I'm Peter Pan, and I don't wanna grow up, so it's a good thing I have a plan; rescue all the pretty girls, escape from crocodiles.

I went to Cecil's 18th birthday this weekend. it was so cozy! I love her, and her family. we had some wine and champagne and really lovely food, when her family came over. she got such grown-up prezzies! like towels and such.
we got drunk on her birthday, and later that night, we watched Rugrats. fun times, fun times. :D
we also watched Titanic. I'm such a pussy, I even got teary-eyed during the ending of the movie.
in total, I just had a blast, and I had a lovely weekend. I love you baby. <3

Monday, I went to drive gokart with my residence. I failed so much at it. I was close to crying, because I got frustrated about my gender because of it, because I felt like I failed at being both a boy and being a girl. which is true. I fail at being boyish, and I also fail at being girlish, because I'm so.. idk. boyish? and yet not enough to be a boy, because I also suck at that. it just frustrated me, but my dear Jamie calmed me down, and wrote some sweet textmessages to me, that I shouldn't try to put myself into a box of genders. fuck the gender binary, I'm just peter pan, I can be whatever I want to!

today, I went to Ikea, and bought even more candles, and more wallstickers. I bought some really nice candles, that smells like vanilla. I lit one of them an hour ago, and it smells amazing in here. you can smell the smoke from the fags... which reminds me. I decided to quit smoking AFTER new year, because I know I'll end up smoking that night. so, 2011 will be smoke-free!

I'm having butterflies and chest cramps right now, and I'm not even texting him. I'm just happy right now. he's such a good guy, and I love him to pieces.. he makes my heart pound, my stomach fluttering and my chest cramping, maybe I'm sick? hahah. no, not really. he wrote a blog about me yesterday, and I got so happy! I'm just... argh. :'D he's so lovely and delicate, and I just want it to be his birthday NOW, so I have an excuse to see him and give him my crappy prezzies.

I've downloaded some music today, Amy Can Flyy. it's so cute and gay. they even have a song about peter pan! I actually dreamt about peter pan this night...
I dreamt that I was peter pan, and that Sleeping Beauty was my girlfriend. I had to rescue her from her evil parents, but she ended up dying. what's odd, was that I got a massive boner in my dream, because she kissed me and whispered sweet things in my ears. srsly, it was huge, and so hard, haahahahh! when I have sex dreams, I almost always dream that I have a dick. isn't that kind of odd?

I'm Peter Pan, and I don't wanna grow up
So it's a good thing that I have a plan
I'm gonna rescue all the pretty girls
Escape from crocodiles and battle a pirate with a hook for a hand
I am going to do everything I always wanted
I have nothing to prove so you don't have to understand it

suffocation, no breathing.

everything just seem out of order right now. I'm dysphoric about everything in my life.

yes, it's one of those blogs again. I feel like shit, and I do that all the time. I wish people would take me seriously, but on the other hand, I don't tell about my problems to everyone. it's only a few who knows I'm wondering about suicide again, because honestly, I'm too afraid they'll A) stop me from doing it, and B) just think it's a cry for help. it's not. I really want to..

my days? I spend them on being alone in my room, hurting myself mentally. when I'm with others, I feel like I put on a mask of joy, and act like a goofball like I always do. I don't know, man. I don't even know if I feel like that. I'm just tired of having to figure all this shit out.

I want to die. I sound so pathetic, I know.

I just feel like I'm loosing it all, like I'm becoming someone I hate. can't go into details why, because some people might get pissed, and some is too personal... I'm tired of dealing with these gender-issues. I don't know what I am, and I can't figure it out. first of all, I'm a teenager, so ofc I'm confused, but having a disorder that automatically makes you even more confused (that's what my type of schizophrenia does), really sucks. I don't even know anymore. I feel like I'm falling apart in the seams. litterally. I'm not sure about anything atm. I just want it all to go away, and find peace. and right now, it all just don't seem worth it. I'm keeping myself going right at the moment, because I don't want to die before my best friend turns 18, because I know she wouldn't be able to take it.. not before her birthday. but I don't know what to do after...
I honestly just want to die.

these white pills aren't kind.

so I'm just gonna tell about my week.

