you make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer. and I need you now somehow.

I've returned from Greece/Karpathos, and it was absolutely awesome. I miss it already! I didn't do that much, other than reading in the sun, drinking cocktails, eating delicious food, sleeping and sunbathing. that was pretty much my everyday. it was so nice! :] but there was rain and stormy weather two of the days, which I spent on reading and sleeping. I read Sputnik Sweetheart, by Haruki Murakami, and it's a very beautiful, deep book, in my opinion. it makes some good points, and there was a lot of great metaphors in it, too. and then, of course, there's a lot of thoughts and talks in the book, about Sputnik. and I absolutely adore Sputnik. <3 it meant a lot to me at a time, it still does. that you're miles up in the air, circling around the Earth, crying out to the world before your feet, as you burn up in space by yourself. it's hard to explain, but I really identified with Sputnik at a time. I still do sometimes, and it's one of the most beautiful things man has ever created, in my opinion.
but back to the vacation - it was so lovely. I ate swordfish one of the days, and it was so tastaaay! haha. and the cocktails were amazing. I ended up drunk after only 2 drinks one of the days, because they were so strong. it was rather embarassing.
and the view from the balcony was incredible. I can't even describe it. it was stunning.. <3
bought some presents/souvenirs to Laura, Jonas, Cecil and Emilia, and they seemed to like them. they were incredibly cheesy, those presents, hahahah. but yeah.

I also realized something during the vacation, that I indeed am in love with him, that utterly sweet guy I know. he's so kind, and I get this lovely feeling bubbling up inside, when I think of him. he picked me up at the airport, and just seeing his face was enough to overwhelm me with euphoria as I slung my arms around his neck and kissed him gently. just... ARGH! hahahahah. <3 I am full of happiness and bubbly hearts and confetti at the moment.
I woke up in his arms the day after I returned home, and I realized how incredible and blissful it all felt.

when I got home from Greece, I hung out with Emma, Jonas, Askur and Loop. it was so lovely to see them all again, and I've really missed all their weird comments and thoughts. we (minus Emma) went out and smoked some pot, the four of us, and I got really high. it was fun, even though it was raining. I know it's stupid of me to smoke all that jazz, but the last many times I've done it, I haven't badtripped or felt down the day after. at least I'm only doing it once in a while, and not everyday. :]
got home, talked and had fun with the others, and snuggled up.

then yesterday, Emilia came over! ARGH, SO NICE TO SEE HER AGAIN. <3 we just chilled and ate McD food and being uncharming as always, when I got this impulse; angelbites. which my sister would be giving me as a present... which I have wanted in half a year now.. SO OFF WE WENT TO THE PIERCEEEERRRRR. it wasn't the piercer I normally go to when I get pierced, because his shop wasn't open, and it was more expensive. so I went to the piercer who made my old bridge. he fucked up, and I got pierced 3 times instead of 2, so I have a small hole under one of the piercings. and then he put in the wrong jewelry to start with. I wasn't that pleased...
but I'm happy about the result! I removed the three I had under my lip, so it wasn't too intense. but today, when I woke up, my upper lip was completely swollen and ew. ): I looked, and still do, like someone who's gotten botox or sumthin. can't wait for my lip to swollen down again, haha.

and today, I went home to my mum's place, together with Laura. she wanted some of my old clothes from when I was girly. instead, we ended up nomming like maniacs, eating both cashew nuts, chips and Ben&Jerry's. but it was nice, haha! oh, and we watched The L Word season 4. I had a really great time together with her, and I've missed her so much. <3

but I gotta go now, that cute boy is in my room now, and I want to spend time with him. have a great time everyone. <3

I know, you know, you knew, you never could.

yo all! wassup? are you all enjoying yourself? 'cause I sure am. life is weird and wonderful, in a strange way. a lot of things has gone up and down since the last time I wrote, which is a pretty long time ago actually. I've turned 18, so legally, I'm an adult now. it's weird, and I can't really get the thought smashed into my head yet. I still see myself as a kid, probably always will do. I don't believe that I'll ever grow up, I'll end up like Peter Pan instead, just by heart. he's my rolemodel, actually. I was told by my aunt or something like that, that I had always reminded her of him, and I got so happy. it was around my mum's birthday, I think I've mentioned that on my blog in an earlier entry. I'm happy.

