please stay until I'm gone, I'm here, hold on.

SPACE KID PEW PEW!! Imma shoot you with my pew-tastic laz0rgunz. MWHAHAHHAH.

so yeah, I've pretty much done nothing today. my sister and I had planned to go to the cinema to watch Burlesque, but we both woke up too late to do so, which sucked obese cow nipples, since I really wanted to see that movie.. I mean, Christina Aguilera. WHY SO HOT? and then it's burlesque, wohoo! couldn't get much better, hahah. I btw love Dita Von Teese, she looks amazing. I've thought about buying a photobook with pictures of her, but it's really expensive.. like, 400 DKK. it sucks, and I pretty much can't use it for anything, so I won't buy it. but WHY SO GAWJEEEEZZZ?
so instead of going to the movies, we just stayed home. I was pretty much just online, smoking some fags, taking a shower and packing all my belongings together, since I had to go home to my residency. didn't really want to, but I had to, since I didn't have any pills left. tomorrow, I have no plans whatsoever. I hope Laura is home and not busy, though she probably is... oh wait, I just got a text from her, asking me to go out shopping with her tomorrow, WOHOO! :'D now I have plans, hahah. I need to buy some booze for New Years Eve. oh yeah, new years eve..

I'm not going to have a throw anyways, because Nanna bailed on me. so I decided to drop it (LIKE IT'S HOOOOOT). so instead, I'm going to spend it with Jamie, which I'm looking so much forward to! it's going to be neat. his friend Lars is throwing a party, and that's where we will go. I'm pretty nervous about meeting Lars, since they're best mates, and that's always important to make a nice impression and not be a total dickface. idk, I'll probably be really shy in the beginning, and after some booze I'll hopefully loosen up a bit.
but I'm looking forward to it so much, especially seeing Jamie. <3 I'm going to his place on Thursday, and probably return the first of January, unless he talks with his contact person or sumthing... I hope I can see him a bit longer than just until the first, hahaha.

I'm going to bed now, sleep tight darlings. <3

Brace your self, cause I think I'm coming for you. Look up into the sky.

I changed my layout, yayzies! it's gone from black/white to lots of colors, which suits me more right now, I think. hellz yeah, there's even robots! :'D it's awesome. it's so ugly that I love it. what do you think about it? please be br00tal.

so today, I slept until 11 AM, but then I realized I had no plans, so I decided to sleep a few more hours. it's jamie's birthday today, so originally I had to go visit him and his family (he's home on vacation), but because of the snow and other things, we decided that it would be better another day. so I'm crossing my fingers for tomorrow, hahaha. I don't have any plans there either, and I really, really want to see him, and give him his present! nommmm. I'm pretty sure he's gonna like it, since he has talked about it before, and he still don't own it. plus, it's a thing that he likes, haha.
but I really hope he's gonna say go for tomorrow, because I'll run miles and hills to see him.

I haven't really done anything remarkely interesting today. I've eaten a lot of cake, since my brother's girlfriend had given us some homebaked stuff, and my mother recieved cookies as a christmas present. fucking awesome. I've eaten a lot these days, and I'm so grateful I haven't gained any weight.
and then... then I've eaten some more, from our local pizzaria. nom, falafel is good.
and then... then I've just been online for a whole lotta hours. I don't even want to count, hahahah. it's so fail, and I really need a life.

actually, it has been a pretty boring day. I have cravings after tattoos and piercings, since my best friend and my boyfriend will soon get inked, and I can't help but feeling a little bit envious. I want it, too. I can't wait until I get my next tattoo, it's going to be fucking rad. "I'm afraid to become an adult without dreams", just French instead.
and piercings... I really want to get my butterfly again, and my tongue piercing back. and then, something I've started thinking alot about... angel bites... WHY U NO MINE? seriously, they're so pretty. I know I'm gonna get it someday.. I've finally found the courage to get them despite my teeth, so someday. but probably not right now, because I have way too many in my face, and I like them all. I've started to grow really fond of my cheeks. they're cute when I smile. even though the jewelry is kind of big, and I'm not allowed to get smaller ones... and my lip piercings, I'm too much in love with them to take them out right now, they're my babies and I love them. I should give them names, AHAHAHH. awesome.

please, whatever deity there is out there, let me get to see that Jamie guy soon again. <3

burst of red and green all over me.

