looking at my own reflection, and suddenly it changes, violently it changes.

I feel so insecure, and so fucking frustrated right now. and I don't even know why. it feels like my head is echoing, my skin is too tight and it itches on the inside... I want to pull my hair out and go crazy because of this feeling. it's like I'm about to see double, but not quite. I just want to ARGH and just scream, bite and scratch.. kick someone, or more likely, myself. dig nails into skin, not even my own, but just skin.
I don't even know the cause of this. maybe it's my sickness. maybe I'm just having a bad day. maybe it's gender-issues. I don't fucking know, man, I don't fucking know. I just know that I have to avoid mirrors, because this self-hatred I have right now is too unbearable. it's not really my face at the moment, I can look at that. but it's my body. my female fucking body. I'm growing insane here, so I think it might be gender issues I'm having. I hate the fact that I were, and never will be, something even close to a boy. I don't want to be a real boy though, I just want to... I don't know. fuck it. I just want to be happy with myself.

I feel like I'm such a jerk, that people have no reason to be with me. I know that I'm a friendly person, and I have a lot who cares for me, but right at the moment, I'm just so fucking sceptical. I don't see any reasons to be near my company. I'm just a low-life, self-torturing loser, who's not really funny or anything special. I feel like wanting to destroy everything good I have. I don't want to, but something deep inside of me tells me to do it. fuck, dude. I feel like shit right now.

I'm thinking about harming myself, more likely slicing myself, because maybe that'll get the frustration out. it used to work. the thing is, though, that I really don't want to. I've done it so much in the past, one of my arms are completely slaughtered. but the other part of me believes that there's no reason why I shouldn't do it, it's already broken. I just don't want to... I'll probably end up doing it anyway, because this frustration is not something I'm able to bear.

it's when I'm alone it comes, when I know that I have no plans whatsoever the next days.

the lovecats.

I've dyed my hair piiiink! it looks pretty rad, in my opinion. I look like some sort of chemical-freak, hahah. it's awesome. it was Monday I dyed it, and the color still looks pretty good. I feel like dressing up in colors with this hair. *thumbs up*

so I went to visit Cecil, from Monday to Thursday. we had such an awesome time together! we watched porn, lame movies and did all kinds of crap. it was so nice to see her again. it's been waaaaay too long. the last time we were together for realz was in Finland, and that's a few months ago. FAIL! especially when you think about the fact that you are best friends.. but we live so far away from each other, so we don't get to see each other that often, especially because we both have plans during the weekends... and it costs a fortune to get there, like 600 DKK, and that's a lot, especially when you don't have that much money... sucks nipples.
but we had an awesome time together, like always. did random stuff and laughed a hella lot, just being uncharming and perverse as we always have been. we have always been pervs together, ever since the first time we met. the sad thing is, that now, I mean every little pervy thing I say... or most of it, at least.
I love her with my whole heart, she means the world to me, and I can't imagine life without her.

OH! and one of my good, good, good friends has a thing for me. it's kinda cute. I miss her, we live about 20 minutes away from each other in walking distance, and we see each other once a week or so. she's so sweet, even though she calls me a flaming homo, like... always. -__- hahahahah. fail at my life.

tomorrow, I'm going to Jamie's parents' house for the first time! it's going to be awesome. I'm just so fucking nervous, it's unbelievable. I have no idea what to do and what to say.. I hope they'll like me anyways,.. despite all the piercings and the pink hair, and that I seem like a complete douchebag, because I'm A) nervous, and B) I'm shy. I've also forgotten my deo at Cecil's place, so unless I can borrow one of Emma's, I'm also going to smell. FML.
can't wait to see him again.

I'm enjoying my vacation to the fullest, hahah.

I am the kid with the CHEMICALS.

this weekend has been really lovely. I spend my time at Jamie's place, and we pretty much did nothing, really, besides laying in bed and eating unhealthy stuff. we made sundaes, whoohoo! :D it tasted fucking beast, it did. chocolate icecream, sprinkles, chocolate sauce, chocolate-coated marshmallow treats, whipped cream, everything. it was AWESOME. it's been, well.. I can't even remember if I've ever have made a sundae from scratch. but holy shit, it was delicious.
I've also eaten pizzas 3 times this weekend. one time yesterday for dinner, a slice for breakfast and then later this evening, because my residence apparently had left over some slices. fucking yummy. I'm going to get so fat, I just know it. :'D

