a guest tattooist. I'm getting a small picture of Sputnik 1 tattooed on the outer side of my lower arm, and probably with a banner and some text. the price is really high, when thinking about it being a small tattoo, but the artist is really incredible, so I don't mind it. I fucking can't wait! you will definitely get to see it as soon as I get it done.

the second of August, my boyfriend and I went to out and experienced probably one of the most romantic things I've yet to indulge in. it was amazing. first, we had booked a superior room at Hotel Imperial, and it was just.. too luxorious to explain. we had brought along homemade chocolate-covered strawberries, a BUNCH of candles and Asti. we got a bottle of Cava with us, with the superior room. then we ate at a restaurant called Cassiopeia, just by the Planetarium in Copenhagen, with view over the lakes. the food was amazing. then we originally had to go see a film in the cinema, but we cancelled it. an hour later, we sat in our tub at the hotel, with candlelights all over, Asti and chocolate-covered strawberries and music. it was beyond.. everything, really. <3

then the day after, we went to our residency's hut in Tisvilde, him, Emma, Laura, Nanna and I. it was also really lovely, even though I got really scared and had to close my eyes in the evening all the time, because I was afraid of the dark. I'm such a pussy, but I'm really frightened by darkness. we also went to Sweden one of the days in Tisvilde!

I should actually go to bed, I'm starting at my new school tomorrow, and it's a quarter to 2 in the middle of the night. I'm starting up at the writer's line! <3 can't wait, I hope it's going to be awesome. while I'm really excited, I'm also really nervous. but it's going to be good. :]
Wednesday, new tattoo.
and then Saturday, I'm going to a burlesque show in Copenhagen, together with Emilia. before that, I'm meeting up with an old friend of mine I haven't seen in, what, two years. so I'm excited!

oh.. no pictures as promised. too lazy, and I need to go to bed. I'll promise I'll write more often from now on! I hope all of you guys take care of yourselves. <3

singing joyfully in the rain.

LOOK! LOOK! LOOOOOOOK! those babies, they are MINE!
seriously, I'm so hyped up right now. they've been my dream shoes since... well, I've been dreaming and loved them in a year and a half now, and now they're finally mine. everytime I've seen them in the Adidas store, I've wanted to cry of frustration and fear, by the thought of them getting sold out (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating right now, but it's close to, actually). but they are absolutely amazing, and so funky. I'm so happy these babies are finally mine. I went to the bank today, to get some of the money for my London trip, only to find out that I had a ridiculously big amount of money on my account. so the first thought was; "well, going to the Adidas store can't hurt, I can just look for cheap things...".. so I went. and they were there. AND. there was a sale, 30 % off of everything. they are a collab of Adidas and Jeremy Scott, and they are the first version, which glows in dark. SO AWESOME and so lame. I fucking love it. they're MINE!

srsly u guise... I'M GOING TO LONDON IN, LIKE, 2 DAYS NOW. holy fucking shit tithead, I cannot wait, it's crazy! fuck man. hahahah. I'm about to pull my hair out and gorge my eyeballs out with a spoon, that's how excited I am. really, I haven't looked forward to anything that much as I do now, for a long time. I'm sure it's going to be awesome.. the day after we have arrived, there's Pride 2011.. and I SERIOUSLY want to attend and be all gay and stuff! I'm planning on making a t-shirt or a hoodie, depending on the weather, that says "I think my gender is Peter Pan. I'm just a boy, and I don't want to grow up", because that's one of the quotes that matches me and my gender identity the best. because honestly, I feel that way. but more about that later.

the places we're gonna see are also pretty fabulous - the one I'm looking most forward to, though, is Pickadilly Circus. I'm ARGH, so excited! that place looks like something just for me. I also hope we have time enough to go see the last Banksy in London.. just in honour of Anna, haha. she inspires me to do things, just like all my friends. but seriously, Pickadilly Circus.. cannot wait. it's so bright and full of colours. I'm going to wear something completely neon that day, that's for sure!
and we're going to sing Fergie's "London Bridge", while standing on London Bridge, because that's just how we roll and we're lame like that. but at least we find it funny!
also going to Madame Tussauds. and of course... VIVIENNE WESTWOOD'S OFFICIAL STORE. gskjgk. I've planned on buying something cheap from there, and I also hope to go see an Adidas store, and see if they have something else from the Jeremy Scott collections.

so these days I'm just preparing for the trip.
and then, I'm just chillaxing and hanging out with my lovely boyfriend. <3 people who say that we are cute together... you are so wrong. we are absolutely disgusting together. it's pretty amazing. but he makes me feel like a boy, and he really encourages me to be myself. like yesterday, he ran upstairs in a hurry, just to tell me that there was going to be an FTM on a Danish television show. it was this 15-year-old boy, who was in transition already. I was so happy for him, but on the same time, I felt a sting of sadness in my chest, because I feel like I'm wasting my youth away. really. I want to transition. I want to transition. I want to transition.
words and actions hurt me, and I hope people will see that with time. I act like it's no big deal when people say "her" about me, but it really do hurt, because I can't deal with it anymore. I've been living as a boy for the past months, and I haven't been happier about myself. everyone I know except a few refers to me as "him", and those who don't, I haven't talked to them about it yet, how I feel about being called a "she"... I'm not lesbian, never will be, and nor a tomboy.
you see, I can't relate to it at all. I don't relate to my body, nor the "wrong" pronouns. at all. it all feels so very distant to me, and it feels like they're talking about a whole other person than me.
but my mum is very supportive, and I can't thank her enough for that. she calls me Damien now, and rarely uses my birth name, and if she does, she corrects herself immediately. my sister, too. she calls me her brother. I don't really know about my big brother.. I haven't talked with him in ages.
they're currently debating whether or not they should call me "Damien", or continue to call me my by birth name, here at my residency (the hired, the residents calls me Damien, and refers to me as "him"). I'm really hoping for Damien, because it really drags me down when I'm called by my birth name... a constant reminder that you're not getting anywhere, and that you were born someone you're not.