my Christmas was splendid! I spent it together with my sister, brother, his girlfriend, and her family and two dogs. there was a lot of present under the tree, and I got a lot of really, really nice stuff. I felt so happy recieving everything, though I knew what some of my presents were. but it was awesome. I recieved 2 Drop Dead shirts (one of them is the one I'm wearing on the picture - a shirt with a robot on, and the other one with a zombie), which both are extremely fabulous and urgh. I love them, even though the zombie one is rather small - but I'm going to loose some weight in 2011, so that's okay. then I got some really gorgeous underwear, I' completely in love with it - and a robot necklace and a robot figurine. then a mascara, a perfume (Bvlgari Black, so nom nom nom), boxers, some money and two gift certificates to the same store. I don't think I left something out.. oh yeah, and a really cute shirt I've been having my eyes on for a while! it's soft pink, with a big ribbon on.the food was also really delicious, and I ate so much! it was so good. I ate like.. two full plates, where I normally eat one, so I was completely full. but when it's Christmas, it's almost like a rule to eat when you're completely stuffed, haha.
so my christmas was well spent, and people liked the presents I got for them, so I couldn't be more satisfied.

today, we had dinner at my mom's place, where Mette (my sister's friend who currently lives here), my sister and her boyfriend, my mom, brother and his girlfriend and I were. it was so nice, I can tell you that! I got so full again. definitely have to start exercising again, haha. we got a lotta food, and christmas beer (but I don't drink beer, I get sick if I drink it). we played some boardgames, Bezzerwizzer, where I read the cards aloud and was the judge. all in all, I had a lot of fun today. but the thing is though, that after I have had a really nice and/or fun day, I don't know what to do afterwards. I'm so bored right now. just smoking some fags and drinking some coke. probably going to bed soon, since I'm exhausted and I don't really have anything else to do, hahah.

I found a picture from this spring, I'm going to share.my sister and I, when her hair was blonde and I had brown hair and extensions. I look so chubby. I weighed a lot more back then, because of the meds I was on, and the extra kgs were really hard to loose, so I exercised like a maniac and ate close to nothing. I was really sick at one point, with my eating disorder. but I think that went away after a few months. it sucks that it comes from time to time, where I get really sick. I haven't had it since this Spring, and I definitely hope it won't come back again! it sucks, really. but I've lost even more weight after that, I can see that in my face. which makes me really pleased with myself, haha. I need to start exercising again, so I can get healthier and more in shape and look a little bit better. just on my tummy, though, and a bit on my thighs. surprisingly, I don't want to loose anything on my hips, since I'm quite okay with them. and jamie likes them too, so that just makes it better, hahah.
I don't get why people say my sister and I look alike, because I really don't see it. first of all, we don't have the same type of face. she's oval, and I'm heartshaped. she has full lips, and I have pretty thin lips. she has a smaller nose than I, and hers is straight, while mine has more bumps on it. I have rounder eyes than she does. she's tall and curvy, as in hourglass shaped, and I'm short and more square. I don't get it, we just don't look the same, hahah! she looks better than me.. has all the right features, while I'm stuck with the bad side of the DNA from my family, hahahahah.
idgi.

From throat and eyes came winter and reasons, I'm told to carry on.

I miss summertime, therefore a picture from this summer. I remember that day, it was sooo hot, I felt like I was melting! one of the warmest days ever that summer. it's btw a friend of mine, called Cecilie (WHY DO EVERYONE I KNOW HAVE TO BE NAMED CECILIE? SO CONFUSING), and I miss her. sadly, she doesn't party anymore, and we don't really share the same interests anymore.. but she was sweet. I remember we sat on a swing, her, Cecil and I, and just had fun and talked that summer. I miss those times. ah, summer memories are coming back to me. I was also together with (another) Laura, not the one I've mentioned previously. she lives in Aarhus, but Cecil and I visited her for an entire weekend. it was so much fun, and we have a lot of inside jokes. I don't talk to her that often anymore though, and I really miss it.
I think I've lost some friends after dumping Japanese fashion and music. I mean, I still like it, and I sometimes listen to it too. it's just not that often anymore. I still listen to 12012 though, and sometimes Dir en grey. I used to be such a freak, hahah. with shaved eyebrows, plateau shoes, panty girdles showing, and Japanese brands. I only listened to Japanese rock and metal, and I studied the language. I don't regret a thing, because that's something that made me who I am. I still have some roots from there in my way of dressing, and I can still feel inspired by the fashion. not VK and that stuff though, even though I find it really pretty. it's just not fit for me anymore. I like being who I am right now, not following any kind of styles. I've asked some friends what style they consider me as, and they don't really have an answer. oh, when I dress girly, I've been told I'm having a sort of "Pigebarn"-style. in a good way. I don't know what I am, and I like it that way.
but I think I might have lost some friends over time because of it, which is rather weird. but instead, I've gotten new friends, whom I treasure dearly. but I'll admit, sometimes I miss the old times. like, how obsessed I was about fashion. now, I'm more relaxed, and I rarely dress up. I miss dressing up, but I simply don't know how to do it anymore. well yeah, I put on extra makeup, like eyeliner and eyeshadow, and wear something fancy.
but anyway. long boring rant about me some years ago, haha.

