no matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.

long time no see! I haven't written in here for realz in, what, 2 weeks, since shit has gone down for that amount of time. but I consider it over now. I've realized some things, what to do and what not to do. the thing was, that I couldn't cope with the fact that I'm transgendered and gradually with gaining weight, I was suddenly so conscious about my figure. I've lost a few kgs during the 2 weeks I haven't written, but in a really unhealthy way - I was starving myself, and self-induced vomiting was also something I did daily. exercised waaay to much, and ate too little. and when I did eat, I purged.
but today, I woke up, and thought; "this can't be real. I won't get an eating disorder again. I will fight to get out of it", and looked up frightening stories, and worst-case-scenarios. and that, I must say, really helped. I found this article with very graphic pictures, about a girl who suffered from both anorexia and bulimia. she had eaten 5 liters of food (!), and when she purged, her stomach split open, causing her to die. that story really stuck to me, and when I think about not eating and when I have eaten and I feel like making myself sick, I think about her and her story.
so now, I'm not going to listen to the voices inside my head, but do it as healthily as possible. it's going to be hard, not listening to the voices, but better do it now, than when I had been too gone inside my own little world.
so yeah, I'm happy I came to this conclusion! :'D I'm going to swim tomorrow, and the day after that, I'm going to run and exercise. and then repeat everyday. I'm not gonna watch that much over how I eat, but just let it come, and stop eating when I'm not hungry - and NOT purge!
the last 2 weeks have been hell, to say it mildly. all I could think about was "diets", food, exercise and how much I hated my body, because of its gender. but I'm going to fight it - in a good way now!
I'm so sorry I caused so many persons concerns. I love you all, and thanks for being there. <3

on softer notes;
I went to Tivoli with some folks from my residency yesterday! I had a super awesome time. we have free cards to Tivoli, so we are there pretty often, but it was nice anyways. my boyfriend, Jonas, left earlier though, and I missed him.
so Laura, Nanna, Camilla and two of the hired from our residency tried rollercoasters and the like. it was so much fun, and I had a lovely time!

today, I'm going to celebrate Sankt Hans together with my sister, whom I haven't been together alone with in ages. I'm looking forward to it like a maniac! it's awesomesauce. <3
I have some booze, and I plan on getting a bit drunk together with her.

oh, and I'm going to London in a week from now! I CANNOT WAIT!!! AAAAARRRRRGHHH~ it's together with Emilia, and I can't describe how excited I am. we're just going to take a motherfucking bunch of pictures, drink lattes, and see different awesome places. and... we're going to see Vivienne Westwood's official store!!! <3 <3 <3
as you probably can see, I AM EXCITED.

but I'll update tomorrow or the day after, because I got to go now. take care babies. <3

"the best little girl in the world."

just a quick entry, since someone (*cough*) is forcing me to upload the pictures... <3
so Emilia and I made a photoshoot today, as she skipped school. I was behind the camera, and she was the gorgeous model. I was inspired by the novel, "The Best Little Girl In The World", written by Steven Levenkron.

we can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures ever-so-slender. taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

ladies and gentlemen, I have an amazing boyfriend. <3 as of the 2nd of June, we decided to make it official. we've been dating and fooling around for a month or more, and it's been amazing, it really has. his name is Jonas, and he's 18 and lives at my residency. he has big, beatiful blue eyes, and a great heart. he listens to me whenever I feel happy, and when I'm down, he listens. he has supported me in all ways imaginable, and I've helped him out quite a few times, too. he's really wonderful, and it feels incredible to be able to call him "mine". <3 we've been visiting his mum and my mum some days ago, and it was pretty awesome. his mum is sweet, and calls me her "son in law", hahahah. Jonas has met my mum before, and he loves her, so there's no problems there. we also went to Tivoli and ate at Wagamama last Thursday, which was really cozy and nice. uhmmm. <3 I'm so lucky to have him, I really feel like that!

