all I ever wanted to do was to fall in love. just to be in love.

I've had some pretty fun evenings, the last 2 days. not this one, it's actually been kinda boring and I haven't done anything in particular. and I've used al the money that I had, which sucks extremely much. but they were well spent.
Friday, Nanna and I was bored during the day, and decided to go out later that evening. so we drank at our residency (even though we're not allowed to, such crimeriders we are, herpderp) and listened to random music, while getting ready. listened to a lot of punk goes pop, hahahah. it's good, I don't care what you guys will tell me.
then we went to Vela around 9 PM, and came as some of the first guests. there was only 2 other guests besides us. then we pretty much sat there and drank a lot of shots, so I ended up being ridiculously drunk. kinda lame, because it wasn't my intention. I was just a complete goofball, so nanna took care of me. there's a lot from that evening I can't remember. apparently, when we got home, I fell onto Nanna's floor, and just lay there. she even has a picture of it. and I honestly, I swear I can't remember anything. but I laughed a lot when I saw the picture!
then we got home, and we went online at Chatroulette, telling people I was a dude. no one believed us. ): sadface. one of the guys there was like ".. really? are you really a boy.? dude, YOU NEED TO GO TO THE GYM", HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. it was pretty epic!
and I ate like... a half pizza for myself in the middle of the night, before going to bed. pretty gross, but I was hungry and drunk. hahah.

then saturday, I had hangovers, but we decided to go out once again, this time, Club Christopher. we had to meet up with her friend, Minna, at 10 PM, even though the club opened at 12 PM. so we ran around at strøget and sat different places on the street, and holy fuck it was cold! I felt like I was about to die, hahah. it was horrible, and I couldn't feel my toes nor fingers. really horrible.
but yeah.. got inside, and rushed for a place to sit. I'm afraid Minna felt left outside, because it was mostly just Nanna and I who talked. got some drinks (MIKKEL'S SPECIAL *thumbs up*), and just sat there, looking at this extremely slutty girl who practically showed her panties to everyone, and danced dirty with everyone. it was pretty lame. we also danced a little, not as much as I wanted though. took some pictures. all in all, had a good time.
it was just annoying that one of us always had to be seated, or else someone would take our seats. so we were almost always only 2 or 1 seated, because then one had to go pee, smoke or get drinks.
we left around 4:20, I think, and was home around 5. I had a really great night. <3

I have done nothing today. my highlight of the day, was writing with Jamie. I can write about that later, not about everything we wrote about, but some.
but I slept until dinner, which meant I had no hangovers left, since I had slept them all out. WOOH! <3 go me, hahah. then I've hung out with Laura and David for a while, but went downstairs to my own room after a while.

yeah, wrote with Jamizzle. I started crying at one point, because I missed everything we once had. I'm not over him, and I honestly don't think I'll be. I talk about him all the time, and I think about him before going to bed. he's my soulmate.. never met anyone like him. we wrote about the old days, and how we missed what we once had. he wrote some things that really mattered to me, about my gender. that he don't give a fuck if I'm FTM or what I am, and that meant a lot to me. it really did. we also wrote about why he broke up the last time. and it feels so good to have some of the things settled now.
we're going to meet up in Copenhagen on Tuesday, since he want to get his ears done (lobe scalpelling, ouch) and then we're gonna eat something together. it's gonna be nice, and I'm looking forward to seeing him.

tomorrow, I'm going to the hairdresser with Emilia, since she has to get her hair bleached and dyed. I'm looking forward to seeing her, mhm. <3 she's an amazing friend, really. we have so much fun when we're together, and I hope we'll never grow apart.

and somewhere in this week, I'm going to see Cecil, YAY-FUCKING-ZIES!! I so can't wait. <3 that person matters everything to me, even though we don't talk that much together anymore. we call eachother some times a week, and write with each other when we both are online. sometimes, we text each other. but really, even though we don't talk as much as we used to, when we were younger, she's the person I love the most in the whole world. I'd give her everything, if I could. we bully each other alot, but we don't mean a thing we say. Cecil is that kind of best friend, that even though we live hours away from each other and don't talk that much, we both know that we'll always be there for each other, in hard and good times. it's amazing. SHE is amazing. I love you so muuuuch. <3 you'll always be my BFF. LAWLZLAWLZLAWLZ.

