another girl, another planet.

so I just came home from a lovely weekend (and Monday) with Cecil by my side, which is always amazing. I've had such a fun time, and we have done absolutely nothing. pretty much because I slept all time away, because I'm sick and I was awake until late, as usual. Friday, we watched Black Swan together, even though I've already seen it before, but I didn't mind, since it's an awesome movie. I have a thing for ballerinas, and I don't know why. there's just some things that attracts you with no reason, and that's one of mine. I think they're completely sexy, and I love the way they move, it's so elegant and beautiful. but the lead in the movie is pretty annoying though.. but I loved when she danced, because it look so graceful. Cecil also liked the movie, and after the movie, we acted like retards, dancing silly ballet-ish fail dances. it was pretty awesome. we were awake until 5 AM, and I have no idea what we did, since we were awake until that late. probably just talking and having super fun tiemz. Saturday, I slept until really late, and then we pretty much did nothing at all that day, besides having fun and eating nasty stuff. pretty much the same Sunday. we baked cookies, which didn't really end up being what they should be like, it was basically oatmeal with sugar and crunchy edges. but it still tasted pretty good. we fail at baking, Cecil, hahahah. but since I was sick, we decided that it would be for the better if I just stayed another day. also, because we had a lot of fun and cozy moments. we've also played a lot of Sims as always (I KNOW, HAHAHAH, SO FAIL, but it's so entertaining!), with Brunhilda, Bent, and the rest of the gang. pretty fun. we had this family where two dudes got pregnant by aliens, because they were abducted. then we almost killed one, but he got saved from the Reaper in the last minute. pretty cool what you can do in Sims, huh.
so today, I slept until late again, ate some food and ice cream with Cecil, and got on a train at 8:52 PM. 3 hours in a train, straight. do you have any idea how boring that is? and my cellphone was dead since I didn't have my energizer with me, so I had pretty much nothing else to do, than to just sit there and listen to music. eventually, I laid down on the seats and fell asleep for a while. and now I'm home, it's 5:00 AM precisely. I should go to bed. I think I'll do that in a moment.

I've btw lost one of my piercings. ): I miss it already. it's one of my labrets, one of the side-ones, so now my piercings are completely asymmetrical, which looks stupid as fuck. and I don't have any extra jewelry, so the hole has already grown together again. WHY MEEEEEEE. so I'm going to get it pierced again this week, when one of my friends has the time for it... it just sucks having to pay for a piercing you already have. ): I lost it while eating M&M's. laaaawlz.

but besides that, I have no plans for the week. as usual, I take things as they come.

I'm told to carry on.

the picture is from this summer, but what the hell, I actually kind of like it. and also because I miss having long hair. I'm okay with my hair right at the moment, but I miss having longer hair actually. not extensions-long, but just shoulder length, in a way it could still look androgynous. I miss it. I didn't like my previous haircut, simply because it had no shape at all. this time, I want my hair to grow out, and get longer. now I've tried short hair, and I can always turn back to that if I don't like it long. and when I say "long hair", I don't mean it as in a girly way, but in a "boy" shape.
I think it's ridiculous that we've grown up with "girl hairdo's" and "guy hairdo's", just as well as toys, colors and clothing. I think, if you gave a guy a Barbie doll from infant, he would play just as much with it as a girl would. the same if you gave a girl a light saber.
I fucking hate the ways we've grown up, told "this is something boys do", and "you can't like pink, it's a girl color". it's fucking ridiculous, and it makes the previous generation look like crap. if I were ever to have a baby, I would give it a unisex name, dress it in both boy and girl's clothing, and give them whatever toy they wanted. yeah.. I'm just tired of the "demandments" you meet as a girl/boy, and if you're slightly flamboyant or a tomboy, you'll get bullied and told you're wrong. it's fucking nasty. ARGH, I GOT MY RAGE ON RIGHT NOW.