Monday, I visited Jamie, and it was nice. a bit awkward, but nice. there was some silence if I remember correctly, but we also lay in each other's arms and cuddled and kissed. we talked about having an open relationship. I don't know, man, in a way I think I'll be able to do it, but in a way, it's the opposite. I mean, I like the thought of being able to kiss and fuck other people, but I know that Jamie might fall in love in the persons he would fuck around with. so I don't know. I don't think we have anything between us anymore, or at least not from his side. so.. idk. idk man. but it was really nice to see him, I think it was nice to talk to him about it all face to face. and of course, the cuddling.

Wednesday, I went to the fucking Crystal Castles concert in Vega!! AWESOME, I TELL YOU, AWESOME! I danced soooo much, it was so pleasant. but they didn't play Not In Love and XXCUZXX ME, which I'm kind of dissapointed about.. but Crimewave was fucking rad! Alice Glass is fucking amazing, even though she had her foot broken.

and Friday night, I spend together with Laura and her boyfriend, David. it was nice! they're both so sweet, and obviously very in love with each other. so when they snuggled, they teased me for being the emo in the corner with nobody, hahah. but they made sure I was okay, and I didn't feel outside the conversation. I went for a walk with David and talked about juggalos and ICP.

Saturday, I spent some time together with my brother and his girlfriend, making sushi and watching brokeback mountain. that movie dissapointed me... D: I had expected so much more. but it was really nice to get to talk to my brother, I rarely see him. I told him about my addiction to weed I had earlier this year, and he beat some sense into me, since he has also been addicted to it.

and now, I'm just home, smoking some fags. I still feel like I should be dead, because I know I won't turn 25 ever. why not just do it now?

you should see my scars.

I don't really know why my hair looks purple.. it's brown, with a reddish undertone, because it was pink before. somehow, it just turned out purple on this pic, maybe it was the light.

I've started to think a lot about death again. about dying and suicide. life just don't seem worth it anymore, I give up. my life is better than somes, yes, but I can't stand the thought of living with schizophrenia until the day I pass away. it just don't seem worth it. I am happy, then I'm sad. I'm tired of my scars, that they remind me of certain events, my past. I'm tired of dealing with gender-issues everyday, because it's such a big part of me. I mean, I'm happy that I found out about who I am, but the thought that I will forever be unstable about my gender throughout my life, kills me. it kills me that I see things that are not there, feel like everyone is gonna shoot me, even my own brother, I'm tired of being so paranoid. idk... I'm tired of being dumped, am I that uncabeable of being loved and falling in love with? I'm tired of being forgotten, and people get over me. being taken for granted. I'm tired of living.
I don't know... I feel like just dying already, I don't want to become an adult. I'm proud of who I am right at the moment, but in a way, I'm not. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to be hospitalized. I just want to be at ease. be taken out of this drama of a life, self-inflicted drama. I just simply don't want to live anymore. and I don't even have a right reason, I just don't want to stay like I am anymore. I don't want to be fucking hospitalized again, and I'm too afraid to tell anyone, because I know they'll put me in the looney bin again. and I don't want to. I've tried my best, and I'm actually pretty happy or at least okay atm, I just don't want to live anymore.

it's not a cry for help, because at the bottom of my heart, I just want to be at peace. and right now, my life is nothing like that.

it's Friday, I'm in love!

so yeah, I'm actually pretty happy tonight. why shouldn't I be? the person I'm in love with sends me sweet texts and we're having random fun, it's Friday, I'm seeing Anna tomorrow, I survived the day, my best friend is bullying me in a loving manner, and everything is just good in my mind right now. I'm just afraid that I might fall down or sumthin, but I feel fucking fantastic right now.

so he's sending me sweet textmessages from time to time, telling me I look pretty and he feels mushy when he looks at me. he says he loves me. and I couldn't be more happy than I already am. I don't know if it's good or bad, though. right now, it's very good. I feel like I just fell in love with him again, I'm having chest cramps when he writes me, just like I did 3 months ago. I don't know if he's in love with me, or if he has feelings for me. but right now, I just don't care, I'm happily in love. of course, it would make me happy to know that he likes me back, but I also like this. I'm just happy. happy in love. all I can think about is him.

but besides being happy, today has been a bore. the only thing I have done is to get my bus card renewed, and even though the trip only takes around 10 minutes, it managed to get up to 30-40 minutes! D: it sucked mega ass, man. everything with the busses just went wrong. originally, I wanted to go out and by some dresses alone (FOREVER ALOOOONE), but because both trains and busses fucked up, I decided not to. it was just too messy for me. D:
and then I made dinner for the rest of the residence, homemade hamburgers. it tasted deliciouuuus. I'm still full, hahah!

and tomorrow, I'm seeing my dear friend anna. we're not going to drink, even though I have the urge and booze. we're just gonna hang out, find some chillax stuff to do. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

swallow your pride.

sometimes when I look at pictures of myself, I realize how many piercings I actually have. it's kind of weird. like, I think "omg, wtf, that's so.. weird." that's how I feel when I look at this picture. and yes, I do know that I look like shit, but wth, it's just my blog.

