while she hides the scars underneath her pretty clothes.

I went shopping with Laura, and later on, Emma yesterday. I found out that I have around 4000 DKK in the bank, so I celebrated it by shopping. I bought a bunch of nice stuff, huhuhuuu. this flowery dress I'm planning on using a day I'm playing pin-up, a long t-shirt I can use as a dress too, a dress with a big ribbon on, an owl necklace, bandanas, a pair of shoes and then the most AWESOME thing ever; CAREBEAR EARPLUGS. YES, FUCKING CAREBEAR EARPLUGS. HOW AWESOME IS THAT NOT!? I love them to pieces, they are so great and awesome. they're blue and was really cheap.
Emma had 500 DKK, and suddenly, she was all made of "shouldn't I get a Medusa? Taxi Piercing is still open", so down we went. it was really random, but she got her medusa, and it looks amazing on her, like what she has been missing in her face. it really matches her features great.

then we got home and ate, talked about piercings and tattoos at the dinner table, and our addiction to it. after that, Emma and I were bored, so we decided to go to Christiania and smoke some weed. I didn't get that high, because we only had under a half left, for two persons.. normally, we smoke half a joint each before we get high, so that's understandable that we didn't really got like that... I spend too much smoking lately. but hey, I've cut down on my regular LA cigarettes! that's good! I know weed is worse, and I should stop and all..

I will write again later, I think. right now, I just don't know what to write, but I have a lot of things on my mind I want to tell about.

Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes
She sings:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

come on baby, you can bleed like me.

I bought this French-ish hat today! I love it already, muhahah. it matches pretty well with my current style, so I'm pleased. now I have approximately... 60 DKK, for the rest of the week, until Saturday. (have you ever noticed that when spelling "Saturday", you also spell "turd"? I have. because I'm lame).
On Saturday, I'm going to a Hero and Villain party at The Rock, if laura's coming with me and I'm not seeing Jamie. it's gonna be awesome. I'm planning on being a villain with a black, detailed mask and black shiny leggins. the rest will probably be red.

I've been to school today, woohoo! I lasted the entire lesson again, and I'm planning on going there tomorrow too. life is taking small steps in the right direction, I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love dearly, great friends surrounding me everyday, and last but not least, the cherry on the cake, my best friend I love more than anything. when I come to think of it, I can't say that I have been lonely in the past... 2 months, I think... it's scary to think that, that I'm always together with someone, besides nighttime when I sleep. I'd like to sleep with Jamie next to me every night though...
anyway, school. during a break, I decided to go out and get a smoke, and suddenly these two dudes turns up, asking me "why I have so many piercings". I mean, herpderp. why do you think so? because I like them, and I find them beautiful. then they asked me if I'm happy about them. told them yes. and then they asked me again, "why do you have them?". while I talked, they seemed like it was very funny that I have them. HERPDERP COME ON I ONLY SIGNED UP FOR A SMOKE. luckily, one of the girls from my class came to rescue me, so off we went.

yesterday, I went to Christiania again, and got high with Laura. chillaxing to tha maaaax. it was dark outside, so someone had lit a bonfire in the middle of the hills. so we decided to sit us there and smoke a joint, and look at people. it was really nice. then I got my eatingface on, and ate a falafel and a pancake. yummay man!
so basically, I've been to Staden all days this weekend. :D fun times, fun times. I enjoy being young.

I fly like paper, get high like planes.