Saturday, I went partying with Laura and David, and I had a really great time. the party was thrown in Roskilde, so it cost a lot of bucks, which sucked. but to make it better, it was an open, free bar. pretty awesome, huh, and there were SO MUCH BOOZE, like omg. it was completely insane. but I drank a lot... I got tipsy after only one drink, because I had mixed it up half-n-half with vodka. but it didn't stop me from drinking even more. I remember giving and getting a lot of body tequila's with Laura, which was pretty awesome. also got to dance a lot, to music I don't like, like Panic At The Disco, hahahahahahaha. I die on the inside. but I had a lot of fun.
but as always, I ended up doing something I really regretted the day after.. I thought I had learned from my mistakes, but apparently not. so I've promised Laura that the next four weekends, I won't go to any parties or go out clubbing. the nights I'm home, she has promised to watch over me and keep me entertained, which is really, really sweet. I feel so cared for, which is just pure love. I love her dearly.

and next weekend, I'm going to visit Cecil, my best friend, which is going to be AWESOME! I really can't wait. it's been 100+ years since I saw her the last time, and I can't really get that out of my head. it's horrible. and I'm going to see her for money I really don't have, since it's my tattoo savings I'm using... I hope my mum will donate some monayz, that would be really sweet of her. but idk, fat chance.
we're going to game, game and game, I think. just chillaxing and have random inside jokes as always. I love her to the very bone, she is an amazing person and I don't tell her that so often anymore.. but she really is. she is completely honest, sometimes too honest/sarcastic, but I shrug it off, because I know she's right anyways. but I do love her to pieces, and she's really someone I can't live without. I wuv you, my homeboy. <3

today hasn't been special at all. I made dinner for the rest of my recidensy, and then I went to the cinema with Nanna. we watched Devil, and at a point I was so freaked out, I sat halfway down the seat. but it was a good movie, not the best, but definitely freak-out-worthy. I had a really great time.
and now, my throat hurts. ): it's annoying. tomorrow, I'm going to the cinema again with my sister this time, and we're gonna watch Black Swan. I'm looking much forward to it, since it's about ballerinas, and I have a thing for ballerinas. idk why, but I find them completely "JEG KU' GODT"-worthy. so it's going to be awesome, hopefully. and then we're gonna have lunch at Phenix, which also is awesome. I really can't wait, I just want it to be NOW!

Jamie is in Austria right now, and I can't help but feel a bit sad. I know I'm not supposed to miss him, but I do. and it sucks really bad. I'm not even sure if he misses me, I'm just one of his friends now. it's okay, and I like it this way too, but I can't help but feel like I'm not over him. it's pretty sad, but I don't think I'll ever meet a person who could live up to his level, as in a relationship. and that sucks balls. I'll probably fall in love again someday, and that's okay with me, but I'm really scared that it won't be as good as it was when I was with him.. it really fucking scares me. I think I might still be in love with him, which is why I try to keep myself away from sex right at the moment. but I've used sex as my way of getting over him, but it doesn't help, really. it just messed my head up even more and made me feel guilty, even though we're not together. at first, I thought it helped, but it really didn't and now I regret the sex I've had with random people. I just wish I could turn it all back, the old feelings he had, and just be there with him. I doubt that I'll ever find someone like him, who could understand me that good, have the same likings and the same "past". and it really fucking breaks me.

I'm told to carry on...

dead singing voice, laughing dead body, dead next year

woke up at 4:40 PM today, and quickly went for a shower, since we had to go out eating with my residency. I actually was there on the spot, 20 minutes after! I took a 5-minutes-shower and blowdried my hair and got ready during the 20 minutes, which was pretty cool. I didn't even know I could do that, haha. Nanna, Stefan (who recently moved out, so we went out to say goodbye to him), Emma, Laura, Mathilde, Camilla and the new guy, Jonas, plus two of the hired peepz went to Phenix as the monthly activity. it was pretty nice, and I had a really great time. I ordered what I always order, this kind of garlic bread with chicken on. it's so yummy, I can't describe it. I also got to eat some of Laura's food, hahah. we also got dessert, and I got pancake while the rest either got hot chocolate or strawberry cake.
but I had a really great evening, and I really enjoyed being together with the guys. I also discovered that Jonas and I had a lot to talk about, since we pretty much share the same illness, which was pretty nice to talk to him about. most of the people at my residency suffer from borderline personality disorder, while we right at the moment only are 2 with schizophrenia. so it's nice to talk to him about it. but he's really cool and down to earth, and I felt really happy while talking with him, because we seem so similar. we talked about feeling watched over, and being psychotic, weed-addiction, paranoia, stuff like that. he's really calm and awesome. he has never met anyone before who he could relate to on that subject, so I'm happy that he's moving in soon, on Wednesday to be more exact.
then we went to Laura's room, Laura, Jonas and I, and talked some more. he even listens to Enter Shikari, how awesome is that!

