singing joyfully in the rain.

LOOK! LOOK! LOOOOOOOK! those babies, they are MINE!
seriously, I'm so hyped up right now. they've been my dream shoes since... well, I've been dreaming and loved them in a year and a half now, and now they're finally mine. everytime I've seen them in the Adidas store, I've wanted to cry of frustration and fear, by the thought of them getting sold out (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating right now, but it's close to, actually). but they are absolutely amazing, and so funky. I'm so happy these babies are finally mine. I went to the bank today, to get some of the money for my London trip, only to find out that I had a ridiculously big amount of money on my account. so the first thought was; "well, going to the Adidas store can't hurt, I can just look for cheap things...".. so I went. and they were there. AND. there was a sale, 30 % off of everything. they are a collab of Adidas and Jeremy Scott, and they are the first version, which glows in dark. SO AWESOME and so lame. I fucking love it. they're MINE!

srsly u guise... I'M GOING TO LONDON IN, LIKE, 2 DAYS NOW. holy fucking shit tithead, I cannot wait, it's crazy! fuck man. hahahah. I'm about to pull my hair out and gorge my eyeballs out with a spoon, that's how excited I am. really, I haven't looked forward to anything that much as I do now, for a long time. I'm sure it's going to be awesome.. the day after we have arrived, there's Pride 2011.. and I SERIOUSLY want to attend and be all gay and stuff! I'm planning on making a t-shirt or a hoodie, depending on the weather, that says "I think my gender is Peter Pan. I'm just a boy, and I don't want to grow up", because that's one of the quotes that matches me and my gender identity the best. because honestly, I feel that way. but more about that later.

the places we're gonna see are also pretty fabulous - the one I'm looking most forward to, though, is Pickadilly Circus. I'm ARGH, so excited! that place looks like something just for me. I also hope we have time enough to go see the last Banksy in London.. just in honour of Anna, haha. she inspires me to do things, just like all my friends. but seriously, Pickadilly Circus.. cannot wait. it's so bright and full of colours. I'm going to wear something completely neon that day, that's for sure!
and we're going to sing Fergie's "London Bridge", while standing on London Bridge, because that's just how we roll and we're lame like that. but at least we find it funny!
also going to Madame Tussauds. and of course... VIVIENNE WESTWOOD'S OFFICIAL STORE. gskjgk. I've planned on buying something cheap from there, and I also hope to go see an Adidas store, and see if they have something else from the Jeremy Scott collections.

so these days I'm just preparing for the trip.
and then, I'm just chillaxing and hanging out with my lovely boyfriend. <3 people who say that we are cute together... you are so wrong. we are absolutely disgusting together. it's pretty amazing. but he makes me feel like a boy, and he really encourages me to be myself. like yesterday, he ran upstairs in a hurry, just to tell me that there was going to be an FTM on a Danish television show. it was this 15-year-old boy, who was in transition already. I was so happy for him, but on the same time, I felt a sting of sadness in my chest, because I feel like I'm wasting my youth away. really. I want to transition. I want to transition. I want to transition.
words and actions hurt me, and I hope people will see that with time. I act like it's no big deal when people say "her" about me, but it really do hurt, because I can't deal with it anymore. I've been living as a boy for the past months, and I haven't been happier about myself. everyone I know except a few refers to me as "him", and those who don't, I haven't talked to them about it yet, how I feel about being called a "she"... I'm not lesbian, never will be, and nor a tomboy.
you see, I can't relate to it at all. I don't relate to my body, nor the "wrong" pronouns. at all. it all feels so very distant to me, and it feels like they're talking about a whole other person than me.
but my mum is very supportive, and I can't thank her enough for that. she calls me Damien now, and rarely uses my birth name, and if she does, she corrects herself immediately. my sister, too. she calls me her brother. I don't really know about my big brother.. I haven't talked with him in ages.
they're currently debating whether or not they should call me "Damien", or continue to call me my by birth name, here at my residency (the hired, the residents calls me Damien, and refers to me as "him"). I'm really hoping for Damien, because it really drags me down when I'm called by my birth name... a constant reminder that you're not getting anywhere, and that you were born someone you're not.

now I'm sitting here with a smoke, and some muffins. I actually tried to quit a few weeks ago, which actually went surprisingly well. but then I fucked up, and started again.. I regret it so bad. but I'm going to stop after the trip to London, I think, if I can pull myself together. I don't want to waste my money on something as stupid as cigarettes.