now I'm sitting here with a smoke, and some muffins. I actually tried to quit a few weeks ago, which actually went surprisingly well. but then I fucked up, and started again.. I regret it so bad. but I'm going to stop after the trip to London, I think, if I can pull myself together. I don't want to waste my money on something as stupid as cigarettes.

but I think I'll head off now, I'll try to write tomorrow, before leaving for London's lights. <3

and I just sing, doo doo doo. now we're in love.

so here's a picture of my boy and I, together. <3 if you're reading this - I LOVE YOU!
he has been with me, seen the worst sides of me, accepted me when I did not want to be touched at all because of social angst, when I've cried to The Land Before Time, when I've been angry, when I've been upset, and most of all; when I've felt full of love and laughed. he has supported me in everything, and listened to me and talked things through with me. he has seen me at my worst, when I dressed up as a girl one day, and broke down completely. he soothed me, and he even started crying when he saw how fucked up I felt. he tugs at my heart in a manner I cannot describe.. but it feels good, and I simply adore him. I feel high on love, because of him. I wouldn't have gotten out of this, if it weren't for him. he lifts up my everyday, and I can't thank him enough for that. of course, some part of me is also kicking me out of the feathers, but he has certainly helped. Jonas, I do love you, and I'm sorry I've been such a drag lately. <3 forgive, pl0xy, pl0x? elskemis.

so I'm sitting at my mum's place at 4 AM, and I'm in such a great mood, that I can't sleep. I don't know if it's good or bad. but I feel happy!
tomorrow, I'm going swimming, and that, I'm looking forward to. I didn't exercise today, because I didn't have time for it. so it'll be nice to burn off some energy... I can't wait to bulk up and see muscles underneath my skin. it's going to be awesome. especially my shoulders, arms and stomach, I'm looking forward to. when I'm going to bed, I'm going to do some extra crunches. that'd be good.

and then, before going swimming, I'm going to ask my sister if she can help me with a photoshoot. I'm going to be a robot, haha. :'D I hope it's gonna be nice. I'm not really skilled with makeup anymore, so she's probably gonna do it for me. it's just some sort of face-paint, where I'm going to look mechanical and jazz like that. :] OSSUM!

I'm happy.

I made an entry on my old blog on Livejournal, and it was nice to write with people I haven't written with in a year. I wrote about my coming out-stuff, and how life is nowadays. it was pleasant. :]

so I don't remember if I wrote about it earlier, but I'm currently thinking about saving up some monies for a natural testosteron booster called Tribulus, before I start on T. just to make all sure that this is what I want, though I'm completely sure that it's what I want and where my life is headed at. I don't feel comfortable in my body, and I can't relate to it at all - I feel awkward when looking at it, knowing that this is reality. I don't feel like it's mine when I look at it, that it should have been a male body that I should see. I simply don't get it.
I feel like a boy in my head, and have done that for years. it just took me a while to figure that out. it wasn't always I did that, but I identified instead as something inbetween genders - which I still do, occasionally, but I indentify as a male at the same time.

but well well, I'm heading off to bed now - I hope you all are having a wonderful sleep. <3

no matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.

long time no see! I haven't written in here for realz in, what, 2 weeks, since shit has gone down for that amount of time. but I consider it over now. I've realized some things, what to do and what not to do. the thing was, that I couldn't cope with the fact that I'm transgendered and gradually with gaining weight, I was suddenly so conscious about my figure. I've lost a few kgs during the 2 weeks I haven't written, but in a really unhealthy way - I was starving myself, and self-induced vomiting was also something I did daily. exercised waaay to much, and ate too little. and when I did eat, I purged.
but today, I woke up, and thought; "this can't be real. I won't get an eating disorder again. I will fight to get out of it", and looked up frightening stories, and worst-case-scenarios. and that, I must say, really helped. I found this article with very graphic pictures, about a girl who suffered from both anorexia and bulimia. she had eaten 5 liters of food (!), and when she purged, her stomach split open, causing her to die. that story really stuck to me, and when I think about not eating and when I have eaten and I feel like making myself sick, I think about her and her story.
so now, I'm not going to listen to the voices inside my head, but do it as healthily as possible. it's going to be hard, not listening to the voices, but better do it now, than when I had been too gone inside my own little world.
so yeah, I'm happy I came to this conclusion! :'D I'm going to swim tomorrow, and the day after that, I'm going to run and exercise. and then repeat everyday. I'm not gonna watch that much over how I eat, but just let it come, and stop eating when I'm not hungry - and NOT purge!
the last 2 weeks have been hell, to say it mildly. all I could think about was "diets", food, exercise and how much I hated my body, because of its gender. but I'm going to fight it - in a good way now!
I'm so sorry I caused so many persons concerns. I love you all, and thanks for being there. <3

on softer notes;
I went to Tivoli with some folks from my residency yesterday! I had a super awesome time. we have free cards to Tivoli, so we are there pretty often, but it was nice anyways. my boyfriend, Jonas, left earlier though, and I missed him.
so Laura, Nanna, Camilla and two of the hired from our residency tried rollercoasters and the like. it was so much fun, and I had a lovely time!

today, I'm going to celebrate Sankt Hans together with my sister, whom I haven't been together alone with in ages. I'm looking forward to it like a maniac! it's awesomesauce. <3
I have some booze, and I plan on getting a bit drunk together with her.

oh, and I'm going to London in a week from now! I CANNOT WAIT!!! AAAAARRRRRGHHH~ it's together with Emilia, and I can't describe how excited I am. we're just going to take a motherfucking bunch of pictures, drink lattes, and see different awesome places. and... we're going to see Vivienne Westwood's official store!!! <3 <3 <3
as you probably can see, I AM EXCITED.

but I'll update tomorrow or the day after, because I got to go now. take care babies. <3

"the best little girl in the world."

just a quick entry, since someone (*cough*) is forcing me to upload the pictures... <3
so Emilia and I made a photoshoot today, as she skipped school. I was behind the camera, and she was the gorgeous model. I was inspired by the novel, "The Best Little Girl In The World", written by Steven Levenkron.