I managed the entire lesson yesterday in Danish class! that's the first time. I've been through a whole English class before, but I'm surprised that I could actually hold it throughout the entire, boring, lesson. I'm so good, hahaha. fail. my life is pure failz000r.
after school, I decided to go visit my sister at work and eat some sushi, since I had nothing to do and Emma wasn't home (I think). so off to Fields I went. I got tempura, omelettes, tofu and salmon. mhhhhm, I love sushi. it's unfair, there's a sushi restaurant right across the street from where I live. everytime I walk by, I can't help but feel a little tempted to eat there, but I unfortunately, I don't have enough monies to go nomming there.
after I had eaten at my sister's work, I picked up my mom. then I got home at my old place and slept for an hour or so, and then we just talked about all and everything. it was really nice, and I enjoyed it to the maaaaax. my mother is so sweet, even though we have had our discussions and problems. she has met someone new she's just having fun with, but she's still in love in Bjarne. it's so sad. it was the love of her life, she said.
I picked up a bunch of my CD's and DVD's, now that I can play them on my computer again. ommenommmmm. hahahaha.
we also talked about funerals, and how we want ours. kinda depressing, but it's really good to know stuff like that.. I guess.
then I got back home, where Emma and I decided to party and go to Vela. it's been a whole month since the last time I were there, it's weird. there was this girl who kept hitting on me heavily, but I just told her that I had a boyfriend. she didn't mind that, it appeared, because she kept touching me all the fucking time.. D: it was really unpleasant, I must admit that.
there wasn't really that party at Vela, and those girls we were talking with had to go at 11 PM, so we decided to leave and go to Christiania. smoked some weed and got high. it's a long time ago since I was high, which I'm pretty proud of. but it felt so... so good.

is it cool if I hold your hand?

the last two days has been splendid.. hearts and flowers. omg, I can't describe how happy I feel. Yesterday, Jamie and I decided that he should come visit me since he had the monies. it was the first time he saw my place. yesterday, we did nothing really, just chillaxed in my bed and slept for some hours together. we woke up at 4 AM, and were all made of "where the shit did all these hours go?". hahahah. we also went out at around 9 PM to buy some stuff, which also was really cozy and nice. we've been drinking so much Schnapple these days! :D it tastes like fucking heaven, hahah. they're worth the 20 DKK it costs. nomz.
he slept at my place. originally, he had plans at 11 AM and I had to go to school, but he decided to skip his shrink and I just met in later. I sat him off at Frederiksberg Centeret and went to school for an hour or so. I couldn't really concentrate, as always.
after school, I picked my boy up and we had nothing to do, so I thought of this awesome idea; why not go to the zoo when I have free cards from there? wohoo. so off we went on our first date. (harharh, must listen to that blink 182 song, First Date now.)
we also went to Children's Zoo, hence the picture. we fucking played with goats! 8D I dared him to get in there with the goats, and so he did. I just had to take a picture...
I forgot I had to go see my shrink, so I sat him off once again, because I couldn't get out of that appointment, since my contact person was coming too. luckily, it only lasted for about half an hour. after that, we went to a restaurant to eat. it was sooo fucking tasty, the dishes we got! we got these beefs and french fries with fucking three times of whiskey sauce. the sad thing is... we ate all the sauce. *facepalm*
he stayed at my place until 10:30 PM, and I have had two wonderful days. I love that guy, I'm so fucking in love with him. he makes me feel right, makes me laugh and makes me happy. I couldn't ask for more than what he does to me, he completely understands me.

now take of that dress and go to sleep.

I went to Tisvilde with Emma and Berit, our contact person, this Friday. my residence own this little house up there, and it was raining and storming, which was so nice. nomz. since there was no TV nor internet, we just used our time talking, and they played a game while I drew. I got some pretty fine drawings out of that. we talked about all and everything, about our sicknesses and weaknesses and our past, which made me understand myself and Emma even better. we have a lot in common when it comes to our past and our personalities. all in all, we just had a really nice time up there, and Emma and I stayed up until late, just smoking and doing weird stuff, like smearing her entire knee in vaseline. our excuse? we were bored. one time when she was bored and by herself, she decided for some reason to smear her whole face in vaseline, hahahha. that girl is awesome.

Saturday, we went to Sweden to shop. oh la laaaa. I bought this fancy, antique-ish, flowery dress, and I love it so much. I wore it today, and everyone told me I looked cute. I'm so happy I bought it, I really am! I was almost about to buy the same dress in black, but decided to buy the antique white one instead.

Sunday, I didn't really do anything I can remember of, besides hanging up my new hot poster of two girls naked in the shower with each other, which I got as a present from Nanna, since she went to Berlin. I love it already. she flipped through a poster magazine and found it, and thought of me for some reason, hahahahahha. I'm so gay, I know it. *looks at wall with naked chicks*
I had decided to surprise attack Jamie at the airport, so I was all dolled up since I had nothing to do, and had my presents for him ready and were about to leave, when suddenly, my phone rings. it was Jamie. apparently, they came earlier than expected, so my plans totally fell down the drain, hahah. it was nice to hear his voice again, and he had had such an amazing trip to Egypt. nomz.
so I visited him today after school, arriving at 1 PM. I went home at 10:30 PM. we basically used most of our time talking about what we had being done while apart, snuggled and teased each other (or rather me teasing him). I love him. it was amazing to see him, I'm having such a blast in this relationship. mmmhm. *purrr*

and now, I'll smoke some fags and watch The L Word.

ash to ash.

