we can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures ever-so-slender. taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

ladies and gentlemen, I have an amazing boyfriend. <3 as of the 2nd of June, we decided to make it official. we've been dating and fooling around for a month or more, and it's been amazing, it really has. his name is Jonas, and he's 18 and lives at my residency. he has big, beatiful blue eyes, and a great heart. he listens to me whenever I feel happy, and when I'm down, he listens. he has supported me in all ways imaginable, and I've helped him out quite a few times, too. he's really wonderful, and it feels incredible to be able to call him "mine". <3 we've been visiting his mum and my mum some days ago, and it was pretty awesome. his mum is sweet, and calls me her "son in law", hahahah. Jonas has met my mum before, and he loves her, so there's no problems there. we also went to Tivoli and ate at Wagamama last Thursday, which was really cozy and nice. uhmmm. <3 I'm so lucky to have him, I really feel like that!

but there's some things on my mind, which is bugging me. alot, actually. the thing is, that food and weight has become a part of my life again, at least for this time. I constantly think about what I eat, and I have food I'm not allowed to eat (which is pretty much everything), and food I'm allowed to eat. I want to loose weight so bad, and I want control.. if I am skinny, I won't get "my monthly visitor", and I won't have any curves. maybe then, I can feel better about my body, and try to beat my genes.
I looked through some old pictures of myself, when I weighed around 47 kgs, and I miss it so much. I weigh around 10 kgs more than that... so I'm on this crazy diet, where I pretty much only eat 500 to 600 calories a day. I eat soup, celery, cucumber, strawberries, bananas (even though I think about cutting that off, too), and rye bread crackers with salmon (but only if there's ALOT of chili on)... and that's about it. it's sick, and I fear the thought of getting anorexia again. I walk constantly. I just want to control myself, and I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.

but yeah, that was me whining. I just thought I would let you guys know, since the blog is mostly for close friends and myself.

but my days are actually pretty fine, and I'm enjoying life. I just miss my best friend so bad.

and now, I think I'm off to bed. I don't have much on my mind, and I don't really feel like talking about my days, since I can't really remember anything.

and because this song is on replay all the fucking time right at the moment, because it's marvelous and describes my feelings well;

Pompeii - Numbers.

Came at you in silence, my back at the wall.
"i've seen those nights where you binge and purge"
Those locks on your doors tell me when you're crouched on all fours
counting tile, losing bile and sleep.
"it's just a diet, i've kept it quiet. Even if you told all my family and
friends they would never believe it."
I think you're right. I can't believe it too
that it's you, but it's you.

My problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave,
I weighed out every option, that scale's not fit for advice.
Medical language won't ever help to shape this if that mind is just as frail
as it's frame.
you know i'd leave it alone.

We can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures
ever-so-slender
taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

Besides, my problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave
and heaving's kind of hard with your hands tied round your waist.
point out the obvious, tell me just how dangerous
then bundle every fight in an "isn't right" and leave it alone.