"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"

so how's everything hanging, guys? I'm sitting here in my way too messy room, listening to the rain and having a cigarette. just finished editing some pics, and one of them is up on DeviantArt, together with a poem I posted a week ago or so. I've been hanging out with Emilia, one of my dear friends, whom I've mentioned a lot, hahah. we haven't seen each other in a while... so when I saw her again, I was overjoyed. <3
we went for a walk in the local park, and just talked. most of it was about deeper things, and I learned some things about her I didn't know, even though we have been one of each other's best mates in two years! it was so lovely to see her again. we kinda have some of the same thoughts about serious matters, and some things about our past is very much alike, especially when it comes to our mums and all the thoughts you have as a child. I'm not saying my mum is bad, she's more than I ever could wish for now. <3 she's so supportive of who I am by now, but we had our problems when I was younger. it was around the time I was severely depressed, she could scold me for doing all kinds of things, that didn't make sense. but she did it because she was under pressure of her former husband, who died a year and a half ago. so it went out on me, because he wasn't fond of me... so when he scolded me for the most random things, she would agree, or just sit back and watch, for his sake. it's kind of tragic, isn't it.. I was with a girl at the time, and he was pretty much, like... REALLY homophobic, when I think of it, and when my mother told him I was in a relationship with a girl, he just rolled his eyes. if he knew me know, as I'm out about being transgender, he would probably not contact me or talk to me, if he lived.

I've been trying to write this entry a bunch of times now, but I don't really know if it gets too personal, so I'll leave it. I just wanted to write about my past, and what I've gone through. but it's too close to me (obviously, since it was my life), and stings way too painfully. I'm actually in a great mood, though! I've felt amazingly blissful the entire day, and I've had this thought in my head all awake hours, that I'm so grateful to be alive. <3
but anyway, it's too close, everything, so I'll write about my everyday, as usual. lol.

what have I been doing since the last time I wrote here?
I've been to Pride, for an instant. I've been drunk, been high a few times, been tired as fuck, and I've enjoyed my life. pretty much the average life of a teenage boy, huh? :'D

I haven't taken my testosterone booster in a pretty long time, since I've been too scared to take it. only two of my classmates know I'm transgender, and I'm kind of scared of coming out. at first, I was in the closet, then I came out to EVERYONE, and now I'm partly back in the closet. BOOH! it really sucks in there. but the two girls I came out to, though, were really accepting, and asked me a bunch of things, to get to know more about it. it was nice, being fully accepted.
but I'm starting up on the booster again tomorrow, and then eventually, I'll come out to the rest. I'm trying to wake up as early as possible, and go to the gym before school, if I can manage it. I really need to get more bulky! D: not because it's stereotypically male, but because that's how I want to be. skinny, but with a touch of muscles. oh la laaaa. <3

I'm currently looking at fonts for my (probably) next tattoo, which I'm planning on getting this week, if my brother isn't occupied. it was actually planned to be my first tat, but I got some others instead before it.. but it's about time I get it now. my brother is also getting it, and it's going to be a tattoo in honour of him, and life itself. it's "memento mori" I'm getting, on my nape. I can't wait... <3 my fiancé's getting tattooed this Wednesday, and I can't wait to see the result. I can imagine what couple we'll end up being in the future; heavily tattooed, pierced, open-minded, with a small dog, in a really shitty apartment. and honestly, I'm looking forward to that time. <3

at the moment, there's a quote from the movie, "Girl, Interrupted" stuck on my mind. sometimes, I still do believe that my mum wish I wasn't around. she used to call tell me daily, that she regretted not having an abortion when she was pregnant, and that things would be easier if I were dead. she told me that daily at the time I was severely depressed, which only increased everything I felt. I still, from time to time, connect to the old thoughts, that it would be better for her if I wasn't here.
I used sex as a form of hurting myself at a time, and slept with a lot of random persons during a passage of time. it was kind of weird. but I felt dirty and horrible afterwards everytime, and I ended up wounded.