we can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures ever-so-slender. taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

ladies and gentlemen, I have an amazing boyfriend. <3 as of the 2nd of June, we decided to make it official. we've been dating and fooling around for a month or more, and it's been amazing, it really has. his name is Jonas, and he's 18 and lives at my residency. he has big, beatiful blue eyes, and a great heart. he listens to me whenever I feel happy, and when I'm down, he listens. he has supported me in all ways imaginable, and I've helped him out quite a few times, too. he's really wonderful, and it feels incredible to be able to call him "mine". <3 we've been visiting his mum and my mum some days ago, and it was pretty awesome. his mum is sweet, and calls me her "son in law", hahahah. Jonas has met my mum before, and he loves her, so there's no problems there. we also went to Tivoli and ate at Wagamama last Thursday, which was really cozy and nice. uhmmm. <3 I'm so lucky to have him, I really feel like that!

but there's some things on my mind, which is bugging me. alot, actually. the thing is, that food and weight has become a part of my life again, at least for this time. I constantly think about what I eat, and I have food I'm not allowed to eat (which is pretty much everything), and food I'm allowed to eat. I want to loose weight so bad, and I want control.. if I am skinny, I won't get "my monthly visitor", and I won't have any curves. maybe then, I can feel better about my body, and try to beat my genes.
I looked through some old pictures of myself, when I weighed around 47 kgs, and I miss it so much. I weigh around 10 kgs more than that... so I'm on this crazy diet, where I pretty much only eat 500 to 600 calories a day. I eat soup, celery, cucumber, strawberries, bananas (even though I think about cutting that off, too), and rye bread crackers with salmon (but only if there's ALOT of chili on)... and that's about it. it's sick, and I fear the thought of getting anorexia again. I walk constantly. I just want to control myself, and I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.

but yeah, that was me whining. I just thought I would let you guys know, since the blog is mostly for close friends and myself.

but my days are actually pretty fine, and I'm enjoying life. I just miss my best friend so bad.

and now, I think I'm off to bed. I don't have much on my mind, and I don't really feel like talking about my days, since I can't really remember anything.

and because this song is on replay all the fucking time right at the moment, because it's marvelous and describes my feelings well;

Pompeii - Numbers.

Came at you in silence, my back at the wall.
"i've seen those nights where you binge and purge"
Those locks on your doors tell me when you're crouched on all fours
counting tile, losing bile and sleep.
"it's just a diet, i've kept it quiet. Even if you told all my family and
friends they would never believe it."
I think you're right. I can't believe it too
that it's you, but it's you.

My problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave,
I weighed out every option, that scale's not fit for advice.
Medical language won't ever help to shape this if that mind is just as frail
as it's frame.
you know i'd leave it alone.

We can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures
ever-so-slender
taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

Besides, my problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave
and heaving's kind of hard with your hands tied round your waist.
point out the obvious, tell me just how dangerous
then bundle every fight in an "isn't right" and leave it alone.

you're holding up my world, so I need you.

some days ago, I read some of my former blog entries, and I realized how happy and blissful my days are. of course, there's troubles and worries too, but nothing like my past and when I was at my sickest point in my life. I've survived so much, and it's paying off right at the moment, with good days and joy. I really realized how amazing and lovely my life is, and how great it is to be alive. I'm starting up at a school for writers this summer, and I really can't wait. it's going to be so good, and all I want is just to start up right now. it's mostly interviews and stuff like that, for the school magazine in Denmark. but we will also be working on poems, manuscripts, short stories, and prosa. I really can't wait! it's going to be amazing, to do something I want to everyday, and even getting paid for it. you get like.. 3-4000 a month, just for being there, and doing what you like to do. I'm so hyped up right now! I really hope I can get a spot there, I would absolutely love that. and some of my friends go at that school too, just on other lines of creativity. for example, my great friend Emma will be going there next year again (she went last school year too), just on the music line. Emilia, too, have gone there. she was on the photo line, and one of the former residents at my residency has gone to the writer's line, too. argh, I really can't wait!! I will probably be there for half a year, and when it's around Christmas, I'll try to get a spot at Grib Chancen, so I can finish my education. it's lovely, and I really do feel like I can manage it. last year, I couldn't and dropped out. this time, I'm almost sure it will be different.
so I'm happy.

I have an amazing, heart-tugging best friend, and she's incredible. and so beautiful. she supports me in everything, and is completely honest in everything she vents with me. I wanted to see her today, but I think she didn't ask her parents.. I want to see her this weekend, since I miss her so much. she's really incredible and fun. we always do crazy and chillax and fat stuff when we're together. crazy, like being extremely uncharming and fooling around with weird stuff, like making a homemade lava-lamp out of sugar, soy sauce and other stuff you shouldn't mix together. chillax, like gaming video games, and spending our summer playing frisbee at the park while drinking. fat, like eating everything that is possible to eat, HAHAHA.
come visit me, darling.. <3

and I have amazing friends, who supports me in being transsexual, my past, my thoughts and my good and bad days. thanks to all of you, I've become so much more happy than I have ever been, and I can't thank you all enough for that. you make life worth living.

yesterday, I went out with Jonas, to meet his mother for the first time. oh, yeah, Jonas is my love at the moment.. surprised? most aren't. hahaha.
anyway, we went to his mum's place, which took us like an hour to get there on the way there, and only took us 20 minutes on the way home. FAIL! I was really nervous, I always am, when I meet my crushes/lover's parents. I don't know why. maybe it's because I want to make a great impression as possible, because if they can't accept me, why should my love then? and I know how much Jonas' mum means to him, he loves her with all of his heart. so we bought some beautiful orchids on the way, and met up with her and drank a beer/somersby, before we headed home to her place. it's a really nice little apartment she's got, in my opinion. oh, and I found the cutest picture ever! <3 it's a picture of Jonas when he was around 15 years old, and he looks so adorable and way too cute. I got all happy when I found that picture, and now it's the background on my cellphone. you gotta see it;