I woke up at 12, and then I packed some stuff so I could go home on Christmas vacation. then Anna came over a few hours after, and we just hung out and chillaxed, listening to music and talking, which was really nice. we also saw some Behind2Hills, and I remember it funnier than it actually was. maybe my humor is not as lame as it used to be, hahah. we also saw Desandnate, listened to Blink 182 (FUCK YEAH), saosin and of mice and men. pretty much my music, haha. I feel sorry for her.
but it was really nice hanging out with her. I gave her her christmas present, a mustache made out of beads, hahaaaha. I'm so lame. lately, I've been obsessed about beads. like, I make everything out of beads. mustaches, joysticks, bows, everything. it's so nice! I like it, but I feel like I'm in kindergarden again, haha. missing those times, where you ate paint because it looked delicious, AHAHAHAHAH. I did.

tomorrow it's Christmas. I'm gonna spend it together with my brother, sister and my brother's girlfriend's family. I'll tell you guys what I got as presents tomorrow!

like shooting stars.

I've had an aaaaamazing day, really. I feel full of happiness and confetti. it's like, if I puked right now, it would all be presents, unicorns and peter pan's shadow-vomit. :D

I woke up at 9:45 AM and took a looong, hot shower. it was so nice! I used my new stuff from the body shop, so I felt all nicely-scented and clean. (commercial much?)
then I took the train from Copenhagen to Jamie's place at 11:37 AM. arrived at 1 PM. yes, it takes an hour and a half to get there, it sucks! but anyway.
I felt so happy seeing him. again, glitter and confetti-vomit. that guy is so weird. hahahah. but I had a lot of fun, I laughed so much over such random things! it was nice, and just what I needed. I mean, I laugh a lot everyday with my friends, but his humor is so lame and unfunny, I laugh at it. if you read this - HAH THERE I SAID IT BITCH. >:D no, I think he's funny, actually.
we ate some nom-worthy food (bbq spareribs, NOM!), and just had fun and snuggled. he's so incredible. hahah. I'm so proud to call him my boyfriend, especially since I know there's a few who wants him - but he's aaaall mine, hahaha. suck it.
we exchanged christmas presents, and since mine hasn't arrived in the mail yet, he made me a cute box with some body butter and a sweet card. and then a picture of what I'm getting. Skull Candy earplugs! nom. in happy colors! I'm pretty excited about them. I gave him a monster robot necklace, now named Godzilla - and he seemed really happy about receiving it, naww. like, showing it off to everyone. it's so ugly it's cute. I've wanted one for myself in a long time now.
but then when I had to leave, the train was FUCKING CANCELLED. I FUCKING HATE DSB. SO MUCH. because that meant I couldn't catch the bus later on, because they didn't drive anymore at that time. so I just got home from walking in the cold for 20-25 minutes, just wearing stockings. :( I fucking hate dsb, it's all their fault if I get sick! hahahah.
so before I left, I tucked him in, and kissed him. then he was ready to sleep, haha.

tomorrow, I'm meeting up with Anna, which I'm looking forward tooooooo. we're also gonna exchange christmas presents, but I just have to buy mine before I meet up with her - I know exactly what to get her, though! I just didn't buy it the last time I was in that store. but I'm looking forward to spend some time with her, she's one of my best friends. too bad she doesn't smoke anymore, but I'll probably end up being evil and rub it in her face.. let's see about that tomorrow, haha.