when he left, Emma came up to us and we got on the subject of suicide for some reasons. so I told them how I felt. we talked about our illnesses, and how we feel and stuff like that. it was actually really nice, and I really love that I can talk to them about it.
after 2 hours, Emma left and went to bed. then it was just Laura and I, sitting in her room even though it was after 11 PM (we're only allowed to be on each others room before 11 PM, we're such crime-riders, aren't we? hahah). just chillaxing and hanging out, looking at cute cats and shit like that. a little before 2 AM, I went to my room again. then I wrote with my sister on Facebook, because I felt down, and then she wrote all kinds of sweet things, which only made me sadder. so I started to cry. we just wrote about suicide, and why I want to end it. she said stuff like "but we haven't gotten tattoed together, seen Black Swan, or made nasty pancakes and eating them while watching South Park. D: <3" so I got really sad, because I'm scared that I'll bail on her with suicide. yeah, I don't feel great at the moment. this is kind of a depressing entry, isn't it.. all I've written about is suicide and illnesses. I'm sorry, hahah. but that's what fills my mind right at the moment. I talked to the night guard, and she just made me feel even shittier. it helped nothing. she made me seem like a complete douchebag, which I probably am for having these thoughts, but it was not really what I needed to feel like. I told her I don't want to get hospitalized, and I pretty much just want to die. then she was all "but you don't even try to put effort into getting better", which actually is true, because I simply just don't. I've given up on life. I really have. I just take things as they come, instead of wanting anything anymore. I don't have any wishes anymore, there's nothing I want to experience, because I feel like I've seen what I want... and there's no wishes left, and I don't have a passion for anything anymore. "you're so negative about everything", "you don't even try to get help", and she could really not understand my point WHY I don't want to get help. if you have already given up, then why should you even care?

that was right, staple the eyes and seven dates for me to sell machines and tear on.

so I modeled for Emilia yesterday, and this is how it ended up looking like. I am far from pleased with the result. I really don't like it, so.. we wanted to androgynous pictures, and that did actually work out pretty well. there were some shot where you were all "WTF IS THAT!?", so mission accomplished. but I look dead on most of the pictures, and I don't really like the model, haha. but Emilia was so awesome! she was really professional, and the work she did was amazing. I'm sure she'll become a real photographer one day. she goes to this school called KUBA, studying photography. it's really cool.

anyway, I'm just gonna tell you guys about what I've been doing since the last time I wrote.

Saturday, I went out partying again, this time at Club Christopher together with Anna and her friend Mathilde. it was an awesome night, but I got way out of hand drunk, it was pretty wild. I ended up in fucking Glostrup, I mean, really, Glostrup two days in a row? wtf. but it wasn't even my intention to end up there, and I have no idea why we took a bus and wherefrom we actually took the bus, and I have no idea why we stopped in Glostrup, thinking "THIS IS WHERE OUR STOP IS!", I swear to whatever deity there is, I have really no idea. and we had no idea how to come home from Glostrup, and apparently, we traveled illegally, since I had no tickets. I have no fucking idea, I don't think I have ever been this drunk before. but it was a nice night. even though Anna puked on my pants, which were FUCKING nasty. so now, I just call her "Pukie".

sunday, I hung out with Emilia, eating the best hung-over dinner ever; sushi. it was so cozy and nice! even though the restaurant suddenly played "jingle bells", really random. but yeah, I had a pretty good time with her. :D
then monday, I modeled for her, and then after that, I don't really remember what I did. I think I hung out with Nanna and Laura. those girls are amazing, I have so much fun tiemz going on with them.