so yeah, I turned 18! woo. I had an awesome day. I spent my last evening as 17 in my mum's kitchen, together with Jonas, reminiscing good times and bad times from my life. went for a walk with him, and we ended up at the same hospital I was at 2 years ago. it brought a lot of memories along, just being there. but I'm glad he was with me, even though he really hates hospitals, especially "loonybins". it meant a lot to me.

then came Tuesday, my birthday. got woken up by my mum and my sister singing "happy birthday" to me, including a rather disturbing "remix" of the song. hahahha. ate homebaked buns and drank hot chocolat and had fun with my family and Jonas. I could already sense that the day was going to be awesome.
then in the afternoon I went home to my residency together with Jonas. went to the piercer with Nanna, but he wasn't on work, so we couldn't get our tongue piercings shortened. oh yeah, I got a tongue piercing 2 weeks ago, and it's absolutely awesome to have it back. :'D I love it.

then Emilia, my good friend, came over, and gave me some really amazing presents. apparently, she remembered what my favorite perfume is, even though I've only mentioned it to her once or so. so she gave me that, 2 packs of Blue Kings cigarettes, 200 DKK and and and.... 2 DVDS OF "LAND BEFORE TIME"!!!! I was so touched and happy, and I couldn't stop smiling. she's really a great friend, she is. I love her. from Jonas, I got a really sweet letter, and in the upcoming month, I'll get "my real present". can't wait. my mum is giving me a tattoo, and my sister is paying for my angelbites, which I'm getting when I come home from vacation. my brother gave me 800 DKK, and Askur, 2 packs of Blue Kings.<3

then we ate tortillas at my residency and made layercake with strawberry and banana, nom nom nom nom. <3 it was OSSUM. so good, I tell you, so good!
and then we headed off to Tivoli, 3 of my friends and I. I'm keeping them anonymous this time, because there's some private stuff about them I need to tell after this, because it's something that's bugging me. but we had a really great time, ate candyfloss and rode rollercoasters and laughed a hella lot. I couldn't figure out how I could get a better 18th birthday, tbh, besides that Cecil would be there with me, too. <3 I miss her so much.

the thing is... I've written about this crush I have, right? well, it's not quite over. and going to Tivoli only made me realize that it was more than a crush at that time.. it's getting better now, it's slowly starting to go away. but the thing is, that one of the guys I live with, has gotten feelings for her, and she's got feelings for him too. so whenever she held her arm, tried rollercoasters together or something, I felt so fucking frustrated, because I saw her as my girlfriend. it's kind of ridiculous.
but I've come to terms with the fact that I cannot get her, and I'm getting over her.

and also; the thing that made me slowly start to get over her, was a conversation with a good friend of mine. he confessed his feelings to me, and we talked it over. I've also felt like I eventually could get feelings for him, same as he says he's confused about right at the moment. love is a big blur for me at the moment, to be completely honest. because I miss him when I'm not with him, and we kiss, hold hands and fool around everyday, acting exactly like lovers do. it's really weird, but it feels right. it really does. but we are both not sure about our feelings, because it's not like a new summer love. we've known each other for a while now, half a year I think. we've loved each other in a few months, too, but just as friends to start with.
frankly, I really don't know what to do. as I wrote before, love is a big blur for me, and I'm so confused. is it possible to have a crush on two persons at the same time?

I'm leaving Denmark on Sunday, and I will be back in a week or so. I can't wait. going to Greece, hellz yeah baby! I'm gonna get so fat and tanned, hahaha. it's lovely.

I hope you all will enjoy your days. <3

"it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me instead of me trying to adapt to my body".