yesterday, I wore a dress for some hours, and I felt so odd and uncomfortable. like I was hiding myself. it felt odd.. so I changed my outfit to something more like me, and it was great. I can't wait to go to the LGBT meeting on Thursday.

oh, and Nevershoutnever is fucking awesome.

getting off my chest, the story ends.

today has been a really good day, I've kept myself busy and I have laughed a lot. I feel better than I've done in a long time. but there's still these thoughts that bugs the hell out of me, and it's really annoying and frustrating. there's 2 things on my mind, but I don't feel like talking about it right now. but maybe later in the entry.

my mum came over at 3 PM to help me tidy my room, but it wasn't that bad this time. it was really nice to see her again, even though I was really tired and didn't talk much. but it's nice and clean in here, so I'm good. she left pretty early, though. then I hurried up and took a shower, because Emilia came over. I've had such a great day with her. like, really, and she made me feel temporarely happy. at first, we just hung out at my room for an hour, just talking about random stuff and all that jazz we usually do. oh yeah, and we fooled around with PhotoBooth. it was so much fun, and we took some crazy-ass pictures! maybe I'll post them on Facebook, and the video. oh god, the video is amazing. we're such goofballz.
then we decided to go grab something to eat, so we went for Running Sushi. it was so delicious, and I got pretty full. it's our second time eating sushi together, nom nom. sitting there, and being totally gross, hahahaha.
then, because I had a consolation at the Copenhagen's LGBT team, we went to Rådhuspladsen. pretty much got lost on our way to the counselor, even though it was right ahead of us. after some time, we found it and got up there.
they told me to come back again next week, though. I talked with a man, for about 5 minutes, and he said I should rather talk to one of the transsexual counselors instead, but there wasn't anyone on work that day. so yeah.. mission not accomplished. I had looked so much forward to talking with someone, so it was pretty much a bummer for me. but then, next week is the week!

after the 5 minutes of counselling, we left. then we went to New Yorker, where I bought this t-shirt and a pair of boxers. the t-shirt is really cool! I'll wear it tomorrow, and probably take a picture of it. hahah.
went home with Emilia, and ate pancakes at my residency. then we hung out with Nanna and Jonas. Emilia left, and then I hung out with the guys + Frederik and Laura. it was a pretty nice evening. now I'm just online, even though no one is online. I want to talk to some of the persons closest to me right now,... but everyone is asleep (even though it's not that late) and I don't want to bother them.

my mind is filled up with thoughts. and it's overwhelming, and I can't control them. as of lately, I feel like my body is not fit for me. like I should see something else, when I looked in the mirror. I like my body though, I think it LOOKS good, but it's just not mine. I don't belong in here. and it confuses me a hella lot. because I dress girly too. but it's just been a very long time since I last dressed girly. am I just having a very boyish time of my life?
that was one of the things I had on my mind.

the other..
I know it's not about me, so I won't even get my hopes up. and I can't help but feel sad, knowing that.

I knew you were a liar. I knew you were a liar from the start.

I had to go to my Japanese lessons today, but I bailed, because I slept over. and yeah.. it's in the middle of the afternoon, but that's how much I sleep. I slept until 6:30 PM today, as I do quite often these days. and I'm still tired. I just want to sleep my days away sometimes. but I also wanted to go to my Japanese lessons, but I was simply too tired.. so yeah. I slept until 6:30, and then I got up, ate dinner, and went online. did some laundry, since I have no clean box0rz left, and I feel awkward and sad these days, if I wear girl's underwear. it's rather weird. :0
then Laura got home, and I went up to her room. she got a stationary computer now, so we can play Sims, hahahahhahah! it's the only reason why she got that computer. it's pretty awesome for me though, because I love playing Sims. fail, I know. :'D but you can do so many awesome stuff in that game! like, get babies with aliens and shit like that. pretty cool.
and then I've pretty much done nothing else. kind of a boring day, I'll admit.

lately, I've started to re-listen to L.O.C, STFU HE'S A PERFECTLY FINE ARTIST, AND I ADORE HIS MUSIC. but seriously, it's great. I absolutely LOVE the "Melankolia" album, it's extraordinary. "Hvorfor vil du ikk'", "Tortur" and "Fuck mig nu" are amazing songs, really. I don't care what others think of his music, I find it great. it seems like everybody is hating on him, hahah. at least my friends do.