ISN'T HE ADORABLE!? hahahhahaha. he was so pop, it seems. but so cute. I just wanna pinch his cheeks and nawww. <3
we drank some red wine at his mum's place, before eating, and sat there, talking. or, it was mostly them talking, since it was about his past, and what he had done and not done. it was a rather sad conversation, actually, but I knew it all because we've talked about it several times, for hours, I think. he has been through some rough shit, and I'm so proud of him that he's totally done with it all. I am really proud of him. <3
we ate spareribs (which were like, really delicious) and baked potatoes and more red wine. it was nice, even though I got a bit drunk. we left after dinner, bought some more wine, and headed home to our residency, hand in hand. when we got home, we talked about some things I have to settle with him, if we were to get in a relationship, which we absolutely will. and he was so understanding, kind and sweet. he totally gets me, which I appreciate from the bottom of my heart. it was amazing. I'm still in awe over how gentle and incredible he is, and I will be so proud to someday call him mine. <3

today, I was woken up by him at 9:30 or so, because we had to help his mother moving some furniture. it was kind of a hard job. then when we got home, we laid in the grass in sunshine.
later, we're going to Tivoli, just to walk around for an hour or so, since we have this free card to it. after that, we're going out eating. we're going to eat at Wagamama, and I already know what I want from there; teriyaki salmon soba, NOM NOM NOM. <3

my heart is full of candies, bubbles and confetti, and I feel like I'm soon gonna explode with happiness. <3

you make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer. and I need you now somehow.

I've returned from Greece/Karpathos, and it was absolutely awesome. I miss it already! I didn't do that much, other than reading in the sun, drinking cocktails, eating delicious food, sleeping and sunbathing. that was pretty much my everyday. it was so nice! :] but there was rain and stormy weather two of the days, which I spent on reading and sleeping. I read Sputnik Sweetheart, by Haruki Murakami, and it's a very beautiful, deep book, in my opinion. it makes some good points, and there was a lot of great metaphors in it, too. and then, of course, there's a lot of thoughts and talks in the book, about Sputnik. and I absolutely adore Sputnik. <3 it meant a lot to me at a time, it still does. that you're miles up in the air, circling around the Earth, crying out to the world before your feet, as you burn up in space by yourself. it's hard to explain, but I really identified with Sputnik at a time. I still do sometimes, and it's one of the most beautiful things man has ever created, in my opinion.
but back to the vacation - it was so lovely. I ate swordfish one of the days, and it was so tastaaay! haha. and the cocktails were amazing. I ended up drunk after only 2 drinks one of the days, because they were so strong. it was rather embarassing.
and the view from the balcony was incredible. I can't even describe it. it was stunning.. <3
bought some presents/souvenirs to Laura, Jonas, Cecil and Emilia, and they seemed to like them. they were incredibly cheesy, those presents, hahahah. but yeah.

I also realized something during the vacation, that I indeed am in love with him, that utterly sweet guy I know. he's so kind, and I get this lovely feeling bubbling up inside, when I think of him. he picked me up at the airport, and just seeing his face was enough to overwhelm me with euphoria as I slung my arms around his neck and kissed him gently. just... ARGH! hahahahah. <3 I am full of happiness and bubbly hearts and confetti at the moment.
I woke up in his arms the day after I returned home, and I realized how incredible and blissful it all felt.

when I got home from Greece, I hung out with Emma, Jonas, Askur and Loop. it was so lovely to see them all again, and I've really missed all their weird comments and thoughts. we (minus Emma) went out and smoked some pot, the four of us, and I got really high. it was fun, even though it was raining. I know it's stupid of me to smoke all that jazz, but the last many times I've done it, I haven't badtripped or felt down the day after. at least I'm only doing it once in a while, and not everyday. :]
got home, talked and had fun with the others, and snuggled up.

then yesterday, Emilia came over! ARGH, SO NICE TO SEE HER AGAIN. <3 we just chilled and ate McD food and being uncharming as always, when I got this impulse; angelbites. which my sister would be giving me as a present... which I have wanted in half a year now.. SO OFF WE WENT TO THE PIERCEEEERRRRR. it wasn't the piercer I normally go to when I get pierced, because his shop wasn't open, and it was more expensive. so I went to the piercer who made my old bridge. he fucked up, and I got pierced 3 times instead of 2, so I have a small hole under one of the piercings. and then he put in the wrong jewelry to start with. I wasn't that pleased...
but I'm happy about the result! I removed the three I had under my lip, so it wasn't too intense. but today, when I woke up, my upper lip was completely swollen and ew. ): I looked, and still do, like someone who's gotten botox or sumthin. can't wait for my lip to swollen down again, haha.

and today, I went home to my mum's place, together with Laura. she wanted some of my old clothes from when I was girly. instead, we ended up nomming like maniacs, eating both cashew nuts, chips and Ben&Jerry's. but it was nice, haha! oh, and we watched The L Word season 4. I had a really great time together with her, and I've missed her so much. <3

but I gotta go now, that cute boy is in my room now, and I want to spend time with him. have a great time everyone. <3

I know, you know, you knew, you never could.

yo all! wassup? are you all enjoying yourself? 'cause I sure am. life is weird and wonderful, in a strange way. a lot of things has gone up and down since the last time I wrote, which is a pretty long time ago actually. I've turned 18, so legally, I'm an adult now. it's weird, and I can't really get the thought smashed into my head yet. I still see myself as a kid, probably always will do. I don't believe that I'll ever grow up, I'll end up like Peter Pan instead, just by heart. he's my rolemodel, actually. I was told by my aunt or something like that, that I had always reminded her of him, and I got so happy. it was around my mum's birthday, I think I've mentioned that on my blog in an earlier entry. I'm happy.

so yeah, I turned 18! woo. I had an awesome day. I spent my last evening as 17 in my mum's kitchen, together with Jonas, reminiscing good times and bad times from my life. went for a walk with him, and we ended up at the same hospital I was at 2 years ago. it brought a lot of memories along, just being there. but I'm glad he was with me, even though he really hates hospitals, especially "loonybins". it meant a lot to me.

then came Tuesday, my birthday. got woken up by my mum and my sister singing "happy birthday" to me, including a rather disturbing "remix" of the song. hahahha. ate homebaked buns and drank hot chocolat and had fun with my family and Jonas. I could already sense that the day was going to be awesome.
then in the afternoon I went home to my residency together with Jonas. went to the piercer with Nanna, but he wasn't on work, so we couldn't get our tongue piercings shortened. oh yeah, I got a tongue piercing 2 weeks ago, and it's absolutely awesome to have it back. :'D I love it.

