you make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer. and I need you now somehow.

I've returned from Greece/Karpathos, and it was absolutely awesome. I miss it already! I didn't do that much, other than reading in the sun, drinking cocktails, eating delicious food, sleeping and sunbathing. that was pretty much my everyday. it was so nice! :] but there was rain and stormy weather two of the days, which I spent on reading and sleeping. I read Sputnik Sweetheart, by Haruki Murakami, and it's a very beautiful, deep book, in my opinion. it makes some good points, and there was a lot of great metaphors in it, too. and then, of course, there's a lot of thoughts and talks in the book, about Sputnik. and I absolutely adore Sputnik. <3 it meant a lot to me at a time, it still does. that you're miles up in the air, circling around the Earth, crying out to the world before your feet, as you burn up in space by yourself. it's hard to explain, but I really identified with Sputnik at a time. I still do sometimes, and it's one of the most beautiful things man has ever created, in my opinion.
but back to the vacation - it was so lovely. I ate swordfish one of the days, and it was so tastaaay! haha. and the cocktails were amazing. I ended up drunk after only 2 drinks one of the days, because they were so strong. it was rather embarassing.
and the view from the balcony was incredible. I can't even describe it. it was stunning.. <3
bought some presents/souvenirs to Laura, Jonas, Cecil and Emilia, and they seemed to like them. they were incredibly cheesy, those presents, hahahah. but yeah.

I also realized something during the vacation, that I indeed am in love with him, that utterly sweet guy I know. he's so kind, and I get this lovely feeling bubbling up inside, when I think of him. he picked me up at the airport, and just seeing his face was enough to overwhelm me with euphoria as I slung my arms around his neck and kissed him gently. just... ARGH! hahahahah. <3 I am full of happiness and bubbly hearts and confetti at the moment.
I woke up in his arms the day after I returned home, and I realized how incredible and blissful it all felt.

when I got home from Greece, I hung out with Emma, Jonas, Askur and Loop. it was so lovely to see them all again, and I've really missed all their weird comments and thoughts. we (minus Emma) went out and smoked some pot, the four of us, and I got really high. it was fun, even though it was raining. I know it's stupid of me to smoke all that jazz, but the last many times I've done it, I haven't badtripped or felt down the day after. at least I'm only doing it once in a while, and not everyday. :]
got home, talked and had fun with the others, and snuggled up.

then yesterday, Emilia came over! ARGH, SO NICE TO SEE HER AGAIN. <3 we just chilled and ate McD food and being uncharming as always, when I got this impulse; angelbites. which my sister would be giving me as a present... which I have wanted in half a year now.. SO OFF WE WENT TO THE PIERCEEEERRRRR. it wasn't the piercer I normally go to when I get pierced, because his shop wasn't open, and it was more expensive. so I went to the piercer who made my old bridge. he fucked up, and I got pierced 3 times instead of 2, so I have a small hole under one of the piercings. and then he put in the wrong jewelry to start with. I wasn't that pleased...
but I'm happy about the result! I removed the three I had under my lip, so it wasn't too intense. but today, when I woke up, my upper lip was completely swollen and ew. ): I looked, and still do, like someone who's gotten botox or sumthin. can't wait for my lip to swollen down again, haha.

and today, I went home to my mum's place, together with Laura. she wanted some of my old clothes from when I was girly. instead, we ended up nomming like maniacs, eating both cashew nuts, chips and Ben&Jerry's. but it was nice, haha! oh, and we watched The L Word season 4. I had a really great time together with her, and I've missed her so much. <3

but I gotta go now, that cute boy is in my room now, and I want to spend time with him. have a great time everyone. <3

I know, you know, you knew, you never could.

yo all! wassup? are you all enjoying yourself? 'cause I sure am. life is weird and wonderful, in a strange way. a lot of things has gone up and down since the last time I wrote, which is a pretty long time ago actually. I've turned 18, so legally, I'm an adult now. it's weird, and I can't really get the thought smashed into my head yet. I still see myself as a kid, probably always will do. I don't believe that I'll ever grow up, I'll end up like Peter Pan instead, just by heart. he's my rolemodel, actually. I was told by my aunt or something like that, that I had always reminded her of him, and I got so happy. it was around my mum's birthday, I think I've mentioned that on my blog in an earlier entry. I'm happy.