I'm going to change my first name soon, in the next months that will come. I really can't wait. I'm going to be named "Skye", as I've wanted since I heard the name for the first time. I'm going to talk to them about changing into "boy"' names, because Laura knows a girl, who's name is Jerry now, which is not an unisex name. if I could get every name in the world, I would be Damien, without a doubt. so I'm going to talk to them about it. if I can't be Damien, I'll just be Skye. and that works for me, too. but I really hope I can do it like Jerry did, and change into a boy's name...
my family is okay with me getting a new name btw. or, my mum is, but it's pretty much her opinion that matters to me. she knows how much it means to me. I love my mum. she's really understanding, and supportive of pretty much everything I do and feel. it's amazing, she has become an amazing mother.

sometimes, I wonder why people can cope with all the crap I do.. I'm writing with this really sweet girl, I think I mentioned her in my previous entry, and I feel like such a douchebag towards her. I've admitted that I flirt with a lot of others, that there are chances that I might fall for them and all that jazz, and about my mental disorders and gender dysphoria, and she's still there. I really don't get it. I'm such a douchebag. and she's still understanding, and doesn't hate me, even though she knows there are chances I might fall for others. I really, really, really don't get it.
but she's so sweet and urgh. but she lives so far away, pretty much as far away as you can get.

tomorrow, I'm going to see a counsellor at the LGBT team in Denmark, and I really can't wait. hopefully, I'll get to talk some of my troubles and worries out, and feel less tangled up in all these thoughts.

but I can change, my cocoon shedding.

so these days have been okay. I'm going crazy about one thing, that completely shatters my mind, and it's horrifying. I can't think straight because of it, and I've talked with some friends about it, and I've written a slightly angry entry on Girlfriend/boyfriend.dk about it. bt not everyone seems to get it. I'll write about that later.

but yeah, the past few days have been good, besides that. Saturday, I woke up at my mum's place, and got ready to meet up with Laura and David. I love hanging out with those guys, even though they can make me feel rather lonely from time to time, because they're always cuddling. third wheel much, eh?
we went to this little café I've mentioned previously, "Big Apple", to buy cupcakes. but there was NONE. they had all been sold. ): too bad, they're like... really, really good. and cute. I want them, right now! ): buh. but anyway, I bought a chicken sandwich, and a juice, while Laura bought a muffin and David bought both. the sandwich was really delicious, btw. OMG, I'm so boring, I know!
then David went to visit his friends, while Laura and I headed home. we just chillaxed at our residency, and made nothing, really. just had fun, ate some dinner. David had told us he would come over later, which, in the night, caused a lot of drama.

then we decided to get drunk, and went looking for peepz to drink with us. but we ended up, just the two of us, since we also wanted to talk about private stuff. bought some vodka, and drank the rest of our Malibu, and some ciders. we couldn't get the ciders open, because it wasn't twist off-caps.. so we tried the weirdest ways ever, including a radiator. it didn't work out. so we found a can-opener, and after a lot of die-hard-tryings, we got them open, hahahah.
but yeah... we both ended up pretty wasted. I think she was. and I was, oh boy, I was. but we had some deep talks, when we were surprisingly drunk. we talked for... forever, about genders, and how I felt and how she saw me. it was nice, and she completely got me. I think. and she made some really great points, too. I love talking with her, about deeper stuff and random things too. but she really puts her soul in it, when we're talking about serious subjects.
I btw got the most rude thing ever slapped in my face, by a guy I've only talked with once, can't even remember what he looks like. but Laura had been at David's friend's place, where he also was, and she mentioned me briefly. he simply responded "oh yeah, Ditte, that dyke?". Laura tried to explain to him that I am into all genders, but he kept calling me a dyke, and that you definitely could see it on me, that I'm also into girls. and because I've slept with girls, he claimed that I am a "dyke". I got fucking pissed when Laura told me about that conversation. I'm not "just a dyke". I am so much more than that. and I'm into all genders, so I'm not even lesbian, as he claimed, with his degrading words. "dyke". fuck off, don't even call me that, you don't know who I am. I got furious at one point.