"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"

never guessed it got this good.

it's been a while since I wrote (again, I'm becoming a slacker when it comes to blogging), but I feel like writing right now. I've written several entries I just haven't posted, because I've only written around half of what I wanted to get out. but this time, I'll post!
so as you can see on the picture, I've gotten my beloved tattoo, Sputnik 1. <3 I'm super stoked. it didn't hurt at all, but I could feel it more when he was near my elbow though. but not painful. I'm getting so hooked on tattoos, it's crazy. and having a boyfriend who also loves tattoos, it's sure damn hard to not get new ones, because we talk about it all the fucking time. he's thinking about buying a tattoo starters kit, so I'm thinking.. Ceciiiiil, get over here... and make something on me, yes? <3
but seriously, I'm stoked about this Sputnik.

I've started at my new school, K.U.B.A, and I fucking love every damn bit of it. my classmates are absolutely fucking amazing, and I enjoy the things we do in class. so far, we've written essays, poems, articles, and short stories. I really feel like I could evovle here. and the guys there...! fuck, they are so sweet and I can really imagine becoming good friends with a lot of them. I couldn't be more satisfied than I am! <3
been spending a lot of time after school at a bar called Floss, together with my classmates. it's extremely nice.. but one thing is bothering me... I haven't come out to them yet, about being transgender. but I'm not afraid anymore, really. I've told one of the girls about it, but I don't think she really understood. but it's okay, really. but I plan on doing it soon, and they all already call me Damien, which is super nice.

I've loved Audrey Kawasaki's painting in a year or more now, but these days, I feel so fucking inspired by her. which results in... tattoos. lol. I'm getting a backpiece of one of her paintings in the future. but it's all so damn inspiring, and I love them all.

I don't think I have much more to say right now, but I hope you all are enjoying yourselves. I certainly am! oh, and I'll try to get better at blogging. btw, I've made a new blog for my personal project at K.U.B.A - my poetry. the link is;
damiens-scribbles.blogspot.com. I could really use some opinions, so please leave a comment!

I can see your perfect world.

SO WHADDUPZ, GUIZE? it's been a really long time since my last entry, hasn't it? to be frank, I've been in a rush all the fucking time, but in a good way. I've done so many things, had cozy times with my friends, been occupied with my boyfriend, intaken too much alcohol (it was summer vacation, so I guess it's okay, haha), and just laughed and had an incredible time. I have so much to tell, I don't even know where to start! there will probably lie a bunch of pictures ahead, haha. urgh, I'm feeling joyful.
the last time I wrote here, I was leaving for London. it's like... a month and 2 weeks ago. I went with a good friend of mine, Emilia, and it was absolutely fantabulous! I had such a great time. we pretty much didn't get to see any tourist-y things, as we originally wanted to, but instead, we shopped a lot. like... really, a lot. I had a boner after Vivienne Westwood shops, and the last day we were in London, I used all my left-over money and bought a pair of pants and a t-shirt from her brand. then my wang got happy, hahahahahahha. I only had 15 pounds left when we took the flight home. also bought a lot of other clothing, and saw the most incredible shop ever. Cyberdog, it's called, and even though I'm not cyber, I have periods where I'm absolutely LOVING bright colors! so I bought a pair of strong mint green pants from there, and I'm so happy I bought them. then, I bought a lot of other bright clothes from small random shops at Camden. smoked hookah with Emilia one of the days too, and just sat there in the hookah café and felt blissful. and we took a bunch of pictures too! <3