so yeah, I turned 18! woo. I had an awesome day. I spent my last evening as 17 in my mum's kitchen, together with Jonas, reminiscing good times and bad times from my life. went for a walk with him, and we ended up at the same hospital I was at 2 years ago. it brought a lot of memories along, just being there. but I'm glad he was with me, even though he really hates hospitals, especially "loonybins". it meant a lot to me.

then came Tuesday, my birthday. got woken up by my mum and my sister singing "happy birthday" to me, including a rather disturbing "remix" of the song. hahahha. ate homebaked buns and drank hot chocolat and had fun with my family and Jonas. I could already sense that the day was going to be awesome.
then in the afternoon I went home to my residency together with Jonas. went to the piercer with Nanna, but he wasn't on work, so we couldn't get our tongue piercings shortened. oh yeah, I got a tongue piercing 2 weeks ago, and it's absolutely awesome to have it back. :'D I love it.

then Emilia, my good friend, came over, and gave me some really amazing presents. apparently, she remembered what my favorite perfume is, even though I've only mentioned it to her once or so. so she gave me that, 2 packs of Blue Kings cigarettes, 200 DKK and and and.... 2 DVDS OF "LAND BEFORE TIME"!!!! I was so touched and happy, and I couldn't stop smiling. she's really a great friend, she is. I love her. from Jonas, I got a really sweet letter, and in the upcoming month, I'll get "my real present". can't wait. my mum is giving me a tattoo, and my sister is paying for my angelbites, which I'm getting when I come home from vacation. my brother gave me 800 DKK, and Askur, 2 packs of Blue Kings.<3

then we ate tortillas at my residency and made layercake with strawberry and banana, nom nom nom nom. <3 it was OSSUM. so good, I tell you, so good!
and then we headed off to Tivoli, 3 of my friends and I. I'm keeping them anonymous this time, because there's some private stuff about them I need to tell after this, because it's something that's bugging me. but we had a really great time, ate candyfloss and rode rollercoasters and laughed a hella lot. I couldn't figure out how I could get a better 18th birthday, tbh, besides that Cecil would be there with me, too. <3 I miss her so much.

the thing is... I've written about this crush I have, right? well, it's not quite over. and going to Tivoli only made me realize that it was more than a crush at that time.. it's getting better now, it's slowly starting to go away. but the thing is, that one of the guys I live with, has gotten feelings for her, and she's got feelings for him too. so whenever she held her arm, tried rollercoasters together or something, I felt so fucking frustrated, because I saw her as my girlfriend. it's kind of ridiculous.
but I've come to terms with the fact that I cannot get her, and I'm getting over her.

and also; the thing that made me slowly start to get over her, was a conversation with a good friend of mine. he confessed his feelings to me, and we talked it over. I've also felt like I eventually could get feelings for him, same as he says he's confused about right at the moment. love is a big blur for me at the moment, to be completely honest. because I miss him when I'm not with him, and we kiss, hold hands and fool around everyday, acting exactly like lovers do. it's really weird, but it feels right. it really does. but we are both not sure about our feelings, because it's not like a new summer love. we've known each other for a while now, half a year I think. we've loved each other in a few months, too, but just as friends to start with.
frankly, I really don't know what to do. as I wrote before, love is a big blur for me, and I'm so confused. is it possible to have a crush on two persons at the same time?

I'm leaving Denmark on Sunday, and I will be back in a week or so. I can't wait. going to Greece, hellz yeah baby! I'm gonna get so fat and tanned, hahaha. it's lovely.

I hope you all will enjoy your days. <3

"it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me instead of me trying to adapt to my body".