I'm listening to DJ Crackrat and later on I'll enjoy a few smokes, probably while watching a movie. tomorrow, I'm going to do it, the unpreventable thing; I'm going to dye my hair PINK! how awesome is that. I'm probably going to look like some scene kid, but wtf. when I'm girly, it's going to look rather rad, I think, because I wear really dolly, antique-ish things. tomorrow, I'm going to hang out with Emma and Laura and buy/dye my hair together with them, and later that evening, I'm heading over at Cecil's place. I'm so looking farward to both things, hahahaha. I can't wait to see her again, and I can't wait to get pink haaaaaiiiiiir... she's going to dye her hair baby blue when I'm there, because I have the hairdye. woo, can't wait! *hearts and flowers*

I miss Jamie already. :(

did you know that I love you? come and lay with me. I love you.

today has been fairly boring. not just to say "fairly", but... extremely boring. I haven't been doing anything remotely interesting at all. originally, Emilia and I had planned to hang out, but she had forgotten she had an appointment with her shrink. so I got up fairly early, and then I waited for her to come to my place, checking Facebook, where she wrote about the appointment, and that she was sorry. but it was okay, everyone can forget an appointment once in a while. :) I do that, too. I didn't get angry at her.
so after that, I went to the bank with Laura and my contact person, Berit (AND ROBBED EVERYTHING MUHAHAHAHAH), because my card didn't work properly. so now, everything's fixed! such a relief that I can finally use it again. then we went to the pharmacy, because Laura needed some rescription pills.
unfortunately, I couldn't hang out with her when we came home, not for such a long time at least. she's sleeping at her mother's place. Nanna is also home on Bornholm, a little Danish island. and Emma had her boyfriend over. so I've pretty much just had a whole day for myself.. kind of boring, I must admit. maybe I'm just a boring person, hahahahha.

tomorrow, I'm going to sleep at Jamie's place, it's going to be so lovely. I am so much in love with him, it's whack. he surely does something to me, and the feeling I get is insane... it's like happiness, orgasms, rainbows and joy x 500. I feel so safe with him. and that I truly can be who I am, that I don't have to hide anything. he makes me feel better about myself, and not so critical of everything I do.
so yeah, I can't wait for tomorrow to come. I seriously consider just going to bed so time can move faster. isn't that pathetic? heh..

oh, and also; I just discovered how much dick crunkcore sucks (in my opinion).

now I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure.

I visited my mom today! she's babysitting two of these babies. aren't she cute? she's called Lulu. they're French bulldogs. they groint when they are happy, hahah. so cute. and then they are really small, just my type of dog. the other one is called Sigrid, a Danish name (pronounces See-rid). hahahahah. they were so happy and cuddly all the time, constantly wanting attention. I'm more of a cat person, but they were so cute... I miss my brother's dog, Liva. she's so stupid, it's unbelievable. she thinks she's way smaller than she really is, so she keeps donking her head into everything, really. but she's so adorable and happy...
when I become an adult, I'll definitely get a pet. a cat, called Milk. what species, I don't know yet, but my dream is to get a munchkin. but they are so fricking expensive!

I need to get in shape btw. I've been looking at all these gorgeous boys, and I really want a body like theirs. also the girl's bodies. I just wish you could do it like THIS, and then you would be in shape, with tones muscles and all. I want to loose a few kgs, so I'd weigh.. around 53-52, about that. it's only 2-3 kgs. that could be easy to do. :D or, easy and easy... not so much maybe. hahahhaha. I just have to work hard on it, but this time, in a good and healthy way. I don't want to get anorexic again, and I don't think I will this time. I feel healthy and sane enough to go through this, without cheating and doing stupid stuff like.. stop eating and stuff like that, which I used to do, when I wanted to loose weight. come to think of it, I've never been on a real diet, only the bad ones, like just-water diets and shit like that.
I need a lot of exercise, so tomorrow, after I've hung out with Emilia, I'll go to the gym and work out on muscles and run. it's ridiculous how little muscles I have on my arms, you can squeeze them down, hahahhaahha. I fail at life. I also want to get a toned abs. and a nicer ass.

speaking of something entirely else; I want pink hair. like, really, really bad. that would be sweet. except that I would have to dye my hair every week, because the colour I normally use only last for a few days.. go suck a dick, Stargazer, go suck a dick. I'd also have to bleach my hair, and red is really difficult to bleach... and I actually like my red hair. maybe I shouldn't. but it would just be sweeeeet to have pink hair... I want some kind of crazy color, not just pink, but maybe something else. pink is the main thing I want, though.
maybe I should do it. should I?

tomorrow, I'm going to hang out with Emilia, that sweet bastard. :'D she keeps calling me gay. but wth, as a girl, I am such a bulldyke from time to time, and as a boy, I'm such a faggot it hurts.

ps. I'm allowed to see Jamie again!

