dead singing voice, laughing dead body, dead next year

woke up at 4:40 PM today, and quickly went for a shower, since we had to go out eating with my residency. I actually was there on the spot, 20 minutes after! I took a 5-minutes-shower and blowdried my hair and got ready during the 20 minutes, which was pretty cool. I didn't even know I could do that, haha. Nanna, Stefan (who recently moved out, so we went out to say goodbye to him), Emma, Laura, Mathilde, Camilla and the new guy, Jonas, plus two of the hired peepz went to Phenix as the monthly activity. it was pretty nice, and I had a really great time. I ordered what I always order, this kind of garlic bread with chicken on. it's so yummy, I can't describe it. I also got to eat some of Laura's food, hahah. we also got dessert, and I got pancake while the rest either got hot chocolate or strawberry cake.
but I had a really great evening, and I really enjoyed being together with the guys. I also discovered that Jonas and I had a lot to talk about, since we pretty much share the same illness, which was pretty nice to talk to him about. most of the people at my residency suffer from borderline personality disorder, while we right at the moment only are 2 with schizophrenia. so it's nice to talk to him about it. but he's really cool and down to earth, and I felt really happy while talking with him, because we seem so similar. we talked about feeling watched over, and being psychotic, weed-addiction, paranoia, stuff like that. he's really calm and awesome. he has never met anyone before who he could relate to on that subject, so I'm happy that he's moving in soon, on Wednesday to be more exact.
then we went to Laura's room, Laura, Jonas and I, and talked some more. he even listens to Enter Shikari, how awesome is that!

when he left, Emma came up to us and we got on the subject of suicide for some reasons. so I told them how I felt. we talked about our illnesses, and how we feel and stuff like that. it was actually really nice, and I really love that I can talk to them about it.
after 2 hours, Emma left and went to bed. then it was just Laura and I, sitting in her room even though it was after 11 PM (we're only allowed to be on each others room before 11 PM, we're such crime-riders, aren't we? hahah). just chillaxing and hanging out, looking at cute cats and shit like that. a little before 2 AM, I went to my room again. then I wrote with my sister on Facebook, because I felt down, and then she wrote all kinds of sweet things, which only made me sadder. so I started to cry. we just wrote about suicide, and why I want to end it. she said stuff like "but we haven't gotten tattoed together, seen Black Swan, or made nasty pancakes and eating them while watching South Park. D: <3" so I got really sad, because I'm scared that I'll bail on her with suicide. yeah, I don't feel great at the moment. this is kind of a depressing entry, isn't it.. all I've written about is suicide and illnesses. I'm sorry, hahah. but that's what fills my mind right at the moment. I talked to the night guard, and she just made me feel even shittier. it helped nothing. she made me seem like a complete douchebag, which I probably am for having these thoughts, but it was not really what I needed to feel like. I told her I don't want to get hospitalized, and I pretty much just want to die. then she was all "but you don't even try to put effort into getting better", which actually is true, because I simply just don't. I've given up on life. I really have. I just take things as they come, instead of wanting anything anymore. I don't have any wishes anymore, there's nothing I want to experience, because I feel like I've seen what I want... and there's no wishes left, and I don't have a passion for anything anymore. "you're so negative about everything", "you don't even try to get help", and she could really not understand my point WHY I don't want to get help. if you have already given up, then why should you even care?