but I think I'll head off now, I'll try to write tomorrow, before leaving for London's lights. <3

and I just sing, doo doo doo. now we're in love.

so here's a picture of my boy and I, together. <3 if you're reading this - I LOVE YOU!
he has been with me, seen the worst sides of me, accepted me when I did not want to be touched at all because of social angst, when I've cried to The Land Before Time, when I've been angry, when I've been upset, and most of all; when I've felt full of love and laughed. he has supported me in everything, and listened to me and talked things through with me. he has seen me at my worst, when I dressed up as a girl one day, and broke down completely. he soothed me, and he even started crying when he saw how fucked up I felt. he tugs at my heart in a manner I cannot describe.. but it feels good, and I simply adore him. I feel high on love, because of him. I wouldn't have gotten out of this, if it weren't for him. he lifts up my everyday, and I can't thank him enough for that. of course, some part of me is also kicking me out of the feathers, but he has certainly helped. Jonas, I do love you, and I'm sorry I've been such a drag lately. <3 forgive, pl0xy, pl0x? elskemis.

so I'm sitting at my mum's place at 4 AM, and I'm in such a great mood, that I can't sleep. I don't know if it's good or bad. but I feel happy!
tomorrow, I'm going swimming, and that, I'm looking forward to. I didn't exercise today, because I didn't have time for it. so it'll be nice to burn off some energy... I can't wait to bulk up and see muscles underneath my skin. it's going to be awesome. especially my shoulders, arms and stomach, I'm looking forward to. when I'm going to bed, I'm going to do some extra crunches. that'd be good.

and then, before going swimming, I'm going to ask my sister if she can help me with a photoshoot. I'm going to be a robot, haha. :'D I hope it's gonna be nice. I'm not really skilled with makeup anymore, so she's probably gonna do it for me. it's just some sort of face-paint, where I'm going to look mechanical and jazz like that. :] OSSUM!

I'm happy.

I made an entry on my old blog on Livejournal, and it was nice to write with people I haven't written with in a year. I wrote about my coming out-stuff, and how life is nowadays. it was pleasant. :]

so I don't remember if I wrote about it earlier, but I'm currently thinking about saving up some monies for a natural testosteron booster called Tribulus, before I start on T. just to make all sure that this is what I want, though I'm completely sure that it's what I want and where my life is headed at. I don't feel comfortable in my body, and I can't relate to it at all - I feel awkward when looking at it, knowing that this is reality. I don't feel like it's mine when I look at it, that it should have been a male body that I should see. I simply don't get it.
I feel like a boy in my head, and have done that for years. it just took me a while to figure that out. it wasn't always I did that, but I identified instead as something inbetween genders - which I still do, occasionally, but I indentify as a male at the same time.

but well well, I'm heading off to bed now - I hope you all are having a wonderful sleep. <3

no matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.

long time no see! I haven't written in here for realz in, what, 2 weeks, since shit has gone down for that amount of time. but I consider it over now. I've realized some things, what to do and what not to do. the thing was, that I couldn't cope with the fact that I'm transgendered and gradually with gaining weight, I was suddenly so conscious about my figure. I've lost a few kgs during the 2 weeks I haven't written, but in a really unhealthy way - I was starving myself, and self-induced vomiting was also something I did daily. exercised waaay to much, and ate too little. and when I did eat, I purged.
but today, I woke up, and thought; "this can't be real. I won't get an eating disorder again. I will fight to get out of it", and looked up frightening stories, and worst-case-scenarios. and that, I must say, really helped. I found this article with very graphic pictures, about a girl who suffered from both anorexia and bulimia. she had eaten 5 liters of food (!), and when she purged, her stomach split open, causing her to die. that story really stuck to me, and when I think about not eating and when I have eaten and I feel like making myself sick, I think about her and her story.
so now, I'm not going to listen to the voices inside my head, but do it as healthily as possible. it's going to be hard, not listening to the voices, but better do it now, than when I had been too gone inside my own little world.
so yeah, I'm happy I came to this conclusion! :'D I'm going to swim tomorrow, and the day after that, I'm going to run and exercise. and then repeat everyday. I'm not gonna watch that much over how I eat, but just let it come, and stop eating when I'm not hungry - and NOT purge!
the last 2 weeks have been hell, to say it mildly. all I could think about was "diets", food, exercise and how much I hated my body, because of its gender. but I'm going to fight it - in a good way now!
I'm so sorry I caused so many persons concerns. I love you all, and thanks for being there. <3

on softer notes;
I went to Tivoli with some folks from my residency yesterday! I had a super awesome time. we have free cards to Tivoli, so we are there pretty often, but it was nice anyways. my boyfriend, Jonas, left earlier though, and I missed him.
so Laura, Nanna, Camilla and two of the hired from our residency tried rollercoasters and the like. it was so much fun, and I had a lovely time!