then Emilia, my good friend, came over, and gave me some really amazing presents. apparently, she remembered what my favorite perfume is, even though I've only mentioned it to her once or so. so she gave me that, 2 packs of Blue Kings cigarettes, 200 DKK and and and.... 2 DVDS OF "LAND BEFORE TIME"!!!! I was so touched and happy, and I couldn't stop smiling. she's really a great friend, she is. I love her. from Jonas, I got a really sweet letter, and in the upcoming month, I'll get "my real present". can't wait. my mum is giving me a tattoo, and my sister is paying for my angelbites, which I'm getting when I come home from vacation. my brother gave me 800 DKK, and Askur, 2 packs of Blue Kings.<3

then we ate tortillas at my residency and made layercake with strawberry and banana, nom nom nom nom. <3 it was OSSUM. so good, I tell you, so good!
and then we headed off to Tivoli, 3 of my friends and I. I'm keeping them anonymous this time, because there's some private stuff about them I need to tell after this, because it's something that's bugging me. but we had a really great time, ate candyfloss and rode rollercoasters and laughed a hella lot. I couldn't figure out how I could get a better 18th birthday, tbh, besides that Cecil would be there with me, too. <3 I miss her so much.

the thing is... I've written about this crush I have, right? well, it's not quite over. and going to Tivoli only made me realize that it was more than a crush at that time.. it's getting better now, it's slowly starting to go away. but the thing is, that one of the guys I live with, has gotten feelings for her, and she's got feelings for him too. so whenever she held her arm, tried rollercoasters together or something, I felt so fucking frustrated, because I saw her as my girlfriend. it's kind of ridiculous.
but I've come to terms with the fact that I cannot get her, and I'm getting over her.

and also; the thing that made me slowly start to get over her, was a conversation with a good friend of mine. he confessed his feelings to me, and we talked it over. I've also felt like I eventually could get feelings for him, same as he says he's confused about right at the moment. love is a big blur for me at the moment, to be completely honest. because I miss him when I'm not with him, and we kiss, hold hands and fool around everyday, acting exactly like lovers do. it's really weird, but it feels right. it really does. but we are both not sure about our feelings, because it's not like a new summer love. we've known each other for a while now, half a year I think. we've loved each other in a few months, too, but just as friends to start with.
frankly, I really don't know what to do. as I wrote before, love is a big blur for me, and I'm so confused. is it possible to have a crush on two persons at the same time?

I'm leaving Denmark on Sunday, and I will be back in a week or so. I can't wait. going to Greece, hellz yeah baby! I'm gonna get so fat and tanned, hahaha. it's lovely.

I hope you all will enjoy your days. <3

"it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me instead of me trying to adapt to my body".

I don't really have that much to say about my days this time, but I have a lot on my mind. I know some will be annoyed and shit, but I need to get things off my chest, since this is MY blog - I'm not writing it to please anyone else.
I'm soon 18, in 15 days, to be more specific. I've had a hard time figuring out who I am, and I've been through a lot of phases with my appearance and self-perception. when I was around 12 or so, I started to think; "why can't I be the male model in the magazine?" and cried by my self when I went to bed and I was alone. I was scared of growing up. now, I've realized something. I'm still scared of growing up, with all the responsibility you get. but I realized it was not that I was afraid of. I was scared of becoming a woman, with a curvy body and the way I was going to be "decided by others how to live my life". like, for an instant, I was the one who were to get pregnant, if I ever wanted kids of my own. I've been extremely terrified of pregancy and delivering a child as long as I can remember, because it just wasn't fit for me. I remember my mum once read a book aloud when I was around 5 years old, and I started weeping like a maniac, because I was so afraid and disgusted. it's weird I still can recall it. but it stuck to me.
when I was around 14, I started dressing in a Japanese style, visual kei. I put pictures up on a site called DeviantArt, pictures of myself. and I remember people started questioning my gender. and you know what? I felt so happy. I can't describe it. at first, I told people I was a girl, because that's what my body told me. then, when more people began to question it, I changed my gender on my profile from "girl" to "unknown". when people asked, I answered "I'll leave that to you to decide". I was like.. 14 back then. and I kept doing that.
I felt dysphoria about my body, but because I was underweight, I felt more like a boy. I had no real curves at all. but then I gained weight, during my hospitalization and treatment for depression and atypical schizophrenia. I was used to being skinny, because I've been that my entire life, and suddenly I couldn't control my own body.
I started dressing really girly. on a normal day, I would wear foundation, concealer, lots of mascara and eyeliner. wore over-the-top girly dresses. acted really girly, too. some times a week, I would also wear fake lashes. when I was back with my second ex-boyfriend, I started dressing in a Japanese style (again), this time "gyaru/gal". really girly style. some days, though, I would dress in onii kei, also known as "big brother style". that phase took a while, dressing up everyday. then I got my third ex-boyfriend, where I still dressed really girly, but now in my own style. but I started to feel like it was not me. we talked about it, and I came to the conclusion that I was genderqueer. I identified as that for a while. but then I felt like it just wasn't right.
I started getting more and more masculine. I felt more comfortable and like I had found myself. it felt right. I started feeling better about myself, and gained more of confidence. not a lot, though, but I gained what I could get, when you're sensitive.
back in the summer, I was really psychotic. that was also the time I was really girly. I think it came from surpressing myself. or maybe all the weed I smoked. but it's pretty much gone by now, probably because of the medicin I intake. maybe because I've come to terms with who I am, I don't know, to be honest, and I don't really care. it's over!
I've owned a binder for a year now, and I used it once in a while when I wanted to look like a boy. now, because I've worn it too much over the past few 6 months circa, it's stretched out and doesn't really work. so I'm currently using gaze, which makes me totally flat.
I don't feel like a girl. not a tomboy, because I'm not. I've had two transsexual boyfriends, and I could relate to them and understand them. I thought I was genderqueer for a while, but it turned out that I wasn't. pretty much everyone at my residency knows about my self-perception now, and they all see me as a dude, one of their bros, as they say, haha. they treat me like I want to be treated, and it feels right. they see right through me.
I've finally realized who I am, and who I will become. not a woman, but a man. and it sure took me 18 years to figure that out, even though I've felt like a boy since I was twelve. I've realized that I was so over-the-top back when I was girly, that I dressed up and tried to prove people I was someone I wasn't. I was always "me", I was just surpressing myself, though. and I finally feel like I'm myself, and at peace with that. I was dressing in drag, with lipstick and poofy skirts and extensions.
I might not be the most masculine person in the whole world, but it's not what's typical of a boy to like, but what's inside your heart and head, I've realized.
I had an anxiety attack yesterday, because some boys at a male shop couldn't figure my gender out, and was all like "is that a girl? no, look at her legs. it's a girl." I felt so fucking frustrated, like I can't fool anyone, make anyone see the real me. dressed up in women's clothing a week ago, because I was thinking stuff like "I will never become a real boy". in the end, I just got more down than I've been in.. a really long time, and psychotic, because I surpressed myself. I'm not a girl.