what else.. now that I have to write everything I've done down, I can't remember any of it, haha. OH, I remember one thing, the main thing I wanted to write about, but that'll come later!
went to some parties with my friends and my boyfriend, and have been out at bars a lot. also, just being the two of us, just sitting in my mum's kitchen, being in love and drinking red wine. it's been lovely, it really has. but I'm cutting down on my alcohol intake now, since I'm starting in school TOMORROOOOOW. more about that later!
the main thing... oh yeah... wanna now? I'm - oh yes - ENGAGED!! so actually, he's not only my boyfriend now, but my fiancé. <3 and I'm so proud to call him mine. he's the sweetest thing ever, though we sometime annoy the shit out of each other because we've pretty much been together 24/7, ever since I came home from London. like.. the only time we're not together, is when one of us is using the bathroom. as crazy as it sounds, it's been just what I needed, being with him all the time.
off tracks - I'M ENGAGED! LIKE-- FOR REALZ! and I couldn't be happier. we went for a walk a late night on the 20th of July, and he was very focused on the road we walked, like he was kind of distant. but we just walked and chatted with each other, hand in hand. he wanted to go to the bench we had our first kiss on.. and I was all made of "okay, sure". sitting on that bench in the dark, we talked for a while. then he said "there's something I need to ask you...", and suddenly, he was on one knee, holding a ring I've wanted in 3 months, and looked at me with his gentle eyes, saying "Damien, would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?". couldn't help but squeal, and so I did, ahahaah. I yelled yes, and he put the ring on my finger. then we kissed, hugged, and I felt so much alive. SO I'M ENGAGED, MOFOS! (even though the ring is broken..)

cut my hair a while ago, and after that, I've been passing much more. it's fucking incredible, and I'm overjoyed. I have this rockabilly inspired hairstyle now, and I've gotten my bridge piercing again. but yeah.. I've been passing a lot more! when I've been out with my boyfriend, the cashiers have been all like "boys, boys! it's your turn now! boys, what do you want in your sandwich?"-like, and so on. it's fucking real, this is. and I get beyond happy everytime it happens, which is quite often by now.
I've also started on Tribulus! ARGH WOO! it's taking it slowly, the things I want, but I think that's the best. I'm starting to get sideburns/slight beard (not enough to shave off though, but fuzz that I haven't had before), and my hair is starting to grow darker on my arms. my voice has dropped JUUUUUUUST a bit, not much at all, but it's there! it's fucking splendid. I'm talking with my psychiatrist either this Tuesday, or the next, about whether or not he would support me if I started on testosterone. but he's a douchebag to the core, so I don't really know... I'm more than scared that he's going to say no. but if he says yes, I'll send try to get a refferal. WOOP! :'D

I've also gotten a new tattoo! it expands over both of my lower inner arms, saying "home could be anywhere" on one of them, and on the other, "when I am holding you". I fucking adore it. it wasn't even painful, and I'm in love with them. I'm getting tattooed again on Wednesday, GO ME! this time, it's at another shop, by a guest tattooist. I'm getting a small picture of Sputnik 1 tattooed on the outer side of my lower arm, and probably with a banner and some text. the price is really high, when thinking about it being a small tattoo, but the artist is really incredible, so I don't mind it. I fucking can't wait! you will definitely get to see it as soon as I get it done.

the second of August, my boyfriend and I went to out and experienced probably one of the most romantic things I've yet to indulge in. it was amazing. first, we had booked a superior room at Hotel Imperial, and it was just.. too luxorious to explain. we had brought along homemade chocolate-covered strawberries, a BUNCH of candles and Asti. we got a bottle of Cava with us, with the superior room. then we ate at a restaurant called Cassiopeia, just by the Planetarium in Copenhagen, with view over the lakes. the food was amazing. then we originally had to go see a film in the cinema, but we cancelled it. an hour later, we sat in our tub at the hotel, with candlelights all over, Asti and chocolate-covered strawberries and music. it was beyond.. everything, really. <3

then the day after, we went to our residency's hut in Tisvilde, him, Emma, Laura, Nanna and I. it was also really lovely, even though I got really scared and had to close my eyes in the evening all the time, because I was afraid of the dark. I'm such a pussy, but I'm really frightened by darkness. we also went to Sweden one of the days in Tisvilde!

I should actually go to bed, I'm starting at my new school tomorrow, and it's a quarter to 2 in the middle of the night. I'm starting up at the writer's line! <3 can't wait, I hope it's going to be awesome. while I'm really excited, I'm also really nervous. but it's going to be good. :]
Wednesday, new tattoo.
and then Saturday, I'm going to a burlesque show in Copenhagen, together with Emilia. before that, I'm meeting up with an old friend of mine I haven't seen in, what, two years. so I'm excited!

oh.. no pictures as promised. too lazy, and I need to go to bed. I'll promise I'll write more often from now on! I hope all of you guys take care of yourselves. <3