I miss you, I miss you.

this is my, what... fifth update today? I have a lot to talk about I guess, and somehow not really, right? it's always the same subjects. anyway, it's 2:42 AM, and I can't sleep. I took some melantonin (sleeping pills), but it didn't really work on me. I'm a little bit tired, but I can't rest. probably because I'm not happy with my cuts. I harmed myself a little earlier this night. it's sick to know that you take a blade and drag it across your skin and hurt yourself on purpose. it's really sick, and I'm somehow disgusted by that thought, because it reminds me of slicing meat. disgusting.
I hurt myself. made about 20-25 small cuts on my arm, but they were no way near deep enough, and I didn't even want them deep at all. they'll probably be gone in a few days. I kinda regret I did it, because soon, my lower arm will be full if I continue like this. hopefully, these will go away. the others, I can live with those, but for some reason not these. maybe, again, because they are not deep. it makes me feel like a failure, that I can't even put enough pressure into the blade. I shouldn't blame myself, it was actually the blade that was too small for my fingers. it was some of those from a Venus Embrace-thingey. but I hope, of course, that all my scars will disappear someday. I'm not proud of doing this at all, it's actually the opposite. I just don't want to hide it anymore, because it doesn't make anything better. I've learned that talking about it only helps.

why do I sound so fucking emo all the time?

but when I do it, I get this rush, this pleasant, numb feeling inside of me, it's like I'm in a coma. after that, my head starts spinning and I feel dizzy. then regret comes. why did I do it? and why do I need it? sometimes, I don't even care why I do/did it. I feel like I'm retarded (no, not the slang, but mentally retarded, like the way people can't help it) when I come to think of it, because only stupid people would do this to themselves. I know that's not true, though, a lot of intelligent people have done it.

the worst part is, that even though I have done it this night, I can't fall asleep. I'm not calm. I just need a hug and a talk with someone I care for. that's all I need.
I'm actually in a pretty nice mood, just a little frustrated. fucking cuts. going insane here.

I'll make a post more, that one not about self-harming.