Why don't you just fuck off and die.

fuck, I'm so in rage right now! you stupid, fucking whore of a residence. I am shaking in rage right now, chainsmoking and listening to Disturbed. I rarely get angry, but this time, I really am, and I'm also frustrated and on the verge of fucking tears, how pathetic is that!
I'm not allowed to see Jamie anymore during the weekdays. fuck them, they can't just decide that I can't. I am so fucking enraged.. I just want to bawl and cry and scream. their reason? I really don't fucking know anymore. they think I see him too much... I SEE HIM FUCKING 2 TIMES A WEEK, GET THE FUCKING FUCK ASS MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID SON OF A WHORE. I can't see him until I get a "structured day" because I haven't been to school lately (not because of him, BUT MY FUCKING PSYCHOSIS!! get the hell out of here. and also because I didn't feel motivated.)
it's just some bullshit, that's what it is... they will take it up at the meeting tomorrow, but I know how it will end anyway. I won't be able to see him during the weekdays.. this, my beloved friend, sucks ass.
why am I so upset about this? oh yeah, it's because he's the main reason I don't get high and I don't harm myself. right now, I just feel so fucking angry, I could put a lighter to my own skin and burn myself again. just feel it. drag something sharp against my skin. just to get relief and not be so bottled up.
I am so fucking angry, I could just scream and punch myself over and over again.

anyway, jamie helps a bit. he says he won't like to see me throw all I've worked on, out of the window. I can see his point in this.. I don't want to, I really don't want to, but it's difficult when you have to replace on urge with another.

anyway.

I was together with Jamie today, perfectly fine and all, really lovely as it always is, but then I get this phonecall about this crap and that I should come home earlier. shitballz. at least I could have been given permission to enjoy my day with him, but no.
we went to some antique shops and looked after shirts, since they are really cheap and awesome there. we didn't find any, though. then we fell asleep in each others arms. Argh, I'm too upset to write about my day!

stars fall like dust, our lips will touch, we speak too much.

the sun has been shining all day! woohoo, but it was cold like hell. I only wore a t-shirt and a blazer, so I've dug myself tightly down into the duvets now, hahah. damn Danish weather, why must you be so cold and Scandinavian, and so un-California?

I woke up too late to go to school. but Emma woke me up, because she was feeling mentally fucked up.
but I had to go to Jamie's place, so I didn't really mind sleeping in late and skipping school. I don't know if I'll go to school tomorrow, because.. well, I don't feel like it. and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (that hoe, I dislike him) too, so.. I have to talk to him about my psychosis, because it hasn't quite gone away yet, even though I haven't been smoking weed for a week and a half. so I probably just have a "normal" psychosis. sucks cow nipple. I don't know. I might also go see Jamie again tomorrow, and I don't want to stress myself. I have a lot of bad excuses, don't I?

so I went to my boyfriend's place today, which was really, really nice. I feel like myself, like I do with my best friend, Cecil. I helped him dye his hair blackish blue/blue-ish black, which looks AWESOME! lately, I've been considering dying my hair baby pink, or just some parts of it maybe.. I just can't find any sellers who has that colour. Black No 1 used to have it, but apparently they don't have it anymore. they only have hot pink, and I already have that hair dye (and blue hairdye, even though I've only used it once). it would look pretty rad with pink streaks, I think, because my hair is red. it'll look like this kind of love monster or something, hahahhaah.
then we made dinner, potatoes with whiskey sauce and no meat. it actually tasted really, really good, and I got so full. after that, he played the bass for me for the first time.. *hearts* he played Gorillaz and The White Stripes. I was just like "WOOOOW THAT'S AWESOME!", tehehe.
the rest of the time, we just lay in bed, talking about weird stuff and snuggling.

I love that he can accept me for who I am, whether I'm looking like a boy or a girl. of course he feels less like a man when I'm boyish, but he understand that this is a part of me. I said something like "well, I'm just a girl" and he softly replied "no, you're not. you're something else... like a mix". I felt so happy when he said that, because argh, I just felt so understood and safe and.. not having to act like a different person. this whole genderqueer thing is still new to me, and I still need support to feel like I do. and the best part is, that Cecil and Jamie totally understands me and supports me.

speaking of Cecil, I fucking miss her. D: we haven't seen each other in ages.. I miss her so badly. but we live 3 hours away from each other, so we can only hang out in the weekends and vacations, and we often both have plans there. she wrote an entry about me earlier today, and I just felt so sappy reading it, because I really miss her.