today, I'm going to celebrate Sankt Hans together with my sister, whom I haven't been together alone with in ages. I'm looking forward to it like a maniac! it's awesomesauce. <3
I have some booze, and I plan on getting a bit drunk together with her.

oh, and I'm going to London in a week from now! I CANNOT WAIT!!! AAAAARRRRRGHHH~ it's together with Emilia, and I can't describe how excited I am. we're just going to take a motherfucking bunch of pictures, drink lattes, and see different awesome places. and... we're going to see Vivienne Westwood's official store!!! <3 <3 <3
as you probably can see, I AM EXCITED.

but I'll update tomorrow or the day after, because I got to go now. take care babies. <3

"the best little girl in the world."

just a quick entry, since someone (*cough*) is forcing me to upload the pictures... <3
so Emilia and I made a photoshoot today, as she skipped school. I was behind the camera, and she was the gorgeous model. I was inspired by the novel, "The Best Little Girl In The World", written by Steven Levenkron.

we can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures ever-so-slender. taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

ladies and gentlemen, I have an amazing boyfriend. <3 as of the 2nd of June, we decided to make it official. we've been dating and fooling around for a month or more, and it's been amazing, it really has. his name is Jonas, and he's 18 and lives at my residency. he has big, beatiful blue eyes, and a great heart. he listens to me whenever I feel happy, and when I'm down, he listens. he has supported me in all ways imaginable, and I've helped him out quite a few times, too. he's really wonderful, and it feels incredible to be able to call him "mine". <3 we've been visiting his mum and my mum some days ago, and it was pretty awesome. his mum is sweet, and calls me her "son in law", hahahah. Jonas has met my mum before, and he loves her, so there's no problems there. we also went to Tivoli and ate at Wagamama last Thursday, which was really cozy and nice. uhmmm. <3 I'm so lucky to have him, I really feel like that!

but there's some things on my mind, which is bugging me. alot, actually. the thing is, that food and weight has become a part of my life again, at least for this time. I constantly think about what I eat, and I have food I'm not allowed to eat (which is pretty much everything), and food I'm allowed to eat. I want to loose weight so bad, and I want control.. if I am skinny, I won't get "my monthly visitor", and I won't have any curves. maybe then, I can feel better about my body, and try to beat my genes.
I looked through some old pictures of myself, when I weighed around 47 kgs, and I miss it so much. I weigh around 10 kgs more than that... so I'm on this crazy diet, where I pretty much only eat 500 to 600 calories a day. I eat soup, celery, cucumber, strawberries, bananas (even though I think about cutting that off, too), and rye bread crackers with salmon (but only if there's ALOT of chili on)... and that's about it. it's sick, and I fear the thought of getting anorexia again. I walk constantly. I just want to control myself, and I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.

but yeah, that was me whining. I just thought I would let you guys know, since the blog is mostly for close friends and myself.

but my days are actually pretty fine, and I'm enjoying life. I just miss my best friend so bad.

and now, I think I'm off to bed. I don't have much on my mind, and I don't really feel like talking about my days, since I can't really remember anything.

and because this song is on replay all the fucking time right at the moment, because it's marvelous and describes my feelings well;

Pompeii - Numbers.

Came at you in silence, my back at the wall.
"i've seen those nights where you binge and purge"
Those locks on your doors tell me when you're crouched on all fours
counting tile, losing bile and sleep.
"it's just a diet, i've kept it quiet. Even if you told all my family and
friends they would never believe it."
I think you're right. I can't believe it too
that it's you, but it's you.

My problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave,
I weighed out every option, that scale's not fit for advice.
Medical language won't ever help to shape this if that mind is just as frail
as it's frame.
you know i'd leave it alone.

We can beat genetics, adopting new aesthetics for beautiful bodies, figures
ever-so-slender
taking control, oh. oh, what a nice, nice thing.

