stand tall, stand proud.

so I finally got my ass up and applied for the name change!! WOOH! fuck yeah. so now, if everything goes as it should, I should officially be named Billie Damien (+ last name) within the next two weeks. I'm so fucking excited. I've distanced myself way too long ago from my birth name, but finally, I did something to change it... so wish me luck that everything's going to be fine, and I'll get it accepted! did some other practical things today, too, and ordered a new phone. it's a HTC Wildfire S I ordered, and even though I have this strong hate towards smartphones (I'm like an old man, for cereal), I'm actually pretty excited about recieving it. it's more like... I can't wait to actually be able to do something as simple as just CALLING people now, and texting, just like every other young adult/teenager. I've gone around without a phone for about.. 2 or 3 months now, so it's about time. I will recieve it latest on Tuesday. WOO!

I got this really, really annoying and weird urge... to, yes, dye my hair purple. have had it for a few weeks. and now, I'm really considering it, even though I know pretty much everyone I know will be like "DONCHUDOIT", haha. it's weird.. I once really hated the color purple, but now, I really adore it. I find it pretty.
also cut my bangs shorter, and I don't really know if I like it. it's pretty much just shorter, like, really short on the left side, and then gets longer on the right side. not sure if like.
I really need to stand tall right at the moment, because my self-esteem is way low, and I know why it is. anywayz0r,.. that means that I'm scared of what people will think of me, if I dye it purple. but I realized something; I need to be myself, as I finally figured out who I am. and be proud..

I didn't go to school today, because I felt horrible.
as I mentioned, my self-esteem is lower than.. well, imaginable. and a single comment made me go down yesterday evening. I kept thinking... "it's not worth it", you know, fighting for myself. so today, after a consulation with a doctor, who also didn't get why I'm transgender, I was like; "fuck this shit", put on a dress, makeup, and became someone I'm not. and it was weird... it was like my personality had slipped away, like drops of water. and I felt absolutely nothing. nothing at fucking all.
went to my mum's to talk things out with her, and had an amazing talk. she made me realize that I should be who I am inside, despite what people think about me. she really helped me out today. that I should be proud of who I am, stand tall.
I guess I also became someone else, because I'm under pressure of thinking about what people at my school think about me, and because I have to come out to them.... which I haven't done yet, because I haven't been to school. but tomorrow, I'm going, and I'm gonna start the fucking day with getting things off my chest. I think. lol. because I shouldn't think about what others think of me, but be proud of how far I've come.
I'm mostly coming out to them, because I'm going to try and get a refferal, so I can start on T soon. that's what keeps me going, right at the moment.

btw.. I'm so sorry, I keep writing about these transgender-thoughts I have. it's not so interesting, and rather depressing from time to time, but it's what fills my mind, and I'm finally able to talk about it.

the curse of being a girl.

I was born a girl. but inside, I'm a young man. I want to rip off this skin, that seems to lie all the fucking time, and does nothing else than fuck me up completely. I just want to be who I am, be free of these genetic chains...
it was hard for me to write down the title of this blog entry, because I really don't want to admit that I am - bio-fucking-logical - a girl. I feel so fucking weird and awkward about it, and I can't.. well, believe that this is what my genes says I am. because inside, it's completely different. I relate to nothing of the female body. I feel like something's missing, and there's something extra on my body, and it's not mine. well, for now it is, but I hope that'll change within some years, minus the phalloplasty, because it's simply not good enough yet, in my opinion. but at the same time, I have planned on not getting any tattoos on my left forearm besides the one I have now, because.. you know, just in case, right?
when I look at myself in the mirror, undressed and naked, I feel like I'm looking at a whole another person. everything seems so fucking awkward and downright weird and does not make any sense.
this is extremely hard for me to write this entry right now. the title... it's from a Kashmir song. but it's so fucking hard to get down on paper, and even on this blog, because I just want to be seen as a guy, simple as that.. and I really doubt a lot, that people actually see me as who I am, but just say it so I can be pleased or whatever. I doubt that a lot. I just wish I could be who I am, not fight for just becoming something close to what I am - but actually be me. it's easy to give up on this journal, but I will fight my ass off. but there are just so many thoughts, and it overwhelms me.
lately, I haven't been passing as male very well, besides today, when some kids yelled "see, 2 faggots!" after me and my fiancé, because we were holding hands on the street. kind of funny, though.
and as I mentioned in the entry earlier today, I'm scared of coming out to the rest of my classmates. but I'm going to do it on Monday. but really, I need support, and no matter what response I get from them, I'll be worn out, because it's hard. so please, just someone.. please support me. I really need it, no matter the response.
I feel kind of weak.

and I've lost who I am.