I'll take you to the candy shop.

NEKKID CHICKS! RIGHT THERE!

I slept until 2 PM again today. I also had to make dinner for everyone again today. it sucks cow nipple. but I made homemade pizza, woohoo! I wasn't accomplished with the taste of it, but the others told me it was very delicious. I only made it because it didn't take that much time and because I didn't have to clean so much afterwards... I'm way too lazy, I know that, but it's Sunday, and I also made dinner yesterday, which was homemade burgers. nomz000r. tastes gewd. anyway, I didn't really do anything else for today, because again, it's Sunday, and Emma had her boyfriend over, Nanna felt mentally sick, Laura wasn't home, and they are the people I hang out the most with here at this residence...

when Emma's boyfriend left, she came to my room, though, and we just sat and talked. she was really fucked up in her head, she admitted it. she litterally begged me to harm myself with her.. in all different ways, but regularly, she asked me "don't you want to cut yourself?". I had to be honest and say yes, because lately, it has started to build up again. "I want to go out and get hit by a car so I can be hospitalized (physically)."
it was hard for me to say "no, I don't want to harm myself with you", but I stayed strong, even though it was difficult as hell. I wanted to.
so instead, she told me she had to go to the bathroom, but I knew she was going to do it. I feel like such a weakling for not being able to stop her.. so she cut herself. it just made me feel even more like burning myself. but I won't do it today, I'm going to see Jamie tomorrow, and he usually helps when I have these urges! when I told her that she didn't have to go to the emergency room, she looked sad.
of course I appreciate that people can talk to me about their problems, their sicknesses and their self-harming, but I also want them to know that it affects me. the main reason why I harm myself is because everyone around me does it, and I am not strong enough to fight it. right at the moment, I don't need and feel the urges to self-injure, which is fantastic, but when I feel like it these days, it's because of the people around me, their scars and their unhealed wounds.

but after she did it, she got a little better, and we started listening to all this GANGSTAAAA RAAAAAP, westlife and backstreet boys. laura joined us when she came home. it was nice. we also watched a lot of weird shit on youtube.. hahahah.
now, I'm listening to Mariah Carey's Without You, and it's pretty rad, I must admit. I will listen to N.E.R.D now, though. I'M A PROVIIIIIIDERRRR, GIRL.. <3

some say that time changes.

yes. yes, I do have naked chicks hanging on my wall. I have a whole wall dedicated to naked women, that's pretty awesome. :D I got most of the pictures from Playboy and M! magazines. I need to buy new p0rnz btw, hahaha. porn is good, I don't care about others opinions about them not liking it, I still watch it. my best friend and I have some pretty fine memories about watching porn together, because we do it, like... almost everytime we are together. we have watched some weird shit, tbh. like the one where they dressed up as Power Rangers, acting like Power Rangers, and fucking like... well, turtles, or sumthin weird like that. and now, I could really use some good porn. (or my boyfriend, to be more particular....) so after this entry, hehehhe...

I hate my nose, btw. :( but Jamie has made me more comfortable with it.

so nanna and I talked about schizophrenia, which we both suffer from, which was really nice. she's such a lovely girl, and I care so much for her. she is a heavy self-harmer, so sometimes, it can be hard to be around her.. only if I also feel like selfharming. I felt like that earlier this evening, but then I talked to Jamie, and now it's kind of gone.

I don't know what to do with the rest of this night. :( I'll probably just be online and update the regular stuff. even though it's boring. I could also watch a movie, I just don't know which.

the girls wanna be her, the boys wanna be her.

I've had a fairly nice day today. I just lay slumbering in my bed all up to afternoon, and then I went to the piercer with Nanna. she had to get her cheeks done. she was so nervous, it was unbelievable! but they turned out sooo cute, she looks amazing. she has such a cute face, and it just looks even cuter now. Martin, the piercer, and I just ran around, joking about all stuff, like the mouth wash tasted like Wunderbaum and the like. he's so cool, we always joke around when I'm there. he has made ALL of my piercings, expect the one in my ear (which Nanna made), and my bridge/earl, which the other piercer, Jack, made. so Martin knows me pretty well, has been going there regularly during the past year and a half or so.

I've started to draw on a little mechanic heart on my chest, because I'm considering it as a tattoo. I will get a chestpiece one day, but I want to be completely sure before I get it. so maybe the next half year, I'd be running around with an eyeliner/pen heart on my chest. you can see it on the picture. I'd also like to have written "j'ai peur de devenir un adulte sans rêves" on there either over or below it, but I think I will get it written on my lower abdomen instead. that would be pretty lovely.