I don't really have that much to say about my days this time, but I have a lot on my mind. I know some will be annoyed and shit, but I need to get things off my chest, since this is MY blog - I'm not writing it to please anyone else.
I'm soon 18, in 15 days, to be more specific. I've had a hard time figuring out who I am, and I've been through a lot of phases with my appearance and self-perception. when I was around 12 or so, I started to think; "why can't I be the male model in the magazine?" and cried by my self when I went to bed and I was alone. I was scared of growing up. now, I've realized something. I'm still scared of growing up, with all the responsibility you get. but I realized it was not that I was afraid of. I was scared of becoming a woman, with a curvy body and the way I was going to be "decided by others how to live my life". like, for an instant, I was the one who were to get pregnant, if I ever wanted kids of my own. I've been extremely terrified of pregancy and delivering a child as long as I can remember, because it just wasn't fit for me. I remember my mum once read a book aloud when I was around 5 years old, and I started weeping like a maniac, because I was so afraid and disgusted. it's weird I still can recall it. but it stuck to me.
when I was around 14, I started dressing in a Japanese style, visual kei. I put pictures up on a site called DeviantArt, pictures of myself. and I remember people started questioning my gender. and you know what? I felt so happy. I can't describe it. at first, I told people I was a girl, because that's what my body told me. then, when more people began to question it, I changed my gender on my profile from "girl" to "unknown". when people asked, I answered "I'll leave that to you to decide". I was like.. 14 back then. and I kept doing that.
I felt dysphoria about my body, but because I was underweight, I felt more like a boy. I had no real curves at all. but then I gained weight, during my hospitalization and treatment for depression and atypical schizophrenia. I was used to being skinny, because I've been that my entire life, and suddenly I couldn't control my own body.
I started dressing really girly. on a normal day, I would wear foundation, concealer, lots of mascara and eyeliner. wore over-the-top girly dresses. acted really girly, too. some times a week, I would also wear fake lashes. when I was back with my second ex-boyfriend, I started dressing in a Japanese style (again), this time "gyaru/gal". really girly style. some days, though, I would dress in onii kei, also known as "big brother style". that phase took a while, dressing up everyday. then I got my third ex-boyfriend, where I still dressed really girly, but now in my own style. but I started to feel like it was not me. we talked about it, and I came to the conclusion that I was genderqueer. I identified as that for a while. but then I felt like it just wasn't right.
I started getting more and more masculine. I felt more comfortable and like I had found myself. it felt right. I started feeling better about myself, and gained more of confidence. not a lot, though, but I gained what I could get, when you're sensitive.
back in the summer, I was really psychotic. that was also the time I was really girly. I think it came from surpressing myself. or maybe all the weed I smoked. but it's pretty much gone by now, probably because of the medicin I intake. maybe because I've come to terms with who I am, I don't know, to be honest, and I don't really care. it's over!
I've owned a binder for a year now, and I used it once in a while when I wanted to look like a boy. now, because I've worn it too much over the past few 6 months circa, it's stretched out and doesn't really work. so I'm currently using gaze, which makes me totally flat.
I don't feel like a girl. not a tomboy, because I'm not. I've had two transsexual boyfriends, and I could relate to them and understand them. I thought I was genderqueer for a while, but it turned out that I wasn't. pretty much everyone at my residency knows about my self-perception now, and they all see me as a dude, one of their bros, as they say, haha. they treat me like I want to be treated, and it feels right. they see right through me.
I've finally realized who I am, and who I will become. not a woman, but a man. and it sure took me 18 years to figure that out, even though I've felt like a boy since I was twelve. I've realized that I was so over-the-top back when I was girly, that I dressed up and tried to prove people I was someone I wasn't. I was always "me", I was just surpressing myself, though. and I finally feel like I'm myself, and at peace with that. I was dressing in drag, with lipstick and poofy skirts and extensions.
I might not be the most masculine person in the whole world, but it's not what's typical of a boy to like, but what's inside your heart and head, I've realized.
I had an anxiety attack yesterday, because some boys at a male shop couldn't figure my gender out, and was all like "is that a girl? no, look at her legs. it's a girl." I felt so fucking frustrated, like I can't fool anyone, make anyone see the real me. dressed up in women's clothing a week ago, because I was thinking stuff like "I will never become a real boy". in the end, I just got more down than I've been in.. a really long time, and psychotic, because I surpressed myself. I'm not a girl.