I hosted a party yesterday, for my classmates on KUBA (the school I'm at right at the moment). it was awesome, simply awesome. I had some deep conversations with Alberte and Anna Rosa, and I also had a lot of with the others. it was simply blissful. I hosted it at my mum's place, because we're not allowed to drink at my residency (even though we do it anyways).. at 4 PM, Karoline and Kruhøffer came over and helped me buying all the things we needed for the party. Andreas had planned to come and help too, but he slept in and came an hour earlier than the rest of the guests. ate some pizza, did the welcome drinks, and just sat and talked. then we went to pick up the rest at 7:30 PM, but we ended up waiting at the trainstation in almost an hour and a half! people were all fucking late, and some came around 10 PM. we started out with sitting in my mum's kitchen, since my sister's friends had taken over the living room. she was also hosting something, so it was a share-thing about the apartment.
we just listened to awesome music, had fun, drank a lot and laughed. I had such a great time, I can't even describe it! I had bought a bottle of Fisherman, and I ended up drinking over the half of it, just in shots.. so yeah, I got pretty damn drunk, lol. well, everybody was really drunk, tbh. also ended up smoking weed 3 times that night, not the smartest idea ever, but it was kinda fun... got really high, actually. then when the rest was about to leave, my boyfriend came over, since it was our anniversary. then I kinda colapsed on the floor, when he went to buy nomz. D: fail...
but all in all, I think the party was really succesfull! everybody seemed to have an amazing time, so I'm happy!

I met some from my sister's class, those she had invited over. I met this girl, who also is transsexual, so we talked for a bit and exchanged facebook profiles. she seemed really kind, and it's nice to know more people who stands in the same position as I do. it was really pleasant... talked a bit about hormone therapy with her, and what doctors to go to. we pretty much agreed on everything, haha.
I also came out to two more from my class yesterday night. they took it very well, and were all like; "that's so brave of you to say", and "it seems like you've really found yourself" and asked more into it. it was just.. ah, wow. haha. 4 down, 8 to go! I should really come out to the rest of them soon, I'm just so scared of what they'll think of me, now when we have all become good friends. but maybe I'll stand up in class on Monday, and just say it as a sort of announcement.. will definitely tell you how it went, if I have the balls to do so. ):
I want to be straight honest with them, first of all, and let them see who I am. and it's also because I will try to get my refferal to the specialist within the next 6 months, and hopefully start on T. right now, it seems unbearable to not being in transition at all. I want to be who I feel like soon, because it's wearing me down.
I don't really know what to say, tbh. I really need some support to come out to them, and the girl I talked with yesterday, said she'll definitely help me, if I needed it. I also need support from my friends, because I think it's going to be hard for me. but then at least, if I do it, I can be myself for the rest of the year... definitely something I should think more about, I'm sure it can make me do it. soon.
I read through my blog a while ago, and I noticed that before I came out, I was always talking about how confused I was, and how terrible I felt. now, I feel sort of free, in a way. not the way it will be when I start to transition for real, but it's freeing. I'm also changing my name officially next week. I'm not sure on the first name, though, but I know for sure that Damien will be my middle name. maybe Alex, after my dad's brother? I don't know yet. but I'll decide tonight. but the first name doesn't really matter, I will just get others to call me Damien, just like everyone I know does right now.
I think I'll post a more deep entry later, or maybe tomorrow, if I want to. I need to get things of my chest, but I'm in a hurry atm. I'm going home now.