I've come to some conclusions;
I need to stop hurting myself. I've thought a lot about it, and now I'm at that point where I really sincerely just want to stop doing it. it'll be hard, but I want to try it out. not only for my own sake, but also the sake of others. I know I have hurt a lot of people around me by doing this to myself, and I don't want that anymore. not that I ever wanted that, believe me, I didn't. but right now, I just feel like.. I actually want to give it a shot and give it up for good. just quit. stop getting more and more nasty scars. I see the beauty in scars, the story behind. but I also see the surface and the ugliness. I don't think anyone would ever date me if they saw them.. not that I'm searching for any dates at all, I really don't. I still just want Jamie. it just sucks that I'm still so deeply in love with him.

I also need to stop smoking. or just cut down on some fags a day, since I smoke too much.

but anyway... my day has been kind of boring, but I went out and ate with my mom, which was really nice. I got soooo full. as of lately, I haven't really been eating anything, only one meal a day. today too. but I simply can't eat big portions of food anymore. ): I get full just by the smallest things.
the next few days will also be boring, my only plans are that I'm going to visit Anna.

No one ever said that life was fair, and I'm not saying that it should be
So knowing that you are where you want to be, and I'm not, comes as no surprise
But don't expect me to be happy for you
And don't smile at me and tell me things will work out for me too
I don't want your pity
I hate your pity

please stay, don't go, I got you now.

so how's it hanging everyone? I'm doing somewhat okay, I guess.

so today, one of the adults woke me up at 10 AM, and I actually was awake. I just decided that, since I had nothing to do, that I wanted to sleep some more. but today, I'll try to go to bed somewhat earlier than I normally do, even though it's midnight now. but well, I'll probably go to bed after I've written this.
but yeah.. emma came home and woke me up, and then we went to McD. totally gross, but we both felt like it. I ate two burgers and fries, how more fat can I get. then, because she needed a rug, we went to a local rug seller, but they were all so... pricy, to say it like that. fucking expensive was more what my head was screaming. so instead, we went to Ikea. I didn't really need anything, but I ended up buying more wall stickers and more candles... I have way too many candles, it's like an obsession. I love them. so much. but now I don't have anyone to share them with... sadface. fucking sadface. ):

so yeah, that was pretty much my day. we went home and just hung out, like we normally do. and tomorrow, I have no plans, since she's going to see her boyfriend, and make dinner for the rest of us. I miss Nanna and Laura. Nanna is hospitalized, and Laura is in in Dublin. so I can't even hang out with them. my weekend will also be boring. I might be going out clubbing with a girl I've written with, and then I'm going to see Anna sometime during Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing her! she's really been there for me, with all my problems and heartbreak and all that jazz... now I'm just looking forward to hang out with her.
I hope Cecil is coming over, I really miss her. but it's just if she has the money for it.. so I don't think she will. but then I'd have something to do, plus I really miss her and I want to take her to Vela someday. out clubbing with all the gays.

Jamie is coming home from Malmö tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to writing with him again.. but I feel so pathetic, that I'm looking so much forward to it, and we're not even together anymore.

don't treat me like I ever accused you.