so in short version pl0x - yes, I'm coming out as a transsexual boy, an FTM. and it sure is hard for me to write this entry, you have no idea. I'm afraid people won't believe me, because I've been so girly in my appearence. but I am who I am mentally, and it just took me a while to figure it all out.

and what am I gonna do about the future? I turn 18 on May 17th, and I'm leaving Denmark for a week on the 22nd, will be back around May 29th. but when I get back, I'm going to talk to my doctor, about getting a refferal to a specialist, because I can't get through to the Sexoligical Clinic because I have a diagnosis. it's okay, though. I've heard that sexological clinic is a stuck-up little bitch, with a stick in their ass. so I'm more comfortable with the specialist.
but I'm trying to get a yes on starting on hormones, as soon as possible. I don't want to waste my life on being someone I'm not. I really, really hope for a yes.
I have an inheritance from my father, and I think I will spend them on an apartment and my transition. he probably wouldn't be proud of me, but I think he would like that I would become "the real me".

it would be lovely to someday be able to say; "it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me, instead of me trying to adapt to my body", as Skylarkeleven once said in his early transition.

I feel her smooth skin slightly brush against the backside of my arm.

I think I've started to get a crush. idk yet. I felt it when I was with the person the last time, but she's really amazing and outstanding. and she's gorgeous and I get this amazing feeling in my belly when I think of her. it's really stupid, though. and confusing. 'cause I don't want to mess up things, you know? and the worst part is... we would be so fucking amazing together. and... I would be so good to her. I'd drop anything to be with her. but I'm so afraid of fucking things up..

andddd....these days are wonderful and I have a lot to tell! I don't even know where to begin, haha.
I'm enjoying the weather to the fullest, it's almost summerlike by now, with hot temperatures and lots of sunshine and not a single cloud on the sky. I'm enjoying it with all of my friends, and I'm to be honest, having a blast.

last Wednesday, Emilia and I threw a party at my mum's apartment, and I would pretty much say it succeeded. I had such an awesome time. it was a birthday/moustache party, which meant everyone was entitled to having a moustache. it was fricking awesome. it was a rather small party, I think we were about 15 persons, but we both didn't want the party to be big, Emilia and I. bought a lot of booze, and made moustache cake and pineapple pieces shaped like moustaches. hahahahaha. it was pretty nice. then the guests arrived, and they all looked fabulous. jonas, omg. he looked exactly like freddie mercury. lawlz0r. then we got our booze on, and danced and talked all night. listened to a lot of random crap, like Benny Lava, Omnomnom song, smurf's hits, and a hella lot of great music too. then the guests left, and Jonas, Askur and I partied on. then askur fell asleep, and Jonas and I kept drinking until morning. when the sun started to rise, we went for an hour and a half long walk, where we just talked and had a good time. lol'd over random things. got back, and took our pants off, hahahahahah. don't even ask..

then a few days ago, Laura, Jonas, Askur, David and I went to Søndermarken (where, lately, I've been spending all my evenings) while wearing nightwear. Askur wore my kigurumi, hahahahahah. he got so many creepy stares! but we had much fun. drank some booze and got wasted, like I did pretty much everyday during last week. went home and played singstar.

the day before yesterday, I hung out with my lovely friend Emilia, she's so fucking incredible and I have a blast whenever I'm with her. love her to pieces. we pretty much just chilled and had a great time in the sun, laughing at random things and being silly. went for looooong walks in the park, and went to her place, to get some monies so we could eat - oh yeah, dats right - SUSHI! hahahah. it's so good. but I had an amazing day, she's amazing and I will do anything for her when she's down. she's so cute. I LOVE YOU!

then yesterday, I went to Tivoli with Laura and Jonas, and ate ice cream/churros. then this really (no offense, but yeah) ugly toddler ran by us, and we laughed for like... 5 minutes. I had a lovely night. <3

today, I went to Strøget with Jonas and shopped. got some new shoes, socks, a computer bag, a pair of 3/4 shorts, and a tanktop. spent 4 hours there. oh, and the bag is Adidas! like omg. hahaha. fucking love adidas.
got home, and played frisbee and football in the garden and wrestled. <3

all the other days spent during the easter vacation has been spent on drinking with my friends. been to the kings garden a few times, and of course, like.. pretty much everyday; Søndermarken. I don't really remember anything else..

my legs are dangling off the edge, a stomach full of pills didn't work again, I'll put a bullet in my head, and I'm gone.