"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"

so how's everything hanging, guys? I'm sitting here in my way too messy room, listening to the rain and having a cigarette. just finished editing some pics, and one of them is up on DeviantArt, together with a poem I posted a week ago or so. I've been hanging out with Emilia, one of my dear friends, whom I've mentioned a lot, hahah. we haven't seen each other in a while... so when I saw her again, I was overjoyed. <3
we went for a walk in the local park, and just talked. most of it was about deeper things, and I learned some things about her I didn't know, even though we have been one of each other's best mates in two years! it was so lovely to see her again. we kinda have some of the same thoughts about serious matters, and some things about our past is very much alike, especially when it comes to our mums and all the thoughts you have as a child. I'm not saying my mum is bad, she's more than I ever could wish for now. <3 she's so supportive of who I am by now, but we had our problems when I was younger. it was around the time I was severely depressed, she could scold me for doing all kinds of things, that didn't make sense. but she did it because she was under pressure of her former husband, who died a year and a half ago. so it went out on me, because he wasn't fond of me... so when he scolded me for the most random things, she would agree, or just sit back and watch, for his sake. it's kind of tragic, isn't it.. I was with a girl at the time, and he was pretty much, like... REALLY homophobic, when I think of it, and when my mother told him I was in a relationship with a girl, he just rolled his eyes. if he knew me know, as I'm out about being transgender, he would probably not contact me or talk to me, if he lived.

I've been trying to write this entry a bunch of times now, but I don't really know if it gets too personal, so I'll leave it. I just wanted to write about my past, and what I've gone through. but it's too close to me (obviously, since it was my life), and stings way too painfully. I'm actually in a great mood, though! I've felt amazingly blissful the entire day, and I've had this thought in my head all awake hours, that I'm so grateful to be alive. <3
but anyway, it's too close, everything, so I'll write about my everyday, as usual. lol.

what have I been doing since the last time I wrote here?
I've been to Pride, for an instant. I've been drunk, been high a few times, been tired as fuck, and I've enjoyed my life. pretty much the average life of a teenage boy, huh? :'D

I haven't taken my testosterone booster in a pretty long time, since I've been too scared to take it. only two of my classmates know I'm transgender, and I'm kind of scared of coming out. at first, I was in the closet, then I came out to EVERYONE, and now I'm partly back in the closet. BOOH! it really sucks in there. but the two girls I came out to, though, were really accepting, and asked me a bunch of things, to get to know more about it. it was nice, being fully accepted.
but I'm starting up on the booster again tomorrow, and then eventually, I'll come out to the rest. I'm trying to wake up as early as possible, and go to the gym before school, if I can manage it. I really need to get more bulky! D: not because it's stereotypically male, but because that's how I want to be. skinny, but with a touch of muscles. oh la laaaa. <3

I'm currently looking at fonts for my (probably) next tattoo, which I'm planning on getting this week, if my brother isn't occupied. it was actually planned to be my first tat, but I got some others instead before it.. but it's about time I get it now. my brother is also getting it, and it's going to be a tattoo in honour of him, and life itself. it's "memento mori" I'm getting, on my nape. I can't wait... <3 my fiancé's getting tattooed this Wednesday, and I can't wait to see the result. I can imagine what couple we'll end up being in the future; heavily tattooed, pierced, open-minded, with a small dog, in a really shitty apartment. and honestly, I'm looking forward to that time. <3

at the moment, there's a quote from the movie, "Girl, Interrupted" stuck on my mind. sometimes, I still do believe that my mum wish I wasn't around. she used to call tell me daily, that she regretted not having an abortion when she was pregnant, and that things would be easier if I were dead. she told me that daily at the time I was severely depressed, which only increased everything I felt. I still, from time to time, connect to the old thoughts, that it would be better for her if I wasn't here.
I used sex as a form of hurting myself at a time, and slept with a lot of random persons during a passage of time. it was kind of weird. but I felt dirty and horrible afterwards everytime, and I ended up wounded.

"why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, and that my parents wish I were dead?"

never guessed it got this good.

it's been a while since I wrote (again, I'm becoming a slacker when it comes to blogging), but I feel like writing right now. I've written several entries I just haven't posted, because I've only written around half of what I wanted to get out. but this time, I'll post!
so as you can see on the picture, I've gotten my beloved tattoo, Sputnik 1. <3 I'm super stoked. it didn't hurt at all, but I could feel it more when he was near my elbow though. but not painful. I'm getting so hooked on tattoos, it's crazy. and having a boyfriend who also loves tattoos, it's sure damn hard to not get new ones, because we talk about it all the fucking time. he's thinking about buying a tattoo starters kit, so I'm thinking.. Ceciiiiil, get over here... and make something on me, yes? <3
but seriously, I'm stoked about this Sputnik.