I don't really have that much to say about my days this time, but I have a lot on my mind. I know some will be annoyed and shit, but I need to get things off my chest, since this is MY blog - I'm not writing it to please anyone else.
I'm soon 18, in 15 days, to be more specific. I've had a hard time figuring out who I am, and I've been through a lot of phases with my appearance and self-perception. when I was around 12 or so, I started to think; "why can't I be the male model in the magazine?" and cried by my self when I went to bed and I was alone. I was scared of growing up. now, I've realized something. I'm still scared of growing up, with all the responsibility you get. but I realized it was not that I was afraid of. I was scared of becoming a woman, with a curvy body and the way I was going to be "decided by others how to live my life". like, for an instant, I was the one who were to get pregnant, if I ever wanted kids of my own. I've been extremely terrified of pregancy and delivering a child as long as I can remember, because it just wasn't fit for me. I remember my mum once read a book aloud when I was around 5 years old, and I started weeping like a maniac, because I was so afraid and disgusted. it's weird I still can recall it. but it stuck to me.
when I was around 14, I started dressing in a Japanese style, visual kei. I put pictures up on a site called DeviantArt, pictures of myself. and I remember people started questioning my gender. and you know what? I felt so happy. I can't describe it. at first, I told people I was a girl, because that's what my body told me. then, when more people began to question it, I changed my gender on my profile from "girl" to "unknown". when people asked, I answered "I'll leave that to you to decide". I was like.. 14 back then. and I kept doing that.
I felt dysphoria about my body, but because I was underweight, I felt more like a boy. I had no real curves at all. but then I gained weight, during my hospitalization and treatment for depression and atypical schizophrenia. I was used to being skinny, because I've been that my entire life, and suddenly I couldn't control my own body.
I started dressing really girly. on a normal day, I would wear foundation, concealer, lots of mascara and eyeliner. wore over-the-top girly dresses. acted really girly, too. some times a week, I would also wear fake lashes. when I was back with my second ex-boyfriend, I started dressing in a Japanese style (again), this time "gyaru/gal". really girly style. some days, though, I would dress in onii kei, also known as "big brother style". that phase took a while, dressing up everyday. then I got my third ex-boyfriend, where I still dressed really girly, but now in my own style. but I started to feel like it was not me. we talked about it, and I came to the conclusion that I was genderqueer. I identified as that for a while. but then I felt like it just wasn't right.
I started getting more and more masculine. I felt more comfortable and like I had found myself. it felt right. I started feeling better about myself, and gained more of confidence. not a lot, though, but I gained what I could get, when you're sensitive.
back in the summer, I was really psychotic. that was also the time I was really girly. I think it came from surpressing myself. or maybe all the weed I smoked. but it's pretty much gone by now, probably because of the medicin I intake. maybe because I've come to terms with who I am, I don't know, to be honest, and I don't really care. it's over!
I've owned a binder for a year now, and I used it once in a while when I wanted to look like a boy. now, because I've worn it too much over the past few 6 months circa, it's stretched out and doesn't really work. so I'm currently using gaze, which makes me totally flat.
I don't feel like a girl. not a tomboy, because I'm not. I've had two transsexual boyfriends, and I could relate to them and understand them. I thought I was genderqueer for a while, but it turned out that I wasn't. pretty much everyone at my residency knows about my self-perception now, and they all see me as a dude, one of their bros, as they say, haha. they treat me like I want to be treated, and it feels right. they see right through me.
I've finally realized who I am, and who I will become. not a woman, but a man. and it sure took me 18 years to figure that out, even though I've felt like a boy since I was twelve. I've realized that I was so over-the-top back when I was girly, that I dressed up and tried to prove people I was someone I wasn't. I was always "me", I was just surpressing myself, though. and I finally feel like I'm myself, and at peace with that. I was dressing in drag, with lipstick and poofy skirts and extensions.
I might not be the most masculine person in the whole world, but it's not what's typical of a boy to like, but what's inside your heart and head, I've realized.
I had an anxiety attack yesterday, because some boys at a male shop couldn't figure my gender out, and was all like "is that a girl? no, look at her legs. it's a girl." I felt so fucking frustrated, like I can't fool anyone, make anyone see the real me. dressed up in women's clothing a week ago, because I was thinking stuff like "I will never become a real boy". in the end, I just got more down than I've been in.. a really long time, and psychotic, because I surpressed myself. I'm not a girl.

so in short version pl0x - yes, I'm coming out as a transsexual boy, an FTM. and it sure is hard for me to write this entry, you have no idea. I'm afraid people won't believe me, because I've been so girly in my appearence. but I am who I am mentally, and it just took me a while to figure it all out.

and what am I gonna do about the future? I turn 18 on May 17th, and I'm leaving Denmark for a week on the 22nd, will be back around May 29th. but when I get back, I'm going to talk to my doctor, about getting a refferal to a specialist, because I can't get through to the Sexoligical Clinic because I have a diagnosis. it's okay, though. I've heard that sexological clinic is a stuck-up little bitch, with a stick in their ass. so I'm more comfortable with the specialist.
but I'm trying to get a yes on starting on hormones, as soon as possible. I don't want to waste my life on being someone I'm not. I really, really hope for a yes.
I have an inheritance from my father, and I think I will spend them on an apartment and my transition. he probably wouldn't be proud of me, but I think he would like that I would become "the real me".

it would be lovely to someday be able to say; "it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me, instead of me trying to adapt to my body", as Skylarkeleven once said in his early transition.