I was born a girl. but inside, I'm a young man. I want to rip off this skin, that seems to lie all the fucking time, and does nothing else than fuck me up completely. I just want to be who I am, be free of these genetic chains...
it was hard for me to write down the title of this blog entry, because I really don't want to admit that I am - bio-fucking-logical - a girl. I feel so fucking weird and awkward about it, and I can't.. well, believe that this is what my genes says I am. because inside, it's completely different. I relate to nothing of the female body. I feel like something's missing, and there's something extra on my body, and it's not mine. well, for now it is, but I hope that'll change within some years, minus the phalloplasty, because it's simply not good enough yet, in my opinion. but at the same time, I have planned on not getting any tattoos on my left forearm besides the one I have now, because.. you know, just in case, right?
when I look at myself in the mirror, undressed and naked, I feel like I'm looking at a whole another person. everything seems so fucking awkward and downright weird and does not make any sense.
this is extremely hard for me to write this entry right now. the title... it's from a Kashmir song. but it's so fucking hard to get down on paper, and even on this blog, because I just want to be seen as a guy, simple as that.. and I really doubt a lot, that people actually see me as who I am, but just say it so I can be pleased or whatever. I doubt that a lot. I just wish I could be who I am, not fight for just becoming something close to what I am - but actually be me. it's easy to give up on this journal, but I will fight my ass off. but there are just so many thoughts, and it overwhelms me.
lately, I haven't been passing as male very well, besides today, when some kids yelled "see, 2 faggots!" after me and my fiancé, because we were holding hands on the street. kind of funny, though.
and as I mentioned in the entry earlier today, I'm scared of coming out to the rest of my classmates. but I'm going to do it on Monday. but really, I need support, and no matter what response I get from them, I'll be worn out, because it's hard. so please, just someone.. please support me. I really need it, no matter the response.
I feel kind of weak.
I admire your strength, and I have a lot of respect for you and what you have to put up with from others and even yourself. I'm glad you and your fiancé are happy together and that's all that matters. I wish you well and that you'll be able to find all the strength and courage you need to make it through and more. ♥♥
SvarSletbe proud of how far you've come. you're a boy, and I don't see you as anything else anymore. I must admit; to me, you're the same lovely person I've always been best friends with, but that's just your personality. you're not the same gender as you were anymore. I support you in every way possibly, and I really, really hope that you know that!! <3 if there is anything, that I can help you with, or just anything that would make you feel better about, please tell me, cause you know I wanna help you. I love you. <3 tell them. if they can't accept who you are, then they're not your friendship worthy. that's my oppinion.
SvarSlet