I've started at my new school, K.U.B.A, and I fucking love every damn bit of it. my classmates are absolutely fucking amazing, and I enjoy the things we do in class. so far, we've written essays, poems, articles, and short stories. I really feel like I could evovle here. and the guys there...! fuck, they are so sweet and I can really imagine becoming good friends with a lot of them. I couldn't be more satisfied than I am! <3
been spending a lot of time after school at a bar called Floss, together with my classmates. it's extremely nice.. but one thing is bothering me... I haven't come out to them yet, about being transgender. but I'm not afraid anymore, really. I've told one of the girls about it, but I don't think she really understood. but it's okay, really. but I plan on doing it soon, and they all already call me Damien, which is super nice.

I've loved Audrey Kawasaki's painting in a year or more now, but these days, I feel so fucking inspired by her. which results in... tattoos. lol. I'm getting a backpiece of one of her paintings in the future. but it's all so damn inspiring, and I love them all.

I don't think I have much more to say right now, but I hope you all are enjoying yourselves. I certainly am! oh, and I'll try to get better at blogging. btw, I've made a new blog for my personal project at K.U.B.A - my poetry. the link is;
damiens-scribbles.blogspot.com. I could really use some opinions, so please leave a comment!

I can see your perfect world.

SO WHADDUPZ, GUIZE? it's been a really long time since my last entry, hasn't it? to be frank, I've been in a rush all the fucking time, but in a good way. I've done so many things, had cozy times with my friends, been occupied with my boyfriend, intaken too much alcohol (it was summer vacation, so I guess it's okay, haha), and just laughed and had an incredible time. I have so much to tell, I don't even know where to start! there will probably lie a bunch of pictures ahead, haha. urgh, I'm feeling joyful.
the last time I wrote here, I was leaving for London. it's like... a month and 2 weeks ago. I went with a good friend of mine, Emilia, and it was absolutely fantabulous! I had such a great time. we pretty much didn't get to see any tourist-y things, as we originally wanted to, but instead, we shopped a lot. like... really, a lot. I had a boner after Vivienne Westwood shops, and the last day we were in London, I used all my left-over money and bought a pair of pants and a t-shirt from her brand. then my wang got happy, hahahahahahha. I only had 15 pounds left when we took the flight home. also bought a lot of other clothing, and saw the most incredible shop ever. Cyberdog, it's called, and even though I'm not cyber, I have periods where I'm absolutely LOVING bright colors! so I bought a pair of strong mint green pants from there, and I'm so happy I bought them. then, I bought a lot of other bright clothes from small random shops at Camden. smoked hookah with Emilia one of the days too, and just sat there in the hookah café and felt blissful. and we took a bunch of pictures too! <3

what else.. now that I have to write everything I've done down, I can't remember any of it, haha. OH, I remember one thing, the main thing I wanted to write about, but that'll come later!
went to some parties with my friends and my boyfriend, and have been out at bars a lot. also, just being the two of us, just sitting in my mum's kitchen, being in love and drinking red wine. it's been lovely, it really has. but I'm cutting down on my alcohol intake now, since I'm starting in school TOMORROOOOOW. more about that later!
the main thing... oh yeah... wanna now? I'm - oh yes - ENGAGED!! so actually, he's not only my boyfriend now, but my fiancé. <3 and I'm so proud to call him mine. he's the sweetest thing ever, though we sometime annoy the shit out of each other because we've pretty much been together 24/7, ever since I came home from London. like.. the only time we're not together, is when one of us is using the bathroom. as crazy as it sounds, it's been just what I needed, being with him all the time.
off tracks - I'M ENGAGED! LIKE-- FOR REALZ! and I couldn't be happier. we went for a walk a late night on the 20th of July, and he was very focused on the road we walked, like he was kind of distant. but we just walked and chatted with each other, hand in hand. he wanted to go to the bench we had our first kiss on.. and I was all made of "okay, sure". sitting on that bench in the dark, we talked for a while. then he said "there's something I need to ask you...", and suddenly, he was on one knee, holding a ring I've wanted in 3 months, and looked at me with his gentle eyes, saying "Damien, would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?". couldn't help but squeal, and so I did, ahahaah. I yelled yes, and he put the ring on my finger. then we kissed, hugged, and I felt so much alive. SO I'M ENGAGED, MOFOS! (even though the ring is broken..)