then there was some drama between David and Laura. I don't really want to say what happened, because.. I just don't. hahah. but they're cool again, luckily.

I slept all Sunday away, because I was hangovered. then today, Monday, I went to my mum's place, where I still am. it's been really nice, and we ate cake, hahaha. fat kitty. but I've had a lovely evening.

I've started writing with a girl.. and she's really sweet, understanding and interesting. but she lives in Jutland. but she's just so cute.

and about the thing I wrote about earlier.. it's the usual, gender-issues. I wrote a really long post about it, but I decided to delete it all. and I feel like crying, like I'm hiding a dirty secret, and I really need someone to talk to, who would understand me. I am not so sure about who I am anymore, it's like my identity is vanishing, step by step. and it sucks, really. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to Jamie, because I have a feeling that he might understand me. but I feel like, if I tried to tell him, I wouldn't know what to say, because of all the thoughts inside my head. I'm writing briefly with Cecil about it right now... but Jamie, if you see this and I haven't contacted you, please write to me, okay?

now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick, and it's all in my head, but she's touching his chest.

I've lost a lot of weight recently, it seems. Nanna is bullying me with saying that I might disappear into the wind and stuff like that. but I like it this way. I haven't done it intentionally, it's more by accident I've lost weight. it's because I sleep my days away, and only eat 1 to 2 meals a day, depending on how bored I am. I mostly eat when I'm bored, which is a pretty bad habit, but I don't have to deal with it right now, since I've always lost weight. I've lost at least 3 kgs.
and I'm going to loose more. because I've promised my contact person that I would start running with her (the weather just needs to get better though), and I'm getting my tongue pierced back again. that means I'll only be able to eat youghurt for a week. I couldn't eat anything else the last time, and I decided to take it out after only 3 days, because I was so annoyed by it. and also some other reasons. at that point, I wasn't that comfortable with my body, and was afraid that if I only ate youghurt, I would fall into some bad habits I've had. but I'm looking forward to getting that piercing again! the only thing that's keeping me away from getting it, is that I am afraid I can't eat normally, and the food I've chewed on will lay below the ball, and that's pretty gross. and also, because I'm afraid I'll get too many piercings in my face with it, but on the other hand, it's a piercing which is hidden. so yeah..

I'm at my mum's place again, since there wasn't really anyone home at my residency. and my energizer is dead, due to over-heating, and I can't afford a new one, so I went home to borrow my sister's instead. it beats sitting at my residency with no computer, no friends, and no entertaintment at least. it's pretty good here, even though there's no things I wanna do here, haha.

the day before yesterday, I went to the cinema with some peepz from my residency, to watch that new movie, The Tourist, starring Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. mhhhmm. <3 pleasant, I tell you, pleasant. I have a dirty little thing for Angelina Jolie, but I mean... who doesn't? she's fricking hot. anyway, off topic. I went there with Jonas, Frederik, Nanna and Kim.
the movie was entertaining and all, and I liked it, but I wasn't like "OMG BEST MOVIE EVUUUURZ!!!" at all. and then, Jonas also made some points that made the movie look completely ridiculous, so.. yeah. he wasn't impressed.

then I went home, and Emilia came over, around 9 PM or so. she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and she was really devastated. so Laura and I wanted to cheer her up, and I actually think we suceeded. we bought some Malibu, Coca Cola, and then some chocolate coated marshmallow treats (which, apparently, were too old). then we listened to some music, and just talked about random stuff, which seemed to make her feel a little better. she also laughed a lot, actually. but she's together with her boyfriend again now, and I hope they'll work things out.

wow, this is the shortest entry I've made in a really long time. :0

I'll show you grace like you've never seen.