then today, I hung out with a girl named Alessia at the airport, it was pretty nice. I have a feeling that she might have a crush on me, actually, which is not really what I intended. I'm far away from wanting a relationship right now, but I end up flirting with a lot of people anyway.. I don't know why I do it, and I'm such a douchebag for doing so. and I really hate myself for doing it. that's why, next weekend, I'm not going out partying or anything, because lately it has just been a new girl each time I'm out, which I actually don't want to.. it's just hard to say no when a girl comes over with a drink in her hand, and she's really hitting on you. I don't know how to say no.
so I'm just going to spend some time together with Laura and her boyfriend next weekend, Friday to be more exact, watching Star Wars. it's actually what I need. I need space, and I don't need random sex right now. I need to be me, and get over Jamie. but we're still really great friends, and I can feel that I'm getting better everyday, everytime we talk.
that's also one of the reasons why I'm thinking about taking a break from girlfriend.dk, because I get hit on all the time by people. it's flattering, but I don't need anything right at the moment.

last time I wrote, I talked a bit about suicide. I'm still considering it, but I really appreciate my best friend opinion, and it really hit me hard in her last comment. I love her honesty, and she was brutally honest in that comment. it could have hurt me, but it didn't. so thank you, Cecil, for that comment.
I wish I could get away from being me. change, and not be such a complete douchebag like I am. I know I'm a sweet person, but the thing I do with girls is just not right, and I feel like a complete idiot for being like that. so maybe if I just chillax this weekend, I can get past that.
but it doesn't change the fact that I sometimes want to die.

make the same mistake twice.

despite drinking a lot today, I'm actually not drunk. never been this evening. which sucks cow nipple, since I really wanted to get reeeeeally drunk.. so yeah, I'm unpleased and in a somehow bad mood. I don't know why. but I feel like dying, just ending everything, because that's the easiest way out of everything right now.

anyway, today has been okay. I woke up at ten, and actually had a pretty awake mind for a change. but because I didn't have anything to do, I slept for a few more hours, and then took a shower. just chillaxing. put on some fake lashes and shit, and got ready for the night ahead.
then Laura came home, and we ate some dinner. we had decided to go to this punk concert at Huset at Magelstræde, even though I rarely listen to punk. so yeah.. I wore my Drop Dead shirt, as seen on the picture, a robot necklace and Doc Martens. pretty nice. before going anywhere, we sat at Laura's room, drinking some ciders and Dooley's and smoking some fags, together with Emma, her boyfriend Andreas and Askur. never really talked to Askur before now, it's the first time he has said yes to join us when we're together, all of us. so that was pretty awesome. he told us how his ex-girlfriend comitted suicide this summer, and I felt really sick to my stomach. she was only 15. but who am I to talk, I'd be a hypocrite if I said anything at all.
then Andreas, Emma and I went out with our booze, desperately fighting to find a place where we could sit and drink before going to the concert. Andreas drank like.. the half of it! and I had a lot brought with me. I felt sick to my stomach because I had taken my medicine, so I couldn't drink that much. when we got to the concert, we quickly noticed how lame everything there was. it wasn't even real punk. and because I felt sick, we decided to leave. because Emma and Andreas is far away from being alternative, they got weird looks from everyone, which only prooves that punk really is dead, at least in Denmark. ate some shit at 7eleven, and then we parted. Laura and I talked about going to The Rock, and the new Ungdomshus, but decided not to. so we went home, to change clothes. then we went to Vela, danced for a while. it was pretty nice, except that I vomited really much at one point, even though I wasn't drunk at all. damn you, Abilify, I fucking hate you. then we went to Glostrup, to a private party of her boyfriend's friends. it was pretty lame, though. everyone was really high and drunk and beaten, so not much of a party. at one point I was left alone for an hour or so, which was pretty awkward, since none of the guys there had anything to talk about. but I ended up talking with 3 dudes, who were pretty cool.
came home at 6 AM.

the night has all in all been okay. just sucked that I never really got drunk, even though I drank a lot. and that I puked.