cut my hair a while ago, and after that, I've been passing much more. it's fucking incredible, and I'm overjoyed. I have this rockabilly inspired hairstyle now, and I've gotten my bridge piercing again. but yeah.. I've been passing a lot more! when I've been out with my boyfriend, the cashiers have been all like "boys, boys! it's your turn now! boys, what do you want in your sandwich?"-like, and so on. it's fucking real, this is. and I get beyond happy everytime it happens, which is quite often by now.
I've also started on Tribulus! ARGH WOO! it's taking it slowly, the things I want, but I think that's the best. I'm starting to get sideburns/slight beard (not enough to shave off though, but fuzz that I haven't had before), and my hair is starting to grow darker on my arms. my voice has dropped JUUUUUUUST a bit, not much at all, but it's there! it's fucking splendid. I'm talking with my psychiatrist either this Tuesday, or the next, about whether or not he would support me if I started on testosterone. but he's a douchebag to the core, so I don't really know... I'm more than scared that he's going to say no. but if he says yes, I'll send try to get a refferal. WOOP! :'D

I've also gotten a new tattoo! it expands over both of my lower inner arms, saying "home could be anywhere" on one of them, and on the other, "when I am holding you". I fucking adore it. it wasn't even painful, and I'm in love with them. I'm getting tattooed again on Wednesday, GO ME! this time, it's at another shop, by a guest tattooist. I'm getting a small picture of Sputnik 1 tattooed on the outer side of my lower arm, and probably with a banner and some text. the price is really high, when thinking about it being a small tattoo, but the artist is really incredible, so I don't mind it. I fucking can't wait! you will definitely get to see it as soon as I get it done.

the second of August, my boyfriend and I went to out and experienced probably one of the most romantic things I've yet to indulge in. it was amazing. first, we had booked a superior room at Hotel Imperial, and it was just.. too luxorious to explain. we had brought along homemade chocolate-covered strawberries, a BUNCH of candles and Asti. we got a bottle of Cava with us, with the superior room. then we ate at a restaurant called Cassiopeia, just by the Planetarium in Copenhagen, with view over the lakes. the food was amazing. then we originally had to go see a film in the cinema, but we cancelled it. an hour later, we sat in our tub at the hotel, with candlelights all over, Asti and chocolate-covered strawberries and music. it was beyond.. everything, really. <3

then the day after, we went to our residency's hut in Tisvilde, him, Emma, Laura, Nanna and I. it was also really lovely, even though I got really scared and had to close my eyes in the evening all the time, because I was afraid of the dark. I'm such a pussy, but I'm really frightened by darkness. we also went to Sweden one of the days in Tisvilde!

I should actually go to bed, I'm starting at my new school tomorrow, and it's a quarter to 2 in the middle of the night. I'm starting up at the writer's line! <3 can't wait, I hope it's going to be awesome. while I'm really excited, I'm also really nervous. but it's going to be good. :]
Wednesday, new tattoo.
and then Saturday, I'm going to a burlesque show in Copenhagen, together with Emilia. before that, I'm meeting up with an old friend of mine I haven't seen in, what, two years. so I'm excited!

oh.. no pictures as promised. too lazy, and I need to go to bed. I'll promise I'll write more often from now on! I hope all of you guys take care of yourselves. <3

singing joyfully in the rain.

