stand tall, stand proud.

so I finally got my ass up and applied for the name change!! WOOH! fuck yeah. so now, if everything goes as it should, I should officially be named Billie Damien (+ last name) within the next two weeks. I'm so fucking excited. I've distanced myself way too long ago from my birth name, but finally, I did something to change it... so wish me luck that everything's going to be fine, and I'll get it accepted! did some other practical things today, too, and ordered a new phone. it's a HTC Wildfire S I ordered, and even though I have this strong hate towards smartphones (I'm like an old man, for cereal), I'm actually pretty excited about recieving it. it's more like... I can't wait to actually be able to do something as simple as just CALLING people now, and texting, just like every other young adult/teenager. I've gone around without a phone for about.. 2 or 3 months now, so it's about time. I will recieve it latest on Tuesday. WOO!

I got this really, really annoying and weird urge... to, yes, dye my hair purple. have had it for a few weeks. and now, I'm really considering it, even though I know pretty much everyone I know will be like "DONCHUDOIT", haha. it's weird.. I once really hated the color purple, but now, I really adore it. I find it pretty.
also cut my bangs shorter, and I don't really know if I like it. it's pretty much just shorter, like, really short on the left side, and then gets longer on the right side. not sure if like.
I really need to stand tall right at the moment, because my self-esteem is way low, and I know why it is. anywayz0r,.. that means that I'm scared of what people will think of me, if I dye it purple. but I realized something; I need to be myself, as I finally figured out who I am. and be proud..

I didn't go to school today, because I felt horrible.
as I mentioned, my self-esteem is lower than.. well, imaginable. and a single comment made me go down yesterday evening. I kept thinking... "it's not worth it", you know, fighting for myself. so today, after a consulation with a doctor, who also didn't get why I'm transgender, I was like; "fuck this shit", put on a dress, makeup, and became someone I'm not. and it was weird... it was like my personality had slipped away, like drops of water. and I felt absolutely nothing. nothing at fucking all.
went to my mum's to talk things out with her, and had an amazing talk. she made me realize that I should be who I am inside, despite what people think about me. she really helped me out today. that I should be proud of who I am, stand tall.
I guess I also became someone else, because I'm under pressure of thinking about what people at my school think about me, and because I have to come out to them.... which I haven't done yet, because I haven't been to school. but tomorrow, I'm going, and I'm gonna start the fucking day with getting things off my chest. I think. lol. because I shouldn't think about what others think of me, but be proud of how far I've come.
I'm mostly coming out to them, because I'm going to try and get a refferal, so I can start on T soon. that's what keeps me going, right at the moment.

btw.. I'm so sorry, I keep writing about these transgender-thoughts I have. it's not so interesting, and rather depressing from time to time, but it's what fills my mind, and I'm finally able to talk about it.

the curse of being a girl.

I was born a girl. but inside, I'm a young man. I want to rip off this skin, that seems to lie all the fucking time, and does nothing else than fuck me up completely. I just want to be who I am, be free of these genetic chains...
it was hard for me to write down the title of this blog entry, because I really don't want to admit that I am - bio-fucking-logical - a girl. I feel so fucking weird and awkward about it, and I can't.. well, believe that this is what my genes says I am. because inside, it's completely different. I relate to nothing of the female body. I feel like something's missing, and there's something extra on my body, and it's not mine. well, for now it is, but I hope that'll change within some years, minus the phalloplasty, because it's simply not good enough yet, in my opinion. but at the same time, I have planned on not getting any tattoos on my left forearm besides the one I have now, because.. you know, just in case, right?
when I look at myself in the mirror, undressed and naked, I feel like I'm looking at a whole another person. everything seems so fucking awkward and downright weird and does not make any sense.
this is extremely hard for me to write this entry right now. the title... it's from a Kashmir song. but it's so fucking hard to get down on paper, and even on this blog, because I just want to be seen as a guy, simple as that.. and I really doubt a lot, that people actually see me as who I am, but just say it so I can be pleased or whatever. I doubt that a lot. I just wish I could be who I am, not fight for just becoming something close to what I am - but actually be me. it's easy to give up on this journal, but I will fight my ass off. but there are just so many thoughts, and it overwhelms me.
lately, I haven't been passing as male very well, besides today, when some kids yelled "see, 2 faggots!" after me and my fiancé, because we were holding hands on the street. kind of funny, though.
and as I mentioned in the entry earlier today, I'm scared of coming out to the rest of my classmates. but I'm going to do it on Monday. but really, I need support, and no matter what response I get from them, I'll be worn out, because it's hard. so please, just someone.. please support me. I really need it, no matter the response.
I feel kind of weak.