I've removed my cheek piercings... sadly. I fucking hate it. and I have these really ugly-ass scars now, because I should have taken them out a long time ago, when they started fucking up.. which they to do started a few months ago. but it was for the better, that I took them out. they had started to move down my cheeks, so I had started to get red marks from them. and they hurt and was swollen. so it was probably for the better.
but I feel like some part of me is missing, because I've removed them. it sucks ('cuz they play some of my favorite songs, like, stab my heart because I love you, and rip apart my soul, and of course; STABBY RIP STAB STAB. hahahhhaha).
instead, I'm thinking about angelbites. but it's just that.. everybody around me say it won't look good on me. but I want them so fucking bad. I can always take them out, if they don't look good. they're one of my favorite piercings, together with butterfly piercings, and septum.

today, I woke up, and felt really bad, physically. I've been sick since Sunday. but my contact person forced me to get up, and go to my japanese lessons, even though I was really sick.. so on the way, I got really down and stressed, and felt so sick. so we decided it was for the better, that I got home. danx gawd.

then I've pretty much just hung out with Askur, Jonas and Frederik. looked at some semi-porn magazines, and smoked some fags. oh, and I gave Askur a boner, because I licked his finger. it was pretty lawlz-worthy.

I've been thinking a lot lately.. spent my nights doing so. I want to get tattooed soon, most likely on my birthday. I want to get "bird little bird" written on my right arm, together with a little black bird, and then "you have no freedom" on the left arm, and a little feather. I've been thinking about this tattoo for a while. and right at the moment, I can't get it out of my head. also, because I can relate to it in a lot of different ways.
I'll never be able to accept myself, my gender, and my past. I'm bound to it, and I can't run away from it. so yeah...

lately, all I'm listening to is Hollywood Undead's song, "Bullet". it's pretty genius. it's a pretty happy-sounding song, but the lyrics are so.. emo. hahahah. but it's really brilliant, it is.

so if I survive, well then I'll see you tomorrow, yeah I'll see you tomorrow.

det brænder under huden, hvem kysser dig nu?

so these days have been awesome, really. but I've sprained my toe, because I've been drunk and wrestled with loop.. but I'll tell you more about that later, in this entry.

last Friday, I went drinking with Emma and Andreas, her boyfriend. it was so nice! we went to Floss, this underground bar. drank 3-4 shots each, and a lot of beers and sommersby. then we went to Cozy, a gay bar, even though they both claim to be straight. Emma puked on Floss, and we left after that, pretty much. but they're both so nice! I had a really great time. and the drink at Cozy's was pretty badass, with the alcohol procent, so... yeah. ended up pretty drunk. hahaha. it was niiiiice.
then Saturday, I picked up Yasmin at the central station, and chilled with her at my residency together with my roommates. sorry if I mispell anything, I'm still drunk.. I'll explain that later.
but went to CC/Club Cristopher this Saturday, together with Michelle, Yasmin, Jonas, Nanna and Yasmin's two friends. it was nice in the start, and we drank some drinks and just talked and stuff. Nanna and I had a deal to freak out people with telling them telling them that we had fucked (which we hadn't), but we didn't get to say it to them, because of some drama that came up..
you see. I kissed a girl in the club, and one of my friends freaked completely out, because she was jealous. she even started crying, which was really bad. and Jonas got alchohol poisoned, so we had to call an ambulance, since he was too wasted for us to deal with. and on the same time, one of my friends couldn't sense her leg.. so I was freaking out, getting all stressed and shit. it was horrible, looking after 3 persons at a time. and that fucking ambulance wouldn't take jonas with them! apparently, they don't take alcohol poisoned people with them anymore. I got so fucking pissed. so we took a cab home, even though it took a while for it to get there, and I owe my residency a lot of money now,... sucks, man, sucks.
there was a lot of drama, including Jonas burning his hand on purpose with a cigarette, resulting in Nanna leaving. it was horrible. so much drama in one night.

wednesday, we celebrated little Thursday (ahahhahahahahaha) at Søndermarken, a park near our residency. we had beer, vodka, små blå, and whiskey, so we got pretty wasted. I wrestled with Loop/Frederik, and I sprained my toe by running directly into his knee.. it looks so gross by now, all blue, and ew. but it was a hella fun! we played "I have never...." and I had a lot of shit on Emma, so we laughed a lot. I just remember laying in the grass, being all whiny and "AAAAARGH MY TOES HURT!!one", hahahhaha. oh yeah, and I gave Jonas a massive erection at one point, AHAAHAHHAHAAAH.

and today, I went drinking again, together with Askur, Emma, Andreas, Jonas, Loop, and Nanna. it was fuuuuun. I'm still a bit drunk. but it's almost 6 AM, so I'm considering going to bed... we just sat there and talked for a few hours, while getting drunk.
then we got home, and I puked all over my floor, after they left me. it was so gross, but I've cleaned it all up. but I was really drunk.
then Jonas, that sweet boy, came down again, and we had some serious talk, about my gender identity, and how it is like to be me. it was nice. I feel like we get closer to each other each day.
we got on a lot of touchy subjects.. I'm surprised I didn't cry at all.

but Askur and him tugged me in, while listening to Britney Spears, so I couldn't be happier. <3 I fucking love life, from time to time.

how come I'm drunk all the time, recently?

right here at Denny's, drinking coffee and sharing a cigarette.

today, around 11 AM, Jonas and Nanna woke me up, because we were going shopping. they kept knocking on my door, and I kept replying, but they didn't hear that. so in the end, because I was tired, I just yelled "I'M FUCKING UP GODDAMNIT!". when I get woken up like that, I can get cranky, like a little child. it's pretty br00tal. but if Nanna's reading this, then; I'm sorry, okay? XD hahahah. but it was just because they kept knocking, and telling me to wake up, when I actually was awake. for some reason, that pissed me off. I fail at life...
but then they came into my room, and we smoke some fags and talked for a bit. Frederik joined us, too. it was a pretty nice way to wake up, being social and shit from the start, haha.
then Nanna and I got ready, and headed off. we went to my piercer, since I needed to get my ears stretched again. it's his last day in Gorlubb, so I had to make sure I got it done before he left for good. he's starting his own piercing studio in Hardcase Tattoo (and now, Piercing).
I originally wanted the blue tunnels they had, but they didn't have it in my new size.. so I chose some neon yellow, as you can see in the picture. Nanna thought it would look horrible, but when I got them in, she actually admitted that it looked kinda rad, haha. I'm in love with them, I think they're awesome. but hell, it hurt to get them stretched! I wanted to get them up to 10 mm this time, but it was safer to only get them up to 8mm. so yeah.. sadface, but they're still kinda cool. but when I got my lobes stretched, it hurt like hell. I spasmed all over when he did it, hahah. fail. and they hurt a lot afterwards. they are still kinda sore, actually..
and I had to get used to feeling air waving through my ears, hahahah!