I'm sitting here at my mother's place, listening to Of Mice and Men (which btw is really great music, nom nom) and nomming Pepsi Max. surprisingly, it's not Cola Zero, for the first time in a long time. I'm addicted to that shit. it's so ridiculous, and so expensive in the long run! D:

so yesterday, I met up with Jamie, since he was going to the doctor. and you know what? YES. HE GOT A FUCKING YES!!!! I am so happy, it's amazing and incredible and I'm so happy for him. it's.. I can't even express it in words, but more like sounds instead. WAAAAAOOOOHHHHH! but I didn't cry, which really surprised me, haha. but it's fucking rad, awesome, amazing, etc., and I'm so happy for him. I'm also glad he took me with him, it meant so much to me. because it was him, and because I still care so much about him, and also because I still don't know what I am, and transsexuality is still an open suggestion, though I really don't know if I am yet. it's weird. I'd prefer to be male, and I really wish I was, but I think I can live with being in a girl's body. or.. I don't know. some days it's unbearable. so it meant a lot to me when I saw his face and how happy he got, knowing that things are going in the right direction, and that you can get through it. it's amazing, really.
then we also just hung out at the central station, which was really nice for me, I've missed hanging out with him. and there were so much free crap, it was unbelievable! you could even get free butter, wtf...
then I hung out with Laura when I came home.

today, I went to Strøget with Laura since I needed some things. new boxers, caps and baseball tees. I have a thing for baseball shirts. I think the design is so AWESOME, and I'm really glad about the two I've bought today. one of them is blue, and the other one is grey and black. then I bought two caps, since I've been wanting caps for.. half a year or something like that. so I bought one in babyblue, and one in black, and then I'm gonna write on them. then I bought 5 pairs of boxers. btw, the shirts I bought only costs 80 DKK at Wasteland, check it out before the sale is gone! and I also found a robot-ring, but I couldn't fit it. :( my fingers were too small.. *sadface*
then Laura and I went to this little cafe named "Big Apple", and got the most delicious cupcakes ever. I got one with chocolate flavor, and she got one with orange. they were so cute btw! and really nom. I felt a bit scene while eating it, I must admit, hahaha. but it was delicious! and the guy behind the counter was really kind and open, and asked us a lot of random stuff. it was pretty nice, it felt like he was in a good mood.

then I got home, slept some hours, took a shower, ate, and then had a smoke with Nanna, Camilla and Jonas. it was pretty nice, they're great people. :D then I packed some things and went home to my mother's place. watched some movie with Dina, Mette and Rikke. and then I've pretty much just been online all night, haha. :D

they don't call it the south for nothing.

HELLZ YEAH, I'm wearing a fucking bandana. ahahahah. I thought it looked kind of cool. saw some dude wearing it, and kind of wanted to try it out. I think it looks okay, but it would be better if my hair was longer.. idk. I liked it. :D
oh, and that weird accumulation of blood on my earlobe. it looks really nasty, and I hope it'll go away by itself. I'll probably go to my piercer tomorrow, since I have to shorten my left labret. then I can ask Martin what's up with my earlobe, and what I can do about it. but it's only if I have the time that I can get it checked. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow, and I really don't want to. I don't think I have any holes, actually I've never had, but it's because I'm afraid that they'll say "TAKE OUT YOUR PIERCINGS!" like the last time I was there. it's because I can't take out my piercings alone, because I can't put them back in by myself. it's pretty fail.. so I won't risk that. I'm not really afraid of dentists. I just don't like getting scanned, because it hurts like fuck, because I have a pretty small mouth, and the thingey you have to bite down on is too big for me. the last time I got scanned, I cried due to the pain. and it's at 11 AM.. where I normally am fast asleep, so I have to wake up really early. due to the fucking dentist.

