stand tall, stand proud.

so I finally got my ass up and applied for the name change!! WOOH! fuck yeah. so now, if everything goes as it should, I should officially be named Billie Damien (+ last name) within the next two weeks. I'm so fucking excited. I've distanced myself way too long ago from my birth name, but finally, I did something to change it... so wish me luck that everything's going to be fine, and I'll get it accepted! did some other practical things today, too, and ordered a new phone. it's a HTC Wildfire S I ordered, and even though I have this strong hate towards smartphones (I'm like an old man, for cereal), I'm actually pretty excited about recieving it. it's more like... I can't wait to actually be able to do something as simple as just CALLING people now, and texting, just like every other young adult/teenager. I've gone around without a phone for about.. 2 or 3 months now, so it's about time. I will recieve it latest on Tuesday. WOO!

I got this really, really annoying and weird urge... to, yes, dye my hair purple. have had it for a few weeks. and now, I'm really considering it, even though I know pretty much everyone I know will be like "DONCHUDOIT", haha. it's weird.. I once really hated the color purple, but now, I really adore it. I find it pretty.
also cut my bangs shorter, and I don't really know if I like it. it's pretty much just shorter, like, really short on the left side, and then gets longer on the right side. not sure if like.
I really need to stand tall right at the moment, because my self-esteem is way low, and I know why it is. anywayz0r,.. that means that I'm scared of what people will think of me, if I dye it purple. but I realized something; I need to be myself, as I finally figured out who I am. and be proud..

I didn't go to school today, because I felt horrible.
as I mentioned, my self-esteem is lower than.. well, imaginable. and a single comment made me go down yesterday evening. I kept thinking... "it's not worth it", you know, fighting for myself. so today, after a consulation with a doctor, who also didn't get why I'm transgender, I was like; "fuck this shit", put on a dress, makeup, and became someone I'm not. and it was weird... it was like my personality had slipped away, like drops of water. and I felt absolutely nothing. nothing at fucking all.
went to my mum's to talk things out with her, and had an amazing talk. she made me realize that I should be who I am inside, despite what people think about me. she really helped me out today. that I should be proud of who I am, stand tall.
I guess I also became someone else, because I'm under pressure of thinking about what people at my school think about me, and because I have to come out to them.... which I haven't done yet, because I haven't been to school. but tomorrow, I'm going, and I'm gonna start the fucking day with getting things off my chest. I think. lol. because I shouldn't think about what others think of me, but be proud of how far I've come.
I'm mostly coming out to them, because I'm going to try and get a refferal, so I can start on T soon. that's what keeps me going, right at the moment.

btw.. I'm so sorry, I keep writing about these transgender-thoughts I have. it's not so interesting, and rather depressing from time to time, but it's what fills my mind, and I'm finally able to talk about it.