and I've lost who I am.

I hosted a party yesterday, for my classmates on KUBA (the school I'm at right at the moment). it was awesome, simply awesome. I had some deep conversations with Alberte and Anna Rosa, and I also had a lot of with the others. it was simply blissful. I hosted it at my mum's place, because we're not allowed to drink at my residency (even though we do it anyways).. at 4 PM, Karoline and Kruhøffer came over and helped me buying all the things we needed for the party. Andreas had planned to come and help too, but he slept in and came an hour earlier than the rest of the guests. ate some pizza, did the welcome drinks, and just sat and talked. then we went to pick up the rest at 7:30 PM, but we ended up waiting at the trainstation in almost an hour and a half! people were all fucking late, and some came around 10 PM. we started out with sitting in my mum's kitchen, since my sister's friends had taken over the living room. she was also hosting something, so it was a share-thing about the apartment.
we just listened to awesome music, had fun, drank a lot and laughed. I had such a great time, I can't even describe it! I had bought a bottle of Fisherman, and I ended up drinking over the half of it, just in shots.. so yeah, I got pretty damn drunk, lol. well, everybody was really drunk, tbh. also ended up smoking weed 3 times that night, not the smartest idea ever, but it was kinda fun... got really high, actually. then when the rest was about to leave, my boyfriend came over, since it was our anniversary. then I kinda colapsed on the floor, when he went to buy nomz. D: fail...
but all in all, I think the party was really succesfull! everybody seemed to have an amazing time, so I'm happy!

I met some from my sister's class, those she had invited over. I met this girl, who also is transsexual, so we talked for a bit and exchanged facebook profiles. she seemed really kind, and it's nice to know more people who stands in the same position as I do. it was really pleasant... talked a bit about hormone therapy with her, and what doctors to go to. we pretty much agreed on everything, haha.
I also came out to two more from my class yesterday night. they took it very well, and were all like; "that's so brave of you to say", and "it seems like you've really found yourself" and asked more into it. it was just.. ah, wow. haha. 4 down, 8 to go! I should really come out to the rest of them soon, I'm just so scared of what they'll think of me, now when we have all become good friends. but maybe I'll stand up in class on Monday, and just say it as a sort of announcement.. will definitely tell you how it went, if I have the balls to do so. ):
I want to be straight honest with them, first of all, and let them see who I am. and it's also because I will try to get my refferal to the specialist within the next 6 months, and hopefully start on T. right now, it seems unbearable to not being in transition at all. I want to be who I feel like soon, because it's wearing me down.
I don't really know what to say, tbh. I really need some support to come out to them, and the girl I talked with yesterday, said she'll definitely help me, if I needed it. I also need support from my friends, because I think it's going to be hard for me. but then at least, if I do it, I can be myself for the rest of the year... definitely something I should think more about, I'm sure it can make me do it. soon.
I read through my blog a while ago, and I noticed that before I came out, I was always talking about how confused I was, and how terrible I felt. now, I feel sort of free, in a way. not the way it will be when I start to transition for real, but it's freeing. I'm also changing my name officially next week. I'm not sure on the first name, though, but I know for sure that Damien will be my middle name. maybe Alex, after my dad's brother? I don't know yet. but I'll decide tonight. but the first name doesn't really matter, I will just get others to call me Damien, just like everyone I know does right now.
I think I'll post a more deep entry later, or maybe tomorrow, if I want to. I need to get things of my chest, but I'm in a hurry atm. I'm going home now.