my mum came over today, to help me tidy my room as she does every week. it's been some weeks ago since she came over, so there was pretty messy.. it's not only because I'm lazy that I don't tidy, but it's also because of my schizophrenia, that I can't. I simply can't put myself together to do the everyday things I need. I've managed to learn how to take care of myself, as meant in taking showers and keeping clean. even though some weeks ago, I was pretty nasty, because I felt depressed and couldn't get myself to do such basic things. I still haven't learned how to tidy by myself, but it'll come. I wish I could tidy my room by myself, and I actually kind of admire people who can do that. it's a weird little thing.

but anyway, she came over and helped me, so my room is clean and tidy now. it's fantastic, I really like it this way. I even got to do laundry, I'm so good. hahah. *high five*
because I had to take the bus at 6:38 PM, we couldn't eat together with my residency, they eat at 6:30 PM. so we went to buy me some sushi, residing right across the street, and my mum some mexican burger. the sushi wasn't that great, and I felt nauseaous while eating it, because of the consistence, which sucked, since I really enjoy sushi. and my mum's burger was also pretty bad, so she swore herself she won't eat there ever again, hahah. I had to go to my Japanese lessons, and she followed me all the way, which was really sweet of her. I love my mum. <3

the Japanese lessons... I don't know. I knew some of the stuff, but there was also things I hadn't learned. I haven't learned how to bend the "-te verbs", and that's pretty much what the entire lesson was all about. which sucked, since I didn't understand that. I've learned a bit about it, self-taught when I translated songs at a point, but I don't get when you use "imasu" and "-te". I understand reading it, but I don't know how to make the sentences with "-te". and it didn't help that I still haven't ordered my Japanese book. -___-

met Laura on the way home, and then we just hung out for an hour and a half, looking at hawt-ass boys. it was really nice. and now, I'll probably go look for some more hawt-ass boys, since I've found the perfect tumblr-page for it. mhm-hm. <3

in case I don't write a blog tomorrow evening.. I'm going to a specialized doctor with Jamie on Thursday. I can't wait, and on the other hand, I'm so nervous. it's about if it's possible that he can start up on T. I can't wait to hear what the doctor said, but I'm also scared as hell. if he gets a thumbs up from the doctor, I'm afraid I'm gonna cry of happiness. if he gets a no, I'm afraid I'm gonna cry like a little baby. I really hope the doctor will say yes. I'm crossing every little part of me.
it's been a little over a month since the last time I saw him. and I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. also because it means a lot to me, that he wants me to go with him. hell, everything about the doctor's means a lot to me. I really care about this.

I miss the grinded concrete when we sat past eight or nine, and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights.

I slept at my mum's place last night, which was night. woke up in the middle of the night and watched this movie called "American Gun". I missed the first hour of it, but it was actually pretty good, good enough for me to stay up and watch the rest of it. it was about guns and weapons in the United States, and it was pretty cool. it was about 3 families, I think, and weapons. one of the families consisted of a mother and a brother of a boy who comitted mass-murder at a school. I'll definitely try to watch the whole flick someday, when I have the time.
woke up at her place, and took a shower and got ready pretty quickly. then I went to Nørreport, where I met up with Emilia.
and oh god, emilia. she's so cute, and I could hug her to death because of what she did today. because I don't have a valentine this year ( )': ), she had bought me a huge-ass teddy bear, a box of heartshaped chocolate candies and a pink rose. I felt extremely happy, pleased and loved, and she's an incredible friend for doing that. simply, I was overwhelmed. it was so sweet of her, especially when she knows I feel pretty sucky about myself right now. but it's things like these that makes me want to keep on fighting and living. and she's so lovely she did that to me. really, I felt blessed with love from others, I can turn to. I don't think I could actually show her how much I appreciated it, but I really did... I was just too overwhelmed to figure out what to say, other thank "thank you". so again, Emilia, thank you endlessly for being such an amazing friend. <3 I love you.

we got to my place, and I know I seemed kind of off today. but my mind where just somewhere else all the fucking time, which was really annoying, and I have no idea why. but we went for a walk, and it was really cozy and nice, and I bought her some cake, too. it was the least I could do. but I hope she had a good time, even though I was so off all the fucking time. it was really nice to see her again, it's been 2 weeks since the last time I saw her.