LOOK! LOOK! LOOOOOOOK! those babies, they are MINE!
seriously, I'm so hyped up right now. they've been my dream shoes since... well, I've been dreaming and loved them in a year and a half now, and now they're finally mine. everytime I've seen them in the Adidas store, I've wanted to cry of frustration and fear, by the thought of them getting sold out (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating right now, but it's close to, actually). but they are absolutely amazing, and so funky. I'm so happy these babies are finally mine. I went to the bank today, to get some of the money for my London trip, only to find out that I had a ridiculously big amount of money on my account. so the first thought was; "well, going to the Adidas store can't hurt, I can just look for cheap things...".. so I went. and they were there. AND. there was a sale, 30 % off of everything. they are a collab of Adidas and Jeremy Scott, and they are the first version, which glows in dark. SO AWESOME and so lame. I fucking love it. they're MINE!

srsly u guise... I'M GOING TO LONDON IN, LIKE, 2 DAYS NOW. holy fucking shit tithead, I cannot wait, it's crazy! fuck man. hahahah. I'm about to pull my hair out and gorge my eyeballs out with a spoon, that's how excited I am. really, I haven't looked forward to anything that much as I do now, for a long time. I'm sure it's going to be awesome.. the day after we have arrived, there's Pride 2011.. and I SERIOUSLY want to attend and be all gay and stuff! I'm planning on making a t-shirt or a hoodie, depending on the weather, that says "I think my gender is Peter Pan. I'm just a boy, and I don't want to grow up", because that's one of the quotes that matches me and my gender identity the best. because honestly, I feel that way. but more about that later.

the places we're gonna see are also pretty fabulous - the one I'm looking most forward to, though, is Pickadilly Circus. I'm ARGH, so excited! that place looks like something just for me. I also hope we have time enough to go see the last Banksy in London.. just in honour of Anna, haha. she inspires me to do things, just like all my friends. but seriously, Pickadilly Circus.. cannot wait. it's so bright and full of colours. I'm going to wear something completely neon that day, that's for sure!
and we're going to sing Fergie's "London Bridge", while standing on London Bridge, because that's just how we roll and we're lame like that. but at least we find it funny!
also going to Madame Tussauds. and of course... VIVIENNE WESTWOOD'S OFFICIAL STORE. gskjgk. I've planned on buying something cheap from there, and I also hope to go see an Adidas store, and see if they have something else from the Jeremy Scott collections.

so these days I'm just preparing for the trip.
and then, I'm just chillaxing and hanging out with my lovely boyfriend. <3 people who say that we are cute together... you are so wrong. we are absolutely disgusting together. it's pretty amazing. but he makes me feel like a boy, and he really encourages me to be myself. like yesterday, he ran upstairs in a hurry, just to tell me that there was going to be an FTM on a Danish television show. it was this 15-year-old boy, who was in transition already. I was so happy for him, but on the same time, I felt a sting of sadness in my chest, because I feel like I'm wasting my youth away. really. I want to transition. I want to transition. I want to transition.
words and actions hurt me, and I hope people will see that with time. I act like it's no big deal when people say "her" about me, but it really do hurt, because I can't deal with it anymore. I've been living as a boy for the past months, and I haven't been happier about myself. everyone I know except a few refers to me as "him", and those who don't, I haven't talked to them about it yet, how I feel about being called a "she"... I'm not lesbian, never will be, and nor a tomboy.
you see, I can't relate to it at all. I don't relate to my body, nor the "wrong" pronouns. at all. it all feels so very distant to me, and it feels like they're talking about a whole other person than me.
but my mum is very supportive, and I can't thank her enough for that. she calls me Damien now, and rarely uses my birth name, and if she does, she corrects herself immediately. my sister, too. she calls me her brother. I don't really know about my big brother.. I haven't talked with him in ages.
they're currently debating whether or not they should call me "Damien", or continue to call me my by birth name, here at my residency (the hired, the residents calls me Damien, and refers to me as "him"). I'm really hoping for Damien, because it really drags me down when I'm called by my birth name... a constant reminder that you're not getting anywhere, and that you were born someone you're not.

now I'm sitting here with a smoke, and some muffins. I actually tried to quit a few weeks ago, which actually went surprisingly well. but then I fucked up, and started again.. I regret it so bad. but I'm going to stop after the trip to London, I think, if I can pull myself together. I don't want to waste my money on something as stupid as cigarettes.

but I think I'll head off now, I'll try to write tomorrow, before leaving for London's lights. <3