make the same mistake twice.

despite drinking a lot today, I'm actually not drunk. never been this evening. which sucks cow nipple, since I really wanted to get reeeeeally drunk.. so yeah, I'm unpleased and in a somehow bad mood. I don't know why. but I feel like dying, just ending everything, because that's the easiest way out of everything right now.

anyway, today has been okay. I woke up at ten, and actually had a pretty awake mind for a change. but because I didn't have anything to do, I slept for a few more hours, and then took a shower. just chillaxing. put on some fake lashes and shit, and got ready for the night ahead.
then Laura came home, and we ate some dinner. we had decided to go to this punk concert at Huset at Magelstræde, even though I rarely listen to punk. so yeah.. I wore my Drop Dead shirt, as seen on the picture, a robot necklace and Doc Martens. pretty nice. before going anywhere, we sat at Laura's room, drinking some ciders and Dooley's and smoking some fags, together with Emma, her boyfriend Andreas and Askur. never really talked to Askur before now, it's the first time he has said yes to join us when we're together, all of us. so that was pretty awesome. he told us how his ex-girlfriend comitted suicide this summer, and I felt really sick to my stomach. she was only 15. but who am I to talk, I'd be a hypocrite if I said anything at all.
then Andreas, Emma and I went out with our booze, desperately fighting to find a place where we could sit and drink before going to the concert. Andreas drank like.. the half of it! and I had a lot brought with me. I felt sick to my stomach because I had taken my medicine, so I couldn't drink that much. when we got to the concert, we quickly noticed how lame everything there was. it wasn't even real punk. and because I felt sick, we decided to leave. because Emma and Andreas is far away from being alternative, they got weird looks from everyone, which only prooves that punk really is dead, at least in Denmark. ate some shit at 7eleven, and then we parted. Laura and I talked about going to The Rock, and the new Ungdomshus, but decided not to. so we went home, to change clothes. then we went to Vela, danced for a while. it was pretty nice, except that I vomited really much at one point, even though I wasn't drunk at all. damn you, Abilify, I fucking hate you. then we went to Glostrup, to a private party of her boyfriend's friends. it was pretty lame, though. everyone was really high and drunk and beaten, so not much of a party. at one point I was left alone for an hour or so, which was pretty awkward, since none of the guys there had anything to talk about. but I ended up talking with 3 dudes, who were pretty cool.
came home at 6 AM.

the night has all in all been okay. just sucked that I never really got drunk, even though I drank a lot. and that I puked.

I don't know.. I just feel really negative and shit right now. I want to fucking die, just end it. then all these problems would be over, and all my regrets will be gone. I really want that. I hate myself right now, and I regret a lot. it would just be easier if I were dead, I wouldn't have to have these thoughts. as written in "Girl, Interrupted", the book, some people might kill them selves so they stop arguing with themselves about whether they'll do it or not. I fucking want to end this shit. really bad. I think I always either feel like "oh yes, it's going in the right direction!", or "fuck this, might just gonna kill myself". and I'm tired of arguing with myself. I just wish I wasn't alive right now, and I just want out. I really consider it..