I fell from the mothership.

yesterday was nice. I had to be in school by nine o'clock, but I woke up at ten. then I decided that I should just fuck it and skip it. so instead, I just slept until 12 o'clock and fucked a bit around at home. I honestly don't remember what I was doing... probably nothing of any kind of interest. maybe I was online? I think I was. anyway, this is not interesting.
oh, I ate tofifee with Emma! they're so delicious, I seriously love that kind of chocolate. om nom nomz... I love it.

Emma, Laura and I decided to go to Strøget, since I needed some private stuff, so we went there for about an hour. unfortunately, one of the shops where I had to buy one of my personal things was closed, so instead I ate a calzone from 7eleven. holy shit, they taste like NOM. mmmmhm.. if I had more money, I'd buy it again, but I don't. :( blergh.
and then we went to this other shop where I bought the other thing I wanted, and then we headed home. when I came home, I hung out with Nanna, because she's leaving for Berlin tomorrow. I'm gonna miss her so much, she's so weird and kind.
anyway, now the fun arrives! we decided to dress up as scenegirls. hahahahahahah. funky. which explains the picture. and it was everything typical scene. I even had my eyebrows painted with black. hahaha. it was fun times. nanna on the other hand, looked so beautiful. it actually looks great on her. I just looked like white trash.

now, I'm just waiting for my psychiatrist to arrive, but as always, he's late. I don't like him, he says some weird shit and is very rude. like, NO, emma can decide who is her father!! urgh.

hiding the tears in my eyes, 'cause...

boys don't cry!

oh yes, it's real. fucking real. and it will stay on my body forever. it's amazing, and I'm so in love with it. I keep thinking "it will probably disappear when I wake up tomorrow", but it will be there. when I'm happy, it'll be there, laughing with me. when I'm sad, it'll comfort me. holy shitballz, I find this quite amazing. "boys don't cry" means so fucking much to me, both the movie and the song, and just the expression in general. I still don't identify as a woman or a girl for that matter, but neither as a boy. as Jamie once asked me, I'm probably genderqueer.
but this means so much to me, it really does. I can describe how happy and excited I am. I love this piece so much.

so I got tattooed today, and so did Emma. it's really, really beautiful what she has now, it's a rose where the stilk goes around like a bracelet around her wrist. the rose was Ed Hardy inspired. it looks amazing on her. om nom nomz. she had an appointment at 1 PM, and we were done first at 4 PM. three hours, but it was all worth it, and I'm pretty sure she agrees. Emma is so sweet, and we have some awesome inside-jokes. HJORTEKID?

I feel like whining about Jamie, but I won't... D: there's only a week until he returns, I just have to keep myself busy, so time will go faster. my mother is also on vacation, I don't recall where, but she says it's great. I want to go to Finland again, it was just the best vacation ever.

and the walls are closing in.

god, I love him so much. isn't he cute? I completely adore him, I'm planning on making him a friend, too, in a smaller version. it took some time to create him, and he's not done yet. I can't figure out what I'm missing, but something is certainly not there.. but he has a heart, so he can love and care for people and beauty within. he also has pinkish red sides, and then his front is more silver metal-ish. but he's cute, ain't he?

tomorrow, there's a week until Jamie returns from Egypt. I miss him so much, and all I can do is to whine about it all the time. I really do believe that I love that guy, even though we have only been together for almost 3 weeks.. I can't wait to tell him that. it's just when I'm with him, I feel completely like myself, like when I am with my best friend. I can do and say what I want to.