I feel so happy. :D nom nom nom nom kizzez!

here's there no sins and your life can begin, Lucy at the gym.

the picture is from a few days ago, since I look craptastic today.. so wtf, eheheheh. :D

yesterday, I hung out with Emilia at my place, and I had so much fun! we smoked way too much and talked about all and everything. I laughed so much, it was so nice. we also talked about some private things, which was nice, since I needed advice about something. and she gave me a nice reply, hahah. :D I also talked to Emma about it.
we went for a walk in the freezing cold, holy shitballz, I ended up regretting it. it was soooo cold, my legs were dying! I fucking hate winter. :( so not a winter person. unless you're inside with someone you care about.
she also gave me my Christmas present! it was a pink muffin, and it's really what I needed to my collection of muffins. I have so many, hahah. I feel so scenester, but I do collect muffin and cake-items. it's just so cute, I can't stand it. I felt so sucky when I handed her present over, because all I did make was a ribbon out of pearls, she could use either as a necklace or a hairbow. I suck at presents this year, btw.

and today, I went out looking for Christmas prezzies. I only found one (for my sister, it's really gorgeous), and I found a shirt for my brother, but I didn't buy it because I didn't have enough time. but I'm going there again tomorrow, so I'm gonna buy it there. that's good. then I just have to buy presents for anna, cecil, my mother and signe. I think.

I've been feeling very happy all day, and I still am. it's awesome, I tell you, awesome! I mean, I have a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing best friend, lovely friends I can trust, it's almost Christmas and soon New Years Eve, which is going to be spent with people I love. I cannot wait. <3

you need a doctor baby, you scared?

I wrote a blog a few days ago, where I told everyone how much I loved them and appreciated them, but I ended up deleting it. I was afraid that people might think I was a bummer, because I feel like how I do, and also that people might not really care anyway. but I'm deciding on doing the blog again! but first, I'm gonna tell what I'm up to.
I'm feeling full of love today. people might think it's gross, haha. I think it's great, because it makes me happehfaced.
my mother came over today, helping me tidying my room as she does once a week, since I'm really bad at doing it myself (which, for the lulz, actually is a part of my sickness). then we went out for dinner, and we had sushi, or... I had. she got some curry chicken, and it looked so delicious! om nom nom. but I had a great time, it was nice to see her again. it's my second day of eating sushi in a row, I also ate it yesterday, since we had some really, really, really gross dish for dinner.. it smelled horrible in the entire house, and it was so yucky. I mean, which teenager decides to make "medister og stuvning" nowadays? so emma and I decided to bail, and go get some sushi instead, since there's a sushi bar right across the street. it was yummy. nom nom.

and I haven't been doing that much else.. I've just been home, chillaxing. I've watched some The X Effect on MTV, and holy shitballz, that's some sucky boy/girlfriends right there.

anyway, I want to make a shout out to my dearests, because really, they mean the world to me. without them, I would probably not be here. I love you guys with my whole heart. <3 style="text-align: center;"> Cecil; you're my best friend, and you know that. we have been that, for, what... 5 years now? I don't think that'll ever change, I've never had a friend like you. you're so weird, sweet and amazing, all in one. you're beautiful, even though you don't see it yourself, but you really are. I'm proud to have you as my best friend. I treasure all my memories and moments with you, even the bad ones. I have so many memories with you, I can't even remember it all. I remember New Year's Eve a few years ago, where we were bored and made a photostory about a banana named Johnny. we even gave him a face, hahah. I remember going to Finland this year, and it was the best vacation I have had up till now. I remember the first time we met, and we used our entire night on singing Disney songs and laughing. I treasure that memory so much. I remember going to the beach, walking in the water with pants on, and having just a blast. I remember more than you think I actually do. I'm proud to be your best friend, and I love you so much. and I know that you know that. I'm sorry I can't be there when you need it, but next year, we should really see each other more often. I love you so much.

Jamie; I have so many things I want to say to you. your kindness, your softness, geekiness and amazing personality... thank you so much for being here. I feel like I could travel space with you, so far out no one has ever been, and still feel like I was safe and whole and home, just because you're right there with me. you have no idea how much you mean to me, just thinking about you makes me smile. you're so wonderful, and I can't believe that you're mine. I would do so much to fight for you, to make you happy. when I look at pictures of you, which I do often (because I'm a creepy stalker), I feel so overwhelmed and happy and bubbly on the inside. you're really something special, and in a very good way. I don't know what to do if you weren't around, just your existence makes me happy. I remember sitting on the train, laughing at "IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!", while you shook your glasses. best traintrip ever. I remember the first time we met, and how fascinated I was because of you. I remember the many memories I have with "airplanes", not gonna tell about it though. I love you to the bones, baby, you're the best boyfriend ever. + you're fricking hot,hahahahah. :D no, seriously. I love you more than fat kids love chocolate chip cake. I treasure every moment I am with you, every textmessage, it fills me with love. I keep them and you tightly locked inside in my heart. Anna; we've known each other for long time, haven't we? we've even been girlfriends for 13 months. I think you're quite special, and I can't say how grateful I am to have you in my life. girl, u so sweet and awzum, hahahah. I have a lot of memories with you. I remember when my last boyfriend dumped me, and I was sad, so I came to your place, where you had lined up alcohol, fags and hookah for me. it was just pure bliss. I remember laying really drunk in the grass with you, listening to random music on your phone. I remember our 1 year anniversary, where I took you out for the ferriswheel at Vesterport, you gently laying your head on my shoulder as we watched birds in crowds. I remember when your face when I gave you that presents that day, how excited and loved you felt. it was awesome. girl, I really do love you, and never forget that.

