I'm not really drunk anymore, so that's good. I've decided to make a list for myself now, and hopefully, I'll follow it.REASONS I HARM.
☆: to get control over my life. only here, I feel like I can control it. it's weird, because really, I'm not controling anything, and I know it. but it's just.. I can't control what I eat, what I do, what I say, see and feel, so the only way I feel I can control my emotions, is when I harm myself, no matter if it's holding my water under almost boiling water, hit myself or getting others to do it, or slicing my skin open. then, I can control how hard I want it, how much I want it, and how deep I want it. it sounds sick. it probably is, too.
☆: to sleep. I can't sleep without it, or so my mind tells me. it calms me in a whole different way, almost better than orgasms. I get this rush of calmess and kindness inside. it's like OCD. my mind forces me to do it.
☆: to punish myself. I feel bad at some point, I feel like it's my fault everyone around me are are sad. I feel like it's I'm the reason why people keep on dying. I said I hate him (not to his face), and a day after, he gets a heartattack and they find out he has cancer. I know it's not my fault.. my mind is just very convincing.
☆: instead of starving myself and smoking weed.
REASONS WHY I WANT TO STOP.
☆: I don't want to end up all covered in scars, pushing away people.
☆: My best friend. she doesn't deserve to see me like this. she has done so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without her, and I'm afraid self-harming might push her away.
☆: Jamie. He is the reason I want to quit, because I know how much it affects him, because he as also been self-harming.
☆: Nanna. We made a deal about stopping harming ourselves and smoking weed together, because it's bad for us. I don't want to drag her down with me, if I started again.
☆: my mom. when she saw my latest scars, she went home crying. I don't want her to be sad anymore.
☆: I'm hurting everyone around me.
REASONS WHY NOT TO STOP:
☆: because I need it more than I feel the need to breathe. I don't want to die, though, not anymore. I just need it, it's like a drug.
☆: it releases endorphines.
☆: it makes me happy for a moment.
☆: because it's way too hard.
☆: because sometimes, I just want to continue.
I like the list you did. but I would say that; if I should make a list like that, I wouldn't do the last part. reasons not to stop. cause when I would look back at the list, it would remind me of how great it would be if I just, you know, and then I would continue to do it. but if you feel like it's helping, writing it down too, then it's good.
SvarSletI really like that you started to write things down, it also helps me to make myself understand this more, and this situations. I've only once tried the feeling of wanting to cut myself, but I was too big of a pussy to do so.
I really love that I can see now, that you want to stop and also is trying to do so. <3 that makes me happy, honey. <3 I will support you any time, and if you need help, you can call me whenever you want to.<3
I love the picture for some reason... XD
I do have such a list in my mind as well. But I don't have any reason to stop.
SvarSletI accepted my self-harm as a part of me and I'm not ashamed anymore if anyone sees my scars. It belongs to me, it is a part of me, I don't judge and hate myself for it anymore. When I need it, I just do it.
And, you will laugh, because I think this way, the urge to do it has become much smaller.
If I force myself to never do it again, I want it even more.
If I allow myself to do it anytime, I don't need to.
I don't know how it is with you... But to accept and allow it helps me more to quit than to forbid it.
I hope you understand what I'm saying...
<3