I'm still happy I've found out about my gender issues, but also a little sad, knowing that I'll never be completely happy with my biological gender.

I think I will make a new entry again later, before going to bed.

Chris is all dressed up and acting coy
Painted like a brand new Christmas toy
He's trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy
He says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

hiding the tears in my eyes, 'cause boys don't cry.

I have gotten cheeks, wohoo and yayz! I love them, even though the balls are kinda big.. I want smaller ones, but I can only get it after a month. kinda sucks. but I'm happy I got it done (even though I apparently can't eat Toffifee.... D: )

anyway, today's topic is gender, because I've finally come to understand myself better.

I dress girly, and I dress boyish. sometimes, a mix of both. when I was twelve years old, just hit puberty and started to get more womanly, I started thinking "why can't I be that male model in my magazine?". I remember thinking that. I started to wish I biologically was a boy. I remember crying at night because I was getting more and more like a woman, more and more like an adult. up to a few months ago, I felt like that. now, it has kinda started to come back, and I feel like dying because I know I can't be what I really want to be. something inbetween the genders. I keep wondering whether I'm a feminine boy or just a masculine girl, and that thought is way too frustrating sometimes. but I've finally come to understand myself. for a while, I thought I was transsexual, then I figured out that I wasn't, because you'd definitely know if you are. I just wish I were a boy more... I feel like, that if I actually were a boy, maybe I wouldn't have these gender-problems, but I don't know. I'm not transsexual, I know that for sure. I just want to be genderless, or something between the genders.
there was a time where I honestly thought I was a boy. now, I'm just confused, because I like being both. apparently, I'm genderqueer. a few weeks ago, Jamie and I talked about genders, and I told him about how I felt about myself. "Well, maybe you're genderqueer", he said. I thought it over. today, I managed to research it, and I haven't felt like I could relate to what I found more than.. well, I can't find any, besides "boys don't cry". it was such a relief, I can tell you that. now I don't have to think more about what the hell I am. I used to be ashamed whenever people called me "her" or "girl". I still am, for a bit, at least on the internet. I enjoy when people on dA confuses me with a boy. that's why I've always kept my gender hidden there.

someone once said...
"Every time I try to bind my chest and wear my men’s clothes, I wonder what it’s like to be a boy and every time I wear my bra and my dresses, I wonder what it’s like to be a girl."

and something entirely else. I've been smoking a lot of weed lately, and it turns out I probably have a toxic psychosis. I see things that are not there, and I hear things, like someone keeps knocking on my door. but I will write about that later, in another entry.


"I think my gender is Peter Pan. I’m just a boy, and I don’t want to grow up."

black engulfs the dying light as he falls on frail wings of vanity and wax.

e had an a-ma-zing weekend with my dearest boyfriend. really. I feel like I have been up in the skies and kissed the sun. I'm so in love, I'm loving and enjoying it to the max.
teheh. anyway, I had no school Friday, so I went off to Jamie relatively early. nice nice. I think I was there around 2 PM. I actually don't think we did anything in particular, besides going to Copenhagen (which is an hour and a half away from Jyderup where Jamie lives) late at night because we had forgotten something important back at my place. it was a lot of fun in the train. "IT'S OVER 9000!!!!" hahahaha. it was because Jamie was wearing his wayfarers, so he shook them while screaming NINE THOUSAAAAANNNND... it sounds so lame when I explain it, but holy shit I laughed.
we also got to talk about some more serious stuff. that was nice, tbh..

Saturday, we ate homemade pizza together with some of Jamie's friends from his recidence. it tasted so good! om nomz. later, we drank at Johannes' room, vodka, orange juice and raspberry soda. I got a little drunk, I must admit. but that's okay Johannes got fucked up, and Jamie got tipsy.

Sunday, we watched "The Human Centipede", and holy shit, it's disturbing! like, really really gross. the person who came up with the concept of the movie must be really fucked in the brain. eww, boo. the worst part is, that it even made me more paranoid because A) I have a hard time trusting people I don't know who's offering me drinks I don't know what's in, and B) he lives in a forest. WHY OH WHYYYYYYYYY. *angry fist*
we lay and talked about piercings, and suddenly, we both got this urge to get pierced. Jamie became really obsessed with the thought about angelbites. so after a while of going it over and over, he decided to find a needle and do it on himself. and IT GOT SO PRETTYYYYYYYY. like, omg, I think it looks so amazing. I love piercings. today, I'm getting pierced too, my cheeks this time, wish me luck!