but there's some things on my mind, which is bugging me. alot, actually. the thing is, that food and weight has become a part of my life again, at least for this time. I constantly think about what I eat, and I have food I'm not allowed to eat (which is pretty much everything), and food I'm allowed to eat. I want to loose weight so bad, and I want control.. if I am skinny, I won't get "my monthly visitor", and I won't have any curves. maybe then, I can feel better about my body, and try to beat my genes.
I looked through some old pictures of myself, when I weighed around 47 kgs, and I miss it so much. I weigh around 10 kgs more than that... so I'm on this crazy diet, where I pretty much only eat 500 to 600 calories a day. I eat soup, celery, cucumber, strawberries, bananas (even though I think about cutting that off, too), and rye bread crackers with salmon (but only if there's ALOT of chili on)... and that's about it. it's sick, and I fear the thought of getting anorexia again. I walk constantly. I just want to control myself, and I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.

but yeah, that was me whining. I just thought I would let you guys know, since the blog is mostly for close friends and myself.

but my days are actually pretty fine, and I'm enjoying life. I just miss my best friend so bad.

and now, I think I'm off to bed. I don't have much on my mind, and I don't really feel like talking about my days, since I can't really remember anything.

and because this song is on replay all the fucking time right at the moment, because it's marvelous and describes my feelings well;

Pompeii - Numbers.

Came at you in silence, my back at the wall.
"i've seen those nights where you binge and purge"
Those locks on your doors tell me when you're crouched on all fours
counting tile, losing bile and sleep.
"it's just a diet, i've kept it quiet. Even if you told all my family and
friends they would never believe it."
I think you're right. I can't believe it too
that it's you, but it's you.

My problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave,
I weighed out every option, that scale's not fit for advice.
Medical language won't ever help to shape this if that mind is just as frail
as it's frame.
you know i'd leave it alone.

We can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures
ever-so-slender
taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

Besides, my problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave
and heaving's kind of hard with your hands tied round your waist.
point out the obvious, tell me just how dangerous
then bundle every fight in an "isn't right" and leave it alone.

you're holding up my world, so I need you.

some days ago, I read some of my former blog entries, and I realized how happy and blissful my days are. of course, there's troubles and worries too, but nothing like my past and when I was at my sickest point in my life. I've survived so much, and it's paying off right at the moment, with good days and joy. I really realized how amazing and lovely my life is, and how great it is to be alive. I'm starting up at a school for writers this summer, and I really can't wait. it's going to be so good, and all I want is just to start up right now. it's mostly interviews and stuff like that, for the school magazine in Denmark. but we will also be working on poems, manuscripts, short stories, and prosa. I really can't wait! it's going to be amazing, to do something I want to everyday, and even getting paid for it. you get like.. 3-4000 a month, just for being there, and doing what you like to do. I'm so hyped up right now! I really hope I can get a spot there, I would absolutely love that. and some of my friends go at that school too, just on other lines of creativity. for example, my great friend Emma will be going there next year again (she went last school year too), just on the music line. Emilia, too, have gone there. she was on the photo line, and one of the former residents at my residency has gone to the writer's line, too. argh, I really can't wait!! I will probably be there for half a year, and when it's around Christmas, I'll try to get a spot at Grib Chancen, so I can finish my education. it's lovely, and I really do feel like I can manage it. last year, I couldn't and dropped out. this time, I'm almost sure it will be different.
so I'm happy.

I have an amazing, heart-tugging best friend, and she's incredible. and so beautiful. she supports me in everything, and is completely honest in everything she vents with me. I wanted to see her today, but I think she didn't ask her parents.. I want to see her this weekend, since I miss her so much. she's really incredible and fun. we always do crazy and chillax and fat stuff when we're together. crazy, like being extremely uncharming and fooling around with weird stuff, like making a homemade lava-lamp out of sugar, soy sauce and other stuff you shouldn't mix together. chillax, like gaming video games, and spending our summer playing frisbee at the park while drinking. fat, like eating everything that is possible to eat, HAHAHA.
come visit me, darling.. <3

and I have amazing friends, who supports me in being transsexual, my past, my thoughts and my good and bad days. thanks to all of you, I've become so much more happy than I have ever been, and I can't thank you all enough for that. you make life worth living.