and I've lost who I am.

I hosted a party yesterday, for my classmates on KUBA (the school I'm at right at the moment). it was awesome, simply awesome. I had some deep conversations with Alberte and Anna Rosa, and I also had a lot of with the others. it was simply blissful. I hosted it at my mum's place, because we're not allowed to drink at my residency (even though we do it anyways).. at 4 PM, Karoline and Kruhøffer came over and helped me buying all the things we needed for the party. Andreas had planned to come and help too, but he slept in and came an hour earlier than the rest of the guests. ate some pizza, did the welcome drinks, and just sat and talked. then we went to pick up the rest at 7:30 PM, but we ended up waiting at the trainstation in almost an hour and a half! people were all fucking late, and some came around 10 PM. we started out with sitting in my mum's kitchen, since my sister's friends had taken over the living room. she was also hosting something, so it was a share-thing about the apartment.
we just listened to awesome music, had fun, drank a lot and laughed. I had such a great time, I can't even describe it! I had bought a bottle of Fisherman, and I ended up drinking over the half of it, just in shots.. so yeah, I got pretty damn drunk, lol. well, everybody was really drunk, tbh. also ended up smoking weed 3 times that night, not the smartest idea ever, but it was kinda fun... got really high, actually. then when the rest was about to leave, my boyfriend came over, since it was our anniversary. then I kinda colapsed on the floor, when he went to buy nomz. D: fail...
but all in all, I think the party was really succesfull! everybody seemed to have an amazing time, so I'm happy!

I met some from my sister's class, those she had invited over. I met this girl, who also is transsexual, so we talked for a bit and exchanged facebook profiles. she seemed really kind, and it's nice to know more people who stands in the same position as I do. it was really pleasant... talked a bit about hormone therapy with her, and what doctors to go to. we pretty much agreed on everything, haha.
I also came out to two more from my class yesterday night. they took it very well, and were all like; "that's so brave of you to say", and "it seems like you've really found yourself" and asked more into it. it was just.. ah, wow. haha. 4 down, 8 to go! I should really come out to the rest of them soon, I'm just so scared of what they'll think of me, now when we have all become good friends. but maybe I'll stand up in class on Monday, and just say it as a sort of announcement.. will definitely tell you how it went, if I have the balls to do so. ):
I want to be straight honest with them, first of all, and let them see who I am. and it's also because I will try to get my refferal to the specialist within the next 6 months, and hopefully start on T. right now, it seems unbearable to not being in transition at all. I want to be who I feel like soon, because it's wearing me down.
I don't really know what to say, tbh. I really need some support to come out to them, and the girl I talked with yesterday, said she'll definitely help me, if I needed it. I also need support from my friends, because I think it's going to be hard for me. but then at least, if I do it, I can be myself for the rest of the year... definitely something I should think more about, I'm sure it can make me do it. soon.
I read through my blog a while ago, and I noticed that before I came out, I was always talking about how confused I was, and how terrible I felt. now, I feel sort of free, in a way. not the way it will be when I start to transition for real, but it's freeing. I'm also changing my name officially next week. I'm not sure on the first name, though, but I know for sure that Damien will be my middle name. maybe Alex, after my dad's brother? I don't know yet. but I'll decide tonight. but the first name doesn't really matter, I will just get others to call me Damien, just like everyone I know does right now.
I think I'll post a more deep entry later, or maybe tomorrow, if I want to. I need to get things of my chest, but I'm in a hurry atm. I'm going home now.