Nanna and I decided to watch some parts of Girl, Interrupted earlier this evening. god, I love that movie so much, I can almost all lines from that film. <3

home could be anywhere, when I'm holding you.

fucking nice evening/night. originally, Emma and I wanted to go out, but she had another date and I wasn't really feeling like going out, so I decided to stay home and just watch some movies and stuff. Nanna and I took a photoshoot of me, and they actually turned out pretty acceptable. then we decided to "celebrate the mighty Friday", so we went down to the local market and bought 6 ciders each. I ended up drinking seven, because she couldn't finish her last one. then we got a bit drunk, and just had a lot of fun and talked about stupid things. we also pretended to be psychotic everytime someone came by, so we acted all out and crazy, haha. nie times, nice times. then we headed home at around midnight, and decided to go get a single smoke with Camilla and Stefan. it turned out to many more, and we first parted from each other around 4 AM. talked about a lot of stuff, some more serious and some quite entertaining, like sex habits and the like. so I pretended I rode Nanna, hahahahah. we also played around with a bunch of condoms, blowing them into balloons and smearing them in lube. Nanna wanted to kiss Stefan all night, so they fooled around a lot, fighting and picking on each other in a loving manner. they didn't kiss though, but close enough.

oh, and I'm building a robot! 8D it's made out of thick paper. it's pretty damn awesome, and it does resemble Awesome-O a bit. I painted the boxes today, silver and pinkish red. I want it to be a love robot. I don't know what his name will be yet, though... I'll figure something out. I'm planning on drawing a heart for him, because even robots need hearts. he's just as human as everyone else, eh?

oh, and the picture was from when Nanna and I came home from our drinking trip, and decided to crash on the kitchen floor. Stefan took the picture. I'm growing really fond of everyone here, they are amazing in all different kind of ways. I'm really happy I moved in here. I truly am.

I love you to the bones.

mhmmmm, delicious layercake. <3 you just felt like.... AAAAAAAHHHH when eating it, it was amazing. mhm, I could talk about this cake forever and ever, mhm. <3 and the cream! the cream!! AAAAAAAH. <3 we did a pretty good job on that one. I must admit.

speaking of banana, don't know why, but one of my cigarettes randomly tasted like it. it was pretty weird and more or less freaky, so I smoked it fast and put it out. I remember when I was little, I actually liked the taste of banana, but one day, I just decided that I didn't like it anymore because of the consistence and because it's sticky. so I didn't eat bananas for years.. it was almost the same about strawberries. I really loved strawberries, but after eating them when I was a child, I got so sick and threw it all up. then, of course, I didn't want to eat them anymore. because I wasn't used to the sweet taste, I started to hate them. now I like them, though.

I'm starting to get tired, but I can't allow myself to go to bed. this sucks monkey balls.

I smoke too much at the moment. one pack per day. Nanna is quitting when she comes home from Berlin, maybe I should try to cut down on my smokes too. I need my morning smoke, though, you get so lovingly fucked up in your head. the others are just pure habit, or because I feel the need to. hmmm...

I can't wait to see Jamie again. my mother has bought me a zone card so I can go visit him when I want to. my mom's so sweet, she's really supportive. I love her so much.

I WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP BUT I CAN'T. I guess I'm too screwed in my head right now, ain't I? normal people would just go to sleep. yours truly, on the other hand, stays up late because her mind tells her she doesn't deserve rest.

I miss you, I miss you.

this is my, what... fifth update today? I have a lot to talk about I guess, and somehow not really, right? it's always the same subjects. anyway, it's 2:42 AM, and I can't sleep. I took some melantonin (sleeping pills), but it didn't really work on me. I'm a little bit tired, but I can't rest. probably because I'm not happy with my cuts. I harmed myself a little earlier this night. it's sick to know that you take a blade and drag it across your skin and hurt yourself on purpose. it's really sick, and I'm somehow disgusted by that thought, because it reminds me of slicing meat. disgusting.
I hurt myself. made about 20-25 small cuts on my arm, but they were no way near deep enough, and I didn't even want them deep at all. they'll probably be gone in a few days. I kinda regret I did it, because soon, my lower arm will be full if I continue like this. hopefully, these will go away. the others, I can live with those, but for some reason not these. maybe, again, because they are not deep. it makes me feel like a failure, that I can't even put enough pressure into the blade. I shouldn't blame myself, it was actually the blade that was too small for my fingers. it was some of those from a Venus Embrace-thingey. but I hope, of course, that all my scars will disappear someday. I'm not proud of doing this at all, it's actually the opposite. I just don't want to hide it anymore, because it doesn't make anything better. I've learned that talking about it only helps.

