singing joyfully in the rain.

LOOK! LOOK! LOOOOOOOK! those babies, they are MINE!
seriously, I'm so hyped up right now. they've been my dream shoes since... well, I've been dreaming and loved them in a year and a half now, and now they're finally mine. everytime I've seen them in the Adidas store, I've wanted to cry of frustration and fear, by the thought of them getting sold out (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating right now, but it's close to, actually). but they are absolutely amazing, and so funky. I'm so happy these babies are finally mine. I went to the bank today, to get some of the money for my London trip, only to find out that I had a ridiculously big amount of money on my account. so the first thought was; "well, going to the Adidas store can't hurt, I can just look for cheap things...".. so I went. and they were there. AND. there was a sale, 30 % off of everything. they are a collab of Adidas and Jeremy Scott, and they are the first version, which glows in dark. SO AWESOME and so lame. I fucking love it. they're MINE!

srsly u guise... I'M GOING TO LONDON IN, LIKE, 2 DAYS NOW. holy fucking shit tithead, I cannot wait, it's crazy! fuck man. hahahah. I'm about to pull my hair out and gorge my eyeballs out with a spoon, that's how excited I am. really, I haven't looked forward to anything that much as I do now, for a long time. I'm sure it's going to be awesome.. the day after we have arrived, there's Pride 2011.. and I SERIOUSLY want to attend and be all gay and stuff! I'm planning on making a t-shirt or a hoodie, depending on the weather, that says "I think my gender is Peter Pan. I'm just a boy, and I don't want to grow up", because that's one of the quotes that matches me and my gender identity the best. because honestly, I feel that way. but more about that later.

the places we're gonna see are also pretty fabulous - the one I'm looking most forward to, though, is Pickadilly Circus. I'm ARGH, so excited! that place looks like something just for me. I also hope we have time enough to go see the last Banksy in London.. just in honour of Anna, haha. she inspires me to do things, just like all my friends. but seriously, Pickadilly Circus.. cannot wait. it's so bright and full of colours. I'm going to wear something completely neon that day, that's for sure!
and we're going to sing Fergie's "London Bridge", while standing on London Bridge, because that's just how we roll and we're lame like that. but at least we find it funny!
also going to Madame Tussauds. and of course... VIVIENNE WESTWOOD'S OFFICIAL STORE. gskjgk. I've planned on buying something cheap from there, and I also hope to go see an Adidas store, and see if they have something else from the Jeremy Scott collections.

so these days I'm just preparing for the trip.
and then, I'm just chillaxing and hanging out with my lovely boyfriend. <3 people who say that we are cute together... you are so wrong. we are absolutely disgusting together. it's pretty amazing. but he makes me feel like a boy, and he really encourages me to be myself. like yesterday, he ran upstairs in a hurry, just to tell me that there was going to be an FTM on a Danish television show. it was this 15-year-old boy, who was in transition already. I was so happy for him, but on the same time, I felt a sting of sadness in my chest, because I feel like I'm wasting my youth away. really. I want to transition. I want to transition. I want to transition.
words and actions hurt me, and I hope people will see that with time. I act like it's no big deal when people say "her" about me, but it really do hurt, because I can't deal with it anymore. I've been living as a boy for the past months, and I haven't been happier about myself. everyone I know except a few refers to me as "him", and those who don't, I haven't talked to them about it yet, how I feel about being called a "she"... I'm not lesbian, never will be, and nor a tomboy.
you see, I can't relate to it at all. I don't relate to my body, nor the "wrong" pronouns. at all. it all feels so very distant to me, and it feels like they're talking about a whole other person than me.
but my mum is very supportive, and I can't thank her enough for that. she calls me Damien now, and rarely uses my birth name, and if she does, she corrects herself immediately. my sister, too. she calls me her brother. I don't really know about my big brother.. I haven't talked with him in ages.
they're currently debating whether or not they should call me "Damien", or continue to call me my by birth name, here at my residency (the hired, the residents calls me Damien, and refers to me as "him"). I'm really hoping for Damien, because it really drags me down when I'm called by my birth name... a constant reminder that you're not getting anywhere, and that you were born someone you're not.

now I'm sitting here with a smoke, and some muffins. I actually tried to quit a few weeks ago, which actually went surprisingly well. but then I fucked up, and started again.. I regret it so bad. but I'm going to stop after the trip to London, I think, if I can pull myself together. I don't want to waste my money on something as stupid as cigarettes.

but I think I'll head off now, I'll try to write tomorrow, before leaving for London's lights. <3