I don't know.. I just feel really negative and shit right now. I want to fucking die, just end it. then all these problems would be over, and all my regrets will be gone. I really want that. I hate myself right now, and I regret a lot. it would just be easier if I were dead, I wouldn't have to have these thoughts. as written in "Girl, Interrupted", the book, some people might kill them selves so they stop arguing with themselves about whether they'll do it or not. I fucking want to end this shit. really bad. I think I always either feel like "oh yes, it's going in the right direction!", or "fuck this, might just gonna kill myself". and I'm tired of arguing with myself. I just wish I wasn't alive right now, and I just want out. I really consider it..

freeze the things that you've loved.

today has been pretty great. I woke up pretty late, like.. 2 PM or something, and then went for a shower and got ready, because I had to see Emilia. that girl is really awesome, we always have an awesome time together. we even robot fought! hahahaah. it was pretty splendid.. we recorded it, and then we fought. I hope she'll put it up on Facebook or something, it's really weird.
we pretty much just used our time talking about random stuff. oh yeah, and we made a painting together! it's pretty whack. it's pink and says "PRINCESS 4EVER", ahahahaha. our humor is really lame when we're together, but I really do enjoy it.
she also ate here, for the first time. oh, and we ate these really delicious homemade scones too! I love you, even though you're a retard. <3

after she left, I just fooled a bit around, doing nothing interesting, until Laura came home. just chillaxed with her and stuff. I love hanging out with her, she's so amazing. really, one of my best mates. she's been there so many times for me, and I miss hanging out with her and Emilia at the same time.

I've started writing with this really cute girl, and we're going on a date next week, which I'm really looking forward to. but seriously, she's really cute. there's just one problem...
I think I might have developed a crush on a friend, who is out of my reach. I don't know if I am, but it really bugs me. she's so sweet and we talk really well with each other. but.. she's straight, and has a long-term boyfriend. and it sucks, because all I want to do is just to kiss her pretty lips, and tell her how much I like her... urgh. it really fucking sucks to be in my position, because I will never be with her, ever. plus, it might fuck up our relationship up as friends, if we broke up, and I don't want that. so I'm probably gonna keep it cool... but she's just so damn cute. I just want to hold her all the time.
but yeah, the other girl is also really, really cute, but I don't know her that well yet. but she's really sweet and we flirt a hella lot. so I pretty much can't wait to see her next week, hopefully it won't be awkward!

tomorrow, I'm going to see Anna, which I'm really looking forward to. we're going to be really lame and do lame things, like we always do, and I can't wait. the last time I saw her was... the day before Christmas Eve, so I'm really excited about seeing her. wohoo!

why do you get all the love in the world?

this is my ugly Sunday. yeah, I've pretty much done nothing today, besides sleeping and eating, and being online. I've been so tired! but of course now, when I have to go to bed, I feel awake. it happens all the time, really. and it fucking annoys me.

but anyway, yesterday was splendid! I'm at my mother's place right now, still, and been here since Friday. I've had a really great time together with my family, Mette and Rikke. Friday, Mette and Rikke made homemade pizza, which was really delicious! I was so hungry, and it tasted so good, so I ate a lot.
and yesterday, I went to the cinema with my sister and my mom. we watched Burlesque. it didn't really have a nice plot or anything, but damn, the costumes were amazing! it was pretty incredible to look at. besides, Christina Aguilera is pretty damn f0yn. haha. Cher... idk. not so much, but she was pretty damn awesome in that movie. and yeah, half-naked dancing women... that's something I like, hahaha. it wasn't like the movie EV00000RZ, but it was decent and I was entertained throughout the movie. :]
before watching the movie, we went out to grab something to eat. so we went to Wagamama, where I haven't been in ages, and it's still as delicious as I remembered. I had what I almost always get when I'm there, noodles with salmon, and it was gewd. nom nom. my mother and sister got some ramen noodles, which I also tasted, and it was also pretty delicious, I must say.
then after that, I hurried back home and took my second shower for the day. I left home at 11 PM, and went to Vela with Nanna and Stefan. it was pretty fun, since it's a bar mainly for lesbians, so Stefan and I were all acting like dudes (even though he is one, haha. he's just so gay from time to time). like, going all "BOOOOOBS" and shit all the time. but he left pretty early because he didn't feel well in his head, so Nanna and I continued partying. I got SO fucking drunk, it was ridiculous!! I didn't even drink that much.. 9 shots of Fisherman, and 2 ciders and a little bit of strawberry daquiri. but holy fucking shit, I got so wasted.. of course I ended up throwing up. but I got to talk to different people.