why do I sound so fucking emo all the time?

but when I do it, I get this rush, this pleasant, numb feeling inside of me, it's like I'm in a coma. after that, my head starts spinning and I feel dizzy. then regret comes. why did I do it? and why do I need it? sometimes, I don't even care why I do/did it. I feel like I'm retarded (no, not the slang, but mentally retarded, like the way people can't help it) when I come to think of it, because only stupid people would do this to themselves. I know that's not true, though, a lot of intelligent people have done it.

the worst part is, that even though I have done it this night, I can't fall asleep. I'm not calm. I just need a hug and a talk with someone I care for. that's all I need.
I'm actually in a pretty nice mood, just a little frustrated. fucking cuts. going insane here.

I'll make a post more, that one not about self-harming.

you'll be sorry when I'm gone.

it sucks that I have no curves whatsoever sometimes, because I look like a boy forced into a dress when I'm wearing one. fail at fucking life, oh god. but I'm absolutely adoring this dress, it's so beautiful and lovely. I'd like my room to be a mix between a boy's room and a girl's room, like naked chicks on my walls, and rococo pictures hanging. it would be nice. I'm borrowing a table from Nanna soon, because I don't have one, and she doesn't really want hers anymore. it's pretty funky, it has all this kind of crap written all over it.. like, there's a sentence that just contains the words "sex sex sex sex sex sex SEX". hahahahahah, Nanna is great.

SORRY YOUR NOT---..... a winnaaaaaaaarh. eh..

to be honest, I'm just writing here because I have nothing else to do, and I don't want to cut myself. it's been a week since the last time I did it, and I kinda don't want to do it again. but on the other hand, I want it so much. it's really painful. I'll just try to handle it.

I've drawn a picture for Jamie, a picture of us kissing. I want to hand it to him when he comes home from Egypt, it'll probably make him happy, even though the drawing sucks ass. I just made it quickly, because I didn't even have an eraser or a pen. I used the new moomin colors my mother brought along with her. (:

it's hard not to do this to myself. harder than you could imagine. but if I do it to myself tonight, it's okay, because at least I haven't done it in a week, and that's a start. maybe after I've hurt myself, it might be 2 more weeks. hopefully, there will be more and more time between. it's hard just to ignore it completely.

Adam's song.

why did I write this long post previously? because I want to cut like an insane person. but what the hell, I am insane.

Oh, and I should say from my best friend that she's lame.

I miss Jamie so much.

are you afraid of being alone? 'cause I am. I'm lost without you.

I'm not really drunk anymore, so that's good. I've decided to make a list for myself now, and hopefully, I'll follow it.

REASONS I HARM.
☆: to get control over my life. only here, I feel like I can control it. it's weird, because really, I'm not controling anything, and I know it. but it's just.. I can't control what I eat, what I do, what I say, see and feel, so the only way I feel I can control my emotions, is when I harm myself, no matter if it's holding my water under almost boiling water, hit myself or getting others to do it, or slicing my skin open. then, I can control how hard I want it, how much I want it, and how deep I want it. it sounds sick. it probably is, too.
☆: to sleep. I can't sleep without it, or so my mind tells me. it calms me in a whole different way, almost better than orgasms. I get this rush of calmess and kindness inside. it's like OCD. my mind forces me to do it.
☆: to punish myself. I feel bad at some point, I feel like it's my fault everyone around me are are sad. I feel like it's I'm the reason why people keep on dying. I said I hate him (not to his face), and a day after, he gets a heartattack and they find out he has cancer. I know it's not my fault.. my mind is just very convincing.
☆: instead of starving myself and smoking weed.

REASONS WHY I WANT TO STOP.
☆: I don't want to end up all covered in scars, pushing away people.
☆: My best friend. she doesn't deserve to see me like this. she has done so much to me, and I don't know what I would do without her, and I'm afraid self-harming might push her away.
☆: Jamie. He is the reason I want to quit, because I know how much it affects him, because he as also been self-harming.
☆: Nanna. We made a deal about stopping harming ourselves and smoking weed together, because it's bad for us. I don't want to drag her down with me, if I started again.
☆: my mom. when she saw my latest scars, she went home crying. I don't want her to be sad anymore.
☆: I'm hurting everyone around me.