Emilia; we've been hospitalized together, and you've seen me at my worst, and you still stick around. I don't get it. but I'm glad you do, because really, I care so much for you. I remember the first time we talked, and we sang singstars on a really low sound level, because it sounded so awful, hahah. I remember when you, laura and I dressed up with beards and weird hats, making awesome videos which still is on FB. I wuv you, even though you bully me, hahah. style="text-align: center;">

Laura; oh dear God, I love you. you've been there during really hard times, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. you've supported me so much, and been totally honest. I consider you as one of my best friends. you've seen me cry, laugh, being mad, in love, everything. and you're still here. I remember the Crystal Castles concert, where we were so fucked up weird, dancing like crazy people. it was fun times, hahah. I love you soooo much.

and now I'm done puking love up. :D

I used to have a best friend, but then he gave me an STD.

no, not really. she doesn't have an STD, as far as I know. :0 hahahahhaa.

so today has been nice, I've hung out with Laura at Strøget, since she needed to buy a dress for new years eve. we didn't find any dresses, but she ended up buying a butterfly and a skirt she'll wear that night. it's going to be awesome, I can't wait. I don't know what I'll wear yet, but probably something androgynous, like I wore today. I wore a white shirt, necktie, black pants and a vest, and I think it looked pretty rad, in my opinion. at least I felt satisfied wearing this, haha.
but yeah, I'm really looking forwards to new years. it's going to be nice. - IF PEOPLE DIDN'T STOP BAILING, hahah.

so, what am I up to? nothing really... I'm listening to some nice music, and I'm just pretty bored. but in a somehow good mood. I ate McD today, and a pancake, so I'm soooo full. that's on the other hand the only things I've eaten today. I bought the Carebear earplugs again, since the thingeys on the end of the plug got lost the last time, so they didn't work. I'm happy I bought them, they're so awesome!

I've found my favorite Suicide Girl. Nanou! HOLY FUCK SHE IS SO HOT AND I WANNA BE LIKE HER. it's not that I want to do stuff with her, she's just so pretty and gorgeous, and I really want her body. like, ment as in.. I want my body to look like her's. I'm going to start working out again soon, and hopefully I'll loose some kgs (just a few), and gain muscles instead on my tummy. I want to look really androgynous, and luckily, I don't have that huge boobies, on the contrary actually. so it's going to look great, and maybe then, I'd have the courage to post on genderqueer.tumblr.com. I check that site everyday, it's so inspiring. I want to be like them, hahah. I feel like I look more like a girl than a boy, which sucks sometimes.

tomorrow, I'm getting up early and will hang out with Laura again at some sucky stores, won't even mention the names here.. but I think it's going to be fun, and then maybe I can buy some more bleaching, since they have this ultra strong one in one of the shops.

I actually don't have anything remotely interesting to share right now, hhaha.

I believe I can see the future, 'cause I repeat the same rutines.

I don't know why, but I feel kind of melancholic right now. I really don't know why, my day has been chillax and everything. so I have no idea why I feel like this. I'm just tired of everything, and I feel like I need love right now. just to be held in warm hands.
I don't know, I just want to give up from time to time. and I feel like that right now. that it simply does not seem worth it.

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

I think I used to be someone, now I just stare into the sun.

I just love Nine Inch Nails, their music is amazing. their album With Teeth is amazing, and their lyrics are incredible. I don't care if it's not underground anymore, because damn, that's just great music.

anyway, I went to my sister's birthday yesterday. I bought her a box set from The Body Shop, full of moisturizer and peeling and all that jazz. she got happy, even though it was a quite boring gift, in my opinion. I'd love to give her something really awesome, but I had no idea what to buy her. I know what I'll get her for Christmas though, and I think she might like it!
I didn't get there in time to eat birthday buns, I came over at around 2 PM instead. later, her guests came, which consisted of Christina, my brother and his girlfriend Signe, Mette, Rikke, Anne, and her boyfriend, Mikkel. then we had some delicious dinner, it tasted so good, one of my favorite dishes actually! it's a dish I don't know the name of, but it's so good. my mother's husband used to make it from time to time, when he had time, since it takes a lot of time to make. and it's sooooo goood! nom nom. yeah, I'm ranting about that dish, but wth. :'D
we drank a lot of red wine that night, and I got sooo drunk. it was quite embarassing, because I have never been drunk in front of anyone in my family. smoked way too many fags. but I had a nice night! signe, mikkel and I stayed up until late, talking and mocking eachother. it was hella fun, hahah. went to bed at 3 AM.