yesterday, I went out with Jonas, to meet his mother for the first time. oh, yeah, Jonas is my love at the moment.. surprised? most aren't. hahaha.
anyway, we went to his mum's place, which took us like an hour to get there on the way there, and only took us 20 minutes on the way home. FAIL! I was really nervous, I always am, when I meet my crushes/lover's parents. I don't know why. maybe it's because I want to make a great impression as possible, because if they can't accept me, why should my love then? and I know how much Jonas' mum means to him, he loves her with all of his heart. so we bought some beautiful orchids on the way, and met up with her and drank a beer/somersby, before we headed home to her place. it's a really nice little apartment she's got, in my opinion. oh, and I found the cutest picture ever! <3 it's a picture of Jonas when he was around 15 years old, and he looks so adorable and way too cute. I got all happy when I found that picture, and now it's the background on my cellphone. you gotta see it;

ISN'T HE ADORABLE!? hahahhahaha. he was so pop, it seems. but so cute. I just wanna pinch his cheeks and nawww. <3
we drank some red wine at his mum's place, before eating, and sat there, talking. or, it was mostly them talking, since it was about his past, and what he had done and not done. it was a rather sad conversation, actually, but I knew it all because we've talked about it several times, for hours, I think. he has been through some rough shit, and I'm so proud of him that he's totally done with it all. I am really proud of him. <3
we ate spareribs (which were like, really delicious) and baked potatoes and more red wine. it was nice, even though I got a bit drunk. we left after dinner, bought some more wine, and headed home to our residency, hand in hand. when we got home, we talked about some things I have to settle with him, if we were to get in a relationship, which we absolutely will. and he was so understanding, kind and sweet. he totally gets me, which I appreciate from the bottom of my heart. it was amazing. I'm still in awe over how gentle and incredible he is, and I will be so proud to someday call him mine. <3

today, I was woken up by him at 9:30 or so, because we had to help his mother moving some furniture. it was kind of a hard job. then when we got home, we laid in the grass in sunshine.
later, we're going to Tivoli, just to walk around for an hour or so, since we have this free card to it. after that, we're going out eating. we're going to eat at Wagamama, and I already know what I want from there; teriyaki salmon soba, NOM NOM NOM. <3

my heart is full of candies, bubbles and confetti, and I feel like I'm soon gonna explode with happiness. <3

you make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer. and I need you now somehow.

I've returned from Greece/Karpathos, and it was absolutely awesome. I miss it already! I didn't do that much, other than reading in the sun, drinking cocktails, eating delicious food, sleeping and sunbathing. that was pretty much my everyday. it was so nice! :] but there was rain and stormy weather two of the days, which I spent on reading and sleeping. I read Sputnik Sweetheart, by Haruki Murakami, and it's a very beautiful, deep book, in my opinion. it makes some good points, and there was a lot of great metaphors in it, too. and then, of course, there's a lot of thoughts and talks in the book, about Sputnik. and I absolutely adore Sputnik. <3 it meant a lot to me at a time, it still does. that you're miles up in the air, circling around the Earth, crying out to the world before your feet, as you burn up in space by yourself. it's hard to explain, but I really identified with Sputnik at a time. I still do sometimes, and it's one of the most beautiful things man has ever created, in my opinion.
but back to the vacation - it was so lovely. I ate swordfish one of the days, and it was so tastaaay! haha. and the cocktails were amazing. I ended up drunk after only 2 drinks one of the days, because they were so strong. it was rather embarassing.
and the view from the balcony was incredible. I can't even describe it. it was stunning.. <3
bought some presents/souvenirs to Laura, Jonas, Cecil and Emilia, and they seemed to like them. they were incredibly cheesy, those presents, hahahah. but yeah.