REASONS WHY NOT TO STOP:
☆: because I need it more than I feel the need to breathe. I don't want to die, though, not anymore. I just need it, it's like a drug.
☆: it releases endorphines.
☆: it makes me happy for a moment.
☆: because it's way too hard.
☆: because sometimes, I just want to continue.

my scars from Thursday are healing pretty nicely. I've ripped out all the stitches except one, and I'll probably take that one out tomorrow. btw, if my grammar is not correct, it's because I'm tipsy. I'll write more about that later.

I love my new flowery shirt! it's awesome. totally my taste of the present. it's nice. lately, I eat all the time, but I don't feel like I'm fat anymore, or at least not right now. I wish anorexia wasn't a sickness that would stay with you for such a long time, because in some periods, I get really obsessive with food and won't eat anything else than apples and the like, and just go exercise all the time. I had that period for a few months ago the last time. I still can feel triggered by certain things, but right at the moment, I don't want that to control me, because I know how much it can destroy your private life. but if I look at really thin guys and girls, like Ryuuji from Zoro, I can feel very triggered. I want to be thin. but right now, I feel somehow okay with my own body.

anyway, I got crunk today with Emma. we decided that we wanted to drink, so we bought a bunch of alcoholic drinks at the local.. what's it called? marked? I don't know. small shop?
we headed for Frederiksberg Garden, and sat us under a tree and drank. it was lovely, beside we both felt like throwing up because we're (STILL. DX) both sick. it sucked, but we had fun.

I want to draw a picture of Jamie and I, so I can hand it to him when he gets home. <3 I'm so in love with him. everything just feels right, you know? I can tell him anything without feeling guilty or ashamed or embarrased. and he makes me feel beautiful and comfortable with my body. I can walk around naked in his room without feeling weird or anything, it's amazing. he has given me reasons not to hate myself so much, and I do feel special and happy to be alive when I'm with him. it's like with my best friend, I also feel happy to be alive when I'm with her.

I'm listening to Blink 182 a lot right at the moment, I don't care if they are emo, but I like them.

I miss my best friend. <3333

I will go down as your lover, your friend.

yesterday was nice. since it was Emma's birthday, we ate this really, really lovely birthday cake, I think I can go nomz on it forever! it was amazing. I love the cream you put in a layercake (god, I hate that word for some reason), I can eat it without anything else. mhmm, so good. "looking good chicken!", lol.

I went to school today, after a week and a half's pause. at first, it was because I was coming down with a flu, and after that was because I was too fucked up in my head to go. and then I got sick again. luck's not really with me lately, huh?
when I arrived, I discovered that I was the only one in the class who had actually shown up. we're eight in total. that was pretty lame... so I had to sit there in an English lesson and talk about urban legends and Bloody Mary. it was fine, but I was just totally worn out already, since I had walk around a great piece of Frederiksberg C already, before I had my classes, because I needed a bus card, plus passport photos. but now I got it, woohoo! I just look like a retard, though.

my mom came over to help me tidy my room, so now there's a bit prettier than before. I just need the last of it to tidy. I told her about the whole weed thing, and she seemed okay with it. not furious or anything, but understanding. when my brother was my age, he was addicted to weed, and I have to be careful with it too, so I won't get addicted.
she had bought me these awesome things, too! Moomin painting, and colors. I'm pretty happy about it, I think it's so cute. I have so much Moomin crap, it's ridiculous....

because your real life is tragic, you built up a world of magic.

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

I never conquered, rarely came.