Besides, my problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave
and heaving's kind of hard with your hands tied round your waist.
point out the obvious, tell me just how dangerous
then bundle every fight in an "isn't right" and leave it alone.

you're holding up my world, so I need you.

some days ago, I read some of my former blog entries, and I realized how happy and blissful my days are. of course, there's troubles and worries too, but nothing like my past and when I was at my sickest point in my life. I've survived so much, and it's paying off right at the moment, with good days and joy. I really realized how amazing and lovely my life is, and how great it is to be alive. I'm starting up at a school for writers this summer, and I really can't wait. it's going to be so good, and all I want is just to start up right now. it's mostly interviews and stuff like that, for the school magazine in Denmark. but we will also be working on poems, manuscripts, short stories, and prosa. I really can't wait! it's going to be amazing, to do something I want to everyday, and even getting paid for it. you get like.. 3-4000 a month, just for being there, and doing what you like to do. I'm so hyped up right now! I really hope I can get a spot there, I would absolutely love that. and some of my friends go at that school too, just on other lines of creativity. for example, my great friend Emma will be going there next year again (she went last school year too), just on the music line. Emilia, too, have gone there. she was on the photo line, and one of the former residents at my residency has gone to the writer's line, too. argh, I really can't wait!! I will probably be there for half a year, and when it's around Christmas, I'll try to get a spot at Grib Chancen, so I can finish my education. it's lovely, and I really do feel like I can manage it. last year, I couldn't and dropped out. this time, I'm almost sure it will be different.
so I'm happy.

I have an amazing, heart-tugging best friend, and she's incredible. and so beautiful. she supports me in everything, and is completely honest in everything she vents with me. I wanted to see her today, but I think she didn't ask her parents.. I want to see her this weekend, since I miss her so much. she's really incredible and fun. we always do crazy and chillax and fat stuff when we're together. crazy, like being extremely uncharming and fooling around with weird stuff, like making a homemade lava-lamp out of sugar, soy sauce and other stuff you shouldn't mix together. chillax, like gaming video games, and spending our summer playing frisbee at the park while drinking. fat, like eating everything that is possible to eat, HAHAHA.
come visit me, darling.. <3

and I have amazing friends, who supports me in being transsexual, my past, my thoughts and my good and bad days. thanks to all of you, I've become so much more happy than I have ever been, and I can't thank you all enough for that. you make life worth living.

yesterday, I went out with Jonas, to meet his mother for the first time. oh, yeah, Jonas is my love at the moment.. surprised? most aren't. hahaha.
anyway, we went to his mum's place, which took us like an hour to get there on the way there, and only took us 20 minutes on the way home. FAIL! I was really nervous, I always am, when I meet my crushes/lover's parents. I don't know why. maybe it's because I want to make a great impression as possible, because if they can't accept me, why should my love then? and I know how much Jonas' mum means to him, he loves her with all of his heart. so we bought some beautiful orchids on the way, and met up with her and drank a beer/somersby, before we headed home to her place. it's a really nice little apartment she's got, in my opinion. oh, and I found the cutest picture ever! <3 it's a picture of Jonas when he was around 15 years old, and he looks so adorable and way too cute. I got all happy when I found that picture, and now it's the background on my cellphone. you gotta see it;

ISN'T HE ADORABLE!? hahahhahaha. he was so pop, it seems. but so cute. I just wanna pinch his cheeks and nawww. <3
we drank some red wine at his mum's place, before eating, and sat there, talking. or, it was mostly them talking, since it was about his past, and what he had done and not done. it was a rather sad conversation, actually, but I knew it all because we've talked about it several times, for hours, I think. he has been through some rough shit, and I'm so proud of him that he's totally done with it all. I am really proud of him. <3
we ate spareribs (which were like, really delicious) and baked potatoes and more red wine. it was nice, even though I got a bit drunk. we left after dinner, bought some more wine, and headed home to our residency, hand in hand. when we got home, we talked about some things I have to settle with him, if we were to get in a relationship, which we absolutely will. and he was so understanding, kind and sweet. he totally gets me, which I appreciate from the bottom of my heart. it was amazing. I'm still in awe over how gentle and incredible he is, and I will be so proud to someday call him mine. <3

today, I was woken up by him at 9:30 or so, because we had to help his mother moving some furniture. it was kind of a hard job. then when we got home, we laid in the grass in sunshine.
later, we're going to Tivoli, just to walk around for an hour or so, since we have this free card to it. after that, we're going out eating. we're going to eat at Wagamama, and I already know what I want from there; teriyaki salmon soba, NOM NOM NOM. <3

my heart is full of candies, bubbles and confetti, and I feel like I'm soon gonna explode with happiness. <3