I also made a bet, that if I don't stop smoking from January 1st, I have to pay 300 DKK to Mikkel, Christina and my mom. that's pretty good, since I don't have enough money to do that, which means I just have to stop. they're also quitting. teamwork, wooh!

tomorrow, I'm going out with my beloved friend Laura, since she needs a dress for New Years Eve. I'm really looking forward to spend some time with her, even though we are roomies, we actually don't see each other that often, because she always has plans during the day. I, on the other hand, are a low life, with no school or job or whatsoever, lawlz. emoing here.
but she's one of my closest friends, she's so awesome. she rather weird and used to be really annoying when I first met her, but now she's more down to earth and laidback, which is great. she has helped me through a lot of hard shit, when it comes to gender and sexuality, and she's been there through fun times also. we were hospitalized together, and have had some pretty deep talks and helped each other out during difficult times. she knows me really well, and we talk very openly with each other. I love her so much, and I'm proud of who she is. <3 I hope she knows that.

I really want to get a Isabella/Christina piercing! that'd be fricking rad, man. I know I'd love it. the thing is, I have to wait until I turn 18. I've wanted it for a long time now, but I just recently started thinking again about getting one. it must hurt so baaaad. idk. it looks pretty and cute.

I miss Jamie. a lot.

you sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.

I'm pretty happy I dyed and cut my hair short actually, despite getting a more feminine face. that sucks ofc for me right now, but when I dress girly, it won't look stupid. and I'm happy about the haircut, it's nice and short and it feels good to be stroked on. it's still orange some places, or as Jamie was kind enough to point out, salmon-colored. *angry fist*
I had to cut some of my bangs shorter though, because it was so dead due to all the bleaching. but I'm grown pretty fond of my hair right now, which means my friends can't bully me with me looking like a scenekid anymore. now, I'm just told I look like a faggy queer, as Laura was so sweet to say. I don't mind being called that, actually, because that's pretty much what I am.

I spend some time with Jamie, my lovely boyfriend (yes, I'm proud to say that, hahah. I'm so proud he's mine) from Friday noon until Saturday night. now I'm home, and I'm just chillaxing to some music, Enter Shikari's Common Dreads. it's awesome, I just downloaded it.

I'm holding a small get-together on New Years Eve, where I'm gonna be together with my best friend Cecil, Nanna, Emilia, Laura and her boyfriend, David. I wish Jamie was there too, so I could kiss him when the time hits 12. he's going to be together with his best friend Lars, and I think that's great, they haven't seen each other in ages. but if that doesn't work out (they haven't settled things yet), he is welcome at my place. I hope he knows that. so if you're reading this; COME TO MY PLACE! hahah. you know I want you there. <3 I also want him to meet my friends.
but I'm looking so much forward to it, spending New Years with some of my closest friends. I hope Emma can come too, but she's probably going to spend it together with her almost-boyfriend, I think.. I'll ask her tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, my dearest older sister turns 19 tomorrow! she's getting old, huh. I've bought her a present, I'll tell you what it is tomorrow. but I can't wait to see my family, it'll be so nice. lately, I've talked with her a lot on the phone. it's really nice, knowing what she's up to, since she's always to busy to hang out with me. so I'm coming over at noon, where we'll eat birthday buns and pancakes, nom nom nom.

my blog is so unbelievably boring, I'm so sorry for those who follows me on blogspot.

what if all the worlds inside of your head is just creations of your own?

I look so stupid and wapanese. but all the other pictures SUCKED. deal with it.

I just broke my lamp some minutes ago.. I accidentally tugged the cord, and it fell on the floor and broke into pieces. sucks man, that lamp was so cute! it had cherry blossoms on it. goddamnit. now I gotta go to IKEA again. I really don't want to, all the screaming kids and the scent of sucky food and the long lines of people...

I went to Jamie's place yesterday, and honestly, I had so much fun. I laughed so much over the most ridiculous things! it was awesome. oh, and he had a surprise for me! a box full of chocolate and socks, hahahah. I got so happy, I felt so loved. he's cute.