so in short version pl0x - yes, I'm coming out as a transsexual boy, an FTM. and it sure is hard for me to write this entry, you have no idea. I'm afraid people won't believe me, because I've been so girly in my appearence. but I am who I am mentally, and it just took me a while to figure it all out.

and what am I gonna do about the future? I turn 18 on May 17th, and I'm leaving Denmark for a week on the 22nd, will be back around May 29th. but when I get back, I'm going to talk to my doctor, about getting a refferal to a specialist, because I can't get through to the Sexoligical Clinic because I have a diagnosis. it's okay, though. I've heard that sexological clinic is a stuck-up little bitch, with a stick in their ass. so I'm more comfortable with the specialist.
but I'm trying to get a yes on starting on hormones, as soon as possible. I don't want to waste my life on being someone I'm not. I really, really hope for a yes.
I have an inheritance from my father, and I think I will spend them on an apartment and my transition. he probably wouldn't be proud of me, but I think he would like that I would become "the real me".

it would be lovely to someday be able to say; "it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me, instead of me trying to adapt to my body", as Skylarkeleven once said in his early transition.

I feel her smooth skin slightly brush against the backside of my arm.

I think I've started to get a crush. idk yet. I felt it when I was with the person the last time, but she's really amazing and outstanding. and she's gorgeous and I get this amazing feeling in my belly when I think of her. it's really stupid, though. and confusing. 'cause I don't want to mess up things, you know? and the worst part is... we would be so fucking amazing together. and... I would be so good to her. I'd drop anything to be with her. but I'm so afraid of fucking things up..

andddd....these days are wonderful and I have a lot to tell! I don't even know where to begin, haha.
I'm enjoying the weather to the fullest, it's almost summerlike by now, with hot temperatures and lots of sunshine and not a single cloud on the sky. I'm enjoying it with all of my friends, and I'm to be honest, having a blast.

last Wednesday, Emilia and I threw a party at my mum's apartment, and I would pretty much say it succeeded. I had such an awesome time. it was a birthday/moustache party, which meant everyone was entitled to having a moustache. it was fricking awesome. it was a rather small party, I think we were about 15 persons, but we both didn't want the party to be big, Emilia and I. bought a lot of booze, and made moustache cake and pineapple pieces shaped like moustaches. hahahahaha. it was pretty nice. then the guests arrived, and they all looked fabulous. jonas, omg. he looked exactly like freddie mercury. lawlz0r. then we got our booze on, and danced and talked all night. listened to a lot of random crap, like Benny Lava, Omnomnom song, smurf's hits, and a hella lot of great music too. then the guests left, and Jonas, Askur and I partied on. then askur fell asleep, and Jonas and I kept drinking until morning. when the sun started to rise, we went for an hour and a half long walk, where we just talked and had a good time. lol'd over random things. got back, and took our pants off, hahahahahah. don't even ask..

then a few days ago, Laura, Jonas, Askur, David and I went to Søndermarken (where, lately, I've been spending all my evenings) while wearing nightwear. Askur wore my kigurumi, hahahahahah. he got so many creepy stares! but we had much fun. drank some booze and got wasted, like I did pretty much everyday during last week. went home and played singstar.

the day before yesterday, I hung out with my lovely friend Emilia, she's so fucking incredible and I have a blast whenever I'm with her. love her to pieces. we pretty much just chilled and had a great time in the sun, laughing at random things and being silly. went for looooong walks in the park, and went to her place, to get some monies so we could eat - oh yeah, dats right - SUSHI! hahahah. it's so good. but I had an amazing day, she's amazing and I will do anything for her when she's down. she's so cute. I LOVE YOU!

then yesterday, I went to Tivoli with Laura and Jonas, and ate ice cream/churros. then this really (no offense, but yeah) ugly toddler ran by us, and we laughed for like... 5 minutes. I had a lovely night. <3

today, I went to Strøget with Jonas and shopped. got some new shoes, socks, a computer bag, a pair of 3/4 shorts, and a tanktop. spent 4 hours there. oh, and the bag is Adidas! like omg. hahaha. fucking love adidas.
got home, and played frisbee and football in the garden and wrestled. <3

all the other days spent during the easter vacation has been spent on drinking with my friends. been to the kings garden a few times, and of course, like.. pretty much everyday; Søndermarken. I don't really remember anything else..

my legs are dangling off the edge, a stomach full of pills didn't work again, I'll put a bullet in my head, and I'm gone.