then I had to meet up with a girl I've written with as a friend in a long time, but it all messed up. first, we had planned to meet at Ungeren, and I had (and still have) no idea how to get there, since I've never been there and don't intend to go there. then we had to meet at Bellahøj, but she had to go before I got there, so off I went again, this time to the city hall. finally, we met up, for 20 minutes only or so, because she had to leave with her school. she's from Fyn and is only in Copenhagen for the next two days, so we didn't have time to hang out. but it was nice to meet her, we've written together even before I met Jamie, so it was about time.

then I got home, hung out with Laura and David for 20 minutes, and then I hung out with Emma. I rarely see Emma anymore. it's really sad, and I miss the old times, where we hung out constantly. but now she has gotten a boyfriend, and has no time for me anymore. I miss the old times, where we would do crazy things together, drink and do awesome shit. I really miss it. but now, she claims she's not bisexual anymore, and she won't go to gay-clubs with me anymore. I miss when we would dress up and go to Vela and drink us beyond drunk and talk to random dudes on the streets. it was so much fun.
she's in a serious relationship, and is soon getting her boyfriend's first letter of his name on her ancle. and when his boyfriend turns 19, which he does in less than a month, they're even going to get engaged. and really? I'm honestly envious. I wish I could have that. I thought I could have that with that special someone. I feel rather.. well, not sad, but something close to that, when I think about it. they love each other so much, and they are both sure that they are gonna last forever. I'm happy for her, but bitter that I can't have it.

I've gotten this weird bruise or something, right underneath one of my stretches. it looks like an accumulation of blood. it's really gross, and I don't know why it's there. is it normal? or should I go talk to my piercer about it? it seems odd. haven't seen it before. or will it go away with time?
I can't wait to get them bigger, even though I don't want them that big. maybe 10-11mm-ish? what do you guys think? it that too big?

I have one of those days, where I want to pray to whatever deity there is out there, about my gender. I don't believe in any deities, but still... I feel incomplete, and like a failure. I like the thought of being able to shave my face, grow sideburns. liking my own body, scrawny and with muscles. deep voice. it's not that I want to be WITH a guy like that. (or well, I wouldn't mind). but it's because I want to BE that guy. and that annoys the shit out of me. I think it would have been easier if I was just born a boy. I'd probably be more comfortable with myself, but I can't know that for sure. but what I love about hanging out with Jonas and Frederik and Stefan, is that they treat me like one of the guys. and honestly? it feels amazing. it really does.

sad overwhelms, my feelings drown, and oh I feel dependent.

so yeah, 2 new things; I've dyed my hair dark brown, and I've gotten stretches in my earlobes! woopdifuckinghoo. even though I was really satisfied with my blonde hair, it damaged it so much, and since I'm growing my hair out, I couldn't bleach it anymore, because it would break off. so dark hair for me. eventually, it'll become my natural haircolor. I'm actually feeling pretty comfortable with this color, even though I look like a complete emofag. when I met up with Laura and David earlier today, David greeted me by saying "what's up, emo". and Emilia tells me I look like emo. which is probably true, but wtf. I like it this way, and it'll get lighter with time.

today was my Mum's birthday, so I had to wake up at 8:30 to surprise her. she really didn't see it coming. my sister, Mikkel and I went outside at 9, where we met up with my uncle, his wife, 2 aunts and their husbands, my cousin, and my brother. then we stood outside my mother's kitchen window, and one, two, three, we began to sing "happy birthday" as loud as we could. she came to the window, and immediately stormed away. then we got inside, and found her crying. she was so overwhelmed, and it was really cute. she had no idea that people would do that for her. so it was happy tears. then we ate breakfast all of us together, which was really nice and I actually enjoyed it. then she recieved her presents, a day at a spa, and some other things from the family. she was really overwhelmed all the time.
my aunt btw gave me the best compliment ever! she told me that she thinks of me as the female version of Peter Pan. and you had no idea how happy that made me, Peter Pan is my true hero, and I adore everything about that story. so it meant a lot to me. also because I don't want to grow up. but she said we resembled each other in how we look. I got so happy, hahah.