I also made a secret for queersecrets.tumblr.com, but it haven't showed up yet. try to figure out which one is mine. :D it's pretty obvious. I mean, really.

I haven't done much today. I went to my psychologist for the last time, even though I got pissed off at some point. I actually don't get pissed off very easily, but I was just annoyed. it was because my contact person Berit tried to pressure me into seeing my psychologist every week from now on as usual, but I had specifically told her that I wanted to stop. she just kept going, and came up with excuses why I should still see her. I kept telling her no. at a point, I wanted to scream "NO I DON'T FUCKING WANNA GO THERE!", because I got so annoyed. I didn't do it though. but what's important is, I NEVER HAVE TO GO THERE AGAAAAAIN. :'D

otherwise, I have done absolutely nothing. I've hung out with Laura an hour an a half, but that's it. but I had a nice time, we just lay in her bed, talking about stuff. DO DAT DINOSAWR RAWR!

I've downloaded some NIN on my computer, and I had totally forgotten how amazing their music is. so right now, I'm listening to The Hand That Feeds. I remember listening to Right Where It Belongs a lot when I was at my worst, when I just got hospitalized.. I remember a lot of memories about that song, like when I was deeply psychotic, and I made a drawing out of it. I don't know where it is anymore, and I'd really like to see it again.. I remember harming myself after listening to that song, everyday for a very long time. I know I should probably not like that song anymore, but it means a lot to me. I can relate to everything about that song, when it comes to my schizophrenia, because it was that type of schizophrenia I had and still have.
I used to think that everything was just made up inside my head, that the world didn't exist and it was only a dream. that if I looked over my shoulders, the world behind me was created in that splitsecond it took to turn my head. it makes me sad to listen to that song, so maybe I shouldn't, but I can't stop myself. I'm afraid of getting psychotic again, like I was at that time. I remember sitting at the hospital, and suddenly, the blue floor turned into waves, like water. that the walls bulged and made shapes, which scared me. I remember one time, I got a really bad trip of psychosis, where I suddenly looked at my legs and thought; "these can't be mine. those are not my legs." apparently, in my head, it belonged to Alice, alice from wonderland. they were sewn off and dead, and definitely not mine, so I panicked. I was on my way to get help, and on the hallway to the office, there was this huge windows. I looked at it, and it felt like a puppet show, because of the curtains. that everything outside was looking at my little play, my act. that it was some some of theatre, which only confirmed the thoughts I already had about the world I was living in wasn't real. that I was something someone had made up, and that I was created inside someone elses head. I was really psychotic that night, there were a lot of other things, but I can't remember it right now.
I get sad, thinking back at all those things, because I was really fucked up. I remember the first day I was at the hospital, I sat by the window, wishing more and more that I could disappear. I was listening to boys don't cry. I want to read my diary from that time, just to see how I felt, but I don't know if it would be smart of me. I'll probably get sadder, and it will affect me and my thoughts.. because already, now when I'm listening to this song, I start to think; "is the world even real, or did I just make my happiness up inside my head? how come a moment can be there for an instant, and suddenly be gone?"

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods

cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort.

I cut my hair shorter yesterday, or.. Lenna did, since she knows how to cut boy's hair. the weird thing is, though, that I look more feminine now, than I did with longer hair. it's weird, and not exactly what I wanted. I love the haircut though, I'm crazy about it! right now, I'm sitting with bleach in my hair, and it's itching like crazy. I bleached it one time before this time, because it got platin some places, and other places were still a bit red. I hope I can get it all even know, that would be rad. so now, I'm getting hair like agyness deyn. :]

today has been a bore, as usual, and I keep thinking about the weekend. it was so nice, and I just want to go back to hugging him.
I slept until pretty late, and then I got in the shower, and after that, I went to Strøget by myself. I bought two packs of hair bleaching kits, a hair wax, and a hair spray. and also, I bought boxers! it's my first time, and I can't wait to wear them tomorrow. I bought some with stars on, an just some regular black and white ones, and then a pair with a lady on, in a cartoon-ish style. I love them, they're so awesome! I want to be more androgynous. that's the main reason I cut my hair short. I just want to look like something inbetween genders, because let's face it; I'm born a girl, will always be, since I'm not transsexual (at least I don't think I am). I just feel more in contact with my male side that my female side. when I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a boy, I get more satisfied with myself in any other way I can. I don't care if I look ugly, but if I look like a boy, I get happy. so now, I just want to be androgynous, since I have both male and female sides. I talk a lot about genders, don't I? well, it's a part of me I'm struggling with everyday, because honestly, it's a mess for me. definitely don't want to be a girl, or even worse, seen as a girl. Jamie wrote "girlyboy" to me some days ago, and I got so happy, because he really understands that that's something that means a lot to me, even more when it comes from persons I love. it's one of the things that makes me want to end my life actually, that I can't be what I really want to be.

Emilia had a dream about me this night, where I comitted suicide. apparently, due to some dream dictionary, that means I'll change. I don't know, hahah. I've changed a lot in a very short time, at least my best friend said so.

I miss my best friend, she deserves to be mention here on my blog. I miss her. but I'm having a small get-together on new years eve where she will be, so that's good. I can't wait to see her again, I still have a present for her I have forgotten to give her. I have such great memories with her, like going to the Moomin Valley, and having random inside jokes. I love her to pieces, mhm. <3

tomorrow, I'm going to see Jamie again at his place, and I cannot waaaaait~ I'm so in love, hahah.

he doesn't look a thing like jesus, but he talks like a gentleman.

this is a picture (or two) of my boyfriend, Jamie. *hearts and candies* yes, we're together again, after this weekend, and I'm so blissful that we are. I can't describe the feeling I have in my tummy, it feels so right and good.

so I went to his parent's place, since he was on a visit, because a lot of shit is going on at his residency. I've met them before, his parents, and I really like them. I just don't hope they see me as a freak, haha. I got so excited when I saw him again! hahah. like, I was through the roof, inside my head. it felt like ages since the last time I saw him, so I was mentally rolling on the floor in excitement. it was amazing, hugging him again, and to kiss him was even better.
we got upstairs during the evening, just laying in his bed kissing and huggling, when he suddenly says he has a surprise for me. it was SO CUTE!!! a little letter, saying "will you be my girlfriend.. again? Yes, No, Maybe". I started laughing, because I didn't know how to react, because it was so damn adorable of him. of course I said yes. so now, we're back together, and I could absolutely not be happier than I am right now about it.

we also made christmas decorations! ours failed and ended up looking like I-don't-know-what, but it was so nice and lovely to just spend time with him and his family.

I feel like I could rant about him forever, hahah. he gives me the butterflies, the feeling that I'm loved and protected, and that everything is always okay. I don't know, it all just feels right when I'm with him, like he's what I needed, the arms I needed around me. he makes me feel a special feeling, that I can't describe, but it's amazing. he is amazing.

I love you to the bones. thank you for being here.

And when I wake, I'm right here by your side to feel your heart beat in and out of time.

I cut my hair shorter when I was together with Cecil - not sure if I like it. I actually wanted it as Agyness Deyn at first, even with the bangs and all, but I was too much of a pussy to do it. so it just got a bit shorter.. maybe I'll do it someday, but I'm still unsure if I want to be feminine or boyish, so idk. I'm still considering cutting my sides shorter though, but again, that would make me look more like a boy. and if I suddenly feel like a girl, I would regret it.

tomorrow, I'm going to the piercer with Anna, so she can get her septum done. it's going to look fucking rad, I just know it! I can't wait to see it. and I can't wait to see her. she's close me, after all, we dated for a year, but now we're just really close friends. I love hanging out with that person. :'D
I actually went to the piercer today too! I just had to get my cheeks shorter, since they were really sticking out. it looked pretty dumb. so I finally woke up at a reasonable time, and got it done! I feel awesome, so now they look cute. but I'm considering taking them out actually.. there's just too much metal in my face, and I don't want to take out my lip piercings, since they're my favorites in my face, and I love my bridge.. so it kinda has to be them. which sucks, since they're cute.
I also had plans to see Jamie tomorrow, but there's going to be a blizzard tomorrow, and I would be there at 7 PM, because I also have to go to the piercer.. so we're not going to see each other tomorrow, probably. I just really miss him, and I want to give him some homemade crap I've made for him. we'll figure something out.

I've felt high all day because of him though, so I'm in a great mood. right now, I'm just bored. and I want to watch Rugrats. and I want someone to pet me, because I'm a good boy. :D

I bought some Christmas prezzies today! one for Dina, my sister, and I hope she'll like it. the other one was for Jamie, and it's fucking rad, I've actually wanted it myself for soooo long. it's so fucking awesome! might buy one for myself as a christmas present, hahaha.

oh, and Emilia is a nullerpullergøj-julenisse. :'D you know you are!