and today, I've been nursing for myself, and throwing up. hahahah. night out well spent.

I lie here staring up at the stratosphere and hoping we're gonna get out of here.

today has been nice and calm. I spent my day together with my mum. we went to the cinema and watched Klovn - The Movie, and holy fuck, it's so embarassing! there was a time when I had to hold my hands over my face because it was so embarassing. and then there's the tiniest dick EVER in it, too.. and oh god, it was just.. awesome, fun tiemz and so embarassing. I know a few people who have seen it, and they actually made it sound more embarassing than I think it was.. I mean, it was emberassing, but not to a point where you wanted to kill yourself, hahah. but it was a great movie, typical Klovn, just longer and well.. a slight bit more embarassing than normal. hahahha. but yeah, great movie. originally, we wanted to see Burlesque, but I needed to laugh just a little, so we watched Klovn instead. during the weekend I'm going to see Burlesque though, and I'm looking forward to it very much. I mean, half-nekkid chicks just does something to a queer teen brain, huh.
then after that, we wanted to go out eating, but we were both feeling icky because of the popcorn (which we only ate the half of), so she followed me home instead. it was pretty nice, but I've pretty much eaten close to nothing today. a slice of carrot cake and some handfulls of popcorn, and that's it. I'm not even hungry. besides, I end up puking anyways. last time I puked was.. 2 days ago, while brushing my teeth. it was the day Jamie broke up with me, so I had been really nervous. so yeah.. I vomited, but I kinda did provoke it.

and then I haven't been doing much else, since it took the whole day. then I hung out with Laura and her boyfriend for 20 min or so, but then they started arguing, so I was sent to my room. then I wrote on MSN with a bunch of people, which got me all confused at a point, because I had so many conversations going on. I've started writing with some new people, some of them really awesome, and some of them.. pretty nasty. D:

I feel like I should write something about the break-up, but I actually don't have anything to say. we talk like friends now, and I like it that way. of course I'm still sad, but it's not like I've lost him. he's right there, as a friend. and I've accepted it as it is, and I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore, which is good, I guess. but I do love him, and I still feel broke. I feel like a part of me is missing.

And when I'm gone will you forget me?

so 2010 has passed, and I can't help but feeling a little bit sentimental. I've done a lot that year, and even though it was hard at some points, it was actually a pretty good year. I gained a lot of new things, like memories, friends, love, experiences.. I also lost a few things, but the good things overshine it. I just sit here with this weird feeling now, not knowing what will happen in the next 12 months. it seems kind of frightening. :0
I originally wanted to do an entry about how much I've changed throughout the year, and what I've done. but then I kind of forgot it, and went to Jamie's place, and had no pictures with me... so yeah. maybe later, or maybe in this entry. idfk. :'D

but New Years Eve was spent well. I was together with Jamie, at his best friend's place. I was really nervous because I had to meet his best mate, but I think it went well. got a lot of alcohol and got pretty drunk. we kissed as the new years started, which is the first time I've done that.

oh yeah... and we're not together anymore. it's kind of complicated. at first, I was really mad, then I got sad, and now I'm kind of okay, I think. Stefan and Laura cheered me up, they're such good mates. I'm just scared of how I'll feel tomorrow, and stuff like that. but I'm somehow okay, to an extent. of course I'm still sad. but wth, I'm trying not to think about it.
it's just sad, that I believed that we were going in the right direction, but I understand the guy. I'm trying not to go into details. I just find it sad, because I really do love him, and I feel like a part of me broke. I really did, and do.

And when I'm gone will you forget me?