then we met up with Jonas, and went shopping. Nanna bought a pair of Iron Fist shoes, and they're so rad and lovely! I fucking love them, they're amazing. I bought a t-shirt with space invaders on, and two donut necklaces, since my other one broke. Jonas bought some pants, and two lovely t-shirts. and he bought us waffles, nommm!

then we got home, ate dinner, and then Laura and I watched Boys Don't Cry. she started crying at one point and left the room, I was so worried, so I followed her. but she's okay now, it's just a very harsh movie to watch. Jonas joined us in the ending, and he got all bummed out.
then Jonas and I went to my room for some smokes, and just sat and had some deep talks. it was nice, got on a lot of different subjects. then Laura came down and joined us for 20 minutes, and then we parted, all of us.

I basically just wanted to update about my day, because it's been great, really.

left with a trace of all that was, and all that could have been.

so these days have been nice! I've laughed a lot, and I had such a great time.
Friday, I met up with a girl I've written with in Holbæk. it was fine and all, just walked around in the city for a few hours and sat on some playground and stuff.
then I went home to my residency, and was online and stuff, I don't really remember what I did to be honest, haha. oh yeah, emma came home from a bar, and crashed in my room, which was pretty nice. she slept on a matress beside me. they're btw back together again, her and Andreas. it's lovely and I'm happy for them. <3
then saturday, I was woken up by Emma at 10 AM, and then we went to Strøget, because she needed socks. and the weather was so nice! the sun was shining and all. and I was in a really great mood, so nothing could get better.
then we got home, and I took a shower and got ready. chilled for a while with Jonas. then I took off to Jamie's, to pick him up, since he had no moniez, and I wanted him to come with me and the others to Club Christopher. then we took the train home to my place, listening to Nevershoutnever and random drum'n'bass while we were on the train. it was niiiiice. <3
got to my residency, and then hung out with Jonas, Emma and Frederik. drank some vodka and cola, while we were at it, haha. then we all, Jonas, Jamie, Frederik, Emma and I, went to Vela, to warm up for a bit, but mostly because it beats sitting at home. so we drank some strawberry shots, and smoked some fags, but I think we only were there for like.. 20-30 minutes, before we left. oh, and I laughed a lot because.. the guard in front of Vela was all like; "ladies first", and by that he ment Jonas. HAHAHAAHAH. fucking owned, Jonas!
then we waited in line for a while in front of CC, and got in. but then Frederik and Emma got lost on the way in... D: but we found them! got us some drinks and a table, and sat and talked. danced some also. just had fun in general. and you know what? one of the guys I was together with, came out as bisexual. he even kissed a guy that night. it was fucking awesome. we're gonna go there together again next weekend!
then around 6 AM, we took off and got home. then we all sat in my room and talked, while being rather shitfaced, all of us. I think we went to sleep around 7 AM.
woke up at 2-3 AM, with Jamie by my side, and when I got up for a smoke, I puked, immediately. fucking hate hangovers. and then when I came back, I was stupid enough to think; "well, I've vomited now, so nothing can happen!".. until I took another drag of my cigarette. and then I puked again. followed Jamie to the central station an hour after.

and today and yesterday has been really great. yesterday, Jonas, Frederik, Emma and I watched Monster together, in emma's room. it was awesome, as usual.
and today, we've been playing singstars, Nanna, Jonas and I. and then we watched some of The L Word, because both Nanna and Laura adore Shane. hahah. it was awesome.
tomorrow, I'm going shopping with Nanna and Jonas, which I'm looking forward to.

I will always love you.

haven't really blogged for a while. I've wanted to, but been to busy with other stuff, mostly like hanging out with my roommates. it's been nice. slept in Emma's bed with her for 2 days, even though we're not allowed, such crimeriders we are. been drinking at my residence, which is also pretty crimerider-like. but Emma and Andreas, the two I've mentioned in an earlier entry, who was engaged, split up. Emma is a really good friend of mine, so I'm really sad on her behalf. but I'm pretty sure they're gonna end up together again.. they're just "meant to be". some people is.. they were kind of my light of love, like.. I believed, and still believe, that they will always love each other. (sadface, 'cause this hits close to home, at least to me.)

Thursday, when I came home from my mum's place, I just sat around and talked with emma in my room. decided to get something to drink, so we drank some of my Bacardi Lemon, and a beer for emma. but then she did this really gross thing... she puked. in. my. zink. IN MY ZINK. ARAKHFHJKFADj. I died. but I had a fun evening and cozy evening!
Friday, I picked up Laura at the central station, because she came home from Berlin. IT WAS SO NICE TO SEE HER AGAIN AFJDFH. I had such a boring week before that, because she's the person I hang out with the most. so it was amazing to see her again. then we came home, after Jonas had called me a dozens of times, only to find that him and Frederik was so incredibly shitfaced. so yeah, decided to get my crunk oonnnn, even though I didn't get drunk. but they were funny. I got to ash in Frederik's hair, and he was all like, "if you're gonna puke, you're welcome to puke on my chair! :'D :'D :'D", hahahahahhaha.
then Friday, I went to Club Christopher with Laura and David and our pink smokes. laura had bought us both a box of pink cigarettes each, I felt so faggy. had a nice time at CC, but got soooo drunk, as usual. apparently, I threw up 3 times during that night, but I only remember 2 times. that says something about my condition. and I dropped my McD burger. again, that says something about my condition. but I was pretty down that night, because.. yeah, it's lame, but I deleted all my incoming textmessages, including some from some time ago, where someone had written something nice to me. and it stung like shit. and people could apparently see it, that night. because people over all the time and held my head up, and told me that I looked down, and I should join them and get happy. oh, and some random really nasty dude kissed me. ): it was so gross, and I was in shock, so I just walked away.

this week hasn't really been special, nothing to say. Jonas asked me if I was transgender today.

and I'm confused.

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you