"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"

so how's everything hanging, guys? I'm sitting here in my way too messy room, listening to the rain and having a cigarette. just finished editing some pics, and one of them is up on DeviantArt, together with a poem I posted a week ago or so. I've been hanging out with Emilia, one of my dear friends, whom I've mentioned a lot, hahah. we haven't seen each other in a while... so when I saw her again, I was overjoyed. <3
we went for a walk in the local park, and just talked. most of it was about deeper things, and I learned some things about her I didn't know, even though we have been one of each other's best mates in two years! it was so lovely to see her again. we kinda have some of the same thoughts about serious matters, and some things about our past is very much alike, especially when it comes to our mums and all the thoughts you have as a child. I'm not saying my mum is bad, she's more than I ever could wish for now. <3 she's so supportive of who I am by now, but we had our problems when I was younger. it was around the time I was severely depressed, she could scold me for doing all kinds of things, that didn't make sense. but she did it because she was under pressure of her former husband, who died a year and a half ago. so it went out on me, because he wasn't fond of me... so when he scolded me for the most random things, she would agree, or just sit back and watch, for his sake. it's kind of tragic, isn't it.. I was with a girl at the time, and he was pretty much, like... REALLY homophobic, when I think of it, and when my mother told him I was in a relationship with a girl, he just rolled his eyes. if he knew me know, as I'm out about being transgender, he would probably not contact me or talk to me, if he lived.

I've been trying to write this entry a bunch of times now, but I don't really know if it gets too personal, so I'll leave it. I just wanted to write about my past, and what I've gone through. but it's too close to me (obviously, since it was my life), and stings way too painfully. I'm actually in a great mood, though! I've felt amazingly blissful the entire day, and I've had this thought in my head all awake hours, that I'm so grateful to be alive. <3
but anyway, it's too close, everything, so I'll write about my everyday, as usual. lol.

what have I been doing since the last time I wrote here?
I've been to Pride, for an instant. I've been drunk, been high a few times, been tired as fuck, and I've enjoyed my life. pretty much the average life of a teenage boy, huh? :'D

I haven't taken my testosterone booster in a pretty long time, since I've been too scared to take it. only two of my classmates know I'm transgender, and I'm kind of scared of coming out. at first, I was in the closet, then I came out to EVERYONE, and now I'm partly back in the closet. BOOH! it really sucks in there. but the two girls I came out to, though, were really accepting, and asked me a bunch of things, to get to know more about it. it was nice, being fully accepted.
but I'm starting up on the booster again tomorrow, and then eventually, I'll come out to the rest. I'm trying to wake up as early as possible, and go to the gym before school, if I can manage it. I really need to get more bulky! D: not because it's stereotypically male, but because that's how I want to be. skinny, but with a touch of muscles. oh la laaaa. <3

I'm currently looking at fonts for my (probably) next tattoo, which I'm planning on getting this week, if my brother isn't occupied. it was actually planned to be my first tat, but I got some others instead before it.. but it's about time I get it now. my brother is also getting it, and it's going to be a tattoo in honour of him, and life itself. it's "memento mori" I'm getting, on my nape. I can't wait... <3 my fiancé's getting tattooed this Wednesday, and I can't wait to see the result. I can imagine what couple we'll end up being in the future; heavily tattooed, pierced, open-minded, with a small dog, in a really shitty apartment. and honestly, I'm looking forward to that time. <3

at the moment, there's a quote from the movie, "Girl, Interrupted" stuck on my mind. sometimes, I still do believe that my mum wish I wasn't around. she used to call tell me daily, that she regretted not having an abortion when she was pregnant, and that things would be easier if I were dead. she told me that daily at the time I was severely depressed, which only increased everything I felt. I still, from time to time, connect to the old thoughts, that it would be better for her if I wasn't here.
I used sex as a form of hurting myself at a time, and slept with a lot of random persons during a passage of time. it was kind of weird. but I felt dirty and horrible afterwards everytime, and I ended up wounded.

"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"