I also realized something during the vacation, that I indeed am in love with him, that utterly sweet guy I know. he's so kind, and I get this lovely feeling bubbling up inside, when I think of him. he picked me up at the airport, and just seeing his face was enough to overwhelm me with euphoria as I slung my arms around his neck and kissed him gently. just... ARGH! hahahahah. <3 I am full of happiness and bubbly hearts and confetti at the moment.
I woke up in his arms the day after I returned home, and I realized how incredible and blissful it all felt.

when I got home from Greece, I hung out with Emma, Jonas, Askur and Loop. it was so lovely to see them all again, and I've really missed all their weird comments and thoughts. we (minus Emma) went out and smoked some pot, the four of us, and I got really high. it was fun, even though it was raining. I know it's stupid of me to smoke all that jazz, but the last many times I've done it, I haven't badtripped or felt down the day after. at least I'm only doing it once in a while, and not everyday. :]
got home, talked and had fun with the others, and snuggled up.

then yesterday, Emilia came over! ARGH, SO NICE TO SEE HER AGAIN. <3 we just chilled and ate McD food and being uncharming as always, when I got this impulse; angelbites. which my sister would be giving me as a present... which I have wanted in half a year now.. SO OFF WE WENT TO THE PIERCEEEERRRRR. it wasn't the piercer I normally go to when I get pierced, because his shop wasn't open, and it was more expensive. so I went to the piercer who made my old bridge. he fucked up, and I got pierced 3 times instead of 2, so I have a small hole under one of the piercings. and then he put in the wrong jewelry to start with. I wasn't that pleased...
but I'm happy about the result! I removed the three I had under my lip, so it wasn't too intense. but today, when I woke up, my upper lip was completely swollen and ew. ): I looked, and still do, like someone who's gotten botox or sumthin. can't wait for my lip to swollen down again, haha.

and today, I went home to my mum's place, together with Laura. she wanted some of my old clothes from when I was girly. instead, we ended up nomming like maniacs, eating both cashew nuts, chips and Ben&Jerry's. but it was nice, haha! oh, and we watched The L Word season 4. I had a really great time together with her, and I've missed her so much. <3

but I gotta go now, that cute boy is in my room now, and I want to spend time with him. have a great time everyone. <3

I know, you know, you knew, you never could.

yo all! wassup? are you all enjoying yourself? 'cause I sure am. life is weird and wonderful, in a strange way. a lot of things has gone up and down since the last time I wrote, which is a pretty long time ago actually. I've turned 18, so legally, I'm an adult now. it's weird, and I can't really get the thought smashed into my head yet. I still see myself as a kid, probably always will do. I don't believe that I'll ever grow up, I'll end up like Peter Pan instead, just by heart. he's my rolemodel, actually. I was told by my aunt or something like that, that I had always reminded her of him, and I got so happy. it was around my mum's birthday, I think I've mentioned that on my blog in an earlier entry. I'm happy.

so yeah, I turned 18! woo. I had an awesome day. I spent my last evening as 17 in my mum's kitchen, together with Jonas, reminiscing good times and bad times from my life. went for a walk with him, and we ended up at the same hospital I was at 2 years ago. it brought a lot of memories along, just being there. but I'm glad he was with me, even though he really hates hospitals, especially "loonybins". it meant a lot to me.

then came Tuesday, my birthday. got woken up by my mum and my sister singing "happy birthday" to me, including a rather disturbing "remix" of the song. hahahha. ate homebaked buns and drank hot chocolat and had fun with my family and Jonas. I could already sense that the day was going to be awesome.
then in the afternoon I went home to my residency together with Jonas. went to the piercer with Nanna, but he wasn't on work, so we couldn't get our tongue piercings shortened. oh yeah, I got a tongue piercing 2 weeks ago, and it's absolutely awesome to have it back. :'D I love it.