I've dyed my hair! for now, it's brown. I'm actually pretty accomplished with the outlook. I like it. it just looks a bit red on this picture, but whatever..
so it's 4:23 AM, and I just came home from a night out. I went out at 2 AM, with a girl I know. I just hung out with her and her friend at a gaybar, didn't get anything to drink at all, because I was too lazy, and also because I knew that I might feel bad later on, because my mind isn't really stable right now. a lot of things are going through my head.. mostly about jamie, but also about love in general and life. that I can't decide things, which is absolutely true. I have the most fucked up mind when it comes to deciding things. like... should I live and for what purpose? I'm not talking about dying and suicide, I don't want to die. I want to live. but it's more why I should. I just have to find my reasons, and that's pretty tough. I also keep thinking about Jamie, all the places we were and all the stuff we did. like, when I went to Rådhuspladsen earlier this night, I remembered the first time we met at Pride. how I felt when I saw him, and the mysteriousness he had. the kindness in him, and how he looked at me. when I left, and he immediately texted me "come back! <3". and so I did. tonight, I don't feel so clear about it all.. I have written with him all day on MSN, and we just both acted like goofballs, exchanging everyday words, like friends do. I got so happy, while writing with him. lately, all we have talked about was feelings and stuff like that, so it was a nice exchange. I just.. I can feel the tears well up in me, because it's really hard to think and write about. but I think I can manage it, not to cry. of course I want to support him if it was the right decision, but I also kind of forget about myself.. I just. I just want to be with him, you know? I don't want to get over him. I really hope for the slightest chance that we will get back together someday.. but we probably won't, and that's what fucking hurts. I don't want my heart to close that spot I have reserved for him. I just want to be with him.. I'm so sorry for whining about this all the time. but he means so fucking much to me, and I can't let it go. I know he won't have a relationship the next months, that's at least what he told me. but I don't know if I can wait that long without him... I don't know what to dooooo.
being heartbroken sucks big time dick.

but anyway.. I just..

I'm not okay. I'm really not. I need someone to talk to.

it's just like him, to wander off in the evergreen park. slowly searching.

today has also been hard, but after some sleep, I actually feel a lot better. my inside of my head feels clean, and I can see straight again. maybe it was for the better to just end it, because the situation has really hurt me and made me go through a lot of shit. so maybe it was for the best. I will never find someone like him again, and if he died, I would be so devastated, because really, he means so much to me. but I now think it's better we're not together. but I'll admit, if he wanted me back, I would do it in a heartbeat.

but for now, all I can do is to mourn over my loss of him and try to get on with my life. apparently, it just wasn't meant for the two of us to be together. maybe in the future, but I don't know. I want to.. it's more like.. when will he get better? and will he find someone else to make him happy?

but really, I'm okay. if that's what's best for him, why shouldn't I support him? after all, he means so much to me.

I'm okay.


Well let's see. After you decide that I'm depressed or whatever, you'll put me on meds right? I'll go back to work on my new anti-depressants. Have dinner with my parents, persuade them that I'm back to being the normal one who never gives them any trouble. Then one day, some guy will ask me to marry him. I'm mean it's enough, it will make my parents very happy. In the first year we will make love all the time, and then in the second and third, less and less. But just as were getting sick of each other, I'll get pregnant. Taking care of kids, holding up a job, paying mortgages, it'll keep us on moving keel for awhile. And then about ten years into it, he'll have an affair because I'm too busy and to tired and I'll find out. I'll threaten to kill him, his mistress, myself. We'll get past it and in a few years he'll have another one, but this time I'm just going to pretend I don't know 'cause somehow keeping up a fuss just doesn't seem worth the trouble this time. And I'll live out the rest of my days, sometimes wishing my kids could have a life that I never had. Other times secretly pleased they're turning into repeats of me. I'm fine, really.

test my arms, kick like crazy, I've been trying way too long.

so I haven't written for a week or so, haven't I.. see, the last few days has been horrible. I don't have a boyfriend anymore, and my heart is completely open and it feels like it's about to tear apart. I feel like shit. I've been drinking, crying, hurting myself, crying even more, smoking too many fags, vomited to much because I was nervous, and again; crying. I still feel like crying.

he says he has feelings for me... but he's standing in too much shit to be in a relationship. he has too much to think about..
I still love him, and I love him to the bones.. I felt like he was the right for me, that I could be with him for years. it just hurts that he doesn't feel the same way.. I can feel the tears pressing as I write about it. it's just weird. I saw him yesterday, and he told me he was in love with me. then today, he sent me a textmessage, that he was still confused. and then it just went from there. we texted each other about it, and he decided that it would be the best for him to be single. it just hurts, knowing that he'd rather be single, than with me.
he says that I haven't done anything wrong, on the contrary actually... he just need to work on some things. the thing is, that I want to be a part of it too, to help him. I don't know.

I really don't fucking know anything anymore. the tears are running down my face, and I'm choking.

it just hurts so fucking much, knowing that he's no longer mine. I want to harm myself, get stitches, go as far down so I can see the fat and flesh beneath the skin... I've done it before, and it will happen.