"it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me instead of me trying to adapt to my body".

I don't really have that much to say about my days this time, but I have a lot on my mind. I know some will be annoyed and shit, but I need to get things off my chest, since this is MY blog - I'm not writing it to please anyone else.
I'm soon 18, in 15 days, to be more specific. I've had a hard time figuring out who I am, and I've been through a lot of phases with my appearance and self-perception. when I was around 12 or so, I started to think; "why can't I be the male model in the magazine?" and cried by my self when I went to bed and I was alone. I was scared of growing up. now, I've realized something. I'm still scared of growing up, with all the responsibility you get. but I realized it was not that I was afraid of. I was scared of becoming a woman, with a curvy body and the way I was going to be "decided by others how to live my life". like, for an instant, I was the one who were to get pregnant, if I ever wanted kids of my own. I've been extremely terrified of pregancy and delivering a child as long as I can remember, because it just wasn't fit for me. I remember my mum once read a book aloud when I was around 5 years old, and I started weeping like a maniac, because I was so afraid and disgusted. it's weird I still can recall it. but it stuck to me.
when I was around 14, I started dressing in a Japanese style, visual kei. I put pictures up on a site called DeviantArt, pictures of myself. and I remember people started questioning my gender. and you know what? I felt so happy. I can't describe it. at first, I told people I was a girl, because that's what my body told me. then, when more people began to question it, I changed my gender on my profile from "girl" to "unknown". when people asked, I answered "I'll leave that to you to decide". I was like.. 14 back then. and I kept doing that.
I felt dysphoria about my body, but because I was underweight, I felt more like a boy. I had no real curves at all. but then I gained weight, during my hospitalization and treatment for depression and atypical schizophrenia. I was used to being skinny, because I've been that my entire life, and suddenly I couldn't control my own body.
I started dressing really girly. on a normal day, I would wear foundation, concealer, lots of mascara and eyeliner. wore over-the-top girly dresses. acted really girly, too. some times a week, I would also wear fake lashes. when I was back with my second ex-boyfriend, I started dressing in a Japanese style (again), this time "gyaru/gal". really girly style. some days, though, I would dress in onii kei, also known as "big brother style". that phase took a while, dressing up everyday. then I got my third ex-boyfriend, where I still dressed really girly, but now in my own style. but I started to feel like it was not me. we talked about it, and I came to the conclusion that I was genderqueer. I identified as that for a while. but then I felt like it just wasn't right.
I started getting more and more masculine. I felt more comfortable and like I had found myself. it felt right. I started feeling better about myself, and gained more of confidence. not a lot, though, but I gained what I could get, when you're sensitive.
back in the summer, I was really psychotic. that was also the time I was really girly. I think it came from surpressing myself. or maybe all the weed I smoked. but it's pretty much gone by now, probably because of the medicin I intake. maybe because I've come to terms with who I am, I don't know, to be honest, and I don't really care. it's over!
I've owned a binder for a year now, and I used it once in a while when I wanted to look like a boy. now, because I've worn it too much over the past few 6 months circa, it's stretched out and doesn't really work. so I'm currently using gaze, which makes me totally flat.
I don't feel like a girl. not a tomboy, because I'm not. I've had two transsexual boyfriends, and I could relate to them and understand them. I thought I was genderqueer for a while, but it turned out that I wasn't. pretty much everyone at my residency knows about my self-perception now, and they all see me as a dude, one of their bros, as they say, haha. they treat me like I want to be treated, and it feels right. they see right through me.
I've finally realized who I am, and who I will become. not a woman, but a man. and it sure took me 18 years to figure that out, even though I've felt like a boy since I was twelve. I've realized that I was so over-the-top back when I was girly, that I dressed up and tried to prove people I was someone I wasn't. I was always "me", I was just surpressing myself, though. and I finally feel like I'm myself, and at peace with that. I was dressing in drag, with lipstick and poofy skirts and extensions.
I might not be the most masculine person in the whole world, but it's not what's typical of a boy to like, but what's inside your heart and head, I've realized.
I had an anxiety attack yesterday, because some boys at a male shop couldn't figure my gender out, and was all like "is that a girl? no, look at her legs. it's a girl." I felt so fucking frustrated, like I can't fool anyone, make anyone see the real me. dressed up in women's clothing a week ago, because I was thinking stuff like "I will never become a real boy". in the end, I just got more down than I've been in.. a really long time, and psychotic, because I surpressed myself. I'm not a girl.

so in short version pl0x - yes, I'm coming out as a transsexual boy, an FTM. and it sure is hard for me to write this entry, you have no idea. I'm afraid people won't believe me, because I've been so girly in my appearence. but I am who I am mentally, and it just took me a while to figure it all out.

and what am I gonna do about the future? I turn 18 on May 17th, and I'm leaving Denmark for a week on the 22nd, will be back around May 29th. but when I get back, I'm going to talk to my doctor, about getting a refferal to a specialist, because I can't get through to the Sexoligical Clinic because I have a diagnosis. it's okay, though. I've heard that sexological clinic is a stuck-up little bitch, with a stick in their ass. so I'm more comfortable with the specialist.
but I'm trying to get a yes on starting on hormones, as soon as possible. I don't want to waste my life on being someone I'm not. I really, really hope for a yes.
I have an inheritance from my father, and I think I will spend them on an apartment and my transition. he probably wouldn't be proud of me, but I think he would like that I would become "the real me".

it would be lovely to someday be able to say; "it's nice to finally feel like maybe my body is adapting to me, instead of me trying to adapt to my body", as Skylarkeleven once said in his early transition.