then Emilia, my good friend, came over, and gave me some really amazing presents. apparently, she remembered what my favorite perfume is, even though I've only mentioned it to her once or so. so she gave me that, 2 packs of Blue Kings cigarettes, 200 DKK and and and.... 2 DVDS OF "LAND BEFORE TIME"!!!! I was so touched and happy, and I couldn't stop smiling. she's really a great friend, she is. I love her. from Jonas, I got a really sweet letter, and in the upcoming month, I'll get "my real present". can't wait. my mum is giving me a tattoo, and my sister is paying for my angelbites, which I'm getting when I come home from vacation. my brother gave me 800 DKK, and Askur, 2 packs of Blue Kings.<3

then we ate tortillas at my residency and made layercake with strawberry and banana, nom nom nom nom. <3 it was OSSUM. so good, I tell you, so good!
and then we headed off to Tivoli, 3 of my friends and I. I'm keeping them anonymous this time, because there's some private stuff about them I need to tell after this, because it's something that's bugging me. but we had a really great time, ate candyfloss and rode rollercoasters and laughed a hella lot. I couldn't figure out how I could get a better 18th birthday, tbh, besides that Cecil would be there with me, too. <3 I miss her so much.

the thing is... I've written about this crush I have, right? well, it's not quite over. and going to Tivoli only made me realize that it was more than a crush at that time.. it's getting better now, it's slowly starting to go away. but the thing is, that one of the guys I live with, has gotten feelings for her, and she's got feelings for him too. so whenever she held her arm, tried rollercoasters together or something, I felt so fucking frustrated, because I saw her as my girlfriend. it's kind of ridiculous.
but I've come to terms with the fact that I cannot get her, and I'm getting over her.

and also; the thing that made me slowly start to get over her, was a conversation with a good friend of mine. he confessed his feelings to me, and we talked it over. I've also felt like I eventually could get feelings for him, same as he says he's confused about right at the moment. love is a big blur for me at the moment, to be completely honest. because I miss him when I'm not with him, and we kiss, hold hands and fool around everyday, acting exactly like lovers do. it's really weird, but it feels right. it really does. but we are both not sure about our feelings, because it's not like a new summer love. we've known each other for a while now, half a year I think. we've loved each other in a few months, too, but just as friends to start with.
frankly, I really don't know what to do. as I wrote before, love is a big blur for me, and I'm so confused. is it possible to have a crush on two persons at the same time?

I'm leaving Denmark on Sunday, and I will be back in a week or so. I can't wait. going to Greece, hellz yeah baby! I'm gonna get so fat and tanned, hahaha. it's lovely.

I hope you all will enjoy your days. <3

"it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me instead of me trying to adapt to my body".