I've removed my cheek piercings... sadly. I fucking hate it. and I have these really ugly-ass scars now, because I should have taken them out a long time ago, when they started fucking up.. which they to do started a few months ago. but it was for the better, that I took them out. they had started to move down my cheeks, so I had started to get red marks from them. and they hurt and was swollen. so it was probably for the better.
but I feel like some part of me is missing, because I've removed them. it sucks ('cuz they play some of my favorite songs, like, stab my heart because I love you, and rip apart my soul, and of course; STABBY RIP STAB STAB. hahahhhaha).
instead, I'm thinking about angelbites. but it's just that.. everybody around me say it won't look good on me. but I want them so fucking bad. I can always take them out, if they don't look good. they're one of my favorite piercings, together with butterfly piercings, and septum.

today, I woke up, and felt really bad, physically. I've been sick since Sunday. but my contact person forced me to get up, and go to my japanese lessons, even though I was really sick.. so on the way, I got really down and stressed, and felt so sick. so we decided it was for the better, that I got home. danx gawd.

then I've pretty much just hung out with Askur, Jonas and Frederik. looked at some semi-porn magazines, and smoked some fags. oh, and I gave Askur a boner, because I licked his finger. it was pretty lawlz-worthy.

I've been thinking a lot lately.. spent my nights doing so. I want to get tattooed soon, most likely on my birthday. I want to get "bird little bird" written on my right arm, together with a little black bird, and then "you have no freedom" on the left arm, and a little feather. I've been thinking about this tattoo for a while. and right at the moment, I can't get it out of my head. also, because I can relate to it in a lot of different ways.
I'll never be able to accept myself, my gender, and my past. I'm bound to it, and I can't run away from it. so yeah...

lately, all I'm listening to is Hollywood Undead's song, "Bullet". it's pretty genius. it's a pretty happy-sounding song, but the lyrics are so.. emo. hahahah. but it's really brilliant, it is.

so if I survive, well then I'll see you tomorrow, yeah I'll see you tomorrow.

det brænder under huden, hvem kysser dig nu?

so these days have been awesome, really. but I've sprained my toe, because I've been drunk and wrestled with loop.. but I'll tell you more about that later, in this entry.

last Friday, I went drinking with Emma and Andreas, her boyfriend. it was so nice! we went to Floss, this underground bar. drank 3-4 shots each, and a lot of beers and sommersby. then we went to Cozy, a gay bar, even though they both claim to be straight. Emma puked on Floss, and we left after that, pretty much. but they're both so nice! I had a really great time. and the drink at Cozy's was pretty badass, with the alcohol procent, so... yeah. ended up pretty drunk. hahaha. it was niiiiice.
then Saturday, I picked up Yasmin at the central station, and chilled with her at my residency together with my roommates. sorry if I mispell anything, I'm still drunk.. I'll explain that later.
but went to CC/Club Cristopher this Saturday, together with Michelle, Yasmin, Jonas, Nanna and Yasmin's two friends. it was nice in the start, and we drank some drinks and just talked and stuff. Nanna and I had a deal to freak out people with telling them telling them that we had fucked (which we hadn't), but we didn't get to say it to them, because of some drama that came up..
you see. I kissed a girl in the club, and one of my friends freaked completely out, because she was jealous. she even started crying, which was really bad. and Jonas got alchohol poisoned, so we had to call an ambulance, since he was too wasted for us to deal with. and on the same time, one of my friends couldn't sense her leg.. so I was freaking out, getting all stressed and shit. it was horrible, looking after 3 persons at a time. and that fucking ambulance wouldn't take jonas with them! apparently, they don't take alcohol poisoned people with them anymore. I got so fucking pissed. so we took a cab home, even though it took a while for it to get there, and I owe my residency a lot of money now,... sucks, man, sucks.
there was a lot of drama, including Jonas burning his hand on purpose with a cigarette, resulting in Nanna leaving. it was horrible. so much drama in one night.