then at 3 PM, I went to the piercer, where I met up with Laura and David. I had to get my lobes pierced and stretched, as I mentioned before. it's funny, but my piercer actually sent a "friends request" on facebook, which only means I've been there too many times, haha. I find it hilarious. I picked out the biggest size I could get at this point, which was 5mm, and the plugs. then we got into the piercing booth, and when I saw the needle, I was scared to death. I have honestly in my life never seen a thicker needle... ever. it was almost the size of a cigarette, a little bit thinner. so I was terrified. it didn't hurt more than a lip piercing, but the stretching did quite hurt.
I will change my plugs in a month, so I can get some more fancy ones than these. gonna be nice. :D

oh, and I've lost weight! probably because I sleep all the time. I don't mind though, I wish I could loose 2 more kgs.
ate sushi with Dina and Mette when I got home, and now I'll grab some of my leftovers - california rolls, NOM NOM NOM NOM. <3 and then I'm heading of to bed, since I only slept an hour and a half this night, and I haven't even taken any naps. goodnight!

From throat and eyes
Came winter and reason
and I'm told carry on
Sad overwhelms
My senses drown
and oh I feel dependent
Feeling that you were honestly gone
I can't shake it...
Make the same mistake twice

I'm realistic and narcissistic, you say I'm selfish and absurd.

the picture is from Friday, before I took off to Cecil's place. I love my dress, I wore it on New Years Eve. it's a pretty cool dress. OH, and I miss my labret. like, really, really much. I can't wait to get it again, I look like a complete tard right at the moment.

so I pulled an allnighter yesterday, and went to bed at around 8:30 AM. pretty bad.. but actually, I haven't slept my entire day away, surprisingly. I have no idea what I've used all my time on, online. oh yeah, pretty embarassing... I listened and watched a lot of music videos from a band I used to love when I was like.. 11 or 12. I think I was 12 when I stopped listening to them.. and I was 10 when I started listening to them. pretty (actually a lot) embarassing, but Good Charlotte, AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAH. lemme just die nao pl0x. yeah, I used to be a huge fan of them, but now I just think they're ridiculous and bad music. hahaha. sorry. :'D but it was weird listening to all that music. a lot of memories came up, from when I thought I was so HXC and punk, HAHAHAHH. I completely failed. black tears and shit. I facepalm at the thought of myself back then. I only wore black clothing and thought Black No 1 was the shit, and had black, flat hair. not something that flattered me, to be honest, I looked so disgusting. imagine an emaciated dwarf with black clothing and really pale skin, acne and flat hair.. fuck my life, hahahahahaha. I can't believe I looked like that. I'm glad I got over it, and that I don't have any pictures from that era. I remember listening to The Young And The Hopeless and thinking "THIS IS MY LIFE", ahahahahahahhaha. now, I just facepalm at the thought of it. but it's funny listening to old music. also jrock. I find it entertaining, because I'm over those phases. now, I'm more into screamo and rock in general, but I guess I'll look back someday and facepalm over that, too.

I've been to the psychiatrist today, and I didn't really get anything out of it. it was pretty much just a sum-up, of how I've felt. but I didn't tell him about my suicide thoughts or anything, which I guess is pretty stupid, but I really don't like him. he tells everybody I know that he don't believe that I for example suffer from schizophrenia. he has said the same thing to everyone from my recidensy, so I don't believe him, but I think it's some sort of weird technique he's using.

and then I've hung out with Laura all evening, featuring Emma and Jonas at some points. Emma didn't feel well, so she left after a while. then Jonas came in, and we just sat there talking about music and shit for a long time, it was pretty cozy. he's a cool guy, and I can sense that we might become good friends in time. we also watched some Unicorn Planet, haha!

tomorrow, I'm going to get pierced again, just the missing labret. it just sucks having to pay for a piercing you pretty much already have, but not really, because it's grown together already. SUCKS BAWLZ. but I'm taking Emma and Laura with me, since they're both ditching school tomorrow, since they're both feeling sick, like me. can't wait to get that needle through my skin, whoopah!