I don't really have that much to say about my days this time, but I have a lot on my mind. I know some will be annoyed and shit, but I need to get things off my chest, since this is MY blog - I'm not writing it to please anyone else.
I'm soon 18, in 15 days, to be more specific. I've had a hard time figuring out who I am, and I've been through a lot of phases with my appearance and self-perception. when I was around 12 or so, I started to think; "why can't I be the male model in the magazine?" and cried by my self when I went to bed and I was alone. I was scared of growing up. now, I've realized something. I'm still scared of growing up, with all the responsibility you get. but I realized it was not that I was afraid of. I was scared of becoming a woman, with a curvy body and the way I was going to be "decided by others how to live my life". like, for an instant, I was the one who were to get pregnant, if I ever wanted kids of my own. I've been extremely terrified of pregancy and delivering a child as long as I can remember, because it just wasn't fit for me. I remember my mum once read a book aloud when I was around 5 years old, and I started weeping like a maniac, because I was so afraid and disgusted. it's weird I still can recall it. but it stuck to me.
when I was around 14, I started dressing in a Japanese style, visual kei. I put pictures up on a site called DeviantArt, pictures of myself. and I remember people started questioning my gender. and you know what? I felt so happy. I can't describe it. at first, I told people I was a girl, because that's what my body told me. then, when more people began to question it, I changed my gender on my profile from "girl" to "unknown". when people asked, I answered "I'll leave that to you to decide". I was like.. 14 back then. and I kept doing that.
I felt dysphoria about my body, but because I was underweight, I felt more like a boy. I had no real curves at all. but then I gained weight, during my hospitalization and treatment for depression and atypical schizophrenia. I was used to being skinny, because I've been that my entire life, and suddenly I couldn't control my own body.
I started dressing really girly. on a normal day, I would wear foundation, concealer, lots of mascara and eyeliner. wore over-the-top girly dresses. acted really girly, too. some times a week, I would also wear fake lashes. when I was back with my second ex-boyfriend, I started dressing in a Japanese style (again), this time "gyaru/gal". really girly style. some days, though, I would dress in onii kei, also known as "big brother style". that phase took a while, dressing up everyday. then I got my third ex-boyfriend, where I still dressed really girly, but now in my own style. but I started to feel like it was not me. we talked about it, and I came to the conclusion that I was genderqueer. I identified as that for a while. but then I felt like it just wasn't right.
I started getting more and more masculine. I felt more comfortable and like I had found myself. it felt right. I started feeling better about myself, and gained more of confidence. not a lot, though, but I gained what I could get, when you're sensitive.
back in the summer, I was really psychotic. that was also the time I was really girly. I think it came from surpressing myself. or maybe all the weed I smoked. but it's pretty much gone by now, probably because of the medicin I intake. maybe because I've come to terms with who I am, I don't know, to be honest, and I don't really care. it's over!
I've owned a binder for a year now, and I used it once in a while when I wanted to look like a boy. now, because I've worn it too much over the past few 6 months circa, it's stretched out and doesn't really work. so I'm currently using gaze, which makes me totally flat.
I don't feel like a girl. not a tomboy, because I'm not. I've had two transsexual boyfriends, and I could relate to them and understand them. I thought I was genderqueer for a while, but it turned out that I wasn't. pretty much everyone at my residency knows about my self-perception now, and they all see me as a dude, one of their bros, as they say, haha. they treat me like I want to be treated, and it feels right. they see right through me.
I've finally realized who I am, and who I will become. not a woman, but a man. and it sure took me 18 years to figure that out, even though I've felt like a boy since I was twelve. I've realized that I was so over-the-top back when I was girly, that I dressed up and tried to prove people I was someone I wasn't. I was always "me", I was just surpressing myself, though. and I finally feel like I'm myself, and at peace with that. I was dressing in drag, with lipstick and poofy skirts and extensions.
I might not be the most masculine person in the whole world, but it's not what's typical of a boy to like, but what's inside your heart and head, I've realized.
I had an anxiety attack yesterday, because some boys at a male shop couldn't figure my gender out, and was all like "is that a girl? no, look at her legs. it's a girl." I felt so fucking frustrated, like I can't fool anyone, make anyone see the real me. dressed up in women's clothing a week ago, because I was thinking stuff like "I will never become a real boy". in the end, I just got more down than I've been in.. a really long time, and psychotic, because I surpressed myself. I'm not a girl.

so in short version pl0x - yes, I'm coming out as a transsexual boy, an FTM. and it sure is hard for me to write this entry, you have no idea. I'm afraid people won't believe me, because I've been so girly in my appearence. but I am who I am mentally, and it just took me a while to figure it all out.

and what am I gonna do about the future? I turn 18 on May 17th, and I'm leaving Denmark for a week on the 22nd, will be back around May 29th. but when I get back, I'm going to talk to my doctor, about getting a refferal to a specialist, because I can't get through to the Sexoligical Clinic because I have a diagnosis. it's okay, though. I've heard that sexological clinic is a stuck-up little bitch, with a stick in their ass. so I'm more comfortable with the specialist.
but I'm trying to get a yes on starting on hormones, as soon as possible. I don't want to waste my life on being someone I'm not. I really, really hope for a yes.
I have an inheritance from my father, and I think I will spend them on an apartment and my transition. he probably wouldn't be proud of me, but I think he would like that I would become "the real me".

it would be lovely to someday be able to say; "it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me, instead of me trying to adapt to my body", as Skylarkeleven once said in his early transition.