wednesday, we celebrated little Thursday (ahahhahahahahaha) at Søndermarken, a park near our residency. we had beer, vodka, små blå, and whiskey, so we got pretty wasted. I wrestled with Loop/Frederik, and I sprained my toe by running directly into his knee.. it looks so gross by now, all blue, and ew. but it was a hella fun! we played "I have never...." and I had a lot of shit on Emma, so we laughed a lot. I just remember laying in the grass, being all whiny and "AAAAARGH MY TOES HURT!!one", hahahhaha. oh yeah, and I gave Jonas a massive erection at one point, AHAAHAHHAHAAAH.

and today, I went drinking again, together with Askur, Emma, Andreas, Jonas, Loop, and Nanna. it was fuuuuun. I'm still a bit drunk. but it's almost 6 AM, so I'm considering going to bed... we just sat there and talked for a few hours, while getting drunk.
then we got home, and I puked all over my floor, after they left me. it was so gross, but I've cleaned it all up. but I was really drunk.
then Jonas, that sweet boy, came down again, and we had some serious talk, about my gender identity, and how it is like to be me. it was nice. I feel like we get closer to each other each day.
we got on a lot of touchy subjects.. I'm surprised I didn't cry at all.

but Askur and him tugged me in, while listening to Britney Spears, so I couldn't be happier. <3 I fucking love life, from time to time.

how come I'm drunk all the time, recently?

right here at Denny's, drinking coffee and sharing a cigarette.

today, around 11 AM, Jonas and Nanna woke me up, because we were going shopping. they kept knocking on my door, and I kept replying, but they didn't hear that. so in the end, because I was tired, I just yelled "I'M FUCKING UP GODDAMNIT!". when I get woken up like that, I can get cranky, like a little child. it's pretty br00tal. but if Nanna's reading this, then; I'm sorry, okay? XD hahahah. but it was just because they kept knocking, and telling me to wake up, when I actually was awake. for some reason, that pissed me off. I fail at life...
but then they came into my room, and we smoke some fags and talked for a bit. Frederik joined us, too. it was a pretty nice way to wake up, being social and shit from the start, haha.
then Nanna and I got ready, and headed off. we went to my piercer, since I needed to get my ears stretched again. it's his last day in Gorlubb, so I had to make sure I got it done before he left for good. he's starting his own piercing studio in Hardcase Tattoo (and now, Piercing).
I originally wanted the blue tunnels they had, but they didn't have it in my new size.. so I chose some neon yellow, as you can see in the picture. Nanna thought it would look horrible, but when I got them in, she actually admitted that it looked kinda rad, haha. I'm in love with them, I think they're awesome. but hell, it hurt to get them stretched! I wanted to get them up to 10 mm this time, but it was safer to only get them up to 8mm. so yeah.. sadface, but they're still kinda cool. but when I got my lobes stretched, it hurt like hell. I spasmed all over when he did it, hahah. fail. and they hurt a lot afterwards. they are still kinda sore, actually..
and I had to get used to feeling air waving through my ears, hahahah!

then we met up with Jonas, and went shopping. Nanna bought a pair of Iron Fist shoes, and they're so rad and lovely! I fucking love them, they're amazing. I bought a t-shirt with space invaders on, and two donut necklaces, since my other one broke. Jonas bought some pants, and two lovely t-shirts. and he bought us waffles, nommm!

then we got home, ate dinner, and then Laura and I watched Boys Don't Cry. she started crying at one point and left the room, I was so worried, so I followed her. but she's okay now, it's just a very harsh movie to watch. Jonas joined us in the ending, and he got all bummed out.
then Jonas and I went to my room for some smokes, and just sat and had some deep talks. it was nice, got on a lot of different subjects. then Laura came down and joined us for 20 minutes, and then we parted, all of us.

I basically just wanted to update about my day, because it's been great, really.