I DAG ER DET EMMA'S FØDSELSDAG, HURRA HURRA HURRAAA! ej, come on... teheh. <3>
It's Emma's birthday today, so I had to wake up at 7 AM. it was difficult for me to get up, but I strained myself and got up. The employers here at the residence had baken birthday buns, bought juice (even though we're not allowed to drink it here.. it contains too much sugar, or so they say) and chocolate milk. when we came to wake her up, she opened the door immediately and got a nice surprise. she was on her way to get some pain killers, since she's still sick (and so am I.) we both cough all the time, and she has even thrown up from coughing too much. poor Emma.
then, since we were already up, we ended up going to Frederiksberg Centeret and looked at shops and boutiques. we noticed pretty quick that there wasn't really anything interesting there, so we headed for Strøget instead. I ended up buying a really antique/old-looking dress, a t-shirt with poodles on, a shirt with black flowers and a pair of really adorable socks. lately, I've begun to grow fond of the more antique-ish look when I'm girly, because I love the contradiction of piercings and red hair versus soft frills and lace. it looks awesome, in other words.

now, I probably have to tidy my room. :'( wish me luck, you'll never know what you'll find in here. it's really messy.

oh, and I forgot one thing; these fags are fucking awesome! they taste like vanilla and I got them for free, because Nanna gave them to me. fucking awesome.

I've thought about stopping harming myself, but I can't pull myself together and do it. it's just.... it's like OCD, I can't fall asleep unless I bleed. I know, this sounds so emo, but I don't care, this blog is just for myself.
I've drawn a butterfly on my arm which should help me from keeping myself from the blade. it actually helps. have you ever heard about The Butterfly Project? that's what I've decided to join, since it's a really cute idea. you can just GEEEEWWWWWGLE it, or something, it only takes a few minutes of your time.
I decided to join, when I cut open a vein last Thursday. I got the worst panic attack ever after that, and I was about to faint. got some stitches at the ER.

I could really use a smoke.. goddamned youth, why must I toxicate myself, hahah. I'm not really that sweet to myself. I mean, I eat junk, smoke junk and fags, harm myself, I drink regularly.. my body is getting fucked up, hahah. fail at life.

Today felt like shit, because I've gotten sick as a fuck. My nose feels like it's melting off, my head is heavy and my throat pains. So I didn't go to school. Instead, I went out with my (also sick as a fuck) roomie, Emma, Laura and David. it was pretty nice, besides being in a shitty mood and the sun being too ironic with shining so much when you felt like crap.

Originally, we went out to get some fresh air and then we thought; "HEY! let's go look at some pornographic stuff!", but since none of us had anything in mind to buy, we ended up going out looking for fake dreadlocks. we didn't find any, because.. we didn't. instead, Emma bought herself some fake hair, which looks pretty rad while being worn. then, Laura and David parted, and Emma and I decided to stay and get greasy with McDonalds food. we bought 3 fucking burgers each, oh god! I'm so fat. or, I'm not yet, but it will come if I keep this on. and because there's a Rococo festival in Copenhagen, I got two free fancy cupcakes! they tasted so sweet.

later on, when we came home, I just chilled with Stefan, Emma and Nanna, which is good times.

Sorry you're not a winner.

hey blogspot! this is not quite my first time here, I've had two other blogs besides this, but I just needed something new, you know? I still can't decide whether or not I will continue writing in English, or I should go back to my native roots, and write in Danish.

oh yeah, but this is who I am! I'll make a small introduction of who yours truly are, and what I'm planning on writing about.

Well, my nickname is Damien, and I'm seventeen years old, turning eighteen in May. I live at a residence called "bosted" in Danish, I'm not sure if there's even such a thing like that in USA and England. Anyway, let me explain it to you. It's a few houses dedicated to young adults with problems, who can't live at home because of their illnesses. So, in this house I live in, we are currently 8 or 9, I can't remember.. I'm too tired to count. I suffer from schizophrenia, eating disorders, depression and anxiety attacks. I was hospitalized for about 7 months at a psychological ward at a hospital, 10 minutes on feet away from my mothers apartment. It was hard times, but I also had fun times there. I got a lot of friends in there, who I could, and still can, talk to about my problems without them being judgemental. I'm addicted to Coca Cola Zero and piercings. Besides this, I'm a chainsmoker and a self-harmer.
why am I writing oh so personal stuff down here? Let me tell you why;

There's a reason why my blog is called "dishonest heart". I have to put up on a mask and cheat on myself, when it's one of those days. Hide away what I'm really thinking about and shit like that. Make myself pretend I'm not thinking these grotesque thoughts I do once in a while.
I want this place to be my sanctuary. I will write here only for my sake and no one else. That's why I won't put a link on Facebook, since I don't want everyone to see it.

I'll do entries about my mood and my everyday life, since I do a lot of crap with my roomies and friends everyday.