I miss the grinded concrete when we sat past eight or nine, and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights.

I slept at my mum's place last night, which was night. woke up in the middle of the night and watched this movie called "American Gun". I missed the first hour of it, but it was actually pretty good, good enough for me to stay up and watch the rest of it. it was about guns and weapons in the United States, and it was pretty cool. it was about 3 families, I think, and weapons. one of the families consisted of a mother and a brother of a boy who comitted mass-murder at a school. I'll definitely try to watch the whole flick someday, when I have the time.
woke up at her place, and took a shower and got ready pretty quickly. then I went to Nørreport, where I met up with Emilia.
and oh god, emilia. she's so cute, and I could hug her to death because of what she did today. because I don't have a valentine this year ( )': ), she had bought me a huge-ass teddy bear, a box of heartshaped chocolate candies and a pink rose. I felt extremely happy, pleased and loved, and she's an incredible friend for doing that. simply, I was overwhelmed. it was so sweet of her, especially when she knows I feel pretty sucky about myself right now. but it's things like these that makes me want to keep on fighting and living. and she's so lovely she did that to me. really, I felt blessed with love from others, I can turn to. I don't think I could actually show her how much I appreciated it, but I really did... I was just too overwhelmed to figure out what to say, other thank "thank you". so again, Emilia, thank you endlessly for being such an amazing friend. <3 I love you.

we got to my place, and I know I seemed kind of off today. but my mind where just somewhere else all the fucking time, which was really annoying, and I have no idea why. but we went for a walk, and it was really cozy and nice, and I bought her some cake, too. it was the least I could do. but I hope she had a good time, even though I was so off all the fucking time. it was really nice to see her again, it's been 2 weeks since the last time I saw her.

then I had to meet up with a girl I've written with as a friend in a long time, but it all messed up. first, we had planned to meet at Ungeren, and I had (and still have) no idea how to get there, since I've never been there and don't intend to go there. then we had to meet at Bellahøj, but she had to go before I got there, so off I went again, this time to the city hall. finally, we met up, for 20 minutes only or so, because she had to leave with her school. she's from Fyn and is only in Copenhagen for the next two days, so we didn't have time to hang out. but it was nice to meet her, we've written together even before I met Jamie, so it was about time.

then I got home, hung out with Laura and David for 20 minutes, and then I hung out with Emma. I rarely see Emma anymore. it's really sad, and I miss the old times, where we hung out constantly. but now she has gotten a boyfriend, and has no time for me anymore. I miss the old times, where we would do crazy things together, drink and do awesome shit. I really miss it. but now, she claims she's not bisexual anymore, and she won't go to gay-clubs with me anymore. I miss when we would dress up and go to Vela and drink us beyond drunk and talk to random dudes on the streets. it was so much fun.
she's in a serious relationship, and is soon getting her boyfriend's first letter of his name on her ancle. and when his boyfriend turns 19, which he does in less than a month, they're even going to get engaged. and really? I'm honestly envious. I wish I could have that. I thought I could have that with that special someone. I feel rather.. well, not sad, but something close to that, when I think about it. they love each other so much, and they are both sure that they are gonna last forever. I'm happy for her, but bitter that I can't have it.

I've gotten this weird bruise or something, right underneath one of my stretches. it looks like an accumulation of blood. it's really gross, and I don't know why it's there. is it normal? or should I go talk to my piercer about it? it seems odd. haven't seen it before. or will it go away with time?
I can't wait to get them bigger, even though I don't want them that big. maybe 10-11mm-ish? what do you guys think? it that too big?

I have one of those days, where I want to pray to whatever deity there is out there, about my gender. I don't believe in any deities, but still... I feel incomplete, and like a failure. I like the thought of being able to shave my face, grow sideburns. liking my own body, scrawny and with muscles. deep voice. it's not that I want to be WITH a guy like that. (or well, I wouldn't mind). but it's because I want to BE that guy. and that annoys the shit out of me. I think it would have been easier if I was just born a boy. I'd probably be more comfortable with myself, but I can't know that for sure. but what I love about hanging out with Jonas and Frederik and Stefan, is that they treat me like one of the guys